For those of you, like me, who spent last night, not studiously listening to President Obama's speech and the GOP response by Govenor Jindal, but partying for Fat Tuesday and gorging on all those things you'll be giving up for Lent (Call of Duty) I'm here to inform you that you missed the Next Big Thing and you should be prepared to log on to Facebook immediately after reading this entry so you too can join a group and be on the cutting edge of this phenomenon:
Gov. Bobby Jindal is Kenneth the NBC page.
The Huffington Post has been kind enough to post comparative videos. You can really start to hear in in Jindal's story about his grandfather, just after the 1:20 mark.
Golly!
Who is this better for, and when can we expect Kenneth to host SNL by playing Jindal in the opening sketch?
-t
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Don't Bring A Licorice Whip To A Knife Fight
These rules for gunfighting (from kottke) are hilarious and awesome.
My favorite is #10, hands down:
But there are lots of other good tips, like "The faster you finish the fight, the less shot you will get."
I've amended some of the rules for application to a number of other activities.
Pillowfight:
1. Forget about pajamas, sheets, and blankets. Bring a pillow. Preferably, bring at least two pillows. Bring all of your friends who have pillows. Bring four times the pillows you think you could ever need.
Eating Contest:
8. If you are not chewing, you should be swallowing, communicating, and running. Yell "Fire!" Why "Fire"? Cops will come with the Fire Department, sirens often scare off the sea gulls, or at least cause then to lose concentration and will.... and who is going to summon help if you yell "Hot Dog," "Ketchup" or "Worchestire?"
Porn Shoot:
6. If you can choose what to bring to a porn shoot, bring a semi or full-automatic long "gun" and a friend with a long "gun."
Raptor attack:
18. Watch their hands. Hands kill. Smiles, frowns and other facial expressions don't. Also watch their teeth. Teeth kill. Also, razor sharp foot claws kill.
Staring Contest:
26. Practice staring in the dark, with someone shouting at you, when out of breath, etc.
27. Regardless of whether justified of not, you will feel sad about staring at another human being. It is better to be sad than to be room temperature.
Living with OCD:
2. Anything worth cleaning is worth cleaning twice. Disinfectant is cheap - life is expensive. If you clean inside, a mop and bucket is your friend. Pine-Sol is cheap - funerals are expensive.
Spelling Bee:
24. Do not attend a spelling bee with a word in common usage, the number of syllables of which is not anything smaller than "4".
Making Out:
9. Accuracy is relative: most make out standards will be more dependent on "pucker factor" than the inherent accuracy of the tongue.
Debate:
3. The only thing worse than a drawl is a slow drawl.
7. In ten years nobody will remember the details of grammar, sentence structure, or speech impediments. They will only remember who lived.
Small Business Management:
25. Use a employee that works EVERY TIME. At a practice session, throw you employee into the mud, then make sure it still works. You can clean it later.
Bodyguard Carrying Contest:
16. Don't drop your guard.
Parent-Teacher Meeting:
21. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet if necessary, because they may want to kill you.
Any other suggestions for the gunfighting rules?
-t
My favorite is #10, hands down:
10. Someday someone may kill you with your own gun, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty.
But there are lots of other good tips, like "The faster you finish the fight, the less shot you will get."
I've amended some of the rules for application to a number of other activities.
Pillowfight:
1. Forget about pajamas, sheets, and blankets. Bring a pillow. Preferably, bring at least two pillows. Bring all of your friends who have pillows. Bring four times the pillows you think you could ever need.
Eating Contest:
8. If you are not chewing, you should be swallowing, communicating, and running. Yell "Fire!" Why "Fire"? Cops will come with the Fire Department, sirens often scare off the sea gulls, or at least cause then to lose concentration and will.... and who is going to summon help if you yell "Hot Dog," "Ketchup" or "Worchestire?"
Porn Shoot:
6. If you can choose what to bring to a porn shoot, bring a semi or full-automatic long "gun" and a friend with a long "gun."
Raptor attack:
18. Watch their hands. Hands kill. Smiles, frowns and other facial expressions don't. Also watch their teeth. Teeth kill. Also, razor sharp foot claws kill.
Staring Contest:
26. Practice staring in the dark, with someone shouting at you, when out of breath, etc.
27. Regardless of whether justified of not, you will feel sad about staring at another human being. It is better to be sad than to be room temperature.
Living with OCD:
2. Anything worth cleaning is worth cleaning twice. Disinfectant is cheap - life is expensive. If you clean inside, a mop and bucket is your friend. Pine-Sol is cheap - funerals are expensive.
Spelling Bee:
24. Do not attend a spelling bee with a word in common usage, the number of syllables of which is not anything smaller than "4".
Making Out:
9. Accuracy is relative: most make out standards will be more dependent on "pucker factor" than the inherent accuracy of the tongue.
Debate:
3. The only thing worse than a drawl is a slow drawl.
7. In ten years nobody will remember the details of grammar, sentence structure, or speech impediments. They will only remember who lived.
Small Business Management:
25. Use a employee that works EVERY TIME. At a practice session, throw you employee into the mud, then make sure it still works. You can clean it later.
Bodyguard Carrying Contest:
16. Don't drop your guard.
Parent-Teacher Meeting:
21. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet if necessary, because they may want to kill you.
Any other suggestions for the gunfighting rules?
-t
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Dumpster Diving
I'm reneging on my promise to stop complaining. I've got to rant, that's the whole reason this blog is here in the first place! To wit:
I've been assigned to the month end audit review team. This is not an enviable assignment, it is, in fact, an unenviable one. The audit review team's task, simply, is to review every single break across all aspects of each of the funds before the actual audit team performs their review.
This is exactly like tidying up before the maid comes to clean your apartment; except the funds aren't so much your apartment as they are the squalid dumpster in the alley behind your building.
It went down like this:
[ring, ring]
Hello, this is Tom
Will you be the contact for the audit team?
No
Well, you have to. And you're good at it. So you have to - the meeting's at two.
[click]
L-A-M-E.
Of course I'm good at it. I'm good at a lot of things. Mr. Clean is good at cleaning I doubt even he'd get excited about that back alley dumpster. Ability does not equal affinity.
I have been compelled into similar projects in the past. I have always resolved breaks at an above average rate. I have yet to see any substantial career gain.
And, since the economic meltdown has necessitated a salary and promotion freeze, I know for certain that the best possible outcome will be a hearty pat on the back from my immediate supervisor.
If I'm going to come out the other side of this being paid the same, having gained zero recognition within the firm, having moved not at all up the ladder, and, if it's all the same to you, I'd much rather spend the next month doing exactly what I've been doing which will net the same effect and avoid the entire back alley altogether.
Right?
-t
Thursday, February 05, 2009
See Things As They Are And Ask Why
I have a cold. As instructed by the best folk remedy, I am feeding it (mostly coffee). To distract myself from the sinus headache I am reading funny things online, like
This hilarious exchange.
Update: the link seems to be timing out, here's the google cache
Two observations: (1) I love science, and (2) Parenting is probably the most fun thing to do ever.
-t
This hilarious exchange.
Update: the link seems to be timing out, here's the google cache
Two observations: (1) I love science, and (2) Parenting is probably the most fun thing to do ever.
-t
Wednesday, February 04, 2009
Hard Times At Ridgemont High
Even though my company stayed well away from the short-selling mortgage-backed system-wide bankruptcy we are still feeling the pinch.
While our capital and market holdings are safe, our projected income for the next few years is going to dwindle as more and more of our clients are affected. So they have instituted a number of cutbacks in order to save some money during these lean times, like:
(a) no pay raises until further notice
(b) no bonuses for 2009
(c) all printers have been reset to default to two-sided printing, cutting our paper consumption in half (this deserves its own mini-post)
But, solid as our savings and planning may be, some folks are still getting clipped, like Roberto, a supervisor on the other side of the floor. He got the axe yesterday afternoon after chronically poor performance reviews (as told by a gossiping manager, "a habitual under-performer").
He was fired yesterday afternoon because he rolled in at eleven and missed the 9AM meeting they'd called to fire him.
Firings during a recession wouldn't surprise anyone, someone up and quitting with no notice will come as a surprise.
No. Not me. I know you were all thinking that. I may love quitting, but I'm not crazy enough to quit with zero prospects in a tanking financial climate.
There was, however, someone that crazy on the night shift!
So we were called into an emergency meeting Monday and told that an irate employee quit the night team with no notice that day and they needed a volunteer to replace him for the next five weeks.
So I volunteered, it might make a nice change of pace.
Unfortunately, they haven't told me yet if I'm going to get it. There may be other volunteers, availability may be an issue, etc. I was supposed to find out yesterday afternoon (this is an emergency fill-in, after all), but, nothing.
Until this morning a girl from the cash team shows up, out of the blue, and sits down with one of our trade guys to "train" on the trade system.
Indications point to me not getting the night shift gig.
Which is a shame, new hours (11PM-7AM), an interesting new sleep schedule (maybe 8AM-12PM, 6PM-8PM?), a new team (full of transplanted Dubliners ready for befriending), and an excuse to drink at seven-thirty in the morning ("a hell of a day at work").
It would have been only for the next five weeks, so I'd get back to regular hours before getting the insomnia-induced madness ("Every time something good happens to me you say it's some kind of madness, or I'm drunk, or I ate too much candy!"). Or, if I flourished, I could request a permanent move to nocturnal hours (like Batman).
But now, like a Superbowl victory, it looks like it's not in the cards.
-t
P.S. to those of you looking for references to Fast Times At Ridgemont High, as indicated by the headline, there aren't any, I've never seen it, and therefore have no jokes.
While our capital and market holdings are safe, our projected income for the next few years is going to dwindle as more and more of our clients are affected. So they have instituted a number of cutbacks in order to save some money during these lean times, like:
(a) no pay raises until further notice
(b) no bonuses for 2009
(c) all printers have been reset to default to two-sided printing, cutting our paper consumption in half (this deserves its own mini-post)
But, solid as our savings and planning may be, some folks are still getting clipped, like Roberto, a supervisor on the other side of the floor. He got the axe yesterday afternoon after chronically poor performance reviews (as told by a gossiping manager, "a habitual under-performer").
He was fired yesterday afternoon because he rolled in at eleven and missed the 9AM meeting they'd called to fire him.
Firings during a recession wouldn't surprise anyone, someone up and quitting with no notice will come as a surprise.
No. Not me. I know you were all thinking that. I may love quitting, but I'm not crazy enough to quit with zero prospects in a tanking financial climate.
There was, however, someone that crazy on the night shift!
So we were called into an emergency meeting Monday and told that an irate employee quit the night team with no notice that day and they needed a volunteer to replace him for the next five weeks.
So I volunteered, it might make a nice change of pace.
Unfortunately, they haven't told me yet if I'm going to get it. There may be other volunteers, availability may be an issue, etc. I was supposed to find out yesterday afternoon (this is an emergency fill-in, after all), but, nothing.
Until this morning a girl from the cash team shows up, out of the blue, and sits down with one of our trade guys to "train" on the trade system.
Indications point to me not getting the night shift gig.
Which is a shame, new hours (11PM-7AM), an interesting new sleep schedule (maybe 8AM-12PM, 6PM-8PM?), a new team (full of transplanted Dubliners ready for befriending), and an excuse to drink at seven-thirty in the morning ("a hell of a day at work").
It would have been only for the next five weeks, so I'd get back to regular hours before getting the insomnia-induced madness ("Every time something good happens to me you say it's some kind of madness, or I'm drunk, or I ate too much candy!"). Or, if I flourished, I could request a permanent move to nocturnal hours (like Batman).
But now, like a Superbowl victory, it looks like it's not in the cards.
-t
P.S. to those of you looking for references to Fast Times At Ridgemont High, as indicated by the headline, there aren't any, I've never seen it, and therefore have no jokes.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)