Watching

I've received numerous (one) complaints regarding the previous post.
Calling the post lazy, boring, tedious, un-original, and slap-dash I have been instructed by multiple readers (two) to post something else "for the love of all that is holy I can't take that accordian anymore!")

So, to honor their request to knock the youtube accordian post off the top of the page, I'm replacing it with the following youtube videos which are, by turns, awesome, hilarious, enlightening, trivial, and watchable.

First up, for the history buffs! Winston Churchill's Great Declaration speech (re-mixed, what!?)


Next! More history! Martin Luther King Jr. and I Have A Dream (re-mix)


There are a bunch of these, including remixing cable pundits and the 2008 presidential and vice presidential debates.

Blame Mental Floss for turning me on to these guys. And for those anit-youtubers out there, take heart. My next post will probably not contain video.

Mostly.

-t

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Majorly FugueD

I love this piece of music (usually played on an organ). Kudos to Neatorama for finding the clip:



I've listened to it four times already this morning.
Check out the finger work @ 5:40

-t

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Over Overtime

-photo by Marcin Wichary

I've just received, through three layers of managerial strata, (three strata of management? managerial strata? Is layers of strata redundant?) a policy directive.

Please make sure you are taking and putting in for 30-45 minute lunch breaks. Our workday is scheduled to start at 9AM and salaries are based on a 36.25 hour work week (9AM-5PM, 45 minute lunch). Please make sure you take the allotted time for lunch. We've seen slower than usual trade volume, and overtime is something that is being closely scrutinized.

This was, by the way, received via Blind Carbon Copy (pop quiz: who thought the acronym for "carbon copy" would persist through the electronic age? bonus Al Gore joke: How is Al Gore using e-mail to save the planet?*)

So, receiving the memo via bcc I can assume a few things:
(1) I am not the only recipient
(2) I am not allowed to know the other recipients
(3) The other recipients are not to know me

Rhetorical question: If you had just been passed a note and were aware of the preceding statements regarding that note, would you, or would you not, conclude that you were involved in a criminal conspiracy?

YOU WOULD.

Or, at the very least, an international spy ring operating in enemy territory (everybody wave to the Chinese hackers who are right now copying blogger's source code).

You would not, in all probability, conclude that you were a valued member of a TEAM of PROFESSIONALS built to COOPERATE.

So, to...honor... this request, sent by some anonymous supervisor somewhere up the corporate ladder, and carefully stripped of all details of origin, I will (I know, I know, you're shocked) take a thirty-minute lunch break everyday.

I may take my book and head out to the park to read. I may wander around the city and enjoy the sunshine (or rain, as the case may be). I may sit at my desk staring blankly at my computer screen, catatonic.

Or, I might just take my lunch break at 4:30PM.

I haven't decided.
-t

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This is a test txt post. This is only a test. There should also have been a cool picture of a robot...but that's not going to happen.

Global Domination: Patrol and Descent

Science hasn't been keeping up with my plans for global domination, but, to keep all you minions in the loop, I've decided to post a few items I'm planning on incorporating into the design of my evil legions.

1. Armored Patrol Units

These exo-cycles will be outfitted with armor and offensive weaponry to patrol the exterior of my compound, jaywalkers beware.


2. Stairs

I'm also going to install these between each floor of my command center. Possibly in chrome (except in my personal apartment, it will be environmentally-friendly renewable wood.


-t

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Patronizing

I need a hobby, some outlet for my creative impulses.

Naturally, these impulses only hit me when I'm stuck at work, stuck without access to paint, sculpting clay, metal-working equipment, or any physical medium except Bic ink and white copy paper.

Which, as far as it goes, can still be transformed into art, but it usually takes more time, concentration, and studio space than I have the ability to devote since I am, still, stuck at work.

Lately I've been following a number of vinyl toy customizers on Twitter (like, squink, reactor88, and crisr). Naturally my inclination is to now get into the vinyl toy-modding scene. It probably wouldn't take up much room, there are plenty of nice, simple templates to work from, and the community is very vocal and supportive of one another.

It's also a great little outsider-art community because it hasn't been around long enough (hello, painting) to accumulate centuries of entitlement or exclusivity (there are no international universities dedicated to customizing Dunnies).

In lieu of a paint-covered workspace, then, I'm sitting in a cubicle with access to four colors of ink (three I brought from home), no time to explore artistic inspiration (when it strikes), and, worst(?), no way to exhibit the little I do doodle.

I don't have easy access to a scanner, and carting a week's worth of scrap paper scrawling home and digitizing each one has proved too laborious for my laziness to handle. So, no sketch blogs (one, two, three) either.

I'm not saying what I've accomplished (or what I haven't, actually) or what I could accomplish would necessarily be "high art" or even "average height art" (though my tastes don't run toward "low art") I'm only bemoaning the set of circumstances which prevent me from exploration and production of something I could be proud of.

So I'm stuck writing. Writing blog posts, actually. I still don't have the time to construct anything along a narrative arc, no story-telling beyond anecdotes.

Alas, not producing art pays the bills. Stupid Pilgrims.

-t

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To Sleep, Percha-FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!

The high-pitch wailing of the smoke alarm woke me from the first good night's slumber I'd been in the process of having in a good long while.

It was 3:39AM

The battery in the smoke alarm had, apparently, died, and the smoke alarm, lashing out blindly (deafeningly) for vengeance, blared its squealing peal to wake the dead and dead asleep alike.

I awoke completely stupored, baffled as to the source of what I am kindly describing as noise. The cellphone? No. The alarm clock? No. Auditory hallucination...mmmm...maybe? But, no.

I roused myself as best I could given the circumstances (it normally would take a few hours of wakefulness and a cup or two of coffee before I would willingly step into battle with such a sound), stumbled to the light switch and then stood, neck craned upward, eyelids still drooping heavily, contemplating this well-illuminated rest-ruining screaming plastic banshee.

The smoke alarm was just within the reach of my outstretched arms which I had raised in the hopes of striking at the smoke alarm's battery compartment, its power source, its brain. And strike it I did, with gusto, ripping the rectangular nine-volt battery from its cradle with a gleeful smile on my face, anticipatory joy for the return to slumber I expected.

Erroneously expected, that is. For, as I ripped the battery from this monstrosity of sound, this wailing warning signal, no relief was granted, no, instead, an echo began, released from the alarm's brethren, spread throughout the house, sensing a fellow cacophonous compatriot in dire straights, a call to aid (and ears) was sounded to alert any alarm in the vicinity, or indeed, any sonic sympathizers within range, of the horror ongoing now, at 3:45AM.

The battery, the battery was not enough. No, to slay this siren, now keening its final appeals, there must be another power source found and disabled, or else, its desire for a new battery appeased, before sleep would be granted.

And so I set to work, amid its klaxon clamor, to pry the offender from its ceiling perch, and pry again, the ties that bound the thing to call, its lifeline, the wailer's wire.

Once freed, it died, the soundless source at last, empty, silent, yet whole. A quarter hour more, it would have snapped. Instead, a sort of victory for sleep, interrupted though it was by this nonsense nocturnal notice its signal sounded last at 4:00AM

And heaven help the alarm clock this morning. I'm sleeping with a hammer under the pillow.

-t

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Al Gore Ruined The Economy...On Purpose

Al Gore ruined the economy! It was his master plan all along! The Oscar-winning documentary was just a distraction!

When the economy slows down, two things happen. First, less carbon is emitted. Nobody likes to say this in polite company, but a global economic near-depression is probably the single best "program" one could imagine for curtailing carbon emissions. Vehicle miles traveled are down in the United States in spite of significantly cheaper gas prices; industrial production has slowed; China and India are not increasing their carbon usage as fast as anticipated. (link)

Al Gore is a genius.

I'd still vote him into office even now, after he's tipped his hand on his ultimate plan for the economy:



The first rule about cap-and-tax laws is you do not talk about cap-and-tax laws in an election year!



-t

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Firewalled Again!

I caught an early train this morning so I would have plenty of time before work to review the teams competing in the NCAA tournament and then submit my bracket on espn.com.

So, at 8:45AM I started filling in the regions, (staying away from upsets) (I've got 3 1-seeds and a 2-seed in the finals)) and was ready to submit by 9:00AM.

I clicked "submit" AND THE CONFIRMATION PAGE WAS BLOCKED!

Kudos, I guess, to the IT department, for stringing me along for the entire deliberatory process only to shove the firewall in my face when I tried to make it official.

I will not, therefore, be participating in the espn bracket challenge, but I'll try to keep updates posted somewhere online.

Also, while we're talking about a firewall, can anyone offer an explanation why myspace, and facebook are blocked under the "dating and personals" rule but craigslist personals are freely available?

I can't check out pictures from my nephew's 1st St. Patrick's day on facebook, but I can pull this up in a full-screen browser (nsfw (my whole point, obv).

Corporate America, where Brackets are off limits, but Boobs are ok.

-t

Skip This Track

Pandora has ruined my iPod.

Not in any real tangible way, mind you, Pandora didn't up and jack my charger in the wrong way round, or induce a chemical reaction in the battery, but I can't skip songs anymore.

I mean, I can skip songs, I have the ability, the skip button still functions, but now, every time I reach over to jump past a song I don't care for this message flashes before my eyes, and my hand freezes:

Unfortunately our music licenses force us to limit the number of songs you may skip each hour. If you want to hear something else, try creating another station starting with a different artist or song.

Gah! I've been conditioned to listen to sub-par songs since Pandora is going to lock up anyway.

I've had to remind myself three times in the last hour alone that I'm listening to MY music on MY iPod and I can skip WHENEVER I WANT.

Stupid Pilgrims.

-t

Access Denied (Web-Based-Email)

Sometimes I sit at work and daydream about what it would be like to have a job that allows unfettered access to the internet. Then I start pricing Android phones.





-t

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Nerd Alert!

To: tom@work
From: Sam@home

---

Is it wrong that I just entered a sweepstakes to go to the premiere of the new Star Trek movie? And if so, is it more wrong that I referred you and 4 of my other friends to enter so that I would get an extra 5 entries into the contest?

woot star trek!
~Sam


What's the Klingon for "nerd?" Oh, nevermind, I'll just ask Sam...

-t

References

Still trying to narrow down the list of DJs for the big event. I went to craigslist to find someone local (and cheap). Here is one of the exchanges:

To: djmikey@djing.com
Subject: RE: Availability for 8/15/2009

---

Mike,

I hope you're still available for the 15th. I'm still trying to decide between a couple different DJs. Can you provide any references or testimonials from some of your clients?

Thanks,
Tom



To: tom@work
Subject: RE: Availability for 8/15/2009

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hi tom.

here are a few comments people have made.

Mike did a fabulous job at our wedding reception! We got many compliments on him and will definitely recommend him to anyone looking for a DJ. Thank you so much!
Sheri-ann
Ipswich, MA

Michael was amazing! The dance floor was packed all night and we got so many compliments on the music and how fun the wedding was. Michael was certainly the major player in creating the amazing atmosphere that night and for that we are truly thankful!
Natalie
Mendon, MA

hope these are what you are looking for.

call anytime

michael

And, not for nothing, but I'm pretty sure Mendon, MA is a made-up town name.

-t

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A The Funniest List About Comedians Ever

The Big Lead took a shot at a top ten comedy list over the last 20 years and missed badly. You can find their list and justifications by following this link, but a much better list (complied by yours, truly) is below.

(I, of course, welcome your critique and comments)

(Also, this is, I realize belatedly, restricted to American (check - North American) personalities, and will remain so, simply because I don't have the exposure (or langauges) necessary to rate European, Asian, African, Australian, or South American comics (plus, a lot of their material is messed up anyway)

(Also, as I wasn't comfortable throwing everybody into the same list I've recated categories, Oscar-style, which helped)

Variety/Sketch Comedians
John Steward slash The Daily Show writers
Stephen Colbert slash The Colbert Report writers
Tina Fey
David Letterman

Television Comedians
Matt Stone and Trey Parker
Steve Carrell (also nominated in the "bravest comedian" category)

Stand-up Comedians
Chris Rock
Jerry Seinfeld
Ellen DeGeneres
Stephen Wright
Nick Swardson

Megan Mooney (hon mention)
Jim Gaffigan (hon mention)

Movie:
Ethan and Joel Cohen
George Clooney (hon mention)

Omitted: The Arrested Development guys, Dimitri Martin (he's got time), Dave Chapelle (didn't crack the top three in his category), Will Ferrell (snub), Sandler, Myers,

Basically, if at any point I thought you had "the funniest show on television" you're on the list.

Bonus link Funniest Bit Ever

-t

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Jindal the NBC Page

For those of you, like me, who spent last night, not studiously listening to President Obama's speech and the GOP response by Govenor Jindal, but partying for Fat Tuesday and gorging on all those things you'll be giving up for Lent (Call of Duty) I'm here to inform you that you missed the Next Big Thing and you should be prepared to log on to Facebook immediately after reading this entry so you too can join a group and be on the cutting edge of this phenomenon:

Gov. Bobby Jindal is Kenneth the NBC page.

The Huffington Post has been kind enough to post comparative videos. You can really start to hear in in Jindal's story about his grandfather, just after the 1:20 mark.

Golly!

Who is this better for, and when can we expect Kenneth to host SNL by playing Jindal in the opening sketch?

-t

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Don't Bring A Licorice Whip To A Knife Fight

These rules for gunfighting (from kottke) are hilarious and awesome.

My favorite is #10, hands down:

10. Someday someone may kill you with your own gun, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty.

But there are lots of other good tips, like "The faster you finish the fight, the less shot you will get."

I've amended some of the rules for application to a number of other activities.


Pillowfight:
1. Forget about pajamas, sheets, and blankets. Bring a pillow. Preferably, bring at least two pillows. Bring all of your friends who have pillows. Bring four times the pillows you think you could ever need.


Eating Contest:
8. If you are not chewing, you should be swallowing, communicating, and running. Yell "Fire!" Why "Fire"? Cops will come with the Fire Department, sirens often scare off the sea gulls, or at least cause then to lose concentration and will.... and who is going to summon help if you yell "Hot Dog," "Ketchup" or "Worchestire?"


Porn Shoot:
6. If you can choose what to bring to a porn shoot, bring a semi or full-automatic long "gun" and a friend with a long "gun."


Raptor attack:
18. Watch their hands. Hands kill. Smiles, frowns and other facial expressions don't. Also watch their teeth. Teeth kill. Also, razor sharp foot claws kill.


Staring Contest:
26. Practice staring in the dark, with someone shouting at you, when out of breath, etc.


27. Regardless of whether justified of not, you will feel sad about staring at another human being. It is better to be sad than to be room temperature.


Living with OCD:
2. Anything worth cleaning is worth cleaning twice. Disinfectant is cheap - life is expensive. If you clean inside, a mop and bucket is your friend. Pine-Sol is cheap - funerals are expensive.


Spelling Bee:
24. Do not attend a spelling bee with a word in common usage, the number of syllables of which is not anything smaller than "4".


Making Out:
9. Accuracy is relative: most make out standards will be more dependent on "pucker factor" than the inherent accuracy of the tongue.


Debate:
3. The only thing worse than a drawl is a slow drawl.

7. In ten years nobody will remember the details of grammar, sentence structure, or speech impediments. They will only remember who lived.


Small Business Management:
25. Use a employee that works EVERY TIME. At a practice session, throw you employee into the mud, then make sure it still works. You can clean it later.


Bodyguard Carrying Contest:
16. Don't drop your guard.


Parent-Teacher Meeting:
21. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet if necessary, because they may want to kill you.


Any other suggestions for the gunfighting rules?

-t

Dumpster Diving

I'm reneging on my promise to stop complaining. I've got to rant, that's the whole reason this blog is here in the first place! To wit:

I've been assigned to the month end audit review team. This is not an enviable assignment, it is, in fact, an unenviable one. The audit review team's task, simply, is to review every single break across all aspects of each of the funds before the actual audit team performs their review.

This is exactly like tidying up before the maid comes to clean your apartment; except the funds aren't so much your apartment as they are the squalid dumpster in the alley behind your building.

It went down like this:
[ring, ring]
Hello, this is Tom
Will you be the contact for the audit team?
No
Well, you have to. And you're good at it. So you have to - the meeting's at two.
[click]


L-A-M-E.

Of course I'm good at it. I'm good at a lot of things. Mr. Clean is good at cleaning I doubt even he'd get excited about that back alley dumpster. Ability does not equal affinity.

I have been compelled into similar projects in the past. I have always resolved breaks at an above average rate. I have yet to see any substantial career gain.

And, since the economic meltdown has necessitated a salary and promotion freeze, I know for certain that the best possible outcome will be a hearty pat on the back from my immediate supervisor.

If I'm going to come out the other side of this being paid the same, having gained zero recognition within the firm, having moved not at all up the ladder, and, if it's all the same to you, I'd much rather spend the next month doing exactly what I've been doing which will net the same effect and avoid the entire back alley altogether.

Right?

-t

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See Things As They Are And Ask Why

I have a cold. As instructed by the best folk remedy, I am feeding it (mostly coffee). To distract myself from the sinus headache I am reading funny things online, like

This hilarious exchange.

Update: the link seems to be timing out, here's the google cache

Two observations: (1) I love science, and (2) Parenting is probably the most fun thing to do ever.

-t

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Hard Times At Ridgemont High

Even though my company stayed well away from the short-selling mortgage-backed system-wide bankruptcy we are still feeling the pinch.

While our capital and market holdings are safe, our projected income for the next few years is going to dwindle as more and more of our clients are affected. So they have instituted a number of cutbacks in order to save some money during these lean times, like:

(a) no pay raises until further notice
(b) no bonuses for 2009
(c) all printers have been reset to default to two-sided printing, cutting our paper consumption in half (this deserves its own mini-post)

But, solid as our savings and planning may be, some folks are still getting clipped, like Roberto, a supervisor on the other side of the floor. He got the axe yesterday afternoon after chronically poor performance reviews (as told by a gossiping manager, "a habitual under-performer").

He was fired yesterday afternoon because he rolled in at eleven and missed the 9AM meeting they'd called to fire him.

Firings during a recession wouldn't surprise anyone, someone up and quitting with no notice will come as a surprise.

No. Not me. I know you were all thinking that. I may love quitting, but I'm not crazy enough to quit with zero prospects in a tanking financial climate.

There was, however, someone that crazy on the night shift!

So we were called into an emergency meeting Monday and told that an irate employee quit the night team with no notice that day and they needed a volunteer to replace him for the next five weeks.

So I volunteered, it might make a nice change of pace.

Unfortunately, they haven't told me yet if I'm going to get it. There may be other volunteers, availability may be an issue, etc. I was supposed to find out yesterday afternoon (this is an emergency fill-in, after all), but, nothing.

Until this morning a girl from the cash team shows up, out of the blue, and sits down with one of our trade guys to "train" on the trade system.

Indications point to me not getting the night shift gig.

Which is a shame, new hours (11PM-7AM), an interesting new sleep schedule (maybe 8AM-12PM, 6PM-8PM?), a new team (full of transplanted Dubliners ready for befriending), and an excuse to drink at seven-thirty in the morning ("a hell of a day at work").

It would have been only for the next five weeks, so I'd get back to regular hours before getting the insomnia-induced madness ("Every time something good happens to me you say it's some kind of madness, or I'm drunk, or I ate too much candy!"). Or, if I flourished, I could request a permanent move to nocturnal hours (like Batman).

But now, like a Superbowl victory, it looks like it's not in the cards.

-t

P.S. to those of you looking for references to Fast Times At Ridgemont High, as indicated by the headline, there aren't any, I've never seen it, and therefore have no jokes.

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Just BE-CAUSE

When I was in fourth grade I decided to speak more intelligently. I had noticed that speaking in a Boston accent can sometimes make a person seem stupid. Un-educated.

So, from that realization, through high school and some of college, I did my best to minimize the soft r's and enunciate.

After graduation, however, I began falling back into the old speech patterns. I didn't give it much thought.

Until today, when I heard myself give an explanation for a trade variance that began with "cuz" instead of "because" - it wasn't even an abbreviated because ('cause), it was chopped all the way down to a "word" almost phonetically indistinguishable from "cud" (ew)! This is a place of business! Finance! Learned men and women think here! WE DO NOT WORK IN A BARN! And I thought to myself, "I sound like a jackass. Knock it off."

So I will. No more saying "cuz." or "S'an-thing" instead of "Is there anything." I'm sure there are more. It's disheartening, sometimes, but no longer...

ELOQUENCE IS BACK

-t

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Zur!

txting has become very important to me since I purchased a phone with QWERTY keypad. Quickly punching out respond-at-your-lesiure mobile-to-mobile queries is more valuable to me than email, IM, or voice.

No need to worry about interrupting someone with a voice call while they are earnestly trying to do something important (writing a blog post?); You don't have to worry about Ms Manners' email protocol, signatures, auto-inserts, or subject lines; and you don't need to worry about your recipient being "online" the txt hovers in the ether until they power up their phone.

No down side! Plus, they can't block it at work! (unlike gmail, AIM, facebook, etc etc)

And, if you're still stuck on a standard 1-9 alphabet layout T-9 txt entry can provide hilarious suggestions for your slang, in-jokes, and uncommon grammar.

I realize that, in the past, I may have belittled txting (I seem to remember a post written specifically to rail against the word "txting") but I'm writing now to let you all know that I have come around:

I <3 txting.


-t

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Conservation of Caffeine

I'm switching up from regular coffee to espresso-based drinks. I need the caffeine.

I don't plan on frequenting Starbucks, the waiting is interminable (and so are the customers!) and the prices are way too high.

I hope Dunkin' Donuts does a good latte.

The only other option, I think, is to get an ultra-caffeinated coffee option.

Where does the caffeine removed from de-caf go? Can't we find a way to re-insert that stimulant into the process? Is it just lost? Gone forever?

I'm going to apply for a grant from the NSF for the further study of my Law of Conservation of Caffeine. Like the Angular Momentum, or Energy, but for coffee. I imagine this will have some far-reaching ramifications.

De-caf, regular, Hi-caf coffees.

How much prize money comes with the Nobel Award?
-t

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Last Complaint For A While

I've been bored out of my mind for six months, at least.


You would think six months of boredom would resolve itself into imaginative blog posts. Lots of them. It's certainly what I would expect.

Unfortunately, for you, readers, this isn't your typical "There's nothing to doooo, I'm booooored" boredom. Instead it is the boredom associated with seemingly endless busy work.

I am responsible for completing activities that require little to no though at all, leaving my mind free to wander, and my typing fingers shackled to the keyboard. Forever.

Even my vaunted efficiency is no help, as there really is no end in sight.

Formerly (you remember hypermanager, and the stupid kid, right?), my days would start with an avalanche of busy work, an hour break near lunchtime, another hour of work, then nothing to do until quitting time. This left ample opportunities to consider, compose, and creatively format entries.

Later, I spent some time doing zero work for eight hours a day and getting paid. That was too much to take.

And now I don't have one minute's peace for eight hours a day, five days a week. Plenty of space in the cerebellum for imagination, wrestling of weighty social issues, hilarious puns; no time for typing.

These ideas, topics, without an outlet, bounce around in my brain, jumble, until they are no longer recognizable. The consequence, for you, is there is never anything new here.

However, I was recently asked what vice I would be giving up for Lent (a Catholic season of spiritual preparation for the celebratin of the Easter holiday), and have just decided to give up: whining.

In addition to giving up something negative, or self-indulgent, for Lent, it is also encouraged, to do more of something positive.

So I'm also going to post more. Maybe even every day.

Here's hoping practice improves my style.

-t

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Hakcers! Help!

Dear Internet,

I would like to leverage your collective intelligence/experience/deviousness to solve a problem:

The kid that sits behind me plays (sucky) pandora music all day through his computer speakers. I would like to disable the speakers without disabling playback through the headphone jack (so disabling the soundcard is out)

Any ideas? Any command line code I can input when he gets up for a glass of water?

Ideally something that won't be a trivial fix for him, (so "mute all" is out)

Thanks, Internet!

-t

PS someday I will learn to speak a language more advanced that html (which, is probably not a language anyway, and almost certainly not rigorous)

Reading

John's response to an entirely ordinary email:

Driuuuuuuuunbk can't readf thid omg

Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile A BAR.


-t

Reading

For the past seven years, [GEO600] has been looking for gravitational waves - ripples in space-time thrown off by super-dense astronomical objects such as neutron stars and black holes. GEO600 has not detected any gravitational waves so far, but it might inadvertently have made the most important discovery in physics for half a century. [link]

Fascinating article indicating our existence may be a three-dimensional holographic projection of interactions happening on the two-dimensional space that is the edge of the universe.

-t

[This inevitably led to ana fternoon spent perusing the New Scientist archives.]

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The Present Dead Are Hilarious

Emphasis mine:

Researchers from Durham University (queried, we believe) 200 non-smoking participants, taking into account their intake of tea, coffee, energy drinks, caffeine pills or coffee consumed on an average day as well as their propensity to see things that were not there, hear voices, and/or sense the presence of the dead.

[via gizmodo]

What they don't tell you is the present dead all sound exactly like Bruce Campbell.

-t

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Ariel vs. Bender

I think we can all agree that the awesomest classes of humanoids are ninjas, pirates, robots, and zombies. Age old questions, of course, follow these groups around the internet like rim shots after a bad joke. You may even be aware of the video game "Pirates vs. Ninjas Dodgeball"

So, I often ponder the very question, who would win in a fight?

But, I always seem to run into problems; One, the classic rock-paper-scissors circle, and, Two, the inclusivity problem.

The Inclusivity Problem can be phrased as a question: What if there is another category of awesome thing that can fight?

The primary example is, of course, aliens. Even restricting ourselves to simply humanoid aliens there are still an uncountable number to choose from (ALF, ET, the worm guys, Zim, Wookies, etc, etc) but each of them may possess some incredible power (Ben 10) useful in an offensive or defensive capacity.

And we could go on all day about aliens, but I am even more concerned with the rest of the categories. Who else are we forgetting?

Mutants? Mermaids? Playwrites? Cryptids? What sort of strange and magical battles could we be speculating on?

Consider, Shakespeare vs. Zombie; Yeti vs. Pirate; Robot vs. Mermaid (on land - in water?)

This is exactly why Celebrity Deathmatch should never have been taken off the air.

-t

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(A)Dressing Down

Christmas - A Summation:

One of the best gifts given or received this past Christmas was a book of puzzles by Frank Lewis (Cryptic Crosswords)

Every clue is a brain-teaser, each puzzle has almost sixty clues, based on wordplay, and the book has fifty puzzles, and, the best part, MOST OF THEM ARE PUNS.

Example: A count of the anit-Sandinista forces jokes, or, how Bach composed? (14)

A fourteen letter word that makes sense. Go. Let me know when you need a hint.

Other fun gifts:

A sampler pack of Tabasco brand pepper sauce. (Original, Mild, Habanero, Sweet & Spicy, Garlic, and Chipotle); Chicken Pox (among other giant microbes); and this kick-ass hooded sweatshirt.


New Year's Eve - A Summation:
Nashville is not all it's cracked up to be; mafia (a game designed to mimic criminal behavior and mob mentality) was ruined, ironically, by rule breaking; there was some delicious food; a painted whore of mythical proportions; and the largest collection of pretentious college kids I've seen since my time at BU.

Also margaritas and chauffeuring and loud, drunken, underage, hotel neighbor arguments at 3AM.

Suck it, 2009.

Resolutions - A Summation:

• Party more often in places that start with a "B" (like Boston, Birmingham, and Baltimore)


• Plan for retirement by purchasing stock in companies that share my economic, environmental, or philosophical precepts (Ted's Montanna Grille, Chipotle, Tesla Motors, Virtucon)


• Take my blogging inspiration from Sister Act II.


• Marry (in 2009)


• Keep the faith


• twitter more, and better


• add more T9 typing mishaps to my slang lexicon ("holy bras!" "zur" etc. (post coming soon))


• reduce my dependence on int-er-net memes.


• and support more things I enjoy online, like pandora, and wikipedia.org

-t

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Where To Find The Meaning Of Life

Wikipedia needs your help. Be honest, you use it ALL THE TIME. I do. And now they're running out of money.

Donate!

Wikipedia is never wrong.

-t

Plus, tax deductible (...probably).

Favorite wikipedia stuff:

• Browsing aerodynamics, especially Military and Experimental Aircraft which always leads to the Flying Bathtub


• Coconut Crabs, part of the fascinating Christmas Island ecosystem (red crabs, and the Yellow Crazy Ant)


• And, obviously, the Random Article feature

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All Wrapped Up

Promote holiday cheer and good gift wrapping techniques!




Those of you who, like me (and Biggie), are excellent wrappers won't need to follow this link - but for those of you who are terrible wrappers (Stephen) it will be well worth the look.

Though, for those of you who are very good wrappers, but only want to seem terrible (Van Winkle) you can go here to find gifts wrapped poorly by design.


Happy holidays!
-t

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Form Meets Function

Perfect!






This will fit very nicely in my headquarters villainous decor. Video conferencing with world leaders as I held their countries hostage from this chair would definitely add the air of menace that's been missing so far.

I've emailed the company to inquire about adding a remote-controlled laser cannon to the canopy. I'll keep you posted.


-t

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Reader Participation Week! [Post 1]

Quotes Game (via Eileen

(a) Post one quote from each of your 15 favorite movies.
(b) When a reader guesses the movie correctly, post their name and strike the quote.
(c) Memory/guesswork only.

---

01. I can be in the NBA. I'm tall, I like to wear shorts. Hook! Hook! Dunk! Dunk! Baby, I'm all about three points [Good Will Hunting] Eileen

02. Tell me about an ambush. I ambushed you with a cup of coffee! [Ronin] Hetherjw

03. Watch out, the yellow ones don't stop! [Elf] Eileen

04. Metaman, express elevator! Dynaguy, snagged on takeoff! Splashdown, sucked into a vortex! No capes! [The Incredibles] Laura

05. I believe it our fate to be here. It is our destiny. I believe this night holds for each and every one of us, the very meaning of our lives.

06. Three-two-six three-eight-two-seven!

07. Now when I created the World...

08. So you're telling me there's a chance! [Dumb and Dumber] Eileen

09. 'La ola es mia.' 'the wave is mine'...I spoke Spanish in my dream!

10. With friends like you who needs friends?

11. Why would a reviewer make the point of saying someone's *not* a genius? Do you especially think I'm *not* a genius? You didn't even have to think about it, did you?

12. Only when I cease to breathe will I be dead,

13. I may not make an honest buck, but I'm 100% American...

14. We were taxiing out to the runway, right? And we, you know, we kind of hit a moose. No, the moose is fine, but we gotta make sure that the plane's all right, so some of the boys are pushing it back so these guys can take a look at it. Patti, the moose is okay. He ran off. I saw it.

15. Now get back to the stands before I shave off half your mustache and shove it up your left nostril.

[Bonus quote: same movie as #15: "Those Yankees are real turds."]

---

-t

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A Really Long December

The kid behind me WILL NOT STOP with the radio playing. GET SOME HEADPHONES.

I have used up all my passive-aggressive plays, and I am sick of using my own headphones solely to block the early ninties soft rock streaming from his computer. Counting Crows haven't been relevant in a decade, and you really have to STOP tapping your desk in time with Ants Marching! Seriously. Pandora is great for listening to music you like. You know what else is great? KEEPING IT TO YOURSELF.


He did just get up from his desk without locking his computer...I'm going to disable his sound card.

-t

PS - welcome back to "I hate work" at blogspot.com

---

Achievers

I've noticed decreasing number of references to how much I hate work here, and an increasing number of references to video games. This is due to the fact that I spend most of my time at one or playing the other.

I should probably be (first person) shooting for a different audience.

Left the house t-shirt design @ © SplitReason.com

-t

---

After Week-Long DGD Hangover

I needed something to pick me up:
comics.com

Happy Thanksgiving Week, and welcome back. I'm trying to return to a semi-regular posting schedule, so start warming up those RSS readers.

-t

---

President Elect

My ideal election day would look like this:

After waking early and lining up for the opening of my local polling place, voting, and getting a sticker I would

Return home, NOT go to work, plunk down in front of my multiple monitor setup:

(1) television hooked up to my xbox for playing Call of Duty 4 and discussing polling results and pundit predictions with others online (while "fragging n00bs")

(1) television set to automatically skip from MSNBC to CNN to CSPAN every five to seven minutes (with the top-of-the-hour check on Fox News)

(1) computer running multiple tabs including but not limited to fivethirtyeight.com, youtube, google reader, and some news aggregate site, let's say Yahoo.

Also, there would be snacks.

Then, near 6 o'clock, when the projections and predictions start rolling in for real, I would tune each monitor to a different network, run them all simultaneously and cheer/boo every result as it is announced.

And, snacks.

-t

DAMMIT

They've re-blocked gmail. I hate the IT department.

-t

---

I, For One, Welcome Our New Google Overlords

Two points to make regarding Google

(1) YouTube is now the second largest search engine in the world, surpassing Yahoo (finally, man, the only thing Yahoo seems to have left is sports (which is still top notch!)).

and
(2) Google just updated their iGoogle hompeage, including the gmail widget so that now I HAVE FULL ACCESS TO GMAIL FROM WITHIN THE GOOGLE HOMEPAGE!

Which is totally wicked.

Previously, google (helpfully) displayed the number of unread messages in the inbox and displayed the senders and subject line of the most recent 10 emails received.

NOW I HAVE FULL ACCESS!

Which is great, since gmail.com itself is still blocked at work.
I am going to enjoy this until the IT department figures out a way to block it.

Way to go Google.

-t

---

Axel F.

Suck it, Verizon software!

I've been trying for a while to set custom ringtones on my cell phone. This weekend, I finally got it.

The construction of the custom tone is a piece of cake. Take any mp3 file, upload to an audio editing program, chop it down to the bits you like, add echo, fade in, fade out, whatever you like, save it, transfer it via bluetooth to the phone and then...

Then it gets sticky. Verizon phones ship with crippled software. I can save the bluetooth transfer to my phone under "My Sounds" and play it whenever I want. I cannot, however, set it as a ringtone from the "My Sounds" section of the phone, no, the only way to get a new ringtone is to purchase and download over the air.

Until I figured out the workaround, that is.

Which is, actually, very simple. So simple, in fact, that Verizon really should just let me add the ringtone from My Sounds. All I need to do is select my sound, then send it to myself as an attachment to a text message.

When the txt arrives, it gives me the option to set the sound as a ringtone.

It's this whole other, entirely redundant step, built into the software. I have to send the file to my phone via bluetooth from the computer, then, send it to my phone via txt from my own phone.

Seems a bit ridiculous.

But now I've finally got the Beverly Hills Cop Theme playing for all incoming calls, and I couldn't be happier about it.

-t

PS - Did you know Beverly Hills Cop was the second highest grossing movie in 1984? The first was Ghostbusters. Two SNL alum movies in first and second place at the box office! SNL, how far you've fallen.

---

Live-Blogging The Financial Crash

Ok, this is the greatest thing ever. Live-blogging a sporting or television event is one thing (omg! episode two of season three of dancing with the starz, omg!)

But live-blogging the floundering stock market? Awesome.

2:45 p.m. | The Crash of 2008: If the S.&P. 500 closes where it is now, (1009.07, down 8% for the day) it will have lost more than 13% over the past three sessions.

The only other time declines of that magnitude occurred since World War II was in the crash of 1987. Prior to that, the last one was in May 1940, when France fell to Germany.

-Floyd Norris

-

---

Inventing an Industry

Henry Ford basically invented an industry out of nowhere. Before Ford, the auto industry didn't exist.

Now consider this: If you were going to buy a car, and you had the choice of two models, identical in every facet (style, shape, color, features, AWD, brakes, warranty, price, range etc etc) save the motor, which would you choose? The electric, or the gasoline-powered internal combustion engine?

Two Corvettes, one gas, one electric. Same torque, acceleration, top speed, etc etc.

Two H2's, one gas, one electric.

Two Civics, one gas, one electric.

All other things being equal, wouldn't you choose the electric car? Cheaper to charge a battery than fill a gas tank, right? Who wouldn't pick the electric car? Purely an economic decision, and as a bonus, reduces carbon emissions.

If one, just one, auto company had started researching electric power twenty years ago, and today released a full line of totally electric cars, wouldn't they wipe out the competition?

If Chevy unveiled an electric SUV, sports car, sedan, coupe, economy, mid-size, full-size truck, van, minivan, and motorcycle wouldn't they clean up? They would have a virtual monopoly on the electric powered world. Name brand charge stations would pop up all over the place to replace gas stations.

Instead, the car companies have focussed on bringing us bigger, faster, louder, more expensive versions of their gas-powered engines.

It's a missed opportunity to make mountains of money, and it still baffles me. Why didn't they do it?

Seriously, I'm asking. Is there a good explanation?

-t

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Everyone In The World Is Perfect

Artist Mike Mitchell found a box on his doorstep. Inside was a note and an improbable object from Mitchell's past

As one of my photographer friends, Brett Littlehales, pointed out later, it was even amazing that the tape had lasted for 45 years. He also observed in a typically exuberant way, "the chances of this happening are...are...like winning the lottery...no!...no!...more like winning the cosmic lottery!"

via kottke

---

The Inventor Of Carbon-Copies Should Be Punished

Here's a snippy email thread that bounced back and forth today between our new settlements group and the international Vienna team. I am, as usual, caught in the crossfire. Instead of pasting in all the email subjects, headers, signatures, etc, I'm going to parse it for you as a bitchy conversation between coworkers:

Matt: Hi, going forward, can you please email myself and Susan anytime the books are opened so we can avoid booking entries to a prior accounting period? Thanks.

Vance (Vienna): I don't really understand your request. Opening the accounting period is Tom's responsibility, we don't open or close. Can you clarify?

Matt: Vance, this was directed at both you and Tom. If you request the books be opened I just wanted to make sure Susan and I were also on the email so we are aware of it.

Vance: In that case isn't it possible to put your email addresses on the master mailing list?

Matt: No, I don't want to get all of the email concerning every fund in the bank. We only need a heads up if these two funds are being opened.

Vance: And what about setting up a rule in that mailbox to forward all the emails to you in which the subject references these funds, or any coming from my Vienna team? I would like to avoid cc-ing one hundred people in every email. It is so easy to forget someone...

Matt: Fine. I will just have the trades team notify us. Tom, can you please make sure to let us know if the books are opened? Thanks.

Vance: Thanks for that.

TXT

When I flip open my phone and start punching keys a new text message automatically pops up. Instant composition.

My computer does not do the same thing. This has led to a lot of wrong, incorrect, and bad keystrokes.

I just booked a trade for "What are you doing later on tonight?" number of shares.

-t

---

Books I Love To Hate And The People That Love Them

GAH. My manager and the new girl are talking about books they love.

"What was it? Five People You Meet In Heaven! Yeah, I love that."

"Yep, that was good."

"But nothing beats Tuesdays With Morrie."

Augh. The left side of brain my just shut down. I'm typing with my left hand now. Induced stroke. Are my ears bleeding?

"And OH! The DaVinci Code! Remember that one! I'll have to bring in some books for you to borrow."

Help help help help...Whew. Ok, I found my headphones. Can't hear them anymore. Wow that was close.

Oh, also, has anyone read Infinite Jest? Opinions?

-t

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DeSean Jackson Is A Dope

I wanted to knock that depressing post off the top of the page. Instead, I'm substituting this post, which should only depress Philadelphia Eagles fans (or anyone who picked Donovan McNabb for their fantasy squad).

Last night McNabb hit Eagles receiver DeSean Jackson for a 40-yard TD, except Jackson started his celebration early, dropping the ball on the one yard line. By rule, the play ended before possession changed, the Eagles ran it in and got the seven points, but McNabb didn't get the credit for the touchdown, and Eagles fans are all smacking their heads in incredulity.

Unfortunately, the video isn't up yet, however, there is "this video showing a similar gaffe he made in the Army All-American bowl.

-t

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This Weekend In Review -or- The World Is Falling Apart But It's Cool, Because I Think I've Got Some Duct Tape Around Here Somewhere

I was away this weekend at a wedding (Congrats, Dave & Penny!) and so missed most of the big news as it was happening. For any of you similarly in the dark, here's a recap, and we'll start with the lighter stuff:

• Brewers Bad At Baseball:
  The Brew Crew lost both halves of a double-header in Philadelphia, meanwhile, in their home park a displaced Cubs-Astros game was happening (Astros playing "at home" since hurricane Zebulon (what letter are we on now?) forced them out of Texas) and at the game Cubs ace Victorino Zambrano, and Milwaukee nemesis (coming off two weeks rest for a sore shoulder) threw a no hitter. Tough to lose away, and watch the rivals win at your home. Tougher still they haven't yet replaced the giant beer mug in center field.




• Palin Fodder:
  Tina Fey returned to SNL's season premiere to play Alaskan govenor and VP hopeful Sarah Palin. The sketch, by all accounts, was hilarious (called by one entertainment blogger "The funniest thing ever presented by Lorne Michaels productions"). My worry? Fey's interpretation of Palin will become so beloved by the populace folks will vote the Alaskan in so we can see more sketches. (Don't discount it! People like Will Ferrel's George W. Bush way more than Darrell Hammond's portrayal of Gore - SNL as political bellwether)



• Landmark Financial Institutions Fold!:
  From the WSJ:

  The American financial system was shaken to its core on Sunday. Lehman Brothers Holdings Inc. filed for bankruptcy protection, and Merrill Lynch & Co. agreed to be sold to Bank of America Corp.link

  It started with the collapse of the mortgage industry, and there are fewer and fewer options left for the big firms. Shares tank, brokers bankrupt, good news, though, I sold short on Simpson News Syndicate and made a killing.



• Journalistic Integrity Fouled By Crazy-Ass Photog:
  Jill Greenberg, photographer to the stars (manipulator.com) shot a cover of Senator John McCain for Atlantic Monthly but, disregarding protocol (and possibly her contract with Atlantic) she kept the outtakes indecentized them. Really. The controversial photos, and some analysis here.





• Some Good News:
  The Large Hadron Collider is practically guaranteed not to create a planet-swallowing black hole and end life as we know it in this solar system.

Braid: Best Official Walkthrough Ever

The artwork and story have been praised for the whimsical visual style, haunting
score, and perception-bending effect on the player.

I tried the demo. I'd say I'm familiar with the side-scrolling platformer mileu.

But then I visited the developer's page, and I am going to buy this game based solely on the official walkthrough. (It's a relatively quick read, don't worry, you can take a look:Braid walkthrough)

Best walkthrough ever man.

-t

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Dan Goldin Day Reminder

Dan Goldin Day is night upon us! Mark your calendars!

November 17th (as if you'd forgotten)

*Bonus* This year DGD falls on a Monday! Three day weekend!


-t

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*Footnote* DGD is always observed on the closest Monday or Friday in order to maximize three-day weekends.

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It Takes Twice That Just To Get Me Out Of Bed In The Morning...

As those of you who are regular readers (probably in the billions by now, as I'm no longer firewalled in China) know, I occassionally write a bit about the Red Sox.

It's certainly no regular feature, but I am a fan of baseball, and Boston sports in general, and do take the opportunity, from time to time, to comment on the current sports scene.

Well, turns out, WEEI, a local Boston sports radio station, is looking for bloggers at the new weei.com to do just that. In fact, they have decided to hold a contest.

So let me tell you why I will not be participating:

(1) The required 500 word entry isn't long enough to encompass the typical blogger's ramblings (see joeposnanski.com)

(2) They get the rights to the winner's content, because the winner will be hired to blog for a year on weei.com

(3) and be paid $5,000.

$5,000? Five grand? That's barely pocket money!

And I know, I know, you're thinking "Hey, if I were a blogger who regularly commented on the Boston sports scene for free, why wouldn't I want to upgrade to a nice $5K paycheck?"

I'll tell you why: Because it's peanuts. You could hire Jerry Seinfeld to blog for maybe a week with that $5,000. And my Red Sox commentary is worth at least Seinfeld money.

Yes, I realize Seinfeld's a comedian, but most bloggers are (trying to be) comedians too! Funny sells! Funny does not sell out. Not for a measly five grand.

Hell, that's not even enough for a hood ornament on one of these bad boys.

Other bloggers are with me on the boycott of the contest (for different, more defeatist, reasons) at Sox and Dawgs

You Can't Spell Courtesy Without Curt

I was quietly asked to step into the conference room this morning to meet with my supervisor.

One glance at the troubled look on his face and I guessed immediately that the discussion might center around a sarcastic reply I'd sent in response to an email from one of the girls on the tax team.

The original email went something like "The client wants us to check on this, please check on this and get back to me," and the email was, as per the custom here, cc-ed to basically everyone, including her supervisor, my supervisor, and the head of the division.

In a joking and sarcastic manner, which I truly believed was in character with the working relationship I have with this particular member of the tax team, and not in any way mean-spirited, but one-hundred percent in jest, I replied to her email with "Actually, as this is a tax request, and tax is your job, please do your job."

Which, as I said, I believed to be well within the established framework of office joking and good-natured ribbing that I had established with the tax team.

I did, please note, NOT reply-to-all and cc the whole freaking company, which is a crucial point that this member of the tax team overlooked.

Because she assumed that I had copied everyone on the email in my response, basically critcizing her professionalism, work-ethic, and ability, she responded to my response, cc-ing everyone with a curt response which included a cut-and-pasted excerpt of my job description as it pertains to client tax requests.

So, as I was called into the conference room I had an inkling of where this conversation was headed.


"Tom," my supervisor began, "I wanted to talk to you because, well, someone...higher up...pulled me aside and mentioned that someone on the tax team had become a little, upset, about something... Do you know what I'm talking about?"

You mean the email I sent to the tax team. I was actually planning on walking down there later today and talking to her about that. I don't think she realized my response was direct to her, not to the whole company.

"Right, yeah, well. I think, it, well, it would probably be good to realize that, if you think you sound a certain way in an email, that maybe some people might not take it the way you mean it, and that can be... less than constructive to building bridges between teams...and for your own business relationships. Do you know what I mean?"

You want me to be nicer. Got it. Is it just the email, or has this come up before?

"It's just that your manner... Look, I know it can be frustrating - believe me I know - there are sometimes, like with the international team in Vienna, they can be a little demanding, they call all the time, there are sometimes where I just want to fire off an email and really let 'em have it, you know? But - but, you have to take a deep breath, and be a little more... Maybe don't think about correcting them, even when it's clearly their fault, but instead, trying to accomodate and respond with something that will be better for building a connection with them.

"I understand your manner can be a little...curt, at times. The way you work, technically you're very strong. You know the software, you've gotten to know the funds and the glitches that can come up, and how to deal with them, or prevent them, which is great. But, your, building relationships...maybe can use a little work. Sometimes, like, maybe with the people you train, your manner might seem a little....rude. And I know you just want to get the job done, but like I said, the way you behave might not be taken the same way by the other person. Ok? That was all I wanted to mention."

So.

Be nicer. I have decided to embrace this idea of niceness, and in that vein, I have updated my email auto-signature from "Thanks-comma" to read instead, "Thanks-exclamation-point" and that should make the difference.


Thanks!
Tom

---

Reading Writing About Writing

Alternate Title: Latin Is Dead, Alivey English!

Today on boston.com Erin McKean takes critics of the English language to task. In a nutshell: Embrace English evolution.

...if all these words look wordish, sound wordish, and act wordish, why are they all hedged about with the namby-pamby "I know it's not a real word" disclaimers? (Note: wordish is a perfectly good word.)

They shouldn't be, I agree. I make up words all the time, right here.

Like, "besotted," or "interrobang."


It's a clever little op/ed and I found the payoff right here:

Whenever I see "not a real word" used to stigmatize what is (usually) a perfectly cromulent word, I wonder why the writer felt the need to hang a big sign reading "I am not confident about my writing" on it.

-t

Overheard:

Leaving work yesterday
Woman on cell phone (whiny, contempt-y): "You probably shouldn't be there... Because it would be uncomfortable for me, it would be uncomfortable for John, and, potentially, uncomfortable for you - except, maybe not, because you 'aren't ever uncomfortable,' and you're not 'bothered by circumstance'..."

Walking home from the train
Guy outside a laundromat on his cell phone (matter-of-factly): "No, no, black. Like, priest black. With that collar thing. A little white collar..."

Bear: "Um...that's probably trouble."

---

Agony Of Defeat

This should replace the pinwheeling skier on the opening credits of Wide World of Sports



Yeah. Take a good look. That used to be his elbow.

World class competition, world class hurt.
-t

---

Impulse Control

If you have a problem controlling impulse spending, especially for $0.99 purchases, like songs from iTunes and Amazon's mp3 store, do not, I cannot stress this enough, DO NOT visit pandora.com and enter an artist you like.

Because Pandora will start playing other songs that you will like. And you will like them. And then you will buy them. All of them.

They even let you bookmark songs so you can easily keep track of what you haven't purchased yet.

Gah.

Clearly This Problem Has Been Resolved

Internet is down at work.

Official IT response" "We are aware of the problem and will communicate with you when the issue has been resolved. No ETA."

We can't even kill time.

-t

*UPDATE*

---

To: Eblake@cashteam
Subject: Net Outage

Have you guys lost the internet? We've got intranet access but can't get to the web. I'm wondering if it's company wide or if they're finally on to me.

-t

To: tom@work
Subject: Re: Net Outage

It's just you - I can see this:

---

Hey Is For Horses

Email thread!

To: Mike@supervisor
From: Buddy
cc: Tom
Subject: Hey

---

Hey,
I have a control alert on one of my portfolios. Could you check this out when you get a minute. Thanks

---

Mike's reply:


To: Buddy
From: Mike@supervisor
cc: Tom
Subject: Hey

---

This is all set now.
Also- I'm more likely to notice and respond to e-mails that don't have subject "Hey" FYI.

Thanks,
Mike

---

-t

---

Staph-ing Problems

"I could use another coffee."
      -Buddy

This is how it started. "I could use another cup of coffee."

He couldn't use another cup of coffee. His cup of iced coffee was sitting on my desk, my desk, still half full. But, I had said "Ok, I'm going to go get a coffee now" meaning, of course, "I can't take this anymore. I have to get out. I need air!"

"This" is day one of buddy training.

It wasn't an invitation, I was trying to be nice, and I chose coffee as a convenient excuse because I knew he didn't need any more coffee - but Buddy invited himself along anyway.

Fine.

I've been holding back all day. I have been keeping the conversation on point: Training oriented jargon; Lots of acronyms. I have not recounted funny anecdotes from my vacation. I have not made small talk. Just the facts.

So we're standing in the elevator lobby, not saying anything, and Buddy, just to be saying something, I guess, says

"I had surgery this weekend...I actually got a staph infection. It's the kind you only get in hosptials."

[Pause]

"It's resistant to like 90% of medicine, so they gave me two antibiotics to take and the it's been making me feel really sick the past few days."


So, your slimy staph-infected surgery wound wants to come with me to Dunkin' Donuts? I don't think so, Buddy. I'm going to to CVS for some hand sanitizer, stat.

-t

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Softball Wrap-Up

I believe Blogger dropped my last wrap-up post, apologies if you're reading this twice.

We lost our last game of the season (got smoked, actually), but overall were very encouraged by our improvement as a team.

I finished the season with a .625 batting average (up from .500 last year) and with three doubles and a triple, an OPS of 1.418.

I think, if the roster stays pretty much the same all we'd need to do to push us over the hump and into the playoffs is add one really good bat. I'm going to draft an email to Barry Bonds' agent - he's looking for something to do, right?

-t

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Buddy Coach -or- How The Hell Did I Get Roped Into This

This Buddy Coach thing is dumb. Duh-umb.

And I don't mind telling you this after spending only about an hour and fifteen minutes (total) with my "buddy" (note the quotation marks) over the last five days.

First, an hour for small talk and get-to-know-you chit-chat over watered-down coffee and stale pastry last Friday (handily scheduled on the busiest day of the month for processing) that could have been handled, no problem, in fifteen minutes, or, if you include name tags, three minutes.

After covering what floor our team is on and what time to show up for work he proceeded with the small talk.

I hate small talk.

"So," my "buddy" says, unprompted, "I'm originally from Salisbury, Massachusetts."

Ok, I think to myself, as I sip from my lukewarm cup of coffee, you were born local, moved away, I can probably have the rest of this conversation in my head.

"Do you know Salisbury? Near Ipswich? So, anyway, I'm originally from Salisbury, but I moved to Newburyport."

Cripes! Newburyport? FROM SALISBURY? You know how he said it? He said it like "I was born in New York, but at sixteen I really felt like I needed to see the world, so I jumped on a steamer to Bombay and backpacked across the Indian subcontinent." Newburyport is FIVE MILES from Salisbury! Wait, wait, let me google map this... TWO POINT FOUR MILES


View Larger Map

This is, mind you, five minutes after meeting this kid for the first time.

"But I'm thinking about moving closer to the city, like, Gloucester, maybe. So I'm only forty-five minutes from Boston."

Whoa. Hang on there buddy. You have just blown my mind. You're talking about expanding your little circle of habitation to a whopping seven-mile radius? You're really seeing the world.

I hate training. I didn't volunteer for this. I stopped babysitting when I stopped needing pocket money for baseball cards.

This kid is supposed to sit with me for another four hours Friday afternoon. Luckily, I'll be taking a half day to fly to Alabama.

Wow, I'm looking forward to going to Alabama in the middle of July.

Basically, I'd rather die from heat stroke than sit with this kid. I guess that antipathy is a good sign for you blog readers.

-t

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My Buddy And Me

Buddy Coach Meeting

Hello All,

Congratulations on being selected to be a Buddy Coach for a 2008 Summer Orientee! Attached, you will find the Orientee agenda, a Buddy Coach checklist and an article on the Buddy Coach System. Please bring all three of these to our meeting.

[attach: buddysystem.doc; buddychecklist.pdf; Julart.doc]



What's going on here? Did I sign up to participate in the buddy program? Did I even know the buddy program existed? Is the company afraid their newly-hired college graduates are going to accidentally fall out of the canoe?


We are asking for all of the Buddy Coaches to attend a quick 15 minute meeting on Monday to explain the following:

-your role
-your Supervisor's role
-the agenda
-Day 4 (all day), Day 6 (afternoon) and Day 11 (afternoon) on the agenda. HAVE A PLAN.
-answer any questions or concerns you may have.

Thank you for your cooperation and continued support with the Onboarding to Excellence Program, please be prompt.


My role? In the buddy system? "Hold hands with your buddy and make sure he doesn't drown or get lost on the elevator" Really?

A small excerpt from the FOUR PAGE cover letter:


The Making of a Good Buddy

The most appropriate buddy would:
(1) want to be a buddy
(2) be proud of the organization
(3) be well-regarded and accepted by other employees
(4) be a positive role model
(5) be of compatible age, education, temperment, etc, with the new employee
(6) be employed by the organization less than one year
(7) have patience


Based on the above criteria - base on, in fact, the FIRST of the above criteria, I would not make a good buddy, as I certainly do NOT want to be a buddy.

I also have some problems with meeting criteria 2 (not proud),6 (over a year), and 7 (zero patience); and additionally, (5), how the hell am I supposed to know if my age/education/temperment is compatible before I've me the orientee?


At minimum, the buddy should:
(1) Show the orientee around and introduce them to others
(2) Show them where to get equipment and supplies
(3) Go to lunch together the first few days
(4) Provide an open atmosphere for questions
(5) Offer encouragement


I've only got two problems with this list. (1) I don't know anyone's name. I don't care to learn them. I'm not even going to learn the name of my buddy. And, (3) I don't eat lunch when I'm at work. I get a cup of coffee in the morning, and that's it, I work through closing. I don't have time to take lunch, I certainly don't have time to take somebody else to lunch. And if they really wanted us to eat outside the building and get to know each other they could give me a company card, at least, right? I might make time if lunch was already paid for.


The buddy is a resource for questions beyond the org-chart: Whom should I watch out for? What are the potential land mines? What are the "sacred cows"? Where is the nearest restroom? What issues are not questioned in this organizational culture?


Potential land mines? Asking me about "sacred cows." Whom to watch out for? Me. I'm the guy to watch out for. Ask me about 'questioning issues in this organizational culture,' and then try finding a restroom with your nose cupped in your hands to keep blood from dripping on your first-day-of-work outfit.

I didn't ask for this. I'm resigning as buddy coach. A pre-emptory retirement.


Remember, a buddy is the new employee's first workplace friend!


Fuck that noise.

-t

I Did It! One Thousand Posts!

Celebrate! I am now the proud author of one thousand posts! Woo!

I had planned an elaborate party with streamers, noise-makers, some animated .gifs, but that's a lot of work, and we all know, that's just not my style.

Speaking of work. I thought it would be fun to kick of the next thousand posts with a small rant about a dumb office policy.

Stay tuned.

-t

1000

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Getting Away From It All In The Midwest

The most depressing thing I've ever learned about Wisconsin:

When Wisconsinites vacation, they go to Iowa.

-t

2

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SauvignYoouuk Blanc (Red Sox Wine)

Last night was our company outing. Almost exactly like last year's. This time, though, in addition to the batting cages, booths for henna tatoos, caricatures, psychic readings, and green-screen photographs, they had a wine bar. There had to be sixty bottles of wine opened and waiting for us. They were serving the wine in the giant red cups you find at beruit tournaments, full.

But, nobody was drinking any wine, since, after all, it's ballpark themed, there are burgers, hot dogs, fries, cheeseburgers, and giant pretzels everywhere, and free beer; people were drinking the beer. Not the wine.

So, at the end of the night at last call, when there were still fifty open bottles of wine sitting full on the table of the wine station, I asked for one. Bottle.

"Hey, excuse me," I called over the ridiculously loud DJed music, "can I get a bottle?"
"A bottle?"
"Yes."
"Um...empty, or full?"

Hmm.

"Full."

So he gave me one. Sweet, right?


Anyway, I was pretty drunk on free beer at that point of the night so I'm not really sure what happened to the full bottle of chardonay I was carrying. I know I didn't bring it home on the train, and I had some difficulties sneaking it into the after-party bar. But the point wasn't to drink it, it was to ask for it in the first place.

-t

3

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RRoD - F#@K!!

This is the Red Ring of Death:



It has its very own wikipedia page.

To save you some time, the basic gist is this:

To save money, Microsoft decided to manufacture their own graphics chips rather than contract the job to a graphic chip company.

The Microsoft chips, turns out, sucked. They overheated and fried the motherboard. The indicator is, you got it, the three flashing red lights, RRoD.

Consumers were pissed. So, Microsoft, to their credit, decided to comp the repair costs, refurb console, gratis. They also decided to start contracting out for graphics chips.

I've been pretty lucky, so far. The consoles were failing at something like 17% (acceptable levels are normally near 1-2%) and I've had my system for a while.

Well, today, after work, as I was sitting down to play a few rounds of Call of Duty 4
RRoD

And boy, did that suck.

I called the repair hotline, they walked me through some troubleshooting steps, took my information, and will be shipping me a prepaid box in a few days.

So, I guess I'll have some time to catch up on my reading. Or Red Sox watching. Or I could just play more Super Mario Galaxy.


-t

4

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Troublemaker

I'd like to interrupt this countdown to my millenial post and take a moment to promote the new Weezer album.

It's pretty awesome. If you're a Weezer fan I can heartily recommend the Red Album because it's more Blue Album and Pinkerton than it is Maladroit and Make Believe.

Certainly more mature than the two previous self-titled discs (the Blue and Green albums) with a hint of the angsty lyrics of Make Believe, the Red Album does manage to keep the music much more upbeat and brighter than the bands two most recent releases (more like the radio friendly "Beverly Hills" and "We Are All On Drugs" than the later "This Is Such A Pity").

Maybe you've seen the music video for the first radio single "Pork And Beans" full of the internet memes:

Rivers Cuomo isn't the vocalist on three of the songs at the bottom of the set list, giving the other band members, unfortunately, a chance to flex their vocal chords. Bell is passable on "Thought I Knew" but the others are, well, they're pretty awful.

I'd also recommend getting the Deluxe Edition of the release, it includes four "bonus tracks" that make up for the deficient turns Bell, Shriner, and Wilson take on the mike on tracks 7, 8, and 9 of the official release (particularly bonus #1 "Miss Sweeney").

For those of you who aren't going to buy the whole disc I'd recommend the following tracks for download!

(1) Troublemaker
(2) The Greatest Man That Ever Lived (Variations On A Shaker Hymn)
(3) Pork And Beans
(4) Heart Songs
(5) Miss Sweeney (bonus track)

With "The Greatest Man That Ever Lived (Variations On A Shaker Hymn)" unreservedly my favorite song.

-t

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