Last Minute Xmas Shopping For Blog Readers

From Matthew Baldwin's
Holiday Last-Minute Survival Guide for Slackers:

Hey, here’s a thought. Why not buy pretty much anything sold at dealextreme.com? JFC, I don’t even know where to begin. The Braised Pork Cell Phone Charm? The Professional Laser Guided Precision Scissors? The Stainless Lighter With 4GB USB Disk? The LED Light Illuminated Ear Pick? The Hamburger 12 CD Flannel Storage Bag? The Shock-Your-Friend Electrified Dummy Digital Camera? The Digital Buddhist Jukebox in Tibetan (5 Songs)? The TDR USA 16-inch Crossbow? The Whatever-the-Hell That Promotes Bowel Movement for Pets?

I’m pretty sure this web site is based in some alternate dimension where Lincoln used kung fu to disarm his assassin and now everything is AWESOME.

I concur.

-t

Screwed on Christmas

A few weeks ago I started checking my vacation calendar. How many days I'd used, how many I had left that wouldn't roll over to the new calendar year, which days in the upcoming weeks I could burn.

As I was about to request some time off (specifically, the last few Fridays of the year) we got an email stating someone else in the group had beat me to it.

He was flying to Cleveland last Friday, so he put in for the time, got it, and then thought "why not try forthe remaining Fridays" and did, and got them (12/14, 12/21, 12/28)

I don't begrudge him the time off, it's unfortunate for me that he got there first.

So, I did the next best thing, I requested the remaining Mondays off. I doubled checked. I realized that Monday is Christmas Eve and some people may have already requested it. I checked the calendar for approved requests, and I checked the calendar for pending requests. Nothing. It looked open. Sweet.

So I got last Monday (12/17) and slept most of the day, and asked for next Monday (12/24), Christmas Eve, and was denied.

Denied! I couldn't believe it! Here's this new kid in the group who gets three Fridays in a row off, and I can't get two Mondays?

I asked my manager about it. "Sorry, too many people have the day off." I told him I'd checked the calendar, and no one had the day off. Turns out, he took Christmas Eve for himself. He is "too many people." You know what? Fine. If I were managing a group you can bet I'd give myself the pick of the vacation calendar. Screw the working man, managment is taking it easy. Fine. No vacation for the underlings.

So, imagine my surprise this morning when I received an email from my manager:

"Please cover the new kid's funds today and Monday, since he will be on vacation both days."

What the hell?!

I requested Monday off when last week and was denied! When did this kid sneak in his request, and why did you approve his request and not mine?!

And now I've got to cover his work? While he's on vacation? On Christmas Eve?

What the hell.

Overheard

My girlfriend spent last weekend with me at my apartment. We went out and got wasted Friday night at a bar downtown, then came home went to bed, and crashed.

So, the next morning, when I wake up she's already in the living room watching television, so I go right over to the kitchen and start cooking some eggs for breakfast. She turns around and puts her finger to her lips "shh" mouths "Mike" and points at the couch. So I lean over, and there's my old roommate passed out on the couch in his boxers.

I guess he couldn't make it back to his apartment so he used his old key and let himself into my place. And, you know, no big deal, right? We hadn't heard him come in last night, and better he crash here than try and drive home.

Anyway, I start to cook breakfast and she's watching tv, and then Mike wakes up, pokes his head over back of the couch, looks right at me over the stove, and - it's not Mike.

-What?

It's not Mike. It's some guy I've never seen before. He's looking right at me, completely confused, a little unnerved, and, eyes wide, he says "Where...the hell...am I?"

And Amy's sitting right there next to him on the couch and she's like "Who the hell are you!?"

Turns out it's some guy that's in town staying with my next door neighbors. He'd been out drinking late, and come in to my apartment instead of theirs - I guess Amy didn't shut the door completely behind her when we came in the night before, and he'd just come in, stripped down, and passed out on the couch.

-Whoa. Really?

Yeah, so I made him some eggs and he left.

Allegedly, the list of players named in the Mitchell Report on Steroid/HGH in MLB

I don't have any problem publishing this list. It was forwarded to me, through email, by a guy "who knows a guy, who knows a guy" in MLB. Or something.

Probably not a big deal, as I doubt I'm going to get significant traffic between the time I post this and the release of the actual report by Senator George Mitchell.

I forwarded it to Samantha and to my dad, because I figured they'd be interested.

Anyway, here's the list:

"Brady Anderson, Manny Alexander, Rick Ankiel, Jeff Bagwell, Barry Bonds, Aaron Boone, Rafaeil Bettancourt, Bret Boone, Milton Bradley, David Bell, Dante Bichette, Albert Belle, Paul Byrd, Wil Cordero, Ken Caminiti, Mike Cameron, Ramon Castro, Jose and Ozzie Canseco, Roger Clemens, Paxton Crawford, Wilson Delgado, Lenny Dykstra, Johnny Damon, Carl Everett, Kyle Farnsoworth, Ryan Franklin, Troy Glaus, Rich Garces, Jason Grimsley, Troy Glaus, Juan Gonzalez, Eric Gagne, Nomar Garciaparra, Jason Giambi, Jeremy Giambi,

Jose Guillen, Jay Gibbons, Juan Gonzalez, Clay Hensley, Jerry Hairston, Felix Heredia, Jr., Darren Holmes, Wally Joyner, Darryl Kile, Matt Lawton, Raul Mondesi, Mark McGwire, Guillermo Mota, Robert Machado, Damian Moss, Abraham Nunez, Trot Nixon, Jose Offerman, Andy Pettitte, Mark Prior, Neifi Perez, Rafael Palmiero, Albert Pujols, Brian Roberts, Juan Rincon, John Rocker

Pudge Rodriguez, Sammy Sosa, Scott Schoenweiis, David Segui, Alex Sanchez, Gary Sheffield, Miguel Tejada, Julian Tavarez,Fernando Tatis, Maurice Vaughn, IJason Varitek, Ismael Valdez, Matt Williams and Kerry Wood."

And for you confused readers, here is Samantha's response:

"I don't understand. what is it? some alphabetical list of baseball players?"


Turns out, an alphabetical list of players is exactly what my dad suggested:

"NO ASTERISKS NEEDED, EVERYONE WAS ON THE JUICE!"

-t

Good Writing.

Hey. All you college graduates.

You tried too hard.

Great effort, really, but as it turns out, you only needed to complete high school to read this blog.



But really, thanks for overshooting. Good optimism.

-t

test your own blog!

gAIMing

Hey! Gmail users! Google is finally going to start talking to AIM! No more only chatting with the four other people you know on googlechat, you can sign into AIM from gmail and get your whole buddy list!

I feel like I'm in an AT&T commercial from the eighties. Reach out and touch someone.

Well, I would if I could access gmail at work.

-t