You're probably wishing for a stupid kid post by now

So, it looks like you have two choices:

Zero posts for periods that span days.

Or

More frequent posts that are super boring and basically about nothing at all.

For anyone who chooses to author a blog there is an understood obligation to post on a semi-regular basis (Stella), (John), (Felecia), and that, given my preponderance for multi-post days, the expected “semi-regular” interval for this particular blog is a lot shorter than “days.”

But, I am left with nothing interesting to post.

I had to manufacture an email conversation with Adina so I would have something, anything on Monday. That didn’t just happen. I left out the email I sent to Adina which contained the instruction:

“I am probably going to post this on the blog. Think funny.”

Ok, I lied. When I said funny conversations don’t “just happen” I was not being truthful.

Funny email conversations don’t just happen. But funny online conversations happened ALL THE DAMN TIME. (and you would know if JOHN ever updated his VERBATIM blog – or published that book of funny AIM conversations we’ve had like I keep telling him to – ahem.)

But, the chance of funny AIM conversations drops dramatically to ZERO when AIM is no longer allowed at your place of business.

And apparently the will to create fun and poignant posts shrivels up and dies with it.

The most interesting thing I have to write about is that the stupid guy from Northwestern pronounces “frustrating” as “fustrating”

THAT IS NO WAY TO KEEP YOUR ADORING AND FAITHFUL AUDIENCE HAPPY!!

If things go on like this I’m going to start belting out songs from Singing In The Rain just to see what kind of reaction I’ll get. And if that doesn’t work (KATE) then I’m just going to give up and switch to songs from Disney animated movies and see how many coworkers I can get to sing along.

“Pick the paper up, put it in the bag –bump-bump-“

-t

Distraction is other people

This is why I like smart people:

From: adina@dot’sdesk.com
To: tom@workisdumb.com
Subject: important report

Why haven’t you been blogging?



From: tom@stupidwork.com
To: adina@dotiscrazy.com
Subject: Re: important report

Some people get mad when I "candy dish" about work, the "candy dish" kid, or negativity in general. I have not had much to say otherwise.  To be fair, I mostly dislike it when my "candy dishes" are negative too. Maybe later this afternoon, but don't get your hopes up.



From: adina@dot&me.com
To: tom@almostlunchtime.com
Subject: Re: important report

You never even fixed your ranking "candy dish" though. That is annoying me. how is it going with you and sam?



From: tom@got2getout.com
To: adina@anonfiance.com
Subject: Re: important report

She's coming in next weekend. And yes, not fixing the "candy dish" did irk me as well, I have been a little too busy I guess. I don't like leaving things unfinished.

Also, kudos on the subject line.



From: adina@threeletterDnames.com
To: tom@fourlettercurseslikedrat.com
Subject: Re: important report

Exciting - take a mini detour to Philly to hang out. Or else take pictures. Enjoy "candy dishing" with her. ~




From: tom@workemailforpersonalusebutnotIM.com
To: adina@wishesshewereascoolastom.com
Subject: Re: important report

Ha. Is that like "spooning"?



From: adina@lawyerlove.com
To: tom@jugglingiscool.com
Subject: Re: important report

Whatever you read into it, tom, it is. :)  how is life otherwise? Besides work? How is LIFE. ~ adina



From: tom@wishyouwerehere(inmyplace).com
To: adina@phillyischilly(Imeancool).com
Subject: Re: important report

*this is everybody's "high"
*
*this is me normally
*
*
*this is me now
*
*this is average for people
*
*
*
*
*
*
*this is everybody's "low"

Ups and downs. I'm downer than usual, but (as per the graphic
representation) I'm higher than most people most of the time.

A little like Flordia. A bad day for me is better than an average day almost anywhere else.

At home we've got most of the new addition painted and most furniture moved. I now have my very own room with cable tv, comic books, and video games.

I have been helping L&F move, tomorrow-ish I will be carting futon/mattress stuff for them.



From: adina@thinkfunny.com
To: tom@itsmoneynotlove.com
Subject: Re: important report

So you're never going to move out of your parent's house now huh. How is F&L's new place? What was so bad about going out with your semi friend?
You have been more negative than usual. How's the "candy dish" search going?

*this is everybody's "high"
* this is when I'm with Dot or Dan or when I'm eating pasta
*
*
*
*
*this is where I am now (I just ate a turkey sandwich and it's making me sleepy and nauseous)
*this is average for people
*
*
*
*
*
*
*this is everybody's "low"



I’ve been here all day, my inbox looks like this:
Re: important report
Re: important report
Re: important report
Re: important report
Re: important report
Re: important report
Re: important report
Re: important report
Re: important report


-t    

Ordinarily

RANKINGS!


I just had a Snickers bar. Ok, it wasn’t a Snickers bar it was one of those tiny snack serving things. BUT, it got me to thinking that Snickers might be my favorite candy bar, which got me to thinking about other candy bars that might be my favorite, which got me to thinking about ranking them, and once I started thinking about ranking candy bars I started thinking about ranking other things, and then I started writing. You can tell I haven’t completed thinking about any of these things (including the writing) because right now we’re just this side of “rambly.” Or maybe we’re just that side.

Candy Bars
1. Three Musketeers
2. Snickers
3. Milky Way
4. Payday (ok, I was going to stipulate that an entry in the “candy bar” category must contain chocolate, but I really like peanuts and sugar and caramel)
5. Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups (I was also going to stipulate to be considered a “candy bar” the candy must be in bar form, but… no.)

Runners-up (nobody ever gets that right): Almond Joy, Caramello, Hershey’s Milk Chocolate

Shows that were on Nickelodeon that year my parents had cable when I was a kid
1. You Can’t Do That On Television (I loved that Barf character, it’s only watching the show now (only finding one episode after months of searching the internet) do I realize exactly how gross that diner must have been – but the lockers bit is still as funny as ever)
2. The Mysterious Cities of Gold (sooner or later I’m going to devote an entire post to this show. It keeps cropping up, first in the comments, now in the blog proper…it’s making a comeback baby!)
3. Are You Afraid of the Dark? (I’ve talked to a lot of people about this. A lot of people remember this show. No one, including myself, has any recollection of any episode other than the one where the kid stole the clown’s nose at the circus and then the clown started haunting him to get it back)
4. DangerMouse/Banaman/Count Duckula (I’m putting these together because Bananaman always followed DM and Duckula was a spinoff. These three shows were all outstanding)
5. Clarissa Explains It All

Runners-up: Belle & Sebastian, The Adventures of Pete and Pete, Double Dare, Hey Dude, Salute Your Shorts, Wild & Crazy Kids (oh, Omar…), Legends of the Hidden Temple, Roundhouse, and GUTS

Disney cartoons:
1. Tailspin
2. Darkwing Duck
3.Recess

Ducktales doesn’t make the list. It was good, but I only really liked the episodes with Gizmo Duck.

Video games I’ve played
1. Tony Hawk Pro Skater (N64)
2. Goldeneye (multi-player, N64)
3. Super Mario Land (Gameboy)
4. NHL 95 (Genesis)
5. MarioKart 64 (N64)

Runners-up: Blades of Steel (NES), Contra (NES), Sonic the Hedgehog (Genesis)

Inventions (all-time)
1. Pockets
2. Remote Control
3. Blue hooded sweatshirts
4. Music
5. Duct tape

Runners-up: Post-It notes, French cuffs, and personal computers

Favorite Office Supplies
1. Stapler
2. Ballpoint pen
3. Ruler


That’s it for now, I’ve got to get back to work.

*UPDATE 3/23 10:15AM*
Thanks e$ and adina

PBS Shows
1. Square One
2. 3-2-1 Contact
3. Are You Being Served
4. Ghostwriter




*UPDATE 3/23 11:50AM*
I fixed all the links! There are some hidden gems in there for those of you who feel like searching.

Fade to (not quite) Black

I’m wearing a pair of pants I’ve had since high school.

They fit fine, blah blah blah.

But they’re old. More importantly, they’re faded.

The pants I’m wearing were once black. Now, they are faded-black. I’m wearing them with a shirt that is fairly new, and definitely not faded. This only serves to bring the fadedness of the pants into high relief.

“Why can’t you just get a pair of pants that aren’t faded? mm? You don’t have any other black pants at home?”

Well, I do, in fact. I have a lovely pair of Dockers black flat-front chinos that look spectacular on me. (These faded pants are pleated, no one ever looks good in pleated pants).

I will definitely not be wearing these pants again unless the rest of my wardrobe goes up in flames. I’m sure this isn’t really big news…I’m sure no one can look 100% all the time.

I’m noting it because:

I’m a little surprised that this is bothering me.
-t

Literately

Tonight, I swear to you all, I am going to read.

I have spent the last six months with a stack of books next to my bed, unread. I have tried, valiantly, to move through these books in order; to pick them up, read them beginning, middle, to end.

For a while it was working. The Unread pile grew smaller as the Read pile grew larger. Sometimes distractions would arise: BIG DRIVE OH FIVE, for example, saw very little reading. I may love the written word, but I also love not driving into oncoming traffic.

I was surprised to find that one of the bigger distractions was a video game. Star Wars Knights of the Old Republic consumed forty-five hours of my usual reading time. I would come home from work and sit right down in front of the Xbox, then play until I fell asleep.

Throughout it all though I have had one mainstay, one sure-fire spot to read: the T. Every morning and every evening on my ride to and from work the train becomes a reading nook. Well-lit, heated, seats usually available, and the best part is that there are no distractions. No phones, no video games, no television. The most I can do to spoil it is throw on some music but really that just becomes white noise once I become absorbed with the story.

As it happens I am nearing the end of my current read. I am seeking, more and more, to put aside distractions in order to finish the story. I am finding, more and more, distractions at the forefront.

Distractions take the form of projects around the house, moving friends, phone calls, and rounds of Fireball Island (in which I am obligated to play). This means a book which I could finish in three hours tonight will get spaced out over four or five days on the train, in twenty minute segments.

Not tonight though. Tonight I will read.

I will leave work. Read on the train. Arrive home and read. Possibly eat dinner. Read. Watch Lost (all new episode tonight!). And then read until I fall asleep. I am going to try and finish this book tonight.

So I can start a new one on the train tomorrow.
-t

recommended download:
Pearl Jam, God’s Dice

To reiterate, again

Dear book publishers, sir or madam, to whom it may concern,

I would like a book deal.

I realize I’ve mentioned this in the past (twice, if my memory serves me, and it does, usually, though never well enough for more than the standard 15%-20% tip).

I’m talking about it again today because, as you know, I have not yet been offered a book deal.

I would like to take this opportunity to ask if there are things I need to do in order to get such an offer, to ask, specifically, if yes, exactly what those things are.

What are they?

I can write a book, a good book. It will not cost you very much money at all. I think all I would require is an editor. Someone who will befriend me, and criticize my work, and keep me aware – and ahead of – deadlines in order to maximize your investment.

Which is another thing I’d like to mention. I want to make it clear that an advance on the sales of the book would be appreciated but by no means necessary. I am willing to work advance-less so long as you understand that may mean I would need a bit more time to complete the project, as I will be working a regular job (that I hate).

I could write about that job! Maybe that is what the book could be about. People love to read clever everyday anecdotes about stupid coworkers. I bet it would be a bestseller, or, a fake bestseller, because, as I said before, I’m pretty sure the “bestselling books” guy at the NYT can be bought.

Maybe you already have books about jobs. I can also write about childhood. Fun memories, important events, life-changing happenings. It could be very much like that other bestseller, “Lots of Little Pieces,” or something like that and we could avoid the whole “fiction v. nonfiction” debate by including a disclaimer. Something like “to the best of our knowledge the author believes that all these things really occurred. Probably” and we would be off the hook.

No? Maybe a relationship/how-to book. “How to get a date with the pretty girl from your office.” I have some experience that would be very valuable to a book with such a title.

“Learning to hate your coworkers in six easy steps” I also have some experience. (Actually, it’s only three steps, but that would be a short book so I came up with some filler.)

Ah, drat. I’ve begun focusing on the office and job that I hate again. A good editor would have seen this coming and steered me back on topic. You, publishing companies, can provide such an editor. We could win an Oscar, or whatever awards they give out for books… Tonys? Well, it doesn’t matter. “Award-winning” looks good on a dust jacket, just like “best selling.” Those awards guys can probably also be bought.

The only thing you need now is my name on that dust jacket and a whole bunch of words between the covers. About how many words would you say are in a book? Twenty-thousand? Thirty-thousand? Look, I’ve already written Five-hundred thirty six words to this point in the essay. (Actually, I included that sentence in the count, but really, who’s counting?) All I would need to do is duplicate a letter of this, or similar, style thirty-seven times – less if I use a lot of very long words.

Oh, finally, a title: I think I’ll call it “Tom’s First Book” (thereby implying there will be many more to follow, like that hack Sue Grafton and her alphabet bit – though my way isn’t limited to only 26 works. Amateur.)


And there you have it. A book.
I’ll be expecting your call. (Or email.)

Thank you.

Cascadingly (Did I mention I can juggle? Lots of juggling analogies!),

Tom

I wore a green tie on Friday, but didn't have to because I'm Irish where it counts, on the inside.

Happy Saint Patrick’s Day!

This weekend saw my NCAA bracket fall to pieces (for starters: Half of my third-round teams were knocked out in the first round, and Duke is the only team I have left in their region).

I’ve also made a big dent in the latest George R. R. Martin book, A Feast For Crows. It is pacing is deliberately slower than the previous three books in the series (Storm of Swords, Clash of Kings, and Game of Thrones) and I expect it to pick up dramatically as I near the last page, thus catapulting the story into full gear for the last installment A Dance with Dragons (to be published sometime late this year).

Fireball Island is just as much fun as I remember, and the rules are much more ambiguous. After a fistfight (or three) nearly broke out after our first run-through we had to establish some pretty stringent house rules to keep the peace. Now we only see about one potential fight per round. As the only authentic pieces I have are the game board itself and the two bridges I continue my search on ebay and game sites to find the missing pieces (top on the list are Vul-kar, the stone idol that spits fireballs, and a complete deck of game cards, and the forbidden jewel piece; further down are the red marble “fireballs” for which we’re using ordinary cat’s eye marbles, and the for game markers). We’re also missing the four adventurer figures from the original game (in red, orange, blue, and purple) but the archers and orks we’re using from the Lord of the Rings Risk game work perfectly (gold, green, black, and red).

Finally, this weekend we stained all but the last of the woodwork in the new addition, leaving only the hallway, my room, and Timmy’s room left to be painted. Then we can start moving the rest of the furniture.

Stay classy,
-t

recommended download: Get Me Away From Here, I’m Dying, Belle & Sebastian

ps, you guys remember the Bell & Sebastian cartoon the band is named after, right? The Little French boy and his one giant dog and one tiny dog?

And while we’re on the subject, you guys remember The Mysterious Cities of Gold too, right? With Esteban, the Child of the Sun, the South American orphan raised in Spain by the Church after he was brought back by the conquistadors who was taken back to the Americas to help them find the mysterious cities of gold? I was a huge fan of that show.

What singer's name was inspired by the Latin for "Good Voice"?

Wednesday: The Pub.

Tom, Mo, and I played trivia the other night at the pub. We tried to think of a team name inspired by the March Madness tourney, but the best Mo could do is translate "angry march" to latin, so we went with “The Ides of March Madness" instead (though, yes, it was the 14th, not the 15th of March but “the eve of the ides of march madness was definitely too long).

It was an Irish-themed game, with special prizes (a tour of the Harpoon brewery for the winning team and up to 75 of their closest friends, and assorted Harpoon merchandise in lieu of the usual gift certificates), and it consisted of the hardest and most obscure questions I've ever encountered (e.g. Name the four provinces in Ireland. - I got "Ulster"). We pretty much used "Bono," "James Joyce," or "St. Patrick" as our default answers.

A nice twist: The winning team for each individual round got a free round of Harpoon ale.

We did very poorly. In fact we scored a total of zero points through two rounds, and after losing 5 points on the final question we were actually in the red. (However, do to some dubious scorekeeping we were awarded a total of eleven points at the end of the round!).

This trend did not continue, however, into the later rounds. In fact, in round 3 we scored eight points and in round four we more than doubled that by scoring an additional 12. (We wagered 8 points on a question to which "Bono" turned out to be correct - huzzah!).

The rest of the field had been slowly exiting the bar between rounds, no doubt disheartened by the increased difficulty of the questions. This left fewer teams in the running but did not significantly improve our standing as we remained dead-last, albeit in a smaller pool.

To cap off the night we were awarded a final roud of beers. Not for winning the last round, but because the moderators took pity on us.

Too bad we didn't win the Harpoon Brewery tour.
-t

Is anybody watching the World Baseball Classic?

It starts with the umpires. A blown call against Japan. A run that would have meant the lead, and possibly the game, taken away by the officials. Benefactors? The US team. They go on to win, to play another day.

Next up, do-or-die against Mexico. The same umpire blows another call. Calls a ground rule double instead of a home run on a ball that struck the right field foul pole. It took two more batters for the Mexican team to get that run around, but it was gratifying to see them get credit for it. Are the umpires taking payoffs? This is almost worse than the NFL refs trying to give the Pittsburgh/Indianapolis game to the Colts. The Steelers managed to pull it off, with a little help from Vanderjagt the Colts' kicker.

I'd still be watching even if the US team didn't make the finals. I'd bet money a lot of baseball fans would too. Giving them a free pass to the big show? All it does is cheapen the championship. We came here to see baseball. We don't want to see Americans ushered in to the finals by biased calls. This should be about the game.

It continues with the commentators. Top of the fourth inning Chipper Jones makes a good baserunning decision to tag-up on a long fly to right. He advances to third and makes it home on a sacrifice fly. Bottom of four one of the Mexican runners starts to drift off second base on a fly ball to left field. The commentators start ridiculing him. "Bad baserunning" they say "Chipper tagged up on a similar play" and "If he had tagged up he could be on third now"

Bull.

The ball was a short fly to left. If the runner had tried to tag up and then advance he would have been thrown out by thirty feet. The baserunner made the right decision, the play was in front of him. The smart play is to go halfway to third in case the left fielder drops the ball. Then advance.

We need real umpires. Not fill-ins. MLB get your head on straight, get your umpires in here. American umpires stop the selfish act. Everyone else here showed up to play, the game shouldn't be cheapend by scab umps. 

Commentators. STOP BEING JACKASSES. You have shown no class and very little knowledge about the game of baseball.I'm muting the television. Selig, you'v got a slim chance of saving this thing. The First step is officiating. The second step is Class. The officials and media could learn a few things about how to behave from the players.

Look at Griffey, look at Chipper Jones, pick any guy on that USA team. They’re excited to play. They are here for the game, for the show.

Biased calls and no-class commentators cheapen the tournament. Knock it off.


** Update ** Mexico comes out with the win. The commentators are still joking about the Mexcian team eliminating themselves from the semifinals. Commentators, please shut up. This Mexican team knew going in it was almost impossible to advance. They were here to play the spoilers, to knock team USA out. Look at them celebrate, listen to those fans.

This tournament could be great. We’re testing for steroids, now we need to test for pompous jackasses.

Re: This is something I bet you'll enjoy:

From: Donny
To: Tom
Wednesday 3/15/2006 2:34 PM

I <3 U



Thanks Donny. That’s swell.

The End

It feels like the end of things. One week, everything is over.

My manager is leaving. He's the reason I didn't quit this job six months ago. Last week felt like the week before graduation. An ending.

I'm looking seriously to find a new job, there isn't anything left here that I want. An end, not a new begining.

My music isn't helping, I'm listening to Matt Nathason (Detroit Waves). Sad music. Finality.

After everything. There is an overriding sense of ending.

This is the feeling you get when you spend all night awake with your best friend who joined the marines and is shipping out tomorrow. This is the feeling you get when you spend all night with the person you love before they fly to another continent forever. This is the feeling you get when you spend a night with someone because you know they might not ever come back.

This is the feeling you get walking to the car at sunrise to drive them to the airport. It's cold, and it's real, and it's melancholy. It's final - and it' sad.

This is what things feel like here. We had something, and now it's over. It's not just the end of something - It's the end of a lot of somethings.

Dublin Waves

My resume was rejected by one of the four consulting firms I’d contacted, I haven’t heard from the other three.

Meanwhile my emails to Dublin have gone unanswered.

It will be very hard to find another job if no one wants to hire me.

But, unanswered emails aside, Dublin is now the frontrunner. I won’t have to leave the company, but I’ll be able to leave the group.

I’ve caught myself thinking about what I’d do over in Dublin, the upsides and the downsides:

Downside:
Missing Major League Baseball and (real) American Football
Upside:
learn to play cricket, and have a legitimate shot of making the Irish Olympic Hockey team, assuming I can establish both Irish citizenship and an Irish Olympic Hockey Program

Downside:
leaving every single friend (and every married or engaged friend too) I’ve ever made on this continent
Upside:
get a new gang of Ireland friends

Downside:
no Yuengling
Upside:
lots of Guinness

Downside:
None of my region 1 dvds will play on European dvd players
Upside:
Danger Mouse dvds will be a lot easier to find in Ireland

Downside:
possibly missing holidays like New Year’s and Christmas
Upside:
taking Dan Goldin Day international.


-t
recommended download: Matt Nathanson, anything live

Drinks

Last night was the big party for Mike’s departure. Everyone went out. Everybody. We haven’t even had this kind of turnout for the  mandatory show-up-or-you’ll-get-fired meetings.

So we drank. I spent about a third of the night talking to the cool people in the office; a third of the night talking to Bible Guy, because he’s a nice guy and no one was talking to him because maybe they’re afraid of God or something, I don’t know; and a third of the night avoiding the stupid kid, who, I swear to you, was following me around trying to engage me in conversation. At one point he followed me into the bathroom.

What the hell? Not only was it creepy, but it was super-creepy. The stupid kid was wearing his BRIGHT turquoise shirt and sitting way down the other end of the bar trying (unsuccessfully)  to get into a conversation with some office girls. I was sitting at a table waaaaaay at the other end of the room. I put my beer down and headed for the bathroom, and just as I turned past the sink I see this BRIGHT TURQUOISE blur from the corner of my eye enter the bathroom.

Dude. I got the hell out of there. Seriously, wtF?

Anyway. The rest of the night was cool. Most of my group left at like eight (losers). I stayed a little longer and talked to manager Hilary (from the cake! emails).

Hilary was very excited about my possible move to Dublin.

I was incredulous – because I hadn’t told anyone. Not that it’s a big deal, but again, wtf? I emailed a guy in Dublin like three hours before, and already someone who’s not even in my group is spreading the rumor that I’m moving to Ireland and leaving the group in the lurch?

Ok, yes, it’s not a rumor, it’s a goal. But come on! Three hours? I haven’t even heard back from Dublin yet!

Weird.

Ok, I forget where I was going with the rest of this post. Basically Everyone was there, because everybody loved Mike; and the stupid kid is creepy and everyone hates him.

Oh, right. I remember.

So, I had a few last night and today woke up with a headache, but it died pretty fast. Now I just feel a little strange and could really go for a McDonald’s breakfast sandwich (which I won’t be in time to get, so I’ll have to go to Dunkin Donuts). I decided, just prior to writing this post, to write the post and then skip out for a Sausage Egg and Cheese.

Then Pony Boy and Lurch started talking about feeling hungover and going for breakfast sandwiches when Pony Boy said “It’s Friday – no meat.”

DAMMIT. I always forget stuff like that. I’ll have to go get a bagel.
-t

Sail On

Our cool manager, Mike, is moving to New York. The stupid kid decided to do something about it.

Last week the he forwarded an email conversation he’d had with the managers of the other group on the floor. This was the intro to the email:

From: the stupid kid
To: Tom, Lurch, Pony Boy, Hypermanager, Quiet Girl, Guy that I hate

Please read up from the bottom to follow the conversation. Thanks.

-the stupid kid-

Thanks for the tip, stupid kid, none of us has ever seen email before.

Rather than present the rest of the email as it was sent (bottom up) I will share it top down, for your convenience:

From: the stupid kid
To: Hilary, the other manager
Subject: Cake!

Hillary, I was just looking at that website. Doesn't the cake on this ship (click the third pic from the left on the bottom) look a lot like the company logo? http://www.partyfavorsbrookline.com/Default.aspx?tabid=49&cid=7&sid=0&ProductID=795&page=0

They can mimic designs that we bring to them. So I'm sure they could do a closer rendition of our logo.

They had a photo fo an NY city cake design in the store too. I thought it would be cool to see if they could make a good looking company ship combined with a vista of NY city. Perhaps the ship could be in the harbor.

Like the cake in this image, we could have some writing. Perhaps something like "Sail On Mike!" or something like that. Just a thought.

-the stupid kid-

From: Hilary
To: the stupid kid, the rest of her group
Subject: RE: Cake!


Would everyone pitch in $40 for this cake for Mike?
We're just trying to get a consensus of who would eat/pay this much - please keep in mind that we'll probably do a small gift as well.

Please let the stupid kid know.

Thank you!


Hilary

From: the stupid kid
To: Hilary, the rest of her group
Subject: RE: Cake!


If anyone has alternative suggestions or ideas, please feel free to air them. Our choices aren't limited to duplicates from the website ( http://www.partyfavorsbrookline.com/ ) designs. I think it serves as a good reference point though and may inspire you to have more ideas.

If there are any artists in the groups, we can ask the store to copy any drawings we supply. Price depends in part on how detailed you want to make it. Though if it goes a little over, I don't mind picking up the difference.

Wednesday would be the deadline to order, but if everyone agrees on a plan of action, I'd like to place the order after work on Tuesday just to be safe

-the stupid kid-

From: the stupid kid
To: everyone
Subject: FW: Cake!

Please read up from the bottom to follow the conversation. Thanks.

-the stupid kid-

From: The Quiet Girl
To: everyone
Subject: RE: Cake!

stupid kid,
I'd be happy to chip in some money, just let me know how much and when to get it to you. Also, as far as the cake design, you could bring the cake place a sample letterhead (I'm sure Hypermanager has one), which would have the company logo on it. Just a thought!

From: the stupid kid
To: Quiet Girl, everyone
Subject: RE: Cake!

Quiet Girl,
I know Lurch likes the idea of having Mike's photo on the cake. He can show it to you on his cell phone. I'd say that if everyone chips in $4.00 that should more than cover it. If everyone is okay with this, just give it to Hillary when a final decision is made.

If anyone else has any ideas, please share them with the rest of us by forwarding the response to the people I'm sending this to. DON'T SEND IT TO MIKE!

But keep in mind that this is supposed to be a SECRET, even though Mike is surely expecting something. So how about if from now on the code word for cake is "candy dish." That way if Mike overhears, he'll think we're discussing stuff to put in Not So Pretty Girl's Bowl.

-the stupid kid-


A few brief notes:
-I included the links so you can see exactly what he’s talking about
-the entire group laughed for the entire afternoon after receiving this email.
-the stupid kid misspelled Hilary’s name twice in these emails
-some names have been changed because these kids are really stupid
-“candy dish” will be substituted as a code phrase for anything and everything in the near future
-I fully expect “Sail on Mike!” to attain catch phrase status. (i.e. “boo-urns,” “so’s your face,” and “bam!”)

"Candy Dish"

A quick story:

The Not So Pretty Girl sits across from me. She has a large plastic bowl on her desk. The bowl is usually empty.

A few weeks ago one of the guys in her group started bringing in candy to fill the bowl. Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, assorted Snickers, Milky Way, and Three Musketeers, and so on.  People loved it. The candy usually lasted about a day and a half.

Last week the stupid kid started bringing in candy for the bowl. He brought jelly beans. The jelly beans got mixed reviews. People seemed to really like them, but disliked that they weren’t individually wrapped.

The jelly beans lasted two days. Then the stupid kid filled the bowl with Doritos.

The Doritos did not go over well. No one wanted orange keyboards or fingerprints on their nightly reports. Also, it seems people like the Cool Ranch flavor more than the Nacho flavor anyway.

Is it hot in here?

Exchange: Lurch and Pony Boy

“So what do you pay in rent, you know, a month?”

“Well, it varies…utilities, you know?”

“Well, yeah, but – what do you pay for just rent?”

“Well, like in the summer it’s like $570, but this winter, man, last month I paid like $840!”

“Wow.”

“Yeah, well, you know, the gas bill, and the heat – it’s just so cold in the winter, you know? The gas bill last month was almost $400.”

“Well, in my house we keep the heat at like 66 or 64.”

“Oh, really? We keep it at like 70.”

“Well there you go!”

“No, it’s cool, I don’t like putting on sweaters or anything, and my roommates are the same way. We’re just too lazy. I don’t know.”

“And do you turn the heat down at night?”

“No, we turn it up at night! That’s when it gets the coldest! We keep it at like 75.”
    

The swift brown fox.

Exchange: Northwestern Guy and High-Strung Guy

“The big question in my training class was, this guy that sat next to me – well, he didn’t at first, then they switched the seats around the second day – the big question was ‘will he pass training?’

“It was touch-and-go there?”

“Well, let’s just say – he wasn’t the swiftest knife in the drawer.”

“Was there a pool? There should have been a pool.”

“The thing that made this the funniest, was his nickname was ‘The Barberino.’”    

I guess I'm glad somebody's doing it...

I think the cleaning people are having sex on my desk at nights. Like that Seinfeld episode where George has sex with the cleaning lady on a desk.

I found what might be a pubic hair on my keyboard this morning.


Also, just last night Donny called and said
“I was calling to talk about how your job search is going, but I didn’t know if I should, because I never know how much of your blog is made-up.”

Nobody really knows, Donny, nobody really knows.
-t

recommended download: Somebody To Love, Queen

Cut-off. Like jeans.

THIS IS A CULTURE RAISED BY THE INTERNET

HOW CAN YOU CUT OFF MY ACCESS TO THE ONLINE COMMUNITY

THERE IS NO INTERACTION
THERE IS NO COMMUNICATION
I AM LOSING IT

Leaving me without AIM is like taking a fish out of water. … Should I be that dramatic?

Yes. This is like taking away AIR. I LACK THE OXYGEN TO BREATHE ONLINE.

MY CAPILLARIES ARE CLOSING OFF – I AM STARTING TO SEE BLACK SPOTS IN FRONT OF MY EYES

This might be the first generation immune to the effects of carpal tunnel syndrome. Our tendons and ligaments have adapted to the previously too-rigorous near-constant 60wpm messaging speed. Links are our slang. Google is a verb because we made it a verb.

I THRIVE ON ELECTRONS EMITTED VIA CATHODE RAY TUBE

I have been cut off from this community, my family, my home(page) (hahaha).

WHO CARES IF I AM A LESS EFFECTIVE EMPLOYEE WHEN I AM ONLINE? THAT IS LIKE BEING A LESS EFFECTIVE SPEAKER WHILE CHEWING

Nothing makes sense anymore. There is no reason to cruise the internet if I cannot pass on what I’ve learned, what I’ve looked at, what I’ve read.

I AM A SOCIAL CREATURE WITHOUT A SOCIETY. I AM ALONE.

Strip me of my eyes, my ears. I can no longer detect the presence of others online. Blogging cannot substitute. Blogging is call-and-response. AIM is instantaneous. Blogging is talking to the moon over the radio.

AIM IS BETTER THAN SEX. (so I’ve heard, based on what I know about sex)

I weep when I imagine more days like this. Cold, afraid, alone. Typing muscles atrophy, neurons stop firing. Wit and sarcasm shrivel up and die. The end of AIM at work is the end of an era: An era marked by newer and more fabulous ways to avoid work; marked by physics-boggling near-instantaneous passage of time over previously super-boring intervals.

I have entered an alternate universe, without instant messenger where time actually slows down in brain-killing physics-boggling passage of boring intervals.

No contact. Stranded in the real world.

I WAS A SOCIAL CREATURE. WATCH ME WASTE AWAY TO NOTHING

-the end-


(recommended download: Morcheeba, Everybody Loves A Loser)

In the interest of higher ratings

You know how people totally like to watch bad stuff?

Like, Jerry Springer, the news, the obituaries. Negative type stuff. Sex sells, puppies and rainbows do not. People like rooting for the bad guy. Like FX’s the Shield, the Sopranos. Shows with high ratings are about bad guys. Nobody watches PaxTV.

In that vein I’m thinking about starting up a weekly feature for the blog, a “root for the bad guy” feature. Here goes.

Bad Guy Feature Week of March 5th, 2006:

3/7 – Today I kicked a kitten.

Tune in next week!

I thought he was a nice guy, just a little slow, but...

Do you have to be a jackass? Who brought you up to think that was ok? When did you decide that being sneaky is better than being up front?

The girl that updates rates isn’t in yet. Maybe she’s going to call in sick, maybe she missed her train, we don’t know. If she doesn’t come in it will fall to me to update rates, meanwhile the newbies are getting antsy.

“Do you know if she’s in today?”
“Do you know if she’s on vacation?”
“Did she call in sick?”

First of all, no. Second of all, if she did call she wouldn’t call me, she’d call the manager, why don’t you ask him?

Because you’re sneaky and a jackass. You wait until the manager walks over to her desk to see if she’s arrived, then you get up from your desk, walk over under the pretext of kidding around with Pony Boy and say very loudly

“Wow, it’s like she’s been coming in at noon this past week, huh? Huh, ha ha, huh”

Jackass.

How about this. Instead of being a jackass and using this passive aggressive attack mode you are apparently so keen on, try not being a jackass. How’s that?

-t

"Stop being tall" isn't really a constructive solution to this problem

I used to ask people “what’s your biggest fear?” It’s a great ice breaker, really good for groups meeting for the first time. Try it next time you’re a high school teacher, or camp counselor, or resident assistant.

My answer was always “getting poked in the eye with an umbrella spoke.” Because man, that’s terrifying, right?

I mean, I’m not actually afraid of that, but it’s a good answer to the question. It’s unexpected and different. Beats the pants off of “spiders” or “heights.” Everybody’s afraid of spiders. Get over yourselves.

The point is it’s a fake fear. I joke about it, I say “I’m more afraid of actually hearing that “squishing” sound when the umbrella spoke hits you in the eye than I am of actually losing my site, or the pain it might cause.”

But it’s not true. In fact, I’m pretty sure I’ve got reflexes that are fast enough to keep my eyeballs safe and sound in their sockets, and I don’t like to worry about freak occurrences that might end up with an umbrella poking out of my eye, that’s just a slippery slope that will send you down a spiral of panic and paranoia.

I do have, however, an actual real fear that I had not realized previously. Ceiling fans.

I’m not kidding. We just installed a ceiling fan in every room of the new addition, that’s a 300% increase in ceiling fans in my house. And, you can discount the fan in the living room, it’s a ten-foot ceiling so there’s plenty of room between me and the blades. But the other two fans are up in the bedrooms, with typical eight-foot ceilings, which places the ceiling fans about six inches above my head, which is way too close for comfort.

I get jittery when I reach up to stretch my arms. I jump and dodge like the suckers are aiming for me. They’re not, I know they’re not. And I’ve seen that episode of Mythbusters where they tried to decapitate the dummy with a fan and ended up needing a lawn mower engine and machined steel blades to do any real damage but come on man blades spinning inches from your head? That’s terrifying.

If asked, I’ll still say “umbrella spoke in the eye” because that’s a funny answer. But really? Low ceiling fans.

-tgme

You remember that line? At the end of "Center Stage." You know the one I'm talking about: "Whoa."

Shit.

Have you guys read my last two posts?

Shit. Have you guys read any of the posts from the last six months? They blow.

I started this blog because I cared about not caring about work… I JUST WANTED TO HAVE FUN and keep other people who had suck-ass jobs entertained. Mostly my friends, because they were the only people I knew with suck-ass jobs, but anonymous strangers too, if they stumbled on a link or whatever.

When did I turn into an asshole? “Boo my job sucks” and “boo my life is so hard.”

Jackass.

Seriously? I’m getting paid almost forty-thousand dollars a year to use my brain maybe twice a day. And, while I’m surrounded by stupid kids who I am still utterly amazed have the necessary intelligence to complete an involuntary bodily function like breathe, I don’t think I “deserve” to complain.

Because I’m pretty sure everybody deals with stupid people.

I just realized right now that the reason I get frustrated with their actions and lack of intelligent thinking is because I care about this job and they’re messing it up.

What the hell?! When did I start caring?

So consider this an open apology to you, the readers, if, in fact, there are still any of you out there. I am hereby reverting to my old self.

I will not care about this job, or any other that, through action or inaction, prevents groups of smart people from working together.

I will hate stupid people, but not because their stupidity affects the quality of the work done at the aforementioned type jobs, but soley because they are stupid, which, in my opinion, is the absolute worst thing you can be.

I will quit bitching. Seriously, who the hell do I think I am.

It is important that I hate them all. But the reason I hate them is more important.

Check the Lost and Found for those rose-colored glasses.
And download these songs:

Breakfast at Tiffany’s, Deep Blue Soemthing
Hanginaround, Counting Crows
Always On My Mind, Phantom Planet
Gay Cowboy, Jude
Blood On The Coal, The Folksmen
Streams Of Whiskey, The Pogues


-tgme

Friday night: Drinking and career advice

Friday we went out after work. Some of the guys who work for our client were meeting at a bar and my manager asked if I wanted to go with him to meet up with them.

While we walked over (in minus twenty-degree wind chill) my manager joked about giving these guys a hard time about the monthly report we send to them and they always mess up.

I talked about how much I hate this job and want to leave.

He tried to talk me out of it. “There’s always turnover, in a year, year and a half, there’ll be a management position that opens up, like hypermanager’s. That’s a big bump in responsibility and salary.”

I told him I already do eighty percent of hypermanager’s work. It would only be a bump in salary. Also, after that promotion you aren’t eligible for overtime. After that promotion is also when your responsibilities require you to stay until about 7:30 every night.

I told him I’d already submitted my resume to two consulting firms and would continue to apply to new places until I got a new job.

He suggested I call the people in Dublin who work on the Ireland fund, remind them that I’m their contact here in Boston and ask them for a job.

“Spend a year in Dublin, they know you, they’ve worked with you, and nobody over there cares about their jobs, so you won’t have to work to hard to keep up.”

I was drunk by then, but it sounded like a really good idea.

Then I made the mistake of telling my family. My mom said “Take the job, we can come visit! Your brothers don’t have passports yet, this would be a great motivator.”

Then my mother called my grandmother and told her. My grandmother is very excited about the idea. She is very excited about a trip to Ireland.

Meanwhile, since the announcement that our manager is leaving I have more responsibility all of a sudden, I’m actually working more than fifty percent of the time, and working on stuff that matters.

They announced the annual raises last week too.

If I didn’t have to work with these people I work with, this wouldn’t be a bad job.

But I do. And Lurch, Pony Boy, Stupid Kid, the Oaf, Hypermanager, and The Guy That I Hate are irredeemable.

I want out.
-t

Working Blind

Isolation.

Who’s at work? Who’s home? Is anything interesting and exciting going on right now?

I used to know. Away messages report events real-time. Not like blogs. Most of the time stories get posted at the end of the day, or a few days later, after editing.

Blog posts don’t pop up to say “Ran to the post office…back after my lunch break”

Email doesn’t keep a buddy list with people marked as away.

Phone conversations can’t be kept private.

Are there people out there? I can’t see them. I don’t know.

Isolation sucks.

Bad News and Bad Breaks

This has been the worst two-day period here since I started working.
First, the hierarchy:


Assistant Vice President (Cancer Face)
                 |
Senior Manager (the cool manager)
      |                               |
Hypermanager   Guy that I hate
  |
Me

Yesterday we were called into a noon meeting so the AVP could announce that our cool manager gave his two weeks notice. He is moving to New York City, because “It’s something I’ve always wanted to do, and if I didn’t go now, then in ten, fifteen years I’d be saying ‘coulda-woulda-shoulda.’”

It was the most disheartening meeting I’ve ever been to. The room seemed to deflate. Everybody likes this manager, everybody likes working with him. He’s young, friendly, accessible, and fun. He is one of maybe three people here that I would hang out with outside work.

And, while I regret his decision to leave, I applaud his conviction and wish the best for him down in NY.

In his absence an interim manager will be brought in so the group won’t be disrupted. This measure will fail, because the group has already been disrupted. One of the other managers on the floor cried when he heard the news.


Then today we received an email officially putting severe limits on internet usage and banning instant messaging programs:

“I have seen the use of many non-work related applications in recent times when I’m walking around the floor. Specifically, the use of AOL, AOL chatrooms and AOL instant messenger. You should not be using these and any use must cease immediately.

These applications directly affect the performance of your PC’s and the work related applications that run on these PC’s.  Above that, time spent on AOL is definitely not work related and is distracting.  

I hear a lot of complaints that our PC’s aren’t any good and are not performing.  Granted, we do run quite a few memory intensive work applications, but quite frankly, it’s often from junk programs and spyware that ends up in our program files and temporary files from non-work related use of the Internet.  

There are appropriate uses for the internet and it is important to remember that users’ discretion should be on the conservative side.  Cruising the net on your lunch hour is one thing, installing AOL on your PC is another.

-supervising manager”

I’ve talked about looking for a new job, but I knew that work here would be at least bearable as long as the cool manager was here. No longer.

And I’m not saying that it is, or should be, our right as employees to use instant messenger. I’m saying that it shouldn’t be an issue if it doesn’t affect our work. I have never missed a deadline because I was chatting online.

But, allowed or banned, instant messaging has been the link to the outside world that has kept me near sanity. I used AIM when I first started here. I used AIM when it was unofficially prohibited. Now that the ban is official I will no longer use it, I am not one to disobey a direct order.

But now the job search has been kicked into high gear. There’s nothing to stay for, and nothing that would make staying easier. I think a lot of people here are thinking the same thing. Cool manager’s announcement might spark an exodus.

-t

A million little stories: a million reasons to throw a milliion dollars at me

Where’s my book deal?

I’ve mentioned this a few times here on the web log, and I’d like to make things very clear for you readers (especially you readers who, once I get my book deal and start blogging about my millionaire status will leave comments like “you hypocrite, now that you have a book deal you’re all about the money, blah blah blah”): I want a book deal. I am about the money.

(I am not all about the money, I am only some about the money.)

Read carefully now: I am not saying I deserve a book deal. First, because only selfish jackasses expound their own deservedness, and second, because I don’t deserve a book deal.

But I still want one.

I’d write a good book – probably. Writing is like any other art form, just because it’s not “high art” doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be commissioned. People (are you listening, publishers) should still pay for bad writing!

People would buy my book, and that’s all the publishers should be concerned about. It’s not about content, sales are about snazzy cover designs and New York Times Bestseller numbers (which I’m pretty sure you can pay some guy at the NYT to fake).

So, from a sales POV, it’s a lock. And from my POV getting paid to write a book is a great idea – So where’s my book deal?

I can write about anything! Sex, drugs, rock and roll (that would be a short book mostly about rock and roll), 80’s pop culture (an even shorter book, I spent the eighties in a parochial school and playing youth hockey – I didn’t even know pop culture existed until I caught an episode of “I love the 80’s” after I graduated college),

The rise and fall of American imperialism in the 1960’s (ha, kidding. One of the things I’m proudest of is that I didn’t take any history courses in college).

I could write a book about my one summer as a daredevil in a Las Vegas stage show, three shows a day, seven days a week (mostly “human cannonball” work, with the occasional “light-the-stunt-guy-on-fire” bit) and the short-lived marriage to a showgirl (annulled after three-days when I found out she was more of a “showguy” - if you know what I mean).

Look, I’ve got stories from here to wherever. Set anyplace, at any time, featuring any cast of characters you’d like to read about. All I’m looking for is some publishers to throw some money at me.

Book deal.


bam.
-t