Opening Salvo

When you get into work in the morning I'd bet you've got a litany of tasks running through your head: Things To Do As Soon As I Get In To Work Today.

I'd bet most people come in thinking about projects they have to finish, or upcoming meetings they've got to prepare for, or sales calls they'll have to make. I'd bet most people are thinking about their morning work routine as they walk in, even if it's as simple as "make coffee so my boss doesn't get pissy, and check the voicemail."

I don't though. No thinking on the way into work. It's because I have no idea what I'm doing.

I spend the first hour everyday trying to figure out what it is I'm supposed to be thinking about doing. Once I've figured out what I'm supposed to think about doing, I think about doing it.

That's usually when I think something like "Wow, this another thing I was never trained on."

If my only responsibility was making coffee my morning might go something like this:


-Scene: TOM's office -

[TOM, sitting at his desk, alternately staring at gmail, google reader, and questingly around the office]

[BOSS appears at cubicle]

BOSS: "Tom. I need something to drink. Why don't I have something to drink?"
TOM: "What? Drink? ....Yeah."

[BOSS walks away]

[TOM, thinking] "Drink. Drink. What do you drink? Orange juice? Milk? Am I supposed to get orange juice in the mornings? Do we have a refrigerator?"

[INSOLENT BOB from his cubicle one row over]
INS. BOB: "Hey, Tom, are you going to, today? You didn't coffee?"
TOM: "What? Oh...coffee? Ok, right...?"

[TOM thinking] "Coffee. Right. Do we have a coffee maker? Am I supposed to buy some? Shit, I have no idea. How the hell do you make coffee?"

TOM: "Hey, Bob. I'm supposed to make coffee, right? How do I do that?
INS. BOB: "What? You don't know how to make coffee?"

[INS. BOB turns back to his work, ignores TOM]

TOM: "Right. I don't know how to make coffee. What am I supposed to do? What am I supposed to do first?"
INS. BOB: "Run the grounds in the coffee maker."
TOM: "What?"
INS. BOB: "The coffee maker. For making coffee. Take the coffee. And water."

[TOM thinking] "I'm sure this is a simple procedure. If you maybe, could just leave the cubicle for a minute you could come over and give me a little guidance, that would be very helpful."

TOM: "Bob. Where is the coffee maker?"
[INS. BOB does not respond]
"Where do we keep the coffee?"
[INS. BOB does not respond]
"Is there anything else I need?"
[INS. BOB does not respond]
Like filters? Where do we keep the filters?"
INS. BOB: "Don't worry about the filters now. I'll show you how to use them later on this week."
TOM: "We don't need the filters now? Really?"
INS. BOB: "You've never made coffee before?"

[TOM thinking] "No, I've never made coffee before. That was made very clear in my interview. I was hired to do a job, and they said I would be trained to do the job. I've never made coffee before, and you're supposed to train me!"

TOM: "No. I've never made coffee before. What do I do next?"
INS. BOB: "Go talk to the boss. Ask him if he knows where the filters are."

[TOM walks to BOSS's cubicle]
TOM: "Hey, boss, Bob told me to ask you where we keep the coffee filters. Any ideas?"
BOSS: "Oh. Hey. ...Yeah, um... I don't - I don't really make coffee, around here. So...
[BOSS clicks at some icons on his computer]
BOSS: "Um... Yeah, so I don't really know."
[TOM waits. Nothing more is forthcoming. TOM goes back to INS. BOB's cubicle]

TOM: "Bob?"
[INS.BOB 's voice, from kitchen]
INS. BOB: "I'm in here. In the kitchen.
[TOM thinking] "Why didn't anybody tell me this door leads to a kitchen?"
INS. BOB: "While you were talking to the boss I went ahead and made the coffee. So you're all set now, right? No problems? You'll be able to handle it from now on?"
[TOM, dumbfounded]
INS. BOB: "Ok. Remember, if you have any questions, just ask."

[TOM returns to his cube and opens blogger.com...]

-End scene-


Now imagine that happening every morning for six months. That's about where I am right now.

-t