Tips and Tricks for Accomplishing Your Own Dan Goldin Day Miracle

Things have been cleared for my Dan Goldin Day. I'm skipping out of work at noon tomorrow to go celebrate. I cleared it with Sandra, my new manager, by surreptisiously misleading her with the "Two Facts" trick (detailed below).


Tips and Tricks:

1. "I'm Sick" - This is a classic get-out-of-work-free card. If you're not familiar with it, this is the first one you should learn. For ameteur practitioners looking to move up from the "He called in, you know, "sick" today" level to the genuine "He didn't sound too good, I hope he can make it in Moday" level, remember that the most effective lie is the total lie. Give them the whole package. For managers, and people with brains, it's easy to see through the "cough while I'm on the phone" ploy - but, if you approach it like a role, you'll be well on your way to a five-day weekend: Think about exactly how you act when you're actually sick; hunch your shoulders; try not to move unless absolutely necessary; curl up, put on a jacket; think about wanting chicken soup but feeling too naseous to eat it - then make the phone call.

*Careful not to play the sick bit up too much, though, or you might accidentally convince yourself you feel terrible. Happened to me once, and I lost a week in Cabo huddled in the hotel room watching Criminal Intent reruns in Spanish.


2. Two Facts - This is for those folks who have qualms about lying to their boss. It capitalizes on trust and inference. It simply requires that you string two facts together and allow your boss's (no doubt, well placed) trust in you, and the natural human tendency toward inference to take over. This is the technique I used today:

I said. "I'm leaving work early tomorrow" and then said "I had to reschedule a dentist's appointment."

Strung together it's only natural to assume the reason I'm leaving work is to make it to my dentist appointment. It's not true. I'm leaving work because it's Dan Goldin Day.

I did, however, have to reschedule a dentist's appointment. It happened last May. I called the dentist and said "Can we move tomorrow's appointment from one o'clock to three o'clock? Thanks."

Both statements are absolutely true, so you're not actually lying. You're covered by your manager's assumptions.

3. "Pokey Died" - Pokey, in this case, being a pet gerbil. This method is also known in some circles as "Lie, lie, lie, lie, lie." It differes from the "I'm Sick" method in that this one requires no role playing. Pokey died, yes, and you need some time off to grieve for your poor twenty-seven year-old pet, but you're not going to carry that grief into work or make a big show.

The most important thing to remember when lying is this: Keep it simple.

Don't offer up any unnecessary details, don't offer any explanations, don't volulnteer any information.

That's not to say you shouldn't be prepared with a background story. Background is essential. But again, keep it simple.

The "We got him on my eighth birthday, he was the only thing that got me through the assassination attempt on President Roosevelt, I gave him a blood transfusion once..." excuse might not ring true if questioned, as gerbils can't get human blood transfusions, you don't know which Roosevelt administration you were supposedly alive for, and you never had an eighth birthday.

Saying "Bob and I are feeding the homeless this afternoon" will backfire if Bob's sitting right there and blurts out "You told me you were going golfing!" So in order to keep Bob from indignantly ladeling vegetable medley down at the soup kitchen you can either let him in on the lie, which I don't advocate, or, again, keep it simple.

Use things no one can dispute. "I have to leave tomorrow at noon..."Family trouble." also popular are:
"Personal problems."
"I'm an alcoholic." and
"I'm a robot."


4. "I think I'm in love with you" - Finally, and use this one sparingly, you can create an uncomfortable situation at work by becoming too personal with a fellow employee or manager. This works especially well on managers of the same sex, as you're calling in uncomfortable relationship issues and potentially uncomfortable social issues. When done correctly the manager will actually suggest themselves that you take the day off.

"Looks like you need some time off. Why don't you take tomorrow off and come back Monday with your head on straight - uh, I mean, 'normal'- ah- just take the day off!!"

*Note, don't try this with ugly managers that might reciprocate. That's dangerous.


-t