My Buddy And Me

Buddy Coach Meeting

Hello All,

Congratulations on being selected to be a Buddy Coach for a 2008 Summer Orientee! Attached, you will find the Orientee agenda, a Buddy Coach checklist and an article on the Buddy Coach System. Please bring all three of these to our meeting.

[attach: buddysystem.doc; buddychecklist.pdf; Julart.doc]



What's going on here? Did I sign up to participate in the buddy program? Did I even know the buddy program existed? Is the company afraid their newly-hired college graduates are going to accidentally fall out of the canoe?


We are asking for all of the Buddy Coaches to attend a quick 15 minute meeting on Monday to explain the following:

-your role
-your Supervisor's role
-the agenda
-Day 4 (all day), Day 6 (afternoon) and Day 11 (afternoon) on the agenda. HAVE A PLAN.
-answer any questions or concerns you may have.

Thank you for your cooperation and continued support with the Onboarding to Excellence Program, please be prompt.


My role? In the buddy system? "Hold hands with your buddy and make sure he doesn't drown or get lost on the elevator" Really?

A small excerpt from the FOUR PAGE cover letter:


The Making of a Good Buddy

The most appropriate buddy would:
(1) want to be a buddy
(2) be proud of the organization
(3) be well-regarded and accepted by other employees
(4) be a positive role model
(5) be of compatible age, education, temperment, etc, with the new employee
(6) be employed by the organization less than one year
(7) have patience


Based on the above criteria - base on, in fact, the FIRST of the above criteria, I would not make a good buddy, as I certainly do NOT want to be a buddy.

I also have some problems with meeting criteria 2 (not proud),6 (over a year), and 7 (zero patience); and additionally, (5), how the hell am I supposed to know if my age/education/temperment is compatible before I've me the orientee?


At minimum, the buddy should:
(1) Show the orientee around and introduce them to others
(2) Show them where to get equipment and supplies
(3) Go to lunch together the first few days
(4) Provide an open atmosphere for questions
(5) Offer encouragement


I've only got two problems with this list. (1) I don't know anyone's name. I don't care to learn them. I'm not even going to learn the name of my buddy. And, (3) I don't eat lunch when I'm at work. I get a cup of coffee in the morning, and that's it, I work through closing. I don't have time to take lunch, I certainly don't have time to take somebody else to lunch. And if they really wanted us to eat outside the building and get to know each other they could give me a company card, at least, right? I might make time if lunch was already paid for.


The buddy is a resource for questions beyond the org-chart: Whom should I watch out for? What are the potential land mines? What are the "sacred cows"? Where is the nearest restroom? What issues are not questioned in this organizational culture?


Potential land mines? Asking me about "sacred cows." Whom to watch out for? Me. I'm the guy to watch out for. Ask me about 'questioning issues in this organizational culture,' and then try finding a restroom with your nose cupped in your hands to keep blood from dripping on your first-day-of-work outfit.

I didn't ask for this. I'm resigning as buddy coach. A pre-emptory retirement.


Remember, a buddy is the new employee's first workplace friend!


Fuck that noise.

-t