This post is definitely NOT about embezzlement

I'll definitely start tagging entries if I'm ever invited over to blogger beta. (HELLO? BLOGGER? WHAT'S TAKING SO LONG?)

And most of my recent posts would be "insolent bob," "lazy manager," or "I hate my job."

Today though, it's "my dumb client."

**Important note to readers (esp Adina): the following may be confusing. I'd suggest muscling through it if you can, there are some nice jokes, but if you feel like skimming, just click here.

Here in the environment in which I work there are three main entities: The Client, The Broker, and The Accountants (i.e. my lame company).

Each of the three entities has a bank account at a major bank (banks like Bear Stearns, Morgan Stanley, Citibank, Chase Manhattan, Bank of America), it's where they keep their money.

Now it gets a little twisty here: In order to prevent The Client from embezzling funds from their own bank account, they give us control of the money. They put it in our bank. They say "Here. Take this big pile of money. And don't let us touch it."

They can't touch it, and we can't move it without their permission.

Actually, it works pretty well as a safeguard against embezzlement (unless we're in on it)(you know we're not, because I'm still working here, and not blogging from a lounge chair in the Caymans).

They send us a letter that says "Please cut a check for a bazillion dollars to be paid out to our tax lawyers." We read the note, call them on the phone, say "Did you send this note?" and if they say they did, we print up an instruction sheet, get a VP's signature, and fax it to the bank (their money, in our account) and then bank sends a bazillion dollars to the tax lawyers.

This is one of those things that I wasn't trained on - preparing "check requests" or "wires." There are a number of things involved, not the least of which is getting the bank account numbers straight. (use The Client's money in Our Account to pay The Broker fee into The Broker Account, not Our Money in Our Account to The Broker Account per The Client, nor The Broker money in the amount of The Broker fee into Our Account which we hold for The Client.)

Each half (or third) of the transaction has at least two distinct account numbers, a various number of signatures, and it's confusing for those of us who have never been trained (like you, the reader)(and me). I think I've got a good conceptual handle on it, but the devil's in the details.


And now that I've explained about the wires - and you're all as confused as I usually am, I'm going to tell today's story using an analogy:

Skimmers resume your reading:

Let's say it's the holidays (it is, how apt) and you're saving up to buy an Xbox 360 Premium Package for $400, and maybe a few games and an extra controller for about $200 for your boyfriend, who you consider to be the greatest boyfriend in the history of boy-on-girl action, ok?

You decide you're not responsible enough to hold on to $600.00 until it's time to buy the system, you'll blow it on chocolate or candy or pasta. So, you give the money to me. You say "Put this money in an account at the bank, we'll be co-account holders, so that I'll need both signatures to take this money out of the bank, and I won't be able to blow it on an impulse noodle bar splurge."

I'm a good friend, so I agree. Also I convince you to pay me fifty bucks for the favor. (That way I have a personal stake in it. Normally in this situation if you came to me and said "Remember that xbox money? I need it for noodles. Sign here." I would gladly sign there, because hey, it's your money, and you're not paying me to be your will power - but now with the fifty bucks, you are. See? It's a good system. (also, the Xbox 360 is a good system.).)

When the Xbox 360 goes on sale you'll come to me and say "I need my xbox money to buy an xbox, sign here." and I will, and you'll pay me fifty bucks. I'm happy, you're not broke, and your boyfriend gets a new gaming system.

Now, what if, during the time the money was in the bank, you decided to spend some money on lipstick (or, for you girl readers - purses), for your own use? The money you'd be spending would come out of your own pocket, and not this joint lockbox-xbox account.

Would you come to me, and say "Tom, I really need lipstick/a purse, can you write out a withdrawal form, double check that I have enough money in my personal account, send it to me so I can review it and sign it, then I'll fax it back to you and you can send it to the bank?"

Why would you do that? You want your lipstick, you have your personal account, just take the money you need and go buy your lipstick. I don't think bringing in a third party to review your balance and your request for money is a good idea, especially when that third party is in no way involved in the transaction. You're not paying me to guard your personal account, just your xbox account; you're not paying me for the lipstick; I'm not you, and I'm not the bank.

And yet, that is what The Client is asking for today. That we review their main bank account, where they keep their profits. Not the money we hold for them to prevent embezzlement, no, a whole separate, independent account.

"I'm going to send this to you, so you can send it back to me, so I can sign it, and send it back to you, so you can send it to the bank."

Dumb. Also, I'm pretty sure we're not getting paid for this. So I guess what I'm saying is: "Where's my fifty bucks?"

-t