The Fifty: The final countdown

Top Ten:

10.

Detroit Waves, by Matt Nathanson

This is from a live performance (Paradise in Boston) I was only able to hear half of (John got kicked out halfway through the show). I can't wait for the next studio album from Nathanson. It can't help but be great.

09.

Home Of The Blues, by Johnny Cash

I've heard too many people (dumb people at work) say they prefer Joaquin Phoenix to Johny Cash. That's just ridiculous. Definitely grab some of the "Essential Johnny Cash."

08.

Ten Men, by Morcheeba

Man these guys are trippy! I love 'em. This is stuff you can listen to for hours at a time. Hours. And I wouldn't know from personal experience, but I'd guess it only gets better with a little panama red...

07.

All For Swinging You Around by The New Pornographers

Now these guys are high-energy. They've got a killer sound, killer vocals, killer energy (did I say that already?) Also, they're Canadian. (Vancouver, if you're wondering).

06.

Nicotine Bomb, by Mission of Burma

Hometown: Boston
Level of greatness: High
Best place to read more about them: Here
Or just listen to their music.

05.

Gay Cowboy, by Jude

This song is hilarious. Go ahead, make Brokeback jokes if you want, but Jude's been singing this for years. He's way ahead of his time. (and btw, that links to the full song - no clips for Jude)

04.

Tailspin Theme, Disney

Tailspin's a great show, and guess what? It's available on DVD now! Woo! Go get it.

I'm not giving you a link. You can find it on your own.

03.

The Office Theme from The Office

If they played this at the start of every day at my job I might not hate it as much. Right. Well, I can certainly use it to escape for almost a full minute at a time.

02.

Garbage Day, by The Ike Reilly Assassination

Whoa. I love these guys. This song's a blast, all their others are a blast, upbeat, catchy. I guess you could call them "radio friendly," but I don't care. They're regular friendly too.

01.

Ghosts, by Gary Jules

There. The last one. I told you Jules was making another appearance on the countdown, and I know there are some of you out there that have been eagerly eliminating numbered spots on your play-at-home scorecards. Well, here it is. Number one. I'll allow the position may be influenced a bit by my recent discovery of the music of Gary Jules, but I'll wager it won't fall any lower than sixth on the ultimate 2006 countdown even after a lot of time has passed.

The fifty. Maybe next year it'll only be twenty. What do you think.

-t

Man without a country (or printer, or manager, or anything)

I didn't get fired today for leaving work early yesterday.

I guess that's a positive.

It was Dec. 26th. Who has to work on the day after Christmas? There were only like three people in the office anyway, I had nothing to do (even less than my usual amount of nothing), and, I'm pretty sure I don't have a manager.

My new manager, Sandra, may not be my manager. Or maybe she is, but not for long. Or something like that.

Insolent Bob told me last week that Sandra won't be my manager anymore because she's taking over the European cash group. Ok, good for her. But what does that mean for me? Insolent Bob thinks it means he's getting a promotion.

I would quit on the spot.

It's not like I haven't had a manager before. Back when my lazy manager was my manager I'd go days without seeing or hearing from him. I liked it. The real problem now, with the non-existent manager, is that I don't know who I need approval from to take vacation time.

Which is a real sticking point when you've got plane tickets to buy.

It goes something like this:

• lazy manager doesn't do anything, then gets a new job in IT


• lazy manager manages to stick around in his lazy manager capacity for three months after getting a new job


• new manager, Sandra, comes on board, lazy manager starts paying attention to my work


• Insolent Bob says Sandra's leaving and he's taking over

If it's not Insolent Bob, the other possibilities are:

• lazy manager steps back into his role as lazy manager and never actually takes that new job he got four months ago


• they bring in a new guy


• they merge my group with an existing group

And who knows what will happen. It's not like there's any sort of communication in this place. Case in point: they moved the printers and didn't tell anybody. I've been sending documents into the ether for a week and have nothing to show for it.

I don't have a manager. I don't have a printer. I don't have approval for the vacation time I'm taking in February.

But I'm buying my plane tickets anyway.

-t

The Fifty: #20-11

It's the year of the mashup. Bring on the mixes.

20.

Stayin' Alive in Da Club Bee Gees vs. 50 Cent, by VJ Trip

This year I started listening to the Bee Gees and discovered mashups. This song, then, is a shoe-in.

(btw, watching this is a good way to wind up loving the Bee Gees.)

19.

Sunday Bloody Sunday (U2 Cover), by Pillar

It wasn't just the year of mashups, it was also the year of covers. I've listened to tons of U2 covers. This is one of the good ones.

18.

Sunday Bloody Sunday, by Christy Moore

This one may look like a U2 cover, but it's not! Don't take my word for it - give it a listen.

17.

Here's To The State Of Mississippi, by Eddie Vedder

This is a cover of a Phil Ochs protest song Vedder updated for the George W. administration. Disappointment and condemnation hold up pretty good over time.

16.

The Needle And The Damage Done, (Neil Young Cover), by Our Lady Peace

Sure, OLP's new stuff is maybe the worst music ever written, and sure whatshisface is producing some crappy cd for flavor of last month Cheyenne (is that her name? Nevermind, I don't even care). But their old stuff is great, and Neil Young's stuff is great, so an old OLP cover of a Neil Young song can't miss. And it doesn't.

15.

Encore (Beatles/Jay Z mashup) by DJ Danger Mouse

Here's another mashup. All the tracks from the Grey Album are awesome, I could have grabbed any of them for this spot on the playlist. And speaking of Beatles mashups...

14.

Glass Onion, by The Beatles

Beatles mashed up with Beatles! Cirque de Soleil construced an entire show around the Beatles new album of mashups (Love) and screw the acrobats and trampolines, the music is ridiculously good. (I've got another. Just try this next one on for size...

13.

Blackbird/Yesterday, The Beatles

It's a gorgeous mix. Exactly what you wouldn't expect. The whole album is this good. You'd swear you'd never heard them before, except you know all the words. Or maybe you'd swear you'd hear them before... but you definitely haven't.

12.

The Bar Is A Beautiful Place, by Ryan Adams

Eileen mentioned Ryan Adams in the same post she mentioned this list, which, it may surprise you to learn, inspired mine. This song is a live performance of a nice little sad number by the very same Ryan Adams.

11.

Bass Song, by Band of Horses

Coincidentally, Eileen brought these guys to my attention. They've been on my Most Played for a while. (check 'em out here)

-t

(Coming soon, the big finale #10-1!)

Going Deaf for All the Wrong Reasons

And another thing. None of these new guys use headphones. I'm surrounded by new people who insist on using their computer speakers to play their crappy music.

It's not just that my computer can't play music (won't read my audio cds or ipod; doesn't have speakers; doesn't have audio software).

It's not jealousy.

It's really that their music sucks.

All I ask is that you play something good. (Listen to the first twenty-five seconds of Breaking Rules by Lucky Boys Confusion.)

My ipod is going to be getting a lot more work. It'll have to be loud enough to drown out their music, Fat Albert, and the doorbell.

-t

recommended download:
Feliz Navidad, performed by Larry the Cucumber, of The Veggie Tales

Welcome to the Water Cooler

I'm in the first cube, of the first row. Front and center. It's awful.

That's what I thought Thursday morning when I moved into this new cube. Thursday afternoon the employees from the tenth floor moved up here. It started out ok. There was one new guy diagonally across from me. He seemed nice. More importantly he seemed quiet.

Then, late Thursday, somebody moved into the cube right next to me. He's loud. He was on his cell phone as he was setting his stuff up and for the rest of the afternoon. When some of his buddies came by the first thing he asked was

"Where's Jim? Where's Jimmy-Crack-Corn? Is Crack-Corn up here on this floor?"

What the hell is that? That's the nickname you gave him? "Jimmy-Crack-Corn? Honestly?

I'm not going to introduce myself to him. If he gives me a stupid nickname I'd be tempted to reach across the cube and clock him.

But it gets worse. I'm in the first cube. Right near the entrance, the kitchen, the small conference room, the copier, and the fax machine. This office doesn't have a water cooler for people to gather around to discuss last night's episode of 24 or Monday Night Football, or their commute.

They've got my desk.

But it gets worse.

This morning, as I was sitting quietly at my desk, listening to my ipod, searching for plane tickets (farecast.com) I hear this guy over the wall call out "Hey! Jimmy-Crack-Corn! How was your Christmas?!"

To which this big guy, Jimmy, apparently, bellows, in his best Fat Albert impression "HEY-HEY-HEY!!".


AUGH.
-t

The Fifty: #30-21

30.

Cocaine Blues (Live at Folsom Prison) by Johnny Cash

I've had a lot more Johnny Cash on my playlist since Walk The Line came out. I'd guess a lot of people have.

29.

Do You Believe In Love by Huey Lewis and the News

For that matter, who doesn't like Huey Lewis and the news? Nevermind that their work on the soundtrack of Back to the Future stands as a monument to eighties culture, they were a damn fine musical group on their own. Trust me, this one's better than "The Power of Love."

28.

D'yer Maker (Led Zepplin cover) from the Pickin' On Series, "Pickin' on Zeppelin"


If you've never heard D'yer Maker as a banjo instrumental, you've never heard it the way it was meant to be heard (by banjo-toting cover artists). I recommend listening to it on a warm summer evening spent sitting on the porch watching the sun set. It's probably ok to have a drink while you listen.

27.

Landing In London by 3 Doors Down

Best line in this song: "L.A.'s gettin' kind of crazy, New York's getting kind of cold; all I can think about is Monday, I just can't wait to get back home."

It's a nice line in a nice rock ballad. It's also the second 3 Doors Down song on the countdown.

26.

Ol' Time Pigeon Farm by Marcy Playground

Here's an upbeat rock song about being happy and wanting your friends to be happy too. On a farm. Full of pigeons (one presumes - from the title). I thought this song was on Marcy Playground's third album (MP3 - get it?), but actually, it's from their second, Shapeshifter. But everything on both of those albums is amazing, so you can't go wrong.

25.

Pass It On by The Coral

Here's another song abuot good feelings. Sort of. I haven't really figured it out. The Coral are either optimistically depressed, or the most heavily sedate rock n' roll band I've ever listened to. The music is awesome. The lyrics are great. The hooks hook you. But when it's all over you can't help but think that something really sad just happened - or maybe it was something that was really happy, in a sad way - or something. But it's good.

24.

Ruutitynnyri by Rautakoura

A-ha!! Now here' bluegrass! Rautakoura is a Finnish band who play American-style bluegrass. Dig that banjo work. It just so happens that most of their songs are sung in Finnish (that's a language, right? Finlandian? Finnese?) but this one's a straight up instrumental, so you don't have to turn on your brain's translation center to enjoy it. I'm not saying don't turn on the translation center, I'm just saying you don't have to.

23.

Sunday Bloody Sunday by U2

This year I sort of re-discovered the early U2. They're basically unbelievable. I still have some trouble with their newer stuff ("Elevation"? "a mole, diggin' a hole"? wtf is that?) But this song is so good I've even got covers of it. (by Evergreen Terrace, Pillar (later on in the countdown), and OAR with Matt Nathanson). All of them rock, because the source material is so good.

22.

Gotta Have You by The Weepies

Slow sad-sounding romantic songs to play over a candlelit dinner or the reconcilliation scene in your independent movie? The Weepies have you covered. They've also got spot #22 covered on the countdown. I don't go anywhere without at least a little of their stuff on my playlist.

21.

Hey Now Girl by Phantom Planet

You know them from their hit "California" from "The OC" soundtrack. Everything they touch is that catchy. Just look at their ex-drummer Jason Schwartzman - he went on to become an international film sensation (Rushmore, I Heart huckabees, Marie Antoinette). Just think what listening to them will do for you!


Coming up --- CHRISTMAS! (woo!) --- then more songs after the break.

The Fifty: #40-31

40.

Carmen Overture by Bizet

This is the piece that put classical music back on the playlist. It's a rolicking bit of music which has been reinterpreted many times, most notably in the classic film The Bad News Bears, which used the only theme from Carmen as the soundtrack.

39.

Gone For Good by The Shins

I can't remember if The Shins were big in 2005 or 2006 or somewhere else. Doesn't matter. I'm pretty sure I listened to them at some point this past year.

38.

New Slang by The Shins

Ditto above. Two good songs.

37.

Moneytalks by AC/DC

If you'd told me I'd be listening to "Moneytalks" this year more than "For Those About To Rock" or "TNT" or "Thunderstruck" I would have scoffed at you. That would have been wrong of me, though, and I would like to apologize. Sorry. You were right. "Moneytalks" is a great song.

36.

Joe Strummer by Cowboy Mouth

I first heard this song live in concert (Crawfish Boil '06 Birmingham, AL) and it blew me away. Though, that night, Cowboy Mouth was blown away by the performance of Sister Hazel. Who'd have guessed?

35.

I'm Good Now by Bob Schneider

Most of his stuff is good. This is the best of it. Unless you ask somebody else. There's bound to be a few different answers to that question. Best or not, it's certainly my favorite. It's good anytime.

34.

Officer by Kate Earl

Another singer/songwriter, I saw Kate Earl open for Matt Nathanson and bought a CD, which she signed "To Tom, <3 Kate" It wasn't until much later that I found out she'd signed the same thing on Donny's CD three nights later in Milwaukee. I guess they both like polka. I suppose there's no accounting for taste. In music, I mean.

33.

You Make Me Feel Like Dancing by Leo Sayer

This one goes back to my roots. My roots, in this case, being my fond memories of the 70's and all those great disco hits that have fallen by the wayside.

32.

Comfort In Sound by Feeder

The first Feeder song I remember hearing was "High" and I loved it. The next time I saw them it was in some awful video for some awful song called "Picture" (Do you want to take my pictu-u-u-re?" Ugh.)

But, turns out, that was Filter, thank the stars. Feeder never sucked.

31.

Dance, Dance by Fall Out Boy

Am I a sellout for liking the first single from the breakout album of a peppy pop band, tongue-in-cheek though it may be? So be it. "Dance, Dance" is one of my favorites from Fall Out Boy.


Watch for #30-21 next!

The Fifty: A Countdown

Fifty songs that have debuted, been in heavy rotation, or been stuck in my head through 2006. #50-41

50.

Mad World by Gary Jules (Tears for Fears cover)

You may claim, as many have, that this song is from the Donnie Darko soundtrack. You would be wrong. You should recognize this song from the "Gears of War" commercial. (here) This song is the reason I bought an Xbox 360.

49.

Snow (Hey Oh) by the Red Hot Chili Peppers

I'd heard good things about the new RHCP. I'd heard they were in the studio for months recording a bad album, and one night they just scrapped the whole thing, sat for a twelve-hour session, and laid down the framework for their crowning achievement.

I admit, the stories were pretty exciting. It wasn't until the X-games were being promoted on ESPN though, that I bought the album. The commercial used the opening lick from this song, and I was hooked.

48.

Within A Mile Of Home (live) by Flogging Molly

Speaking of music released in 2006, Flogging Molly's Within A Mile Of Home was actually released in 2004. But I got it this year, and while most of the album feels like they're starting to stretch their sound a bit, this, the title track, feels just like the Molly we know and love.

47.

Tobacco Island by Flogging Molly

I didn't like this song at first. I dismissed it as another "Cruel Mistress." But I was wrong. This is the first song I play whenever this disc comes through the rotation. It rocks.

46.

Marker In the Sand by Pearl Jam

Here's the first Pearl Jam item in the countdown. I'm a fan of the opening. I dig Pearl Jam. Keep an eye out for an Eddie Vedder solo piece later on...

45.

It's Not Me by 3 Doors Down

Here's another band that's making two appearances. "It's Not Me" gets posted here, because I'm saving the other one for later. Both songs are from the album Seventeen Days which I received in the mail after forgetting to cancel my CD Club membership.

44.

Natalie Portman by Ozma

I started listening to this one a little more often after catching a rerun of Natalie Portman's SNL Digital Short. I hate her, but it's a funny bit, and the song's really good too.

43.

Tannhauser by Richard Wagner

You'll be seeing one or two more classical pieces here. This is the one I fall asleep too most nights. Some of you may also remember this from Disney's Fantasia. It's awesome all around, though it isn't the piece that swung me toward the classical sound - that's coming up later in the countdown.

42.

Juke Box Hero by Foreigner

I had no idea who Foreigner was. I still really don't. The bulk of my history of music knowledge comes from VH1's Heavy Metal programming. I may have grabbed this song by accident, who knows. But, I do know that when this shuffled onto my playlist I couldn't stop listening. I have visions of spotlights, colored strobes, and an anonymous, long-haired guitarist, atop a larger-than-life jukebox in a crowded room. And sometimes there are disco lights.

41.

Kyle's Mom's A Bitch by Trey Parker, Matt Stone, South Park



This song is hilarious. I can't believe "Blame Canada" was nomiated for Best Song and this wasn't. I dare you not to sing along.

Next up, #31/40

Just when I thought things couldn't get any better

My company recently paid a hefty fine to the SEC and in so doing avoided an admission of guilt. Spurred by the loss of cold, hard, cash we're making an effort to cut costs. "Rent" is a big cost.

So they're moving all of the employees on the eighth floor up here, and subletting the space.

Results
1. No Christmas bonus
2. I'm moving cubes.

Right now my floor is pretty space out. I've got empty cubes on three sides of me, and a printer on the fourth. Management thought it would be a good idea to use the move as an excuse to rearrange everything.

The five printers are going to be moved to the small conference room. The small conference room will now be referred to as "The Printing Hub."

Steve, the joker of the floor, is being moved to the farthest corner of the office where it will be very difficult for him to do any damage.

And I'm being moved to the VERY FIRST CUBE.

I'm closer to the door than the secretary. I'll be the first thing the VP sees when he comes in, and the last thing he sees when he leaves. Assuming, of course, I make it in to work before him.

They are putting me in a HIGH TRAFFIC AREA, people. This will make it exceptionally difficult to play Scrabble online, to sleep, and generally slack-off.

I'm right next to the kitchen! EVERYBODY will be walking past my desk! EVERYBODY!

AUGH. augh augh augh augh augh augh augh augh augh augh augh augh ...

The sole benefit is the proximity to the exit. I will now no longer have to walk the length of the office, in plain sight, trying to disguise my jacket and backpack as legal-size folders, when I try to cut out of work early. I will be ten feet from the door.

Which is eleven feet further than I'd like.

-t

Boston University SHARKS!

"Everybody's always in favor of saving Hitler's brain, but once you put it in the body of a great white shark, suddenly you've gone too far!" -Prof. Farnsworth

Just saw this on boingboing.net: Boston University researches have had a breakthrough with their remote-controlled sharks.

You heard it, sharks. Just like that terrbile movie about super-intelligent sharks, but this time they're normal dumb sharks, and the military can strap torpedos to them and guide them right up the Taedong River.

-t

Like high school without the dances.

Last week, our Vice President was demoted and moved to the Ohio office.

There was no official announcement. One day he was leaving work early like he always did, the next day there was a different guy in the office with different pictures of company sponsored team-building retreats.

Apparently he's a big shot with the company. This was just sent out by management:

To:Team leaders
Subject: Heads up

Grant Simmons is on our floor now. Please encourage your staff to be here by 9 each day before he brings it up. He gave me the subtle hint today!

Thanks!
-Dick Matthews

I've seen similar emails in the past, if you work in corporate you probably have too.

They strike me as a little insincere.

"We have to do our jobs the right way now because someone is watching." really means "When no one is watching it's ok to screw around."

Really, if this place were being run well, the team leaders, management, and the big shot VP would all require punctuality. "Tell your people to do their jobs so I won't get in trouble" isn't a message you want to broadcast. It smacks of unprofessionality.

In addition, I believe that the VP should address the floor directly. If he's got a problem with tardy employees, be up front about it. Is it too much to expect a little professionalism from the Vice President of the company?

"Hey, management, your teams have been coming in late. Fix it."

See that? No subtlety. Directness. It's better.

It's also really the only thing I respond to in a working environment. I will continue to show up whenever I damn well please until I am told directly that it will not be tolerated.

I think we all know when that's going to happen - so it looks like you can count on me not making it to the nine a.m. meetings.

-t

The meme stops here.

Ok, Jayne tagged me for the 5 things meme.

But the buck stops here.


Five things you do know about me:

1. I hate my job.
2. I don't know how to get a job I don't hate.
3. I hated my old job.
4. I hate my job.
5. I write about this a lot.

But, seriously, I don't know if I can come up with five things you don't know about me. My life is an open book.


Five Things you had NO IDEA about me:

1. Summer of before my freshman year of college my grandmother bought me a trip on a replica whaler. I helped harpoon a sperm whale near the Artic Circle. But he was too small so we threw him back.

2. As much as I say I love flannel, I really only own one flannel shirt.

3. I can blink faster than the speed of light. There, I just did. (I always win staring contests.)

4. I lost my left ring finger in a table-tennis-table-folding accident when I was twelve. Since then I've worn a (very-convincing) prothesis.

5. I once punched a girl in the face. Actually it was a kitten.



And that's five things you didn't know about me.

-t

My (Lack of) Performance Review

In my previous post I mentioned that "Cleaning" wasn't in my job description. What then, I wondered, was in my job description?

So I pulled it off the company website and have transcribed a somewhat abbreviated form here, with commentary in red.

BASIC FUNCTION:
To provide fund administration accounting and partner allocation and/or shareholder services

Well, that seems pretty straighforward. Let's save the criticism and sarcastic observations for later.

FUNCTIONS
Where applicable; perform the following functions:
Process trades for assigned funds - Woo! I can to that one! That gets a big 'ol checkmark

Reconcile cash on a daily basis and obtain signoff from Account Manager - What's that about the Account Manager? We're supposed to see them on a daily basis? Signoff?

Reconcile holdings to Prime Broker and/or Investment Manager and obtain signoff from AM - Again with the AM approval, what's this all about?

Calculate Net Asset Value
Perform reconciliations to prime broker and/or portfolio manager
Caclulate income and expense accruals - I definitely don't know how to do that.

Prepare NAV package
Maintain general ledger - If I had to guess, I'd say that's some type of excel spreadsheet. I don't even know what hard drive that's saved on.

Calculate management fees - Can't do that.

Process and maintain records for shareholder and partner contributions and withdrawals - Who the hell are the partners?

Prepare cashflows for review and send to investment managers - I have never sent anything to anybody. Six months, folks.

Prepare wires for subscription and redemption monies - I think I've written about one hundred seventeen posts about what I don't know about wires.


Calculate performance-based incentive fees - I can tell you right now, if I'm involved, there's zero performance.

I think I'd be a little concerned if this came up at a managerial review, but I've never had one.

Sitting down and reading it now I'm starting to feel tremors. If my job performance ever is reviewed, I'm going to get fired.

-t

How do you say "The Cleaner" in French?

Last week sometime our VP's executive secretary sent out a company-wide email which I immediately deleted.

Today she resent it, you know, as a reminder. A reminder for... Cleaning Day!

First, before we get to the highlights, I'd just like to ask, for propriety's sake, wtf, mate?

On Thursday (12/14) 10:00 - 12:00 is going to be dedicated to the
Clean up effort on both the 9th and 17th floors.

Everyone needs to participate in this.

Pizza will be delivered at noon and jeans can be worn.

We will be sending out a document on the retention/destruction policy.

Also as a reminder: anything that will be thrown away, make sure to use the shredding boxes for any financial records.

What needs to be cleaned? ...Everything!! Please make sure each
empty cube is free of all trash/boxes/files etc.

The file cabinets needs to be gone through and archive whatever can be archived or throw away whatever can be thrown away. Each closet should be emptied out of all boxes/files/trash. The printer stations need to be cleaned of all boxes/trash and all counters and shelves need to be cleaned too!

So, listen. I want no part of this. None. I plan to take a nice long two hour break and wander the city. Maybe I'll catch a movie, or see a play at the Opera House - I'm sure they've got a Thursday matinee - maybe STOMP is in town.

I'm a mutual fund accountant. I'm not a sanitation engineer, nor am I a janitor, I am not Jean Reno from La Femme Nikita, or Harvey Keitel in the shameful American knock-off Point of No Return.

I'm here to tie out funds. "Clean trash/boxes/files" is not in my job description.

-t

There's nothing wrong with wanting flannel

"Well, what do you want to do?" is the wrong question.

I hate my job, I want to get a new one doing something else, something I don't hate. How do I know what I don't hate? No idea.

Short of guess-and-test there isn't a really good solution to the problem. I could quit this job and try telemarketing for a couple weeks, then quit that job and try managing a Mcdonalds, after that I could try pouring concrete, if I could get into the union.

Won't work, though. After two or three jobs I'll start getting heat at interviews. "Why'd you leave your last job? And the one before it? And before that? And the six other jobs you've had in the last two months?"

Not an ideal candidate.

It's not the right question, but it's still the question everybody asks me. "What do you want to do?" I have no idea!

But, and here's the key, it doesn't matter. I'll do anything. I know I'd be good at anything, given the proper instruction. I do know I don't want to do finance.

I want to work with a small group of intelligent people. That's it. Doing what? Who. Cares.

Practically, my resume is loaded with financial experience so I'm hounded by recruiters if I post it online; I don't relish the thought of changing industries because that means I'll be starting out at the bottom of the pay-scale ladder again; and which industry should I try?

You can picture me in my ideal job, can't you? Flannel shirt, jeans, working with a few very smart people, and getting a big fat paycheck at the end of the week.

-t

Priorities

I just missed my training class.

I was supposed to go at eleven, see, and I was planning on it. I grabbed a coffee at ten thirty, wrote a quick post, noticed my sidebar doing weird things but couldn't fix it, then planned on going to class.

But my lazy manager (ex-manager? who knows) was standing in the doorway talking to somebody. I'd have to walk past him to get to the training room.

He didn't move for a long while, so I didn't make it to the class.

-t

Topped with a sprinkle of cinnamon

Mmmm. This is a delicious gingerbread latte from Dunkin Donuts. Exactly as delicious as I'd expected it to be.

So, after leaving early Friday [read: Cutting out Friday and shirking responsibilities to play Xbox 360 at home] the nightmare fund was left in the capable (I imagine) hands of my new manager Sandra. If she chooses to take on too much work and not delegate, I reflected, let her. It's not my job to step in.

So, I arrive Monday with less hair and a more positive attitude toward the nightmare fund, which was revealed immediately after my first sip of the gingerbread latte. I decided to go looking for work.

I sent an email to Sanrda:

Where do you stand on the nightmare fund and what do you need me to do to help?

and received an immediate reply:

Insolent Bob was working on putting together the reports on Friday. Can you guys work together to reconcile cash and put them together?

I’ll forward some files from the client. You should be able to reconcile to the broker as well.

"Argh," I thought, "I hate Insolent Bob. Might as well torpedo my positive attitude for the rest of the week."

but then this appeared in my inbox:

Oops, I forgot that Dave will be out. I have the file. I’ll bring the information over soon.

Ha! Turns out the reporting will have to wait, I've got a training class in twenty minutes that runs until lunchtime. Hope the client doesn't have high expectations for the December monthly reporting.

-t

High-and-tight

My haircut is big news:

"Whoah. Quick, look at this Steve, before he sits down, show-and-tell over here."

"Yeah, Buffalo, Tom got a big haircut over the weekend. Tom, I like it."

"High-and-tight, huh? High-and-tight. Gone with the skinhead look, huh? High-and-tight."

But I'm tired, it's Monday morning, and I just want them to shut up shut up. I should have expected it - of course my hair is big news. It's exactly the sort of thing that would get noticed, like a hot pink shirt, or plaid pants.

For the rest of the day I'll be saddled with the nightmare fund reporting and a near-constant "high-and-tight" refrain from Buffalo.

I'm going out to get a gingerbread latte from dunkin donuts asap.

-t

It's not Office Space, it's real life - but this is right out of Office Space

All week I've been killing myself to get the monthly reporting for Western done. Insolent Bob has been worse than unhelpful, and has only increased the amount of stress I've been feeling lately. A competent, well-trained employee could have had the fund out two days early. I stayed past closing last night, the due date, to finish the fund.

Meanwhile I haven't been worrying about FFN, my easy fund, because it's due next Thursday and can be finished in a day and a half.

The only other worry would be the nightmare fund that has plagued me since its inception.

But!

My new manager, Sandra, has been working on that fund for two weeks. I was forced to help her last Tuesday for two hours after closing on some ridiculous spreadsheets from the client. I figured she's got it pretty well in hand at this point, since she's been on it for so long, and she knows what the hell she's doing.

So I decided to ask for the afternoon off. Maybe get some Christmas shopping done. Certainly go home and play some Xbox 360. With hopes high I sent off the following email:

Sandra,

Can I take off today around 2 today?

No reason to think she'll say no on that. Western's done, FFN is a cakewalk, and I'm sure she's already looked at, and probably finished, the reporting for the nightmare fund.

She responds:

How is nightmare fund looking? Have you had a chance to work on it?

WHAT!?!? She's been working on that fund for two weeks! What the hell was she doing if it wasn't the monthly reporting!? She said she was taking care of it! If I was supposed to be doing that monthly reporting in addition to my other funds SOMEBODY SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME!

I wouldn't have gotten anything more done over the last week, but at least I would know I was responsible for that report!

So I sent back this:

Sandra,

Not at all. I’ve been focused on Western all week and today I’m catching up daily cash for that and FFN. I don’t even know what needs to be done on the nightmare fund.

What am I supposed to do? It took me all week to clear Western. Having an additional fund on my desk that I don't understand would not have made that go any faster, and more than likely would have slowed me down. But that's irrelevant, because Sandra was (suposed to be) working on the nightmare fund!

But, then, my high hopes were fulfilled:

Tom.

Okay…Not a problem…I’ll have a look at it. If you have to head out around 2 then that’s not a problem.

YES. Two o'clock I'm gone! I'll just spend the morning finishing my daily cash recons for FFN and Western, and then vanish.

Which is when my old lazy manager strolled over to my cube:

Hey, Tom, have you looked at the nightmare fund for Sandra at all today?

No, I've been working on Western all week long.

Oh, wow. Did that get approved?

Yeah, last night finally at quarter to six. Today I've been catching up on cash. And I just got an email from Sandra about the nightmare fund.

No, don't worry about cash - you've got all month to catch up cash. We're already a day late on the nightmare fund, and we're really on shaky ground with them. Because I'm not going to be around this month to do any of that. If it doesn't get handed in you'll both get reamed at by the client...

AAAARRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

wtf, mate. wtf. He spent the whole time peering at my computer trying to read the emails which were open on my screen. That's not cool.

How about this: You, lazy manager, since you've clearly got time enough on your hands to stroll around the floor and make trouble for anybody, can help Sandra with the nightmare fund!

Two people who know how to generate the monthly reports actually generating the monthly reports? What a good idea!

Letting me, the kid who's never been trained, wasn't informed this reporting was his responsibility, and, by the way, hates every second of every day he spends sitting here, the afternoon off to play video games? WHAT A GREAT IDEA!

I'm going to start sending out my resume as soon as I get home.

-t

Goings On in The Cutthroat World of Business

The guys in the other row just started playing this new found computer game

Here

The competition is cutthroat (see how long you can last!) and within seconds of each other times were flying back and forth between the cubicles:

"Twenty-one point four two seven."

"Ha! I just got Twenty-one point five three."

"Oooooh. Twenty-one point six seven four. Suck it, losers!"

And so on.

So, when the link was forwarded on to me I did what any dastardly minded competitor would do - I played one round, scored 16.798, then opened MS Paint and emailed this screen capture to the whole office:



-tgme

The Lowdown

Our cubicle walls are just under four feet high. The desks are about thirty inches off the ground. I'm six-foot-two.

My surroundings strike me as rather low-ish.

Back at the old job the cubicles were five feet high, desks almost forty-inches tall, and we had big, comfortable, high-tech chairs. The chairs were ridiculous.

First, they were big, heavy, black plastic, and bright orange fabric. And everything was adjustable. The armrests swiveled on dual hinges, the height was adjustable; lumbar tension was adjustable; seat depth, edge angle, chair height, recline-resistance. Everything. They were like the Robocop of chairs.

Now I've got some toadstool-like chair with no support and one lever. It adjusts the seat height. That's it.

So in my first few days here I kept the seat way up. I've got long legs, I don't like to be cramped, and I liked keeping my head above the divider so I could see what was going on.

But I've learned since then. Keep the chair low.

With the seat a paltry six inches off the ground my desk becomes the cockpit of a Lamborghini Diablo, rocketing through cyberspace well below the level of manager-radar.

Low cubicles force low seats to enable low profiles. Great heights of do-nothingness can only be achieved by getting as lowdown as possible.

-t

I would have posted this about two hours ago, but spent the time searching (vainly) for a picture of my old chair. It was a tank.

I "Accidentally" Bought an Xbox 360

I (accidentally) bought an Xbox 360.

And there will be no end to the grief after I've told you the story. I mentioned it to Jenny yesterday and since then it's been all "Ok, careful, don't accidentally buy one of my pieces."

I imagine much the same from you readers.

So I have been in the market for an Xbox 360 since resigning myself to the un-gettable-ness of the Nintendo Wii. The Xbox 360, I figured, isn't so bad, as consolation prizes go.

I shopped online (heaven forbid I set foot in a bricks and mortar installation). The web offers convenience, and, hopefully, less-than-retail pricing. The Best Buy, Circuit City, Walmart, Target dot-coms, and the rest of the usual suspects were pricing relatively high (retail and up) so I eschewed the chains for craigslist and ebay.

Which is how I ended up accidentally buying an Xbox 360.

I found a few good packages (system! plus HD! plus wireless controller! plus 8 games! only $200!) that weren't really good packages (HD broken! controller needs wire to work! all 8 games are all burnt onto on disc!).

I found some great packages (Premium, extra wireless controller, charger, plus Live Gold membership, plus Gears of War, Perfect Dark Zero, Madden 07, and Burnout Revenge) that were a little out of my price range (bids start at $1,300).

Then I found one I liked. Premium system, plus Perfect Dark Zero, and an extra controller. I placed my max bid with one minute to go in the auction. And I was winning for like thirty seconds.

Then, I was outbid! Someone had swooped in near the closing seconds to up the bid five bucks over my max. I thought to myself "I will not allow him to get away with that."

Figuring that his maximum bid was probably much higher than mine (at least $50 bucks) I decided to punish him. Sure, he might win the auction, but I'm going to re-bid to force him to pay his max. He's not going to steal this system with 8 seconds left by paying $5 more than I was willing to pay.

I was going to push him to his limit. So I upped my bid, wanting to fall just pennies short of his maximum. (Remember, 8 seconds left...)

"Confirm Bid?"

Turns out he hadn't bid as much as I'd figured. My over-bid won the auction. "YOU WON THE ITEM!"

Oops.

Well, it should arrive sometime this week and while I sort-of kinda regret getting it the way I did, instead of waiting for some killer deals after Christmas, I still wind up with an Xbox 360, and that's not at all bad.

-t

P.S. you might try "accidentally" buying one of the t-shirts I put up: here

There's no "i" in "blog"

Blogging is a team sport.

Where would we be without crazy friends for inspiration?

So I threw this together:
http://www.cafepress.com/intransitivity

Nice, huh?

-t

If I could just put my finger on the one thing, the primary cause of my unease, unhappiness, and general discontentment...

Ok. It's not my job that I hate. It's Insolent Bob.

He is surly and nearly unapproachable. He does not communicate well verbally, struggling with both the spoken word, and the written word. (He may be very good at charades, but I doubt it.)

I would not find his unhelpfulness so consternating except for his expression of disgust whenever I ask him a question. "You should already know this," he seems to say, "are you stupid?" His whole manner screams "This job is really easy and my instructions are quite clear and understandable, you ignorant peon."

[The above is not quite accurate. Insolent Bob is much more vulgar in speech and mannerism. I cannot bring myself to duplicate or transcribe his behavior more faithfully, as it would violate the good taste of this blog.]

What's more, his attitude is unjustified. His instructions are neither clear or easily understood.

Today's emails:

Monday, 8:55 AM
From: Insolent Bob
To: Me

They reposted the interest that had been cancelled, Do not accrue for this but rather book to cash for 11/1 and settle 11/1. all the others should be accrued.

From: Me
To: Insolent Bob

Do you mean the entries labeled “Interest Earned/Charged for November” that appear on the December 1st reports should be booked as Interst/Expense effective November 1st?

Also, which entries should be accrued?

From: Insolent Bob
To: Me

I am not sure what it is called _ Brk TD 11.1 post/settle 11.1

What the hell is that supposed to mean?! It's not just me, right? My response isn't crazy, is it? I asked a clear, coherent, topical question, didn't I? A normal person could respond to that with a definitive answer, couldn't they? A "yes" or a "no" would make sense there, wouldn't it?

Because really, if I'm totally off base here somebody is going to have to tell me. Is this normal behavior?

Try this exercise: You, the reader, pretend I'd sent my question to you. Even without knowing for sure the correct answer to the question, can you compose a reasonable response? One that makes sense?

Now, I'd just like to remind you that Insolent Bob is not some blog reader who has no knowledge of mutual fund accounting, but he is, in fact, THE SENIOR TRAINING MEMBER OF THE GROUP.

I honestly find it hard to believe we continue to generate new business.


-t

Flat and dusty

I do not hate my job this morning.

This morning, I have no strong feelings one way or the other.

The absence of feeling had led me to a realization: If I don't care about something, I should [be able to] just walk away.

The most I've done today is gag on a bit of dust that was floating on the surface of a half-can of ginger ale I took a swig of that's been sitting on my desk since Friday afternoon.

And, really, I care more about the quality of three-day-old tonic than I do about my state of employment.

That's pretty much all I can muster up for this post. Stay tuned, though, I'll probably be back with a hating-my-job rant soon enough.

-t

Mutual Funds vs. Mutually Exclusive

Ok, so. I don't hate my job - today - I just don't want to do it.

It's day one of monthly reporting, but more importantly, it's Friday.

On day one we're supposed to process expenses (still don't know how to do that), reconcile dividends (I think the system does that for me), calculate management fee (definitely don't know how to do that), and reconcile positions (woo! I know one!).

On Fridays we're supposed to go home early and play video games.

The two are mutually exclusive. Mutually exclusive.

So I'm stuck here trying to play scrabble online (first game is free), critiquing new mastheads, and waiting for blogs to update.

All of which is being hampered by Insolent Bob's much-more-frequent-than-usual trips to the printer today. He's actually waited in my cube twice already. And, hey, that's fine if you're a friend of mine. Cube-hanging is O.K.

But Insolent Bob is no friend of mine, SO GET THE HELL OUT OF MY CUBICLE! I'm trying not to work!

Honestly.
-t

a GREAT morning

I woke up this morning and I felt great. Super great, even.

I was refreshed, invigorated, and above all, awake.

No more of this dragging my half-asleep self to the shower and drifting off to dreamland again under the water.

It was a good morning. Totally conscious, a little SportsCenter, it was nice.

Then I headed downstairs, my dad took one look at me and said "Wow. Are you ok? Are you sick? You look like shit."

So. That's how my day started. I decided not to glance in the mirror and ruin my good mood.

-t