A brief follow-up

This morning I had a follow-up email from the client about his precious cost unit reconcilliation.

Sent last night at 6:08 PM (which is half an hour after I'm supposed to leave at night)(and an entire hour after I'd actually left last night)...

From: Stupidclient@monocle
To: Me, lazy manager, Insolent Bob
Subject: FW: Units and Cost Recon

Gents, I was anticipating this be end of business today. Please comply.

Kindest regards,

I forwarded it on to Sandra, my new manager. The client refuses to include her on any and all communication about the fund.

Her first comment was "Someone should tell him to start putting 'Gents, and ladies' on his emails."

Her next comment was in the same vein as my lazy manager's comments regarding the client. She said it a little bit nicer, but basically the attitude is something like:

"The client wants what? Well, screw him."

Which is certainly an attitude I can support.

-t

I hate my stupid client...

My company gets paid to do inventory for mutual funds.

They buy a certain number of things at a price, and at the end of the month we compare the records to the holdings (they should match).

Let's call it a "Cost and Unit Reconcilliation."

We do this monthly. The mutual fund trades all through the month, and at the end of the month we reconcile the books. End of the month. That means, this month, 11-30-2006.

It is usually easy. Except for the nightmare fund, because they can't even reconcile their own books. Also the contact for that fund is a jackass. And stupid.

This is the email we got today at 11 am:

Gents,

In an effort ensure prompt month end closing I am requesting a cost and unit reconciliation as of 11/28. Attached are the units and cost figures the fund has as of 11/28/06. Please fill in the columns for your records and report any differences. Please return this by the end of today. Thank you in advance for your help.

Kindest regards,
Stupid client

WTF.

This is the guy my lazy manager almost threw a punch at during the client meeting last month.

-He's asking us for month end reporting two days prior to month end. Who even cares if we do reconcile to the 28th? There are still two more days of trading!

-He's asking for it by the end of the day. Which is ridiculous. Because he sent it at 11 AM. Even at month end it takes me three or four days to figure this out - that's why the monthly reporting never gets done promptly.

-Who the hell says "Gents"?

I hate this client. And their fund. And this job.


-t

Because one inevitably leads to the other...

College was the worst thing to happen to me, financially speaking.

It was the first time in my life that my income exceeded my needs. I paid tuition, room and board, and I had money left-over.

When I was in second grade I'd get a quarter every day to buy a carton of milk at lunch. Sometimes I would, but most days, instead, I would keep the quarter in my pocket, not get any milk, and after school go home and put it in my piggy bank. By the end of the school year I was loaded. We're talking like, over thirty dollars, which is basically the treasure of Monte Cristo to an eight year-old.

As the years progressed I stopped getting quarters, and therefore had less to save. My expenditures stayed constant, though, at a flat, steady, zero. None.

I wouldn't even spend money on food and drink, things necessary for life, you think I'd waste my money on friovolities?

Anyway, high school rolls around, I get a job that pays under the table, and my saving habits have had no reason to change.

I put away almost a thousand dollars a month my senior year working five hours a week. Zero Expenditures, One Hundred Percent Savings.

Well, as I said, college came next. I wiped out my entire savings on tuition and fees freshman year, but was still working, and it wasn't long until I realized that the money I made during the month was more than enough to pay my monthly tuition bills. I had extra money.

If I hadn't been in the habit of writing tuition checks that money would have stayed in the bank, but paying bills is spending, and I had a surplus of cash.

So I bought. DVDs, toys, clothes, shoes, video games, video game systems, dinner for friends, dinner for me, plane tickets, scratch tickets, books, comic books, everything.

I haven't ever stopped.

And I'll tell you. That's no way to get rich.

And if you're not rich, how can you take over the world?


-t

It's not a blog, it's a cry for help

I've got two and a half hours left today, then eight hours Wednesday and eight hours Thursday and eight hours Friday to sit here and do nothing.

Nothing to do but post.

I killed most of yesterday browsing amazon.com rating books, dvds and video games I own, and adding others to my wish list. If I keep up the current pace I should work my way through the entire amazon catalouge by Friday afternoon.

Then I'll be left with nothing at all to do anywhere.

I'd prefer constructive activities (wish listing is only semi-constructive) to mindless busy work, but right now even mindless busy work is looking pretty good.

As long as it's quiet, and easily hidden when coworkers walk buy with curious glances (my model railroad idea never really got on track).

Last week I found a page of fifteen brain teasers. I took my time, spent the afternoon going over them, not rushing, and in the end only had to look up the answer to #1 (which, of course, now seems obvious).

Solving puzzles for the next two months certainly doesn't seem like a total waste of time, but finding good puzzles to solve online certainly is.

I'm open to suggestions. In fact, I'm begging for them. What can I do to keep my brain active and non-exploded?

No joke, 'ruling the world' really is one of my aspirations

I'd like to make a name for myself, but I'm rediscovering, more and more, that in order to make a name for myself I actually have to do something.

I'd like to be a nationally known comic strip author. I'd like to write a wildly successful series of detective novels. I'd like a publisher to offer me a book deal. I'd like to run the world.

I'd also like to live rent free, play video games, not work too hard, and chat online all day.

Can you spot the difference? The first batch is "Do Something" and the second batch, the second batch is "Do Nothing."

The second one is definitely easier.

-t

what I will do, though, is recommend some music:
Gary Jules, Mad World (Tears for Fears cover); Pills, and Ghost

The Silent Jittery Killer

I'm not doing anything.

I've got trades dating back to June that need to be rebooked (I think.) I have to finish daily cash for two funds (one is the fund that needs June trades rebooked, so that cash is going to be wrong until the trades get corrected, the other fund needs reports downloaed from a secure website with a securID login that is currently missing).

I have to complete a preliminary month-end report and, even though I meticulously documented the procedure and instructions, they were meticulously documented from Insolent Bob, so who knows if any of it makes any sense?

I used to run out for coffee when it got like this: impossible tasks, no progress to be made, no help to be found.

But if I went out for coffee every time that happened here, I'd be dead of a caffeine overdose by two o'clock this afternoon.

-t

I am so far beyond frustrated right now, that if 'frustrated' were a person standing on a globe, I would be staring at the back of Frustrated's head

I don't want to do this anymore.

Though, I admit, "this" is pretty vague. I don't actually do anything.

You may believe that it would be pretty frustrating to come back to work after a five-day weekend to a strange email in your inbox you don't understand.

I can tell you from personal experience that it is.

From: InsolentBob@insolenceisking
To: Tom@can'tbelieveIstillworkhere
Subject: FW: Fax received from "Fund 102 Boston Office"
[attachment: Invoices]

Did these go out, and if so can you provide mw with back-up?

Here, "these" refers to the attached invoices. There are three of them. They look like bills. "Go out" refers to.... I have no idea.

I don't know what "go out" means. Should I look at the fund balance sheet to see if money left the fund? Should I call the post office and ask if there was outgoing mail? Are the invoices dating? And if so, why should I care? Let them live however they want to live.

So, not knowing what the hell Insolent Bob means (as usual), and not knowing what to do about it, I simply replied "No. I didn't see them go out."

Because that's safe, right? I didn't see them go out. (Again, not that I know what that means.)

The response:

From: InsolentBob@stupiddoes
To: Tom@no,really,whydoIstillworkhere
Subject: RE: Fax received from "Fund 102 Boston Office"

No what I meant is did you process wires on Friday?

Oh, oh, I see. What you meant. Meant. Got it.

Maybe, if that's what you meant, that's what you should have said. In the first email.

Really. Imagine the email exchange now, this time, Insolent Bob says what he meant, instead of something totally indecipherable:

"Did you process wires Friday?"
"No"


See? Easy. I don't know how to process wires, but this way I know what it is he's talking about.

I could even ask him a question related to the topic, like, "Are there wires to process?" "Where should I look to find out if there are wires to process?" "Once I see that there are wires to process, what steps do I need to take to actually process the wires?"

Or you know, the big one "Is 'did these go out' a secret code for 'did you process wires Friday,' or should I be asking where the happy couple is registered?"

Thanks.

-t

It's December now, right?

I'm not saying I'm tired of this whole "post every. single. day. in. the. month. of. november. or. be. labeled. lazy. or. ungrateful. for. this. wonderful. thing. we. call. blogging. you. whiner.

But, come on! It's a five-day weekend! Even people who get paid to blog aren't blogging now!

I'm just saying, this is utterly ridiculous. I can't imagine any randomly drawn prize being worth this aggravation.

Except maybe the Wii.

-t

Wherein chapter headings serve as a brief outline

Chapter 1: Wherein we meet the heroine of the story
Chapter 2: Wherein we learn of an exciting journey
Chapter 3: Departure
Chapter 4: Wherein the traveling party is set upon by thieves
Chapter 5: Wherein additional setbacks occur
Chapter 6: Something nice happens
Chapter 7: Wherein a mysterious stranger joins the traveling party
Chapter 8: The mysterious stranger proves useful (in the manner of hunting dinner)
Chapter 9: Wherein our heroine is waylaid by scoundrels
Chapter 10: Out of the frying pan, and into the fire -or- The mysterious stranger can do more than hunt

Chapter 11: Into the woods
Chapter 12: Through the woods
Chapter 13: Not out of the woods yet
Chapter 14: Out of the woods
Chapter 15: The traveling party discovers a tall tower
Chapter 16: Another traveler joins the party
Chapter 17: Wherein the traveling party rest at an inn before beginning the most treacherous part of the journey

Chapter 18: The mountain pass
Chapter 19: Wherein the traveling party discovers an obstacle
Chapter 21: The snow eagle
Chapter 22: Descent
Chapter 23: A short walk to a long pier
Chapter 24: Wherein the traveling party becomes two traveling parties
Chapter 25: The sailing party
Chapter 26: The walking party
Chapter 27: Wherein the sailing party is set upon by pirates
Chapter 27: Wherein the walking party arrives at their destination before the sailing party
Chapter 28: Wherein the heroine meets the pirate king
Chapter 29: Wherein the mysterious stranger meets the real king
Chapter 30: Landfall
Chapter 31: Wherein a terrible secret is learned
Chapter 32: The dungeon
Chapter 33: Wherein the heroine, recently returned to land, reaches her destination
Chapter 34: Wherein the heroine is not recognized
Chapter 35: A cunning plan
Chapter 36: A daring escape
Chapter 37: Wherein the traveling party is reunited
Chapter 38: Wherein the real king reveals his true colors and the terrible secret is revealed to the traveling party

Chapter 39: Battle
Chapter 40: Wherein the traveling party discovers unexpected allies, and the pirate king appears with even more unexpected, and sorely needed, reinforcements

Chapter 41: Victory
Chapter 42: Wherein we learn the truth about the mysterious stranger
Chapter 43: Wherein the traveling party disbands to go their separate ways
Chapter 44: Epilogue

This is better than taking a nap. NOT.

My first fund was finished at 9:05 AM, my second at 9:45 AM.

The only thing left is a giant project that my new manager, Sandra, and I have to start work on. What better time than the four hours we'll be trapped here on the day after Thanksgiving?

So, at 9:45 AM I emailed Sandra and said "My funds are done, we can start the project whenever you're ready."

She replied "Ok. I should be done with my stuff by 11AM. We'll do it then."


It is not the late start that is frustrating me. Sandra has things that need doing. The fact that I have NOTHING TO DO FOR AN HOUR AND FIFTEEN MINUTES is frustrating.

11AM rolls around, Sandra says "I'm still working on this stuff, tying up loose ends...I'll let you know..."

IT IS NOW ELEVEN FORTY-FIVE AND I HAVE SAT HERE AND DONE NOTHING - NOTHING FOR TWO HOURS.

I should not have come in today.
-t

I'm using CAPS to EXPRESS MY DISPLEASURE.

Thanksgiving Friday has got to be one of the WORST DAYS EVER for GOING TO WORK.

-I'm sharing the office with lazy manager, new manager Sandra, and one random guy.

THAT'S IT.

-I had to fight my way through a crowd of Black Friday shoppers that had formed outside Macy's.

-I could be eating LEFTOVER TURKEY RIGHT NOW.

-I could be ASLEEP. (that's true for every day I come in to work, not just post-holidays)

-I finished my first fund IN THREE MINUTES.

-I plan on finishing my second fund IN THE NEXT THREE MINUTES, which means...

-I will have AT LEAST FOUR HOURS OF DOING NOTHING on a day there should be TWENTY FOUR HOURS of doing nothing AT HOME, and that's assuming...

-They'll let us go at ONE O'CLOCK. That's TWO LEFTOVER TURKEY SANDWICHES you've made me miss, work. I hate you. (one for lunch, one for breakfast.)

-AUGHLAHLBAHGBAUGGHH!!!!

-t

Thanksgiving Day Thanks

I spent the day at the emergency room with my brother who got three x-rays and a head CT.

Also I didn't buy an xbox 360.

Happy Thanksgiving!

This post is definitely NOT about embezzlement

I'll definitely start tagging entries if I'm ever invited over to blogger beta. (HELLO? BLOGGER? WHAT'S TAKING SO LONG?)

And most of my recent posts would be "insolent bob," "lazy manager," or "I hate my job."

Today though, it's "my dumb client."

**Important note to readers (esp Adina): the following may be confusing. I'd suggest muscling through it if you can, there are some nice jokes, but if you feel like skimming, just click here.

Here in the environment in which I work there are three main entities: The Client, The Broker, and The Accountants (i.e. my lame company).

Each of the three entities has a bank account at a major bank (banks like Bear Stearns, Morgan Stanley, Citibank, Chase Manhattan, Bank of America), it's where they keep their money.

Now it gets a little twisty here: In order to prevent The Client from embezzling funds from their own bank account, they give us control of the money. They put it in our bank. They say "Here. Take this big pile of money. And don't let us touch it."

They can't touch it, and we can't move it without their permission.

Actually, it works pretty well as a safeguard against embezzlement (unless we're in on it)(you know we're not, because I'm still working here, and not blogging from a lounge chair in the Caymans).

They send us a letter that says "Please cut a check for a bazillion dollars to be paid out to our tax lawyers." We read the note, call them on the phone, say "Did you send this note?" and if they say they did, we print up an instruction sheet, get a VP's signature, and fax it to the bank (their money, in our account) and then bank sends a bazillion dollars to the tax lawyers.

This is one of those things that I wasn't trained on - preparing "check requests" or "wires." There are a number of things involved, not the least of which is getting the bank account numbers straight. (use The Client's money in Our Account to pay The Broker fee into The Broker Account, not Our Money in Our Account to The Broker Account per The Client, nor The Broker money in the amount of The Broker fee into Our Account which we hold for The Client.)

Each half (or third) of the transaction has at least two distinct account numbers, a various number of signatures, and it's confusing for those of us who have never been trained (like you, the reader)(and me). I think I've got a good conceptual handle on it, but the devil's in the details.


And now that I've explained about the wires - and you're all as confused as I usually am, I'm going to tell today's story using an analogy:

Skimmers resume your reading:

Let's say it's the holidays (it is, how apt) and you're saving up to buy an Xbox 360 Premium Package for $400, and maybe a few games and an extra controller for about $200 for your boyfriend, who you consider to be the greatest boyfriend in the history of boy-on-girl action, ok?

You decide you're not responsible enough to hold on to $600.00 until it's time to buy the system, you'll blow it on chocolate or candy or pasta. So, you give the money to me. You say "Put this money in an account at the bank, we'll be co-account holders, so that I'll need both signatures to take this money out of the bank, and I won't be able to blow it on an impulse noodle bar splurge."

I'm a good friend, so I agree. Also I convince you to pay me fifty bucks for the favor. (That way I have a personal stake in it. Normally in this situation if you came to me and said "Remember that xbox money? I need it for noodles. Sign here." I would gladly sign there, because hey, it's your money, and you're not paying me to be your will power - but now with the fifty bucks, you are. See? It's a good system. (also, the Xbox 360 is a good system.).)

When the Xbox 360 goes on sale you'll come to me and say "I need my xbox money to buy an xbox, sign here." and I will, and you'll pay me fifty bucks. I'm happy, you're not broke, and your boyfriend gets a new gaming system.

Now, what if, during the time the money was in the bank, you decided to spend some money on lipstick (or, for you girl readers - purses), for your own use? The money you'd be spending would come out of your own pocket, and not this joint lockbox-xbox account.

Would you come to me, and say "Tom, I really need lipstick/a purse, can you write out a withdrawal form, double check that I have enough money in my personal account, send it to me so I can review it and sign it, then I'll fax it back to you and you can send it to the bank?"

Why would you do that? You want your lipstick, you have your personal account, just take the money you need and go buy your lipstick. I don't think bringing in a third party to review your balance and your request for money is a good idea, especially when that third party is in no way involved in the transaction. You're not paying me to guard your personal account, just your xbox account; you're not paying me for the lipstick; I'm not you, and I'm not the bank.

And yet, that is what The Client is asking for today. That we review their main bank account, where they keep their profits. Not the money we hold for them to prevent embezzlement, no, a whole separate, independent account.

"I'm going to send this to you, so you can send it back to me, so I can sign it, and send it back to you, so you can send it to the bank."

Dumb. Also, I'm pretty sure we're not getting paid for this. So I guess what I'm saying is: "Where's my fifty bucks?"

-t

Call to arms (and keyboards)

Folks, I need your help.

In 1990 TNT produced a made-for-tv movie of Robert Louis Stevenson's Treasure Island.

It is the greatest adaptation ever. Ever.* Plus! It stars Christian Bale as Jim Hawkins (and you know how good he is) and Charlton Heston as Long John Silver, and folks, I am not kidding you when I say that this was the role he was meant to play.

Better than Moses, better than Ben Hur, better than NRA president. Charlton Heston is Long John Silver, Long John Silver is Charlton Heston, Heston Silver John is Long Charles. - you get what I'm saying?

All of the performances floored me, this is the production I think of whenever anyone mentions the story. It is absolutely unthinkable that this movie has not been released on dvd.

So, I need your help. Go here. Click on the "vote" button on the right-hand sidebar. They ask for an email, but there's no confirmation, so if you're not busy, vote lots of times with made up email addresses!

Let's make this happen people!

-t


* the notable exception being Muppet Treasure Island. I maintain the TNT version "best ever," but readily concede that the Muppet version is undoubtedly the best adaptation with music, the best adaptation not starring Charlton Heston and Christian Bale, and the best adaptation with Muppets. (jump back)

Strange Bedfellows

I'm getting a cold, I think. I blame Erin.

Not really. I blame late nights. Or early mornings.

I'd definitely be O.K. with late nights if I could get rid of the early mornings. They're making me sick. And giving me strange dreams.

I woke up halway again today, and started capturing little two- and three-minute intervals of sleep for about an hour. In my dazed state, however, I perceived it quite a bit differently.

These two minute periods of time weren't periods of time, but rather yogurt covered raisins. If I wanted to go back to where things made sense (sleep), I would need to get a few more yogurt covered raisins from the Jamacain witch doctor. He had dreadlocks.

Also, this morning, that whole analogy made sense to me.

Now, it really doesn't at all.

-t

P.S. just got an email from my new VP asking about audit. He ended it with "Txs."

Does that means "Thanks"?

This gmail chat transcript is just in case any of you doubted me

Adina: it really wins you over
it is one of my favorite
well
there is gilmore girls, golden girls, west wing, arrested development, the office

Adina: and to be fair
seasons 1 through 5 of gg
well
seasons 1 through 4 definitely
the jury is still out on season 5

me: right
I'm on board with that whole debate
me personally, I loved pre-paris
and basically hate paris
also, I hate every boy rory has ever liked

except dean a little bit later on when he comes back and he's married

Sent at 10:26 AM on Monday

Adina: there was never pre-paris
she was always on the show
i liked jess
dean was too roll over
i am not a big fan of logan
i basically love the show for lauren graham
a deep dark dislike is a-brewing for rory

for one, CUT YOUR BANGS

me: I like rory

Adina: NO ONE CAN SEE YOUR EYES

me: lorelai is too whiny
esp with luke

Adina: true
but she is the center of the banter

me: I like her with soukie

Adina: she is always quick
witted

me: and soukie's husband produce guy

Adina: i LOVE sookie

me: I like the grandfather and grandmother too
also, I used to hate that lame guy
but now I like him

Adina: yeah they really bring the show over the top

me: taylor's henchman guy

Adina: they are experienced and classic
i love them
did you see any of season 6?
kirk

me: I really liked when the grandfather was living in the guest house and had the goofy
mustache

Adina: (real name: sean gunn)

me: and, maybe?
I might have seen one episode possibly

Adina: did you see the episode
where rory hosts a wartime party?

me: um, no

Adina: ok

me: did she have long bangs?

Adina: yeah she was wearing like a 40s outfit
khaki, curled hair

me: I saw one where she was donna reed
for dean

Adina: whoa SEASON 1 TOM

me: because he liked his women to stay home
wow, really?

Adina: we need to sit you down and rewatch seasons 1 through 6

me: no no
not "rewatch"
I've only seen scattered episodes
I watch ABC Family reruns

Adina: gasp
DOUBLE GASP

Adina: here is what we're going to do
you are going to spend all of philoney
in my apt

me: I saw the one where asian sidekick girl gets married

Adina: watching gilmore girls
you have no choice

me: also the one with the living paintings...I've see that one like three times

Adina: i love that one
sookie has her first baby

me: and the one where there's a big hole in the side of the inn
before they open
first baby?
honestly, don't spoil anything!
like, if lorelai is pregnant and rory's old dad is the father
don't tell me stuff like that
or if luke's the father but she's hooking up with christopher
(is that's his name?)

Adina: uh she's not pregnant
yes, christopher

me: I saw the one where they needed doors for the inn

Adina: okok, haha

me: and dean was back working with the doors
and kissed rory almost

Adina: and he almost kissed rory

me: and then was married

Adina: do you know what happened after that

me: nope

Adina: that was the end of season 3 i think

me: ok
I'd guess they hooked up

Adina: you don't know what happened POST ALMOST KISS
you've got to be kidding me

me: actually I heard they hooked up, I'm not guessing
but I could have heard wrong
also, I hate logan
and mostly hate jess
because every once in a while he was nice
but then he'd go all "rebel without a cause" and come on. he wasn't a tough guy
no way could he have gotten away with that in any real town.

Adina: i know that is why he is so easy to love

me: somebody would have kicked his ass

Adina: also he is so cute

me: no, that is why he is easy to hate

Adina: it's not a real town it is stars hollow
sigh i love that show

me: and he's not that cute
dean's better looking
so's christopher
as far as lorelai's other guys though
no siree bob

Adina: jess was adorable i had a huge crush on him
remember max
max medina

me: all neanderthal ugly types

Adina: UGLY

me: max?

Adina: who else uh jason stiles

me: is he the one who was the lawyer with her dad?

Adina: UGLIER

me: and who's jason stiles?

Adina: at least max was smart jason was UGLY AND STUPID

me: I know:
1. Luke (diner)
2. lawyer guy who sued granpa

Adina: i like luke but only because he's been with the show since day 1

me: I've always liked luke

Adina: and he has been pining for lorelai forever and that is cute
lawyer guy = jason stiles

me: the lawyer guy also showed up unexpectedly in the ALMOST KISSED episode

Adina: rory's teacher was max medina

me: 3. rory's teacher from 10th kingdom

Adina: he had a great personality but was sort of ugly. he grew on me but then she broke his heart sad.

me: I liked him but lorelai pushed him away
it wouldn't have worked out, but seriously, that lasted like, what, one episode?
does he even count?
and 4. christopher, who she should probably just dump for good already

Adina: uh for like the entity of season 1

me: really?
ok

Adina: and he would come back now and then in season 2 or 3

me: I saw one once where asian sidekick girl dyed her hair

Adina: i forget which one
purple

me: yes
then black again

Adina: that is the one where jess is dating that hoe blondie

me: yes

me: yes
but doesn't really like here
her*

Adina: i always wondered if she really died her hair or if it was a wig

me: that's where I was like "this is really dumb"because it's like "hello? jess? HOT BLONDE?"
and he didn't go for her?
= lame character
maybe if they had a girl that wasn't so hot it would have been ok

Adina: you're kidding
you thought that blonde was hot
SHE WAS A HOE BAG TOM
THAT WAS THE WHOLE POINT
they were like let's find the hoe-iest hoe bag there is and then make her date jess

me: ok, it's not like I really remember it
that was waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay back when
and yes, I think it was a wig
I also remember an easter episode
where they hid eggs on the town green and they spoiled
or something

Adina: and kirk was delirious

me: and goofy guy had to find them all

Adina: and luke found them for him

me: KIRK!
right

Adina: showing his true colors

me: I knew he had a name
so,
people like paris?

Sent at 10:43 AM on Monday

Adina: i like paris
ok
not really
but she rounds out rory's character
i think she adds dimension to the show
since rory has like no friends ever

me: I thought they hated each other
and asian sidekick girl was a friend
and paris was the enemy

Adina: paris became a friend
they were roommates in college
keep your friends close...keep your enemies closert
i can't believe we've been talking about GG for this long
you are my favorite friend
DON'T TELL THE OTHERS

me: hahaha
deal

Adina: you're totally going to post about it
DON'T LIE

me: I've already posted three times today

Adina: no you didn't

me: I doubt another will be fourthcoming
ha

Adina: so is this what you do all day? gmail chat?

me: and by the time I get around to posting tomorrow I will have forgotten this covnersation
and yes
this is what I do all day

Sent at 10:51 AM on Monday

Adina: haha
well by tomorrow i'll tell someone else they are my favorite friend.

A choice: Five or Five Hundred?

It's ten o'clock in the morning. This is my third post of the day.

Nothing is going on. Insolent Bob is gone, my lazy manager is gone (I think - it's possible he's here. I wouldn't know because he never comes over to talk to me).

I've had a conversation with Buffalo about finally selling his car. He did most of the talking while I kept my headphones in and Queen playing on my ipod. And that's about it.

I've downloaded some of the reports I need for the daily reconcilliation, I'll probably look at them in a little while, but right now, and for the foreseeable future, there's nothing going on.

I feel like I should go out and get coffee just to be doing something. That's not a financially healthy attitude.

Unless it keeps me from paying five hundred bucks for a Wii.

-t

More than just the normal amount of confused...

So I was messed up this morning. Utterly and hopelessly confused. And, unbeknownst to me, dreaming:

I was back in high school, bookbag slung over one shoulder, wandering the empty hallways trying to remember my schedule.

Not only was I required to remember which classes I had and in which order, I also needed to remember which day of the rotation it was. (Anybody else have rotating schedules in high school? We had seven class periods on a seven day rotation, so each period was the first period of the day at some point. There was a big sign hung just inside the front door: "Today is Day Six")

So, I'm wandering the halls and I decide to head over to AP Calculus, because that's probably the class I'm late for, but I get there and the room is full of freshmen, so clearly, I'm wrong. I then head back downstairs to the cafeteria where I start questioning the few stragglers still eating Hostess Chocolate Covered Mini Donuts and chocolate milk. "What day is today?"

I finally get an answer from a kid copying his buddy's homework. He says something like "It's the end of days." which confused me for a little bit, in the dream, until, still in the dream, I figure he must mean "It's the last day of the rotation," namely, "Day Eight," which is, in itself, preposterous, because, it's a seven day rotation.

But, as I said, it apparently made sense, because I knew where to go. I headed back upstairs to the math hallway and instead of going to AP Calculus I went to the sophmore geometry class.

That's when I woke up. I think.

I'm not sure because I remember seeing my alarm clock read 6:56 AM and then next thing I can remember for certain happening in real life was realizing my alarm clock said 8:38 AM. This is after I'd showered and gotten dressed.

Now, since my alarm clock is set for seven forty-five I think we can assume that I was dreaming for about forty-five minutes just before my alarm went off. I think we can also assume that I was totally out of it based solely on the fact that I didn't realize I was even awake for almost an hour after that.

I'm still a little confused and not only second guessing the day of the week, the fact that I'm in an office and not a classroom, my age, my occupation, but right now I'm actually starting to wonder, what exactly did that kid mean by "the end of days?"


Though, I guess it won't matter too much. I doubt very much anyone here at work will notice any difference between "normal Tom" and "confused by a weird dream Tom" - it's not like I do anything around here anyway.

-t

It's time for a new plan:

Ok, I have a new plan:

1. My lazy manager never talks to me, and is leaving at the end of the month.
2. My new manager doesn't know me very well, so she doesn't talk to me much yet.
3. I try to avoid Insolent Bob as much as possible.
4. We submit timesheets every two weeks, my paycheck is deposited directly into my bank account.

My plan is to simply stop coming to work except on alternating Fridays to submit my timesheet.

I figure no one will even notice I'm gone for the first two weeks of my plan, then it will be month end and they'll all be super busy with reports, and after that they'll be used to my abscence.

It's brilliant, right?

Meanwhile. What the hell am I going to do today? I'll tell you right now, if I spend six hours on ebay staring at "Nintendo Wii console, in-hand, ready-to-ship" for $460.00 I'm probably going to crack and get one.

-t

Lazy Sunday

No post today. Why? Because I'm too busy lying around playing video games. I'm halfway through a Batman beat 'em up, and I've got plans later for some MarioKart DS.

I don't plan on eating at all today.

-te

The Big Game

Growing up I played one year of Junior CYO basketball. I think I was eight.

Each team was coached by a high school kid, none of them knew anything about coaching, or teaching the game of basketball.

But, my team was called the Buckeyes.

Which is why I'll be rooting for Ohio State today.

-t

Also I hate the Michigan Wolverines.

Happy Dan Goldin Day!

I feel like I'm already on vacation. My lazy manager is out today, and Insolen Bob is out too! I could have a great Dan Goldin Day without even leaving my cubicle! Which, of course, is totally not the point. I'll be skipping out at noon just like I planned.

And I'm thinking about heading home after lunch and watching Star Trek all day.

If that doesn't sound like a great time, you must be deaf.

-t

Tips and Tricks for Accomplishing Your Own Dan Goldin Day Miracle

Things have been cleared for my Dan Goldin Day. I'm skipping out of work at noon tomorrow to go celebrate. I cleared it with Sandra, my new manager, by surreptisiously misleading her with the "Two Facts" trick (detailed below).


Tips and Tricks:

1. "I'm Sick" - This is a classic get-out-of-work-free card. If you're not familiar with it, this is the first one you should learn. For ameteur practitioners looking to move up from the "He called in, you know, "sick" today" level to the genuine "He didn't sound too good, I hope he can make it in Moday" level, remember that the most effective lie is the total lie. Give them the whole package. For managers, and people with brains, it's easy to see through the "cough while I'm on the phone" ploy - but, if you approach it like a role, you'll be well on your way to a five-day weekend: Think about exactly how you act when you're actually sick; hunch your shoulders; try not to move unless absolutely necessary; curl up, put on a jacket; think about wanting chicken soup but feeling too naseous to eat it - then make the phone call.

*Careful not to play the sick bit up too much, though, or you might accidentally convince yourself you feel terrible. Happened to me once, and I lost a week in Cabo huddled in the hotel room watching Criminal Intent reruns in Spanish.


2. Two Facts - This is for those folks who have qualms about lying to their boss. It capitalizes on trust and inference. It simply requires that you string two facts together and allow your boss's (no doubt, well placed) trust in you, and the natural human tendency toward inference to take over. This is the technique I used today:

I said. "I'm leaving work early tomorrow" and then said "I had to reschedule a dentist's appointment."

Strung together it's only natural to assume the reason I'm leaving work is to make it to my dentist appointment. It's not true. I'm leaving work because it's Dan Goldin Day.

I did, however, have to reschedule a dentist's appointment. It happened last May. I called the dentist and said "Can we move tomorrow's appointment from one o'clock to three o'clock? Thanks."

Both statements are absolutely true, so you're not actually lying. You're covered by your manager's assumptions.

3. "Pokey Died" - Pokey, in this case, being a pet gerbil. This method is also known in some circles as "Lie, lie, lie, lie, lie." It differes from the "I'm Sick" method in that this one requires no role playing. Pokey died, yes, and you need some time off to grieve for your poor twenty-seven year-old pet, but you're not going to carry that grief into work or make a big show.

The most important thing to remember when lying is this: Keep it simple.

Don't offer up any unnecessary details, don't offer any explanations, don't volulnteer any information.

That's not to say you shouldn't be prepared with a background story. Background is essential. But again, keep it simple.

The "We got him on my eighth birthday, he was the only thing that got me through the assassination attempt on President Roosevelt, I gave him a blood transfusion once..." excuse might not ring true if questioned, as gerbils can't get human blood transfusions, you don't know which Roosevelt administration you were supposedly alive for, and you never had an eighth birthday.

Saying "Bob and I are feeding the homeless this afternoon" will backfire if Bob's sitting right there and blurts out "You told me you were going golfing!" So in order to keep Bob from indignantly ladeling vegetable medley down at the soup kitchen you can either let him in on the lie, which I don't advocate, or, again, keep it simple.

Use things no one can dispute. "I have to leave tomorrow at noon..."Family trouble." also popular are:
"Personal problems."
"I'm an alcoholic." and
"I'm a robot."


4. "I think I'm in love with you" - Finally, and use this one sparingly, you can create an uncomfortable situation at work by becoming too personal with a fellow employee or manager. This works especially well on managers of the same sex, as you're calling in uncomfortable relationship issues and potentially uncomfortable social issues. When done correctly the manager will actually suggest themselves that you take the day off.

"Looks like you need some time off. Why don't you take tomorrow off and come back Monday with your head on straight - uh, I mean, 'normal'- ah- just take the day off!!"

*Note, don't try this with ugly managers that might reciprocate. That's dangerous.


-t

It is the year 2005, the treacherous Decepticons have conquered the Autobots home planet of Cybertron

But from secret staging grounds from two of Cybertron's moons the valiant Autobots prepare to retake their homeland...


I JUST GOT TRANSFORMERS THE MOVIE 20TH ANNIVERSARY EDITION!!!!

And you have NO IDEA what sort of voice talent is in this thing, here's a quick run down:

Eric Idle, Casey Kasem, Judd Nelson, Orson Welles, Robert Stack, and Leonard Nemoy.

This movie was HUGE. and now it is again.

I'm so blown away.
-t

Dan Goldin Day: Past and Future; (Present To Follow)

In November 2003 it was announced that the university I, Tom, was attending had just decided on a new president. A former NASA executive and fundraiser, he was much ballyhooed by the university's trustees and some of their close personal friends. His name was Dan Goldin.

The trustees decided immediately to throw a parade in honor of the decision. They scheduled it for November 17th. In order to boost turn out, or win the admiration of the student body, the trustees cancelled classes for the entire day.

The day they picked to cancel happened to coincide with a ridiculously difficult math exam I was scheduled to take. The professor was forced to postpone. I love the trustees.

It truly was a glorious time to be a harried Boston University student who needed an extra day to study for a midterm mathematics exam.


But then, tragedy, sort of. The trustees, mere moments (it seemed) after selecting our hero (Dan Goldin) to lead the university into the next age, passed a vote of No Confidence in their appointee!

Dan Goldin Ex-President? It was true. Having never set foot in his office, having never worked on day, hour, or minute, as president of this university, he'd been dismissed.

He had, however, signed the contract which entitled him to, approximately, $1.8 million dollars (USD) severance pay. For not working. Million. For signing his name.

We, the student body, were outraged. Well, no, that's an overstatement. Tuition money has gone to more foolhardy plans than a botched presidential selection.

We were, however, worried for our day off. What was to come of the parade they'd scheduled? Would we have to go to class? WHAT OF DONUTS?!

The trustees, in their infinite generosity, decided to not only give Dan Goldin his hefty parting gift, but also give the student body the day off, like they promised.

The extra day to lay around (and also do some studying) was almost better than a gigantic cash windfall (I wouldn't know if it were actually better, having never been simply handed $1.8 million dollars).

And, since that day, November 17th, 2003, I have vowed to celebrate Dan Goldin and his ridiculous part in the proceedings every year by skipping work/school/etc and doing whatever I please.

Since then, the celebration has grown, usually through college friends spreading the story and the tradition as they move away from Boston and to other exotic locales - like Milwaukee, Wisconsin - where, last year, they celebrated with a brewery tour.

This year I've enlisted the aid of many other friends to spread the holiday even further. 2006 will feature additional celebrations in Indiana, California, Missouri, Georgia, New Jersey, Philadelphia, Guatemala, and, hopefully, New Zealand.

Dan Goldin Day has gone international.

So, to sum up, the spirit of the holiday is this:

Skip out on work, lay around, celebrate however you see fit.

Whether it's a two-car parade through the center of town, drivers waving at confused townsfolk (like Dan Goldin Day 2005), or a brewery tour (which seems to be the most popular variant this year,) or simply sleeping in, playing xbox all day instead of going to work, and raising a pint to Dan Goldin, I urge you to enjoy it.

Thanks all,

-Tom

Fourth Annual Dan Goldin Day To Be Celebrated Nationwide This Friday, November 17th

Dan Goldin Day, a holiday I instituted in 2003, has gone national. Keep an eye here for Dan Goldin updates throughout the week.

To start, a little background:

From Boston.com: "[Nov. 1, 2003] The [Boston University] trustees paid Goldin $1.8 million to walk away from the job he was supposed to start today...BU's employment contract with the incoming president would have paid him a salary of $750,000 a year for five years, plus extensive benefits and a severance package that would take effect once he assumed office."

From my archives:
"[Nov. 18,2004] for those of you unfamiliar with Dan Goldin, or Dan Goldin Day here's a brief wrap-up ...BU had elected him prez, decided to throw him a party and gave everyone the day off last Nov. 17th (2003) then, when they booted him, they were going to cancel the day off which would have forced me to take an exam for which I wasn't prepared. However, cool guys that the BU trustees are, they decided to give us the day off anyway, thus saving me from a sure failure. Consequently, I took an oath that day to celebrate Dan Goldin and the role he played in the debacle, by celebrating "Dan Goldin Day" every Nov. 17th (observed this friday, Nov. 18th - see earlier post for schedule for the week of 11/15). Also, it's much easier to say and remember than "Nov. 17th, I-lucked-out-and-got-extra-time-to-study-for-a-big-exam day" :)


And, two emails from Donny:
"It's incredible how many people in Milwaukee are now aware of Dan Goldin Day. This could really catch on."

"We're going on the brewery tour again. But I have had numerous people ask about the holiday - Joe, Carla, Kristy, Jon, and my coworkers. Today I actually used the phrase, "another Dan Goldin Day miracle!"

-Donny"


For more Dan Goldin Day news and highlights stay tuned here, Weblog: a20261. Thanks for playing along.

-t

Productivity, and what follows...

Ok, here's a quick shout out to everybody still at work (including me). I'd just like to give you an update on my day.


[9:00-9:35] -
Finished two weeks worth of daily processing I'd been neglecting. Wrote a blog post.

[9:35-12:45] -
Read video game reviews online (gamespot, ign, amazon). Including but not limited to: (Adina, go ahead and skip the reviews, no gilmore girls video game exists)

Nintendo Wii -

Marvel Ultimate Alliance - Based on Raven Software's successful X-men Legends games, you can play as Spider-Man, the Fantanstic Four, Deadpool, Iceman, Iron Man, etc etc etc to defeat evil Doctor Doom. The reviewers loved it.

Microsoft Xbox -

Ultimate Allicance - ditto.

Batman, Rise of Sin Tzu - Pretty good reviews. You're Batman (from the animated series) and you go around beating up bad guys. Straight-forward, no nonsense fighting. Reviewers liked it.

Batman Vengence - Like most Batman video games, it sucks. Reviewers hated it.

Aquaman, Battle for Atlantis - Or something like that, it looked so bad I didn't bother to remember the title. Aquaman is a lame superhero, and a lamer video game.

Destroy All Humans! - Campy 50's B-movie turned video game. You play as the little grey alien and blast the "monkeys" to smithereens. Looks hilarious.

Gun - Cowboy shoot 'em up trying to capitalize on Deadwood success. Reviewers called it "spotty" and "sparse at times." Not great. Unless you're a gun nut.

Chronicles of Riddick: Escape from Butcher's Bay - A prequel to the motion picture, you play as Riddick escaping the galaxy's most secure prison. This one was the most highly rated game I read about all day.

Justice League Heroes - DC's answer to Marvel's Ultimate Alliance. Reviews were positive but not glowing, coming in just behind UA.

Star Wars: Republic Commanod - Play as an elite clone soldier, command the other three clones in your squad along a linear military conquest. Good reviews, plus, it's Star Wars.

Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith - Based on the movie. Awful reviews, plus, it's Star Wars Revenge of the Sith.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer - Based on the television series. Highly rated, though the review seemed a bit too subjective to be taken at face value.

The Thing - Not the big orange guy - A horror game based on the 1982 Carpenter film, you plat a rescue team sent to Antarctica to investigate the unusual disappearance of the research team. Horror ensues.


Productive, right?

[12:45-1:45]
Lunch. I went out, got a sandwich, and read a little. It was nice. Definitely the highlight of my day.

[1:45 - present]
More game reviews, bought some games on half.com. (Batman, Sin Tzu; Republic Commando; Riddick). Online chat.


[present - 5:15]
Chatting online with Samantha who ducked out of work early to watch Star Trek The Next Generation. Getting up-to-the-minute play-by-play on the actions of Worf, Geordi, Picard, Riker, etc.

If I have to sit here at the computer, I would much rather have TNG updates.


-t

Productivity

This morning I have decided to be productive. In the next half hour I expect to catch up on daily work for two of my funds that I have put off for two weeks.

That's right, two weeks of work, for two funds, in half an hour.

You might think that's fifteen minutes of work for each week of each fund, but you would be wrong. In fact the easy fund will probably take ten minutes (that's about one minute per day), and the slightly less easy fund will take almost twice that long (I know, outrageous, right?).

I find it utterly ridiculous that the difference between daily work and monthly reporting is so great. The daily stuff takes mere minutes, and a fraction of my concentration. The monthly stuff is totally indecipherable.

Why one and not the other? I don't want to speculate. Besides, I have to get back to work.

-t

btw, did I mention that the half an hour includes the time it will take me to post? It does.

Insolent Bob Speaks - sort of

CRAIG: Yes?

FLORIS: Yex?

CRAIG: I said "yes."

FLORIS: You suggest what? I have no time for piddling suggestions from mumbling job applicants, my good man. Besides, Dr. Lester will see you now. I think that's what he said.
...

CRAIG: You don't have a speech impediment, Dr. Lester.

LESTER: Flattery will get you everywhere, my boy. But I'm afraid I have to trust Floris on this one. You see, she has her doctorate in speech impedimentology from Case Western. Perhaps you've read her memoirs, "I can't understand a word any of you are saying."
from Being John Malkovich

Maybe Insolent Bob suffered a head injury sometime in his past. Maybe he was one of those kids raised by wolves that never really learns language. Maybe it was a drunken brain surgeon who sliced through his verbal center while trying to finish the lobotomy.

I don't know.

And I won't ask him either. Not because it would be improper, but because I'm one hundred percent certain I would not be able to decipher or interpret his response.

Insolent Bob Email Excerpts:

• "Also write this down, on a side note, Admin expense sheets are due on this Thursday"


Should be "as a side note," and why is that phrase even attempted here?



• "A bunch of wires have left the funds, if you don’t know any and they are breaks come over and I will tell you how to settle…ok"


I think that means "If you need help with the wires, let me know"



• "it will clear itself, probably MS is wrong and late updating. Make shure shares are same though."


In response to a share break. Note the lack of definite articles.



• "Also forgot – if you could remember to sign off on the recon as well."


Some type of reminder, I guess. Most apparent omission is the independent clause.



• "Book spots from the cash roll. USD is the sell EUR and SEK are buys. Did you ever book these before?"


The entirety of my Spot Training.



• "Yes – tell her the date that it was sent form fax cover. Tell her you will resend and send an email to Ellen and also ask Matie to give a heads up to Ellen, because you are not certain that Ellen ever receives your emails cause she hasn’t responded to your requests in the past ( is this a true summarization). ??"

-t

recommended download:
Cowboy Mouth, Joe Strummer (Did I already recommend that one? I did? Well, download again. It's good.)

A Sunday Post About a Saturday Show

Is it just me, or was Saturday Night Live (11.11.06) the biggest line up in the history of the show?

Did I miss a memo?

Hilarious Opening Sketch - New Speaker Pelosi with S&M Democratic staffers, weed, and funny jokes. I can't remember the last time I thought an opening sketch was funny.

Your host: Alec Baldwin (13th episode)
Your musical guest: Christina Aguilera (who is awesome. don't deny it)
Your cameos - and this is where it gets interesting:

1. Tina Fey and Tracey Morgan from 30 Rock in a nice promotional tie-in with Baldwin and a hilarious monologue that was basically what every promo piece for 30 Rock wishes it could have been.

2. Steve Martin in a Martin v. Baldwin legacy hosting bit that included a cameo from

3. Martin Short, as their "sad" waiter and

4. PAUL MCCARTNEY who didn't even speak and it was the most excited I can remember being for an SNL cameo since John Goodman as Linda Tripp.

5. TONY BENNETT as a Tony Bennett impersonator (stage name "Fony Bennett") who then PERFORMED "Steppin Out With My Baby" with Aguilera.

It was hilarious.

Amy Poehler is the funniest person on that show. Her half of Weekend Update is always a blast. Seth still needs a little work on his delivery, affect, and timing (are there other things that go into a joke?), but it looks like he's tightening things up behind the anchor desk.

I was saddened to see Horatio Sanz let go because that means no more Rick Sketches which were the best thing to happen to that show in decades. That's right, decades. Better than anything Carvey did ever.

One final note: The only downer bit was the Update "Amy's Aunt Movie Review" the character sucked, there were too many pauses and shrugs (which are probably crucial to the character and might work in a sketch, but Update's a bang-bang-bang environment so if you're not throwing out four punchlines a minute you're failing), and it wasn't funny. Quircky contrived characters should have no place at the anchor desk.

-t


recommended download:
The Who, Poetry Cornered

Walked around my good intentions...

Hello blogosphere, it's Tom, and I've got a story fo you.

Yesterday, Friday, I had a Boston adventure. The kind you had in college. All over the map, all hours of the night.

We went out for Mo's birthday.


My day started at work. It wasn't great, and I hate Insolent Bob, but really like the rest of the guys who work there. At about two o'clock Buffalo turned to me and said "Hey, what's the difference between "do" and "do" spelled d-o, and d-u-e?"

I was like, "Um, what? One pertains to actions, one pertains to things owed. How do you not know this?"

"Well, I get them confused. Why do we even have more than one word for that? That seems stupid. Three "do's" seems like two many."

"Three do's"?

"Yeah. D-o, d-u-e, and d-o-e."

I was killing myself laughing. The rest of the homophone conversation was about how the kid who sits next to Buffalo, a native New Englander pronounces "hair" exactly the same as "here" and "hear."

For the rest of the dayI was trying desperately to kill time. I chatted online, I drew some kickass spiral designs, I even did some actual work on some reports that are "due" next Tuesday. I couldn't think of anything else to "do."

Then I got an email from Tom: "Hey, sorry this is so haphazard: We'll be going to the Tomb tonight for Mo's birthday, and meeting for dinner at eight o'clock BeerWorks beforehand."

He'd sent out a couple emails the day before outlining a similar plan sans details and the multitude of responses (that went something like "The Tomb? Um, what? And also, what time?") convinced him to re-email the invitiees.

So, as I was already online with gmail chat, I asked some people Erin if they knew anyplace I could go after work to kill some time before dinner. I wanted to read a little and hang out.

Erin suggested Trident, a "chill" cafe/bookshop on Newbury that I'd never heard of. She said they sold beer and wine. I was convinced.

So, after finally, agonizingly, five-thirty rolled around I headed over there. I grabbed an open seat at the end of the bar, took my book out American Tabloid and no sooner had I reached for the bookmark did Erin herself walk in!

"Hey. Talking this place up for you, I convinced myself to come," she said.

So, Erin and I hung out for a while drinking coffee at Trident and talking about cars, and boots, and Fraggles, and all sorts of other things. And then I glanced up and Tom and Mo are right over there at the magazine rack. Coincidence?

Turns out, no not really. They'd had the same idea I had had: Kill some time before dinner at Trident. I guess it's a pretty happening place.

So, as it was about time to meet the others at the restaurant, Erin took off, and Tom, Mo, and I walked over to Beerworks.

The following is a small paragraph about the beer at Beerworks:

It stinks. I don't know anything about their brewing process, but it works to remove any and all body from each and every one of their beers. Also, it removes a good deal of flavor. Last night I sampled the Oatmeal Stout, the Pumpkinhead Ale, the "Mad Hops" IPA, and the Bambino Ale. On previous ocassions I've tried their "Red" and "Brown Nut Ale" varieties. All have little flavor, none have any body. The only one that tastes like it's supposed to taste is the Bambino Ale: light golden colored, light-beer flavor, clean finish. But, for the rest of them, they're all a watered-down, flavored-down version of whatever they should be. If you like heavy beer, don't go to Beerworks.

Also the food was ok, but not screwing up a hamburger doesn't earn you any points back for serving sub-par beer.

Then we went to the Tomb. Its hokey, campy, childish...and we all expected it to be. Mo's initial comment was "Maybe we all should have had a few more drinks at Beerworks before coming over here..." and I agree with here. The puzzles are something you'd find in a fourth-grade level activity book and while not "dumb" definitely would have been way more fun if we were all blind-stinking-falling-down drunk.

But whatever. I joked about a curse of the tomb, but as the rest of the story may illustrate, there may very well be one:

Mo suggested we hit up a bar for another drink. It was only about eleven-thirty, and it was friday, and her birthday. The night was young.

So, we walked from the Tomb along the longest possible route that took us on both sides of the Mass Pike and Mass Ave to some dive bar that was "at capacity." So we walked down Boylston to Foggy Goggle, Pour House, Whiskey's etc. All "at capacity." We walked back up to Bukowski's which, turns out, was also at capacity.

So it's late now, with all the walking, and a few of the group decided to peel off and take the T home. We're left with Tom, Mo, me, Matt and Daisy. We decided to go bowling.

That may have been our first mistake. (Probably not, bowling is almost never a mistake.)

We called Kings, they were full. Matt suggested Towne Line bowling in Malden. No one knew if they were all-night. So we decided to hit Dorchester's all-night bowling place. That meant walking all the way back to the car (Tom and Mo had parked near the restaurant) then jumping on I-93 South.

And that was our first mistake.

So, we should have gone the Mass Ave route. Because we were on 93 for .... two hours.

This should be a fifteen minute ride into Dorchester at midnight. But they had shut down four lanes of the five lane tunnel that runs under the city (Thank you Big Dig repairs). On a Friday, early. Two Hours.

TO GO TWO EXITS

We went from Commonwealth Ave to Storrow to 93 South in thirty seconds. We went from the Fleet Center to THE FINANCIAL DISTRICT in TWO HOURS.

For those of you unfamiliar with Boston, I can WALK from the Financial district to the Fleet Center in twenty minutes. If I only use one leg, and stop for lunch along the way. I'm not kidding. TWO HOURS. IN THE CAR. IN THE TUNNEL.

We were following a white Chevy Avalance with Nevada vanity plates reading SWINE for about half the time. They had some weird dvd playing. We couldn't figure out what it was and they didn't have subtitles turned on. (Incidentally, if anybody knows SWINE and could maybe ask them what movie they were watching as they were stuck in traffic for TWO HOURS below the city of Boston, could you let me know what it was? Sweet.) I also saw a guy in a Nissan Sentra tip his head back and fall asleep for like fifteen minutes next to us. He just shifted into park and closed his eyes. And when he woke up NO ONE HAD MOVED AT ALL.

TWO HOURS. IN THE TUNNEL.

GAH.

Cursed much? Apparently.

So, once we get the financial distric and are, at least, above ground, we sit in traffice for another fifteen minutes and then the road opens up. It was amazing. (And we should have taken Mass Ave.)

So we bowled. It was nice. It was the first time I'd been bowling since... I can't even remember, maybe three years ago. It took me a while to warm up, but I got there eventually.

And then Tom drove everybody home. Man what a trooper. Luckily there weren't any cars on the road at four in the morning.

So I got home last night (this morning) at FOUR THIRTY A.M.

Which is absolutely ridiculous. But a good story nonetheless, right?

Happy Saturday.
-t


recommended download:
Our Lady Peace, 3am
Good Charlotte, My Bloody Valentine
Flogging Molly, To Youth (My Sweet Roisin Dubh)

There will be WiFi access and an open bar at the reception...

Dearly Beloved, we are gathered here today in the sign of Google - and in the presence of this company of sidebar hyperlinks - to join together this blogger and this livejournaler in holy wed-log; which is to be entered into reverently, discreetly, solemnly, and, in this case, anonymously. If any reader can show just cause why these two may not be wed, let them comment now, or forever hold their peace (comments will be closed after the ceremony).

Marriage is the union of husband and wife joined in mind, blog, and heart, and is intended for their mutual joy and google text ad revenue.

Through marriage this blogger, and this livejournaler, make a commitment to each other; to face server breakdowns, traffic spikes, digged entries, and beta testing; to love, honor, and blog about each other's every quirk, annoyance, silly games, petty hang-ups, and endearing qualities; to post mushy pictures of each other, pets, and children; and to share hosting costs.

We are here today - before Al Gore - inventor of the internet, because blogging is one of his most sacred wishes - to witness the joining in marriage of these two online personalities. This occasion marks the celebration of love, commitment, and a pooled reader base, in which these two begin their life together.


Do you, blogger, take this livejournaler, to love, cherish, read, comment, and link to, as newly published, and ancient archived, as long as you both shall blog?

And do you, livejournaler, take this blogger, to have and to hold, to photoblog, videoblog, mobileblog; through boring posts, and podcasting attempts,

Now it is time to exchange the passwords....


In as much as this blogger and this livejournaler have consented together in marriage in front of these online acquaintences, and have pledged their support and bandwidth to one another, they are now joined.

What, therefore, God has posted, let no man edit or delete.

Then, go forth, be fruitful and multiply page hits.


You may now publish.

The Rundown

The Rundown:

Since birth:
-Shovelling out elderly neighbor's driveways.
Payment in cookies.
Summary: Cold, but morally satisfying.

Summer after eighth grade:
-Cleaning neighbor's pool.
Twenty bucks a week.
Summary: Getting money for accomplishing a measureable task. As far as 'first employment experience' goes, I'd say this was a positive introduciton to capitalism.

-Weeding, stump removal, landscaping (different) neighbor's back yard.
Eighty bucks for the job.
Summary: Taking down the forest of wild sumac sucked big-time, but I used the money to buy stuff for my GameBoy, a good trade off.

Sophmore year of high school through first semester of Junior year at BU:
-Cambridge Street Photo, one hour processing, slides, powerpoint, digital processing, large format printing, etc.
Up to eleven bucks an hour, plus commission, film & developing at cost.
Summary: Greatest job I've ever had. Possibly the greatest job I ever will have. I'd go back there now if I could.

I can't.


College:
-Assorted student employment: Office of Housing, Office of Residence Life, High School Tutor.
Seven bucks an hour.
Summary: It's a student job. Who really cares?

-Clerk at a movie rental place.
Six bucks an hour, plus free rentals.
Summary: Free rentals was nice. I spent a summer watching every "I can't believe you've never seen "_______"! movie I'd never seen (Godfather I, II, etc)


Since graduation:
-mutual fund accountant.
Payment: not worth it.
Summary: You know that scene in Office Space? Where Peter's like "Everyday I go into work, and it's worse than the day before. That means, that every day you see me, it's on the worst day of my life."

It's exactly like that.

How's that for a resume?
-t

recommended download:
Cowboy Mouth, Joe Strummer

Blockr

Navigating the internet at work instead of flickr I ran across this message:

Websense Enterprise

Your organization's Internet use policy restricts access to this web page at this time.

Reason:
The Websense category "Personal Network Storage and Backup" is filtered.

URL: http://www.flickr.com/

YouTube is blocked too. I'll be starting a web-canvas to see what else I can find. Or not find.

Meantime, what does "personal network storage and backup" mean? A site I can upload and store things... like pictures? Like when I upload and store images for intransitivity on blogger.com?

Because if blogger gets blocked I don't care what sort of Free Soft Drink Policy they put in place. There's nothing that will keep me here.

-t

btw, accessing myspace is still no problem.

What's the opposite of tax fraud? Oh, yeah, regular fraud.

Ok, so...I lied about ranting...


What we do here is balance the books. Just like balancing your checkbook at home.

It's easy:

There's a big number at the begining of the month
Then we tally all the buys and sells the client tells us to tally, and take in any payments, or pay out any expenses.

e-z.

So, theoretically, at the end of the month, the client sends us their big ending number
and it matches our big ending number - just like rocket science.

Anyway, my nightmare fund, is off.

By like twenty-one thousand.

-ish.

Which is significant. Not totally, hugely significant, but sort of a big deal.

So, my manager says, "we tied out last month, and all our trades are correct...it must be something that happened in those first few days of this month"

Because, well, our client is stupid.

Instead of sending us a begining number on the first of the month, like a good client would, they send us a begining number on the fifth. -ish.

And they expect that we can figure out any activity that happened between the first and the fifth, because, come on, it's only a week.

Which really isn't the best way to do business, but, as long as both client and us have our heads on straight it can be done.

Unfortunately (for me) neither the client, nor my manager, have their heads on straight

So, we're off twenty-one thousand.

That is, our number is higher than the clients - We've got extra money.

To normal people this would seem like an easy fix. 'Boca raton here I come', you know?

But that's not quite acceptible in finance due to "laws."

So, in order to tie out, my manager starts arbitrarily cancelling stuff on our books.

"We're off 21 thousand? well, here's a trade for seventeen thousand...if I cancel that...ok. Now we're only off by about four thousand"

"Here are some expense entries for 28, 330, 189...they total about seven hundred...cancel those, ok. Now we're only off about thirty-eight hundred"

"Hmm, they included interest earned in this trade....what if I rebook it without the interest? Ok. Good. We're down to about thirty-five hundred. Tom, why don't you see if you can find the rest of that money. I'm swamped today, already behind schedule."

Now, I don't think that this is strictly legal, because you're not supposed to do anything without client approval, but it's not strictly illegal either, because I'm pretty sure this isn't a final number.

Sure, we're on the hook when the auditors come around, but it's my understanding that the VP has to approve these numbers before it's official, so maybe my lazy manager is just trying to get it close enough to stall for time.

If he can give a good-looking bad-number to the VP and let him work out the mistakes, that buys us a couple days.

But the thing that I really can't figure out is this: my lazy manager already gave his notice
why is he even trying?

OK. It appears, earlier, when I said I wouldn't rant about this? I lied.

-t

Career options

My boss is a moron. I can't even write about it. It's been too many days in a row.

No more examples. No more rants. Not today. I don't have the energy, nor do I desire to spend additional time thinking about it.

Instead I'm going to sit here and pour over reports trying to find $3,742.50 on my fund, an arbitrary number my manager arrived at after cancelling a handful of good trades and rebooking two others with haphazardly incorrect amounts, in an effort to tie out to the client's number.

It's funny. Comical. If I'd been trained to do things correctly from the start we'd probably be right in line. This month-end thrown-together accounting-from-the-hip just isn't cutting it.

I'm probably going to get fired.

Or indicted.

-t

It's merely a coincidence that my commitment to civic duty overrides my diligent work ethic

My precinct closes voting tonight at 8pm. I had planned on voting after work.

I was just informed by Lazy Manager that we "may be staying extra late tonight" in order to finish the monthyl reports for the client.

Fuck that noise. If I have to walk out of here in mid-sentence to get home in time, I'm voting.

I'm just letting you all know.

-t

Opening Salvo

When you get into work in the morning I'd bet you've got a litany of tasks running through your head: Things To Do As Soon As I Get In To Work Today.

I'd bet most people come in thinking about projects they have to finish, or upcoming meetings they've got to prepare for, or sales calls they'll have to make. I'd bet most people are thinking about their morning work routine as they walk in, even if it's as simple as "make coffee so my boss doesn't get pissy, and check the voicemail."

I don't though. No thinking on the way into work. It's because I have no idea what I'm doing.

I spend the first hour everyday trying to figure out what it is I'm supposed to be thinking about doing. Once I've figured out what I'm supposed to think about doing, I think about doing it.

That's usually when I think something like "Wow, this another thing I was never trained on."

If my only responsibility was making coffee my morning might go something like this:


-Scene: TOM's office -

[TOM, sitting at his desk, alternately staring at gmail, google reader, and questingly around the office]

[BOSS appears at cubicle]

BOSS: "Tom. I need something to drink. Why don't I have something to drink?"
TOM: "What? Drink? ....Yeah."

[BOSS walks away]

[TOM, thinking] "Drink. Drink. What do you drink? Orange juice? Milk? Am I supposed to get orange juice in the mornings? Do we have a refrigerator?"

[INSOLENT BOB from his cubicle one row over]
INS. BOB: "Hey, Tom, are you going to, today? You didn't coffee?"
TOM: "What? Oh...coffee? Ok, right...?"

[TOM thinking] "Coffee. Right. Do we have a coffee maker? Am I supposed to buy some? Shit, I have no idea. How the hell do you make coffee?"

TOM: "Hey, Bob. I'm supposed to make coffee, right? How do I do that?
INS. BOB: "What? You don't know how to make coffee?"

[INS. BOB turns back to his work, ignores TOM]

TOM: "Right. I don't know how to make coffee. What am I supposed to do? What am I supposed to do first?"
INS. BOB: "Run the grounds in the coffee maker."
TOM: "What?"
INS. BOB: "The coffee maker. For making coffee. Take the coffee. And water."

[TOM thinking] "I'm sure this is a simple procedure. If you maybe, could just leave the cubicle for a minute you could come over and give me a little guidance, that would be very helpful."

TOM: "Bob. Where is the coffee maker?"
[INS. BOB does not respond]
"Where do we keep the coffee?"
[INS. BOB does not respond]
"Is there anything else I need?"
[INS. BOB does not respond]
Like filters? Where do we keep the filters?"
INS. BOB: "Don't worry about the filters now. I'll show you how to use them later on this week."
TOM: "We don't need the filters now? Really?"
INS. BOB: "You've never made coffee before?"

[TOM thinking] "No, I've never made coffee before. That was made very clear in my interview. I was hired to do a job, and they said I would be trained to do the job. I've never made coffee before, and you're supposed to train me!"

TOM: "No. I've never made coffee before. What do I do next?"
INS. BOB: "Go talk to the boss. Ask him if he knows where the filters are."

[TOM walks to BOSS's cubicle]
TOM: "Hey, boss, Bob told me to ask you where we keep the coffee filters. Any ideas?"
BOSS: "Oh. Hey. ...Yeah, um... I don't - I don't really make coffee, around here. So...
[BOSS clicks at some icons on his computer]
BOSS: "Um... Yeah, so I don't really know."
[TOM waits. Nothing more is forthcoming. TOM goes back to INS. BOB's cubicle]

TOM: "Bob?"
[INS.BOB 's voice, from kitchen]
INS. BOB: "I'm in here. In the kitchen.
[TOM thinking] "Why didn't anybody tell me this door leads to a kitchen?"
INS. BOB: "While you were talking to the boss I went ahead and made the coffee. So you're all set now, right? No problems? You'll be able to handle it from now on?"
[TOM, dumbfounded]
INS. BOB: "Ok. Remember, if you have any questions, just ask."

[TOM returns to his cube and opens blogger.com...]

-End scene-


Now imagine that happening every morning for six months. That's about where I am right now.

-t

Walk Away

Really, it's being trapped here that makes it so difficult.

If I could blow off the rest of the day's work and go home early, that would be ok. I could get up, and go for a walk, take some time and read a book at the Boston Public Library, and then hop on the T home. I'd get in just in time to catch Star Trek: The Next Generation on Spike TV, I'd make myself a sandwich, and relax.

The next day I'd show up for work knowing I was a day behind in work, and diligently attack my deliverables.

I would feel refreshed by some time off, and enegized by finishing projects.


That's not how it goes, though. We're one day away from a monthly deadline and none of my work is going to get finsihed, because I don't know what it is I'm supposed to finish. Or start, for that matter.

But I can't leave, because "it's deadline time."

I'd be happy to do this work. I'd be good at it. I'm pretty sure I could finish all this fifth-business-day monthly-deadline reporting by the second business day, if I knew what I was doing.

But I'm not getting any work done here, and as long as they're paying me to get nothing accomplished, all I'm saying is, it would be really nice if they would pay me to get nothing accomplished absolutely anywhere else.

-t


recommended download:
The Dropkick Murphys, Walk Away

WTF-X?

I've been working in the financial field for... two years, about.

I still don't understand foreign exchanges.

I understand them conceptually, I get that some currency is valued differently than other currency. But I don't know how to book them.

What does an exchange rate of 1.2235 for CAD mean? Is that 1.2235 CAD for every 1.0000 USD? I think so, that seems right, USD is worth more than CAD...

But what if you're going the other way? Then the exchange rate is 0.81733.

Also, on the reporting they give two numbers. 5,143,500 and 4,203,923.17. Which one's which? They don't provide an exchange rate on the report. I need to check a whole separate document for that.

Inefficient? Yes.

I feel like I'm in sixth grade and learning about decimal numbers again. I need some sort of FX worksheet.

-t

Oh, also, my password's locked, so even if I figure out which way to book these I can't.


recommended download:
The Raconteurs, Steady As She Goes

Media Sunday

Most sports commentators suck. Al Michaels, John Madden, Joe Buck, Tim McCarver, to name four - There are lots more.

Dear networks, please stop employing national commentators. I've got a simple plan that will make everybody happier: Simulcast the local commentators.

I know I would much rather hear Jerry Remy doing color for a Red Sox broadcast than any national commentator Fox has flown in for a weekend stint. I'm sure loyal Oakland fans would rather hear their guy than McCarver too. Why not have both local commentary teams call the game and let the viewers decided which they'd like to listen to?

I've got my trusty SAP button to switch languages, why not let me switch commentary teams too?

I think it's brilliant.

-t

Five for Five

Last Monday after work, I went home.

Then for the next four days I was out drinking.

Tuesday: Cousin's Halloween party. I hadn't planned it, but had a blast, and (more than) a few margaritas.

Wednesday: Tony's last night out. He quit, we all got drunk and watched the Celtics.

Thursday: Michael's last night out. He quit, we all got drunk, played video golf, and watched the Bruins.

Friday: A house-warming party at Tom and Mo's new apartment. I headed over at eight and didnt' get back until one in the morning.

Four out of five ain't bad.

And now it's Saturday, so who knows where the night may end?

-t

(that's rhetorical, don't feel like you need to guess in the comments)

They're not trying to be funny. I can't really believe it, but they're being sincere.

We're getting a new manager. It's why I didn't quit two weeks ago. Her name is Sandra. She's starting soon (?)

The following exchange is between Insolent Bob and my Lazy Manager:

To: Insolent Bob, Tom
From: Lazy Manager
Subject:

If you guys need help with anything during this month end you can ask Sandra to help.


From: Insolent Bob
To: Lazy Manager, Tom
Subject: RE:

R u my manager anymore?

To: Insolent Bob, Tom
From: Lazy Manager
Subject: RE:

Yes, but she is going forward

So, first of all, this is a totally ridiculous exchange.

And second of all, I'd just like to point out that this is the first actual official communication, by management, to the employees, that personnel is changing.

I've known about it via gossip for two weeks. Not official channels. The official channels, I think, need some dredging done.

-t

That pressure you feel at the base of your skull? That's your brain exploding

Story time....




I so, totally, hate my job.

This is the worst job I've ever had. Coincidentally, it's also the highest paying job I've ever had.

I've been under deadline for three days and have accomplished nothing. I have been working my hardest, too. I can't do the job. I don't have the tools.

My manager came by this morning to call me out on one deadline that had already gone whizzing by: Cash Reconciliation.

"Did you finish the cash rec for the nightmare fund?" he said.
"No. I still don't know what a third of the entries are for," I replied.
"Oh. Well. That was supposed to be done yesterday," he said.
"I know. I also haven't finished expenses for my other two funds, and Insolent Bob said he'd look at those," I responded.
"Oh, you still have expenses for your other two funds? What about expenses for the nightmare fund?" he asked.
"No, not done yet, I still don't understand how they're calculated ...

and he walked away! Without saying anything!


I FLAT OUT TOLD HIM I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING AND HE WALKED AWAY WHAT KIND OF MANAGEMENT IS THAT, I ASK YOU - THIS JOB SUCKS

Then Insolent Bob came to help me with one of his funds. I'm working on the "easy" half, he's working on the difficult half.

His instructions were:

"I'm going to do the pricing, when I'm done you can just copy and paste the variances I have onto your sheet, because both halves will have the same ones."

So. He finished the pricing, I copied and pasted, in no way understanding what the hell I was doing as I did so, mind you, and it didn't work.

I had a variance. So I called Insolent Bob over. I said "I've got a variance."

He looked at the spreadsheet and said:

"Wait. You can't just copy and paste from my sheet onto your sheet. We don't have the same holdings, the variances won't be the same. Why did you do that? You have to do some research."




..... and that's the story about how I got fired for throwing a computer monitor through the conference room wall.

-t

Tis the Seasons

It's cold, and it's raining. That must mean it's winter here in the city of Boston.

Or is it late autumn? Early spring? Just what sort of cold rain is falling today?

This seems like the perfect time to espouse my Theory of New England Seasons:


Most places you'll visit in the world over have got themselves pretty straightened out when it comes to seasons; Spring follows Winter, which followed Autumn, which followed Summer, which followed Spring, and so on.

Each place has its own charater, something that is unique to their particular progression of seasons. In Chicago they've got mild springs, and bitter winters. Northern Wisconsin is even worse, with very pleasant springs and very bitter winters. Keep going north and you hit Canada where spring, summer, and autumn all seem a lot like winter, and winter seems a lot like the surface of Pluto (the planet)(that's right, planet).

Then you've got the opposite end of the spectrum in places like San Deigo, where spring, summer, autumn, and winter all look exactly like each other: seventy-five degrees and sunny. What the weathermen like to call "nice."

I couldn't live there. It's too boring. "What's the weather like today, Lou?"

"Nice."

Everyday? Where's your sense of adventure?

In New England, that's where.

You all should be familiar with the adage "Don't like the weather in New England? Just wait a minute." (or, "ten minutes," or "fifteen minutes," depending on which town you were raised in. Point of fact, no matter which version of the saying you prefer it will never take longer than fifteen minutes for the weather in New England to change).

I've seen it snow in June (it wasn't really "snow" it was a dusting at best), and in April (a legit snowstorm! April 1st. Best April Fool's Day prank ever.) I've seen sunny days I thought would never end, in February (where's James Taylor when you need him?).

And it's always interesting.

Which brings me to my Theory of New England Weather.

First, we take for our example community some nominal, normal, ordinary town that is unremarkable in every way. Let's call it Normalopolis. Importantly, here, their seasonal pattern is exactly what learn as children: Summer for three months, Autum for three months, Winter for three months, Spring for three months, repeat ad infinum.

This is the community, real or otherwise, by which all seasons are compared. "Chicago seasons are just like Normalopolis seasons, except our summers are milder, and our winters are colder with more snow." is a typical statement (or would be, if people actually talked about an imaginary city called Normalopolis).

Boston, and New England in general, I argue, has seasons exactly like Normalopolis. Exactly, in every way. Maybe the winters are a little colder, but I'm not too concerned with temperature here (if you can't stand the cold, get out of the Northeast).

This is the first point: New England has exactly three months of summer, autumn, winter, and spring. Ninety days of each season, exactly (give or take a few days).

The twist is simply this: They don't come in order.

It's true. Try this fun exercise: Get out your calendar! Call up your local weatherman! Check the weather for every day this year! Place each day in one of four seasons.

June 26th was cold and rainy? - mark it down as early spring or late autumn.
January 3rd was sixty-five degrees and sunny? - sounds like spring to me!
It snowed on May 16th? - put it in the winter column!
March 15th it was raining in the morning, hot and humid in the afternoon, and snowed at night? That's a third each of autumn, summer, and winter!


When you've finished, go back, add up all your columns. What do you get?

90 days of summer
90 days of autumn
90 days of winter
90 days of spring

It's the scattering that keeps you on your toes. Where else in the country do you have to spend ten minutes running down your wardrobe before leaving for work?

"Ok. It's raining out right now, so I'll need waterproof shoes, a warm shirt, a rain jacket, an umbrella, my good bag, and I won't worry about my hair...but they said the rain will stop by lunchtime and it will be eighty degrees out, so I might want something light, instead of my warm shirt, and I won't need the jacket so maybe I'll just throw on a windbreaker now instead and just get by with the umbrella, and if I don't step in any puddles I won't need the waterproof shoes, but tonight it's supposed to drop down to thirty-five degrees, so I really should have my winter coat, or at least a pair of gloves and a hat, and my warm shirt again, and maybe my big bag so I can put my umbrella in there..."

And you end up going to work in waterproof shoes, a winter jacket, knit cap, with a giant bag holding your other shoes, a windbreaker, gloves, and maybe a sweatshirt, only to step outside and see that now the rain's cleared up, it's sunny, and locusts are blotting out the sun.

It can only be worse for girls who have to factor in skirts and open-toed shoes into the decision making process.

So with my theory you can expect ninety days of your favorite season to pop up and surprise you any time of the year.

I know what to expect, just not when to expect it, and that's what keeps me interested.

-t

recommended download:
Amreica, California Dreamin',

Work Cancelled Nation-wide, Please See The Following

The day after Halloween? No one should be expected to come into work! We should all be expected to stay home, clean the egg from our doorsteps, shaving cream from our cars, and gorge ourselves on the "leftover" candy meant for the trick-or-treaters.

No one should have to go to work after a holiday. Or on a holiday.

I'm compiling a list:

2007 Holidays

January
01/01 - New Year's Day
01/06 - Little Christmas/Feast of the Nativity/Epiphany

February
02/14 - Valentine's Day
02/19 - President's Day (observed)

March
03/17 - St. Patrick's Day/Evacuation Day (City of Boston)

April
04/01 - April Fool's Day
04/06 - Good Friday
04/09 - Easter Monday/Patriots Day (New England)

May
05/28 - Memorial Day

June
06/17 - World Juggling Day

July
07/04 - Independence Day
07/24 - my birthday

September
09/3 - Labor Day

October
10/08 - Columbus Day (observed)
10/31 - Halloween

November
11/01 - All Saints Day/Day of the Dead (Mexico)
11/12 - Veteran's Day (observed)
11/17 - Dan Goldin Day
11/22 - Thanksgiving
11/23 - Day after Thanksgiving

December
12/24 - Christmas Eve
12/25 - Christmas
12/31 - New Year's Eve


Basically all non-essential personnel get those days off. (Essential personnel include fire, police, emergency, and tourist industries)

Also, you shouldn't work on your birthday, whenever that falls. And no one should have to work on my birthday. That day should be filled with international Xbox tournaments, beer, pizza, and general merriment and revelry. And parades, if that's your thing and you like throwing them.

It's a work in progress. Spot any I missed?

-t

recommended download:
Weezer, Holiday

Tequila Sunrise

I've got a tequila headache.

I hadn't planned any Halloween revelry for last night, All Hallows Eve, but luckily, planning had been done by someone.

I was at work late yesterday when I got the invitation. I jumped on the T, less crowded than I expected with costumed strangers, and dodged shaving cream-covered teenagers on my walk home, and caught a ride over to the party.

Where I had lots of tequila in margarita form, and a profound realization.

(actually, it seemed very profound in my drunken euphoria...)

You should really only do things that make you happy. If you don't like your job you should get a new job that you like; if you don't like your apartment, move; and so on. Hanging out (and drinking) with friends and family is the greatest ever. You should do that as often as possible. Screw all that other noise.

Happy Day-After-Halloween. I'm dressed up as a guy who doesn't hate his job. I bet you couldn't even tell it was me.

-t