"Stop being tall" isn't really a constructive solution to this problem

I used to ask people “what’s your biggest fear?” It’s a great ice breaker, really good for groups meeting for the first time. Try it next time you’re a high school teacher, or camp counselor, or resident assistant.

My answer was always “getting poked in the eye with an umbrella spoke.” Because man, that’s terrifying, right?

I mean, I’m not actually afraid of that, but it’s a good answer to the question. It’s unexpected and different. Beats the pants off of “spiders” or “heights.” Everybody’s afraid of spiders. Get over yourselves.

The point is it’s a fake fear. I joke about it, I say “I’m more afraid of actually hearing that “squishing” sound when the umbrella spoke hits you in the eye than I am of actually losing my site, or the pain it might cause.”

But it’s not true. In fact, I’m pretty sure I’ve got reflexes that are fast enough to keep my eyeballs safe and sound in their sockets, and I don’t like to worry about freak occurrences that might end up with an umbrella poking out of my eye, that’s just a slippery slope that will send you down a spiral of panic and paranoia.

I do have, however, an actual real fear that I had not realized previously. Ceiling fans.

I’m not kidding. We just installed a ceiling fan in every room of the new addition, that’s a 300% increase in ceiling fans in my house. And, you can discount the fan in the living room, it’s a ten-foot ceiling so there’s plenty of room between me and the blades. But the other two fans are up in the bedrooms, with typical eight-foot ceilings, which places the ceiling fans about six inches above my head, which is way too close for comfort.

I get jittery when I reach up to stretch my arms. I jump and dodge like the suckers are aiming for me. They’re not, I know they’re not. And I’ve seen that episode of Mythbusters where they tried to decapitate the dummy with a fan and ended up needing a lawn mower engine and machined steel blades to do any real damage but come on man blades spinning inches from your head? That’s terrifying.

If asked, I’ll still say “umbrella spoke in the eye” because that’s a funny answer. But really? Low ceiling fans.

-tgme