Can't comment? I'll meme then

I just tried to post a comment on John's blog

But I CAN'T because my stupid-ass backward Internet Explorer and Windows NT which haven't been updated since before I graduated from high school won’t display the visual word verification image.

So I can't prove I'm human, which might, at first glance, indicate that I am something other than human, perhaps a cyborg, or animal, plant, or superhero with cool mutant powers, or extraterrestrial being (with cool super powers) and lo, what flights of fancy those may be.

It is, however, (unfortunately), not the case. I am indeed human, and my work station sucks.

So, then, with commenting on any blog with "picture security to prove you're human" enabled now impossible I am going to spend my time on the following which I am making up as I go along

(heads up e$, this might be a meme)


If I were a ______ I would be _____

Cyborg
...Robocop (duh. coolest cyborg ever - leg gun, visor, and he has his own awesome police car)

Plant
...a Radish plant, because I tasted radishes once, and they've got a sharp distinct, biting flavor that I didn't like, but maybe would like to have. Also, the Doozer's building materials taste like radishes.

Android
...Data (come on you Star Trek fans, come on out of the woodwork let's see those tricorders!)

Animal
...Tiger (I'm going with the "if you had asked Tom when he was six years old" response to this one)

Extraterrestrial
...Superman (ha, I beat you to the answer to the next one! he's from Krypton, it still applies!)

Superhero
...Ironman (because I love gadgets, and he's got a billion different suits)

Astral being
...a Shade (I might do some quick research on this later, but I'm pretty sure shades are cool)

Historical Frenchman
...Napoleon (you thought I'd say "Louis Pasteur, didn't you? Well, I didn't. First, because I'm not entirely sure he's a French national, and second because I think that Napoleon commanded the kind of power and respect I would like to, also I've always wondered what it would be like to be short.)

Mineral
...Calcium (calcium's a mineral, right?)

Demon hunter
...Hellboy (don't judge him by the movie. just don't.)

Color
...Green (because it's easy)

Word
...Truth (because it's powerful, it can set you free, and, because it is featured heavily on the Colbert Report, the funniest show on television)

Post on this blog
...a Gilmore Girls post (because they get the most comments, and who doesn't love a long, rambly, off-topic, alternately goofy and sniping comment thread?)



Ok, feel free to borrow, copy, etc. Also, if any of you readers think I've mispegged myself in these categories let me know.

bam.
-t

We could talk if days weren't so fast

I tied out a fund this morning!

Ok, no. That's not true. But, I did input all of the information correctly and then identified one of the trades that wasn't booked. This is a big first step.

The next step is learning how to rebook that trade correctly. After that I need to learn what the hell a swap is.

Then I need to start getting more than six and a half hours of sleep every night. That's going to be tricky: I've got the Red Sox to watch, an all new season of Rescue Me just started on FX, I've got to finish the Xmen Xbox game and then play the sequel, I've got a Star Wars Lego Xbox game which is supposed to be great, and I just got my DS yesterday and I've been playing New Super Mario Bros. since, and that's a lot of fun.

Also, it's getting warmer, which means wiffleball.

Oh, and, and we're having an OPEN HOUSE PARTY on June 10th and all of you readers are invited. Leave me a comment or shoot me an email if you'd like to come. THIS MEANS YOU %n! (imagine that works like AIM - I'm not going to bother running scripts on the page). There will be wiffleball (obviously), and ping pong (ditto), cute little dogs, giant amounts of people (including siblings, cousins, (and John Stamos of Full House fame), food, beverages, and just loads of fun. (For testimonials ask Adina about the family xmas party). Also you'll get to see my awesome couch in person - but I probably won't let you touch it.


That's the Wednesday morning wrap-up.
-t

and this is the reindtroduction of the recommended download:
Ben Kweller, Falling
The Beatles, Good Morning

It's probably what I would have done

This morning we had a networked training seminar with the Bermuda team. Our trainer, June, was physically present in our training room and web-conferenced in with Bermuda.

She opened with "Ok, I know none of you have used this software ever before, so what do you think we should do to book this trade?"

It seems suggesting that HR present information in their training seminars will get you ignored, as they have decided to stick with the old policy of training-by-asking open-ended-questions-to-which-the-trainees-could-not-possibly-know-the-answer. Anyway.

Undoubtedly spurred on by the presence of the Bermuda people, our trainer galloped through the first thirty minutes of her presentation. She stopped a total of zero times for (our) questions.

Thus, presented with a new piece of software which I will never use, and ascertaining that the trainer was going to continue to do her best to avoid any and all interaction with the class (thereby maintaining the illusion of professionalism and competence she had established with the Bermuda folks) I decided to put my time to somewhat better use and cruise the internet.

There was one stoppage due to technical difficulties. Rather than listen to June talk to the Bermuda loud speaker ("Can you see the screen now? How about now? Ok? Are you there?"). Most of the class decided to grab some coffee from the conference room.

So, an hour and a half later, I wasn't paying attention when the presentation finally ended and was caught a little off-guard when the trainer started addressing the class again.

"Alright, that will look more familiar for those of you who use this on a daily basis. I guess that's it. Any questions?"

When the Bermuda loud speaker broke in:

"I'm sorry, June, what was that? We had you muted down here."


-t

Vs. The Red Baron of Troublevania

Troubleshooting. I like doing it. I like being good at it. I even like the word. It has "shooting" in it.

I imagine myself in my Sopwith Camel miles above a battlefield beset on all sides by Troubles. I nimbly navigate the skies, taking aim with my trusty machine gun, enemy fighters dropping like magflies around me.

The nickname, emblazoned in wide yellow script on the side of my fuselage, reads "The Troubleshooter."

Currently I am not doing any trouble shooting. I am disheartened to think that once I gain a better understanding of the job the most I can do is trouble shoot income problems on mutual funds.

I'd like to work somewhere that matters. Somewhere that the problems to solutions aren't "Great. Now these numbers are equal."

I would like to work someplace important. With people.

Trouble shooting miswired nuclear missles is important, but I lack the technical knowledge necessary.

Personal consultant to the rich and powerful.

Also, I would be really good as a "coolness consultant."

-t

Tooth Decay XP

Nothing to do.

We've got a lot of downtime. Surfing the internet, using company resources (specifically the email and web servers) for personal communications is prohibited in word only. Giant televisions are tuned to ESPN2 every other day for the live viewing of whatever sporting event happens to be on (coming soon: World Cup Soccer), and there are free softdrinks (lots of them), which I feel compelled to consume, for no other reason than to look busy.

I walk from my cubicle to the kitchen area a few times a day fueled by the belief that people seeing someone in motion will assume that they have a purpose, and are busy accomplishing their goals, and secondarily, by the fear of being labeled a slacker.

I AM NOT A SLACKER!!!

It's just there is nothing for me to do, and there is A LOT of downtime in between the times when I'm not doing anything.

But really, if not for the out of date operating system running on my computer, and this pathological fear of being labeled a slacker, this would be the sweetest set up ever. Eight hours a day to mess around online, and free Coke!

Oh, and there's no AIM. But a newer OS would be able to handle AIM Express or meebo no problem. And that would be sweet.


-t

A doer, not a fighter

This is not a strong training environment.

I have been here for almost two weeks and still don't know what I'm doing.

No, it's more than that. I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing.

The software system itself is very easy to use. I have no doubt that if I did understand exactly how this job works I would have no trouble at all performing to expectations.

It is, on the very surface, a simple job: Make sure the numbers they have match the numbers we have.

Just below the surface, however, there lies a good deal of poorly-designed spreadsheets, client interfaces, and what I am now tempted to call "a seeming black hole of effective training programs and staff."

I have sat with other team members and watched them do the job. It was boring (you may recall I fell asleep once (twice?)), and uninformative. I have actually done parts of the job with team members looking over my shoulder. Specifically, I have booked buys, sells, and options.

These tasks are executable ones. Each has a specific screen assigned on the system, each will accept only specific inputs. I have no trouble executing tasks.

I have even done the job. These last two days I have had a fund of my very own on my desk, I have tied it out, doing my best to wade through the confusion, muddled processing tips, and nonexistent training, support, and feedback, and finished the fund.

And I still don't know what I'm supposed to be doing.

I've been here almost two weeks and I do not know any more about this job than I did two and a half weeks ago. But the real kicker is this: No one seems to care.

I've heard some people describe me as a laid back guy. They're wrong. I'm not laid back (though I may be lazy). I like action, I thrive on responsibility, pressure, and deadlines. Balancing mutual funds may not (does not) matter in the great scheme of things, but not even caring about balancing mutual funds matters less. I may have hated my old job (I still hate my old job) but at least there I was doing something.

Not here. Here we're doing nothing. No deadlines, no pressure. I don't know what's going on and that's O.K. with them.

It's not O.K. with me. If things don't change around I'm leaving. I'm a doer. I want to do.

The busiest part of my day should not be eating four slices of pizza for lunch.

What I find most confusing is that that is the part of the day I understand the best.
-t

"Forwardfill" -or, alternatively- "Don't you ever think about other people!?" -or- "Catfight?"

--original message--
From: Christopher Wells
To: The Entire Building
Subject: Changes to the email system

Some of you will have noticed a change in the email system over the last few days. We have removed the forward fill functionality in the To: and CC: fields when you compose an email. This change was done as a risk mitigation procedure. In the past employees have inadvertently sent an email to the wrong address by using the forward fill functionality. I realize this may cause an inconvenience to some but I believe the benefits and ability to reduce email sent inadvertently outweigh the inconvenience.

Christopher Wells,
Head of Operations

--and the response--
From: L. Simon Murphy
To: Christopher Wells; The Entire Building
Subject: Re: Changes to the email system

Christopher,

Because a few of your people have made mistakes we have had had to have a unilateral change in our e-mail system is unbelivable. I am not sure if it occured to you but many e-mail users (like FCT) that have mega high volumes have been negatively impacted by this change.

The fact that your folks don't check to whom they are sending a e-mail does not seem to me to be a good reason to make such a change. Did you even think to check what the impact would be on other departments/groups within the company before you pushed for the change? What ever happened to checking with others that would be impacted before you push a change through?

It will cost other groups a considerable amount of time/money to comply with the change in procedure you initiated.

In the future, I would suggest that you consider the broader implications of changes to prescribe...you are not operating in an "operations only" environment.


Simon

L. Simon Murphy
Exec. Vice President

My life is so much harder than yours...

I just started a new job. It pays a lot better than my old one, but to get here on time I need to wake up an hour and a half earlier than I used to. That's a lot.

The MBTA has just switched the station closest to my house from the old token-driven system over to the new CharlieTicket system which means I need to purchase a small stored-value card some mornings to use at the station. Because this has to be done though an automated, easy-to-navigate, computerized vending machine this adds like thirty seconds on to my morning commute.

I arrive at work. For almost two weeks there has been nothing to do here at the new job. I struggle to keep myself occupied. (This would not be a struggle if AIM were allowed.) This game of "finding ways to keep busy" is also hindered by the company's firewall which blocks a staple: espn.com (fyi: gmail, hotmail, yahoomail, ebay, and gunsnammo.com are not blocked).

After six and a half to seven hours of this (with a one hour break for lunch)(and at least one fifteen minute break for coffee) I have to make my way back homeon the train. The stations near the office have not switched to the stored value card system yet, however, which means I still need to purchase tokens for my ride home. Two different mediums of exchange for the same transit system! Ridiculous! This makes my life exceedingly difficult.

After the cards/tokens have been sorted out and I arrive home the real hardships begin. I need to make a choice. A hard choice. I need to choose between playing my new Xbox video game, and watching the Red Sox game on NESN (assuming the Red Sox are playing). On the one hand, I enjoy playing these video games; on the other, I don't want to miss the baseball game, because I love baseball.

I almost invariably choose the Red Sox, which only leads to regret as I morosely anticipate another evening without console-fueled computer-generated violence and action. I sometimes find myself wishing the Red Sox would just score a few runs, and then get through the game as quickly as possible. Unfortunately, major league baseball games are usually two and a half hours long. That is a long time to wait to play video games.

But. I don't want to just go to bed after the game. My chore then becomes convincing myself to stay up a little later to fit everything in. "It's only midnight, a little RPG action won't hurt." Sometimes my brothers ask me to stay up and watch movies too.

Then I have to try and get just a few hours sleep before it all starts over again. Up an hour earlier, stored-value cards for the train, nothing to do at work. Also, the terminal I was assigned has an old-fashioned two-button mouse with no scroll wheel, and the keyboard is old too; the keys go "clackety-clackety-clack" when I type. But, hey, if it was easy, they wouldn't call it work, am I right?

-t

What do you think we should do?

I think I understand the placement of human resource personel: You take all the good people, the people who are quick, and understand the industry, the "doers," and you put them out on the floor, working with clients, making decisions, doing the job; then, you take all the other people, the people who aren't so quick, maybe can't do the job quite as well, maybe don't have quite as comprehensive an understanding of the industry, the people with much less actual experience, and you put them in charge of training.

I'd like to pass this along to any HR managers out there: Please print up a brochure for your trainers, one that says "Don't teach by asking questions." (Socrates in a moment...)

When the trainees (all two of us) are faced with a screen full of new menu options on an unfamiliar system the best instructional method is not to ask them "What do you think we need to do to book this trade?"

We don't know. That's why we're here. Instead of asking, you should be telling. This is not the Soratic Method. It's just stupid.

I am new to these funds. I do not have much experience. I am sure that the HR staffer in charge of my training class (of two people, btw) knows more objectively about the industry than I do at this point.

It is however, disconcerting when you (me) become convinced that, although the training office might know more than you, you (me) are almost certainly more intelligent.

This has happened before. Those who can't, teach. I don't mean high school, I mean corporate training classes.

The realization came when we (the both of us) were asked to download a text file to the desktop and open it in Microsoft Excel. We were instructed to right click the icon on the desktop and select "open with..." and choose "Excel."

Unfortunately the trainer's computer was running a different version of Windows than ours. We did not have the "open with..." option. I, used to this sort of software hiccup, started trying other ways to open the file. My first attempt consisted of double-clicking the file. This opened a dialog box which gave me an "open with..." dialog box. Excel was not an option so I clicked the "choose other program" button and browsed to Excel, and opened the file.

Double-click, browse, open.

Are there any of you out there that would not have tried the double-click?

The trainee next to me didn't. He was lost. He, (naturally?), asked
the trainer what to do. She came over to look at his screen. He said "I don't have 'open-with.'"

She responded with "huh, it should be there."

That is not a constructive, nor is it an instructive response.

Is that what I'm supposed to tell a client when they neex a report formatted in Excel? "Um. It should be there..."

No good. So, because I'm trying a new "helpful" thing at my new job, I leaned over and told them what to do. "Double-click." Ok, now, select program - no, you have to browse... Program files ... Microsoft Office ... Excel. Ok."

And the trainer simply beamed at me and as she walked back to her desk she said "Well, a computer guru!" Beaming.

I find it hard to learn when I'm the most intelligent person in the room.

I hope someone out there emails this post to me if I ever get a job as a training officer.
-t

Elementary

Happy Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's birthday!

I'm thinking about adding today to my calendar of "fake holidays that should be real so I don't have to go in to work."

No more updates for the rest of Sir Doyle's one hundred forty-seventh, though, because I'll be in training all day.

Cheerio!
-t

It's FAXTASTIC!

I just got this email. This is like, the third email I've received since I started. I quote:

Effective Friday, May 19^th 2006 Faxination will be implemented.

What this means:

• All incoming faxes will directly come into the Faxination Inbox via email. Note: Clients will continue to send the faxes to the current fax numbers, but the faxes will be forwarded automatically to the Faxination Mailbox in Outlook.
• The Faxination Mailbox will be monitored by our receptionist. She will forward the incoming faxes to Email Distribution Lists (DL) which have been set up in Outlook by Client name.
• The GM of each client is set as the owner of the Fax Email DL. It is the responsibility of the GM to keep these DL's updated with the current account team.

Attached are the detailed procedures for the Faxination Fax Distribution and Reconcilation process.

If you have any questions, please let me know.

Best regards

I hate faxes, I can't stand them. We are surrounded by a world of technology. There is no reason NO REASON that documents have to be scanned, convereted into an AUDIO STREAM, and sent OVER LAND LINE PHONE WIRES. I am all for email instead of fax. But I couldn't help laughing at the name. It's faxtastic.

-t

The poor man's blogger.com

I'm blogging on post-it notes. Blue ones.

What you'r reading is a (transaction... translation... Transylvanian? no,) transcription of the scrawl written on a 2" x 2" square of paper backed with light adhesive, folded twice, and slipped surreptitiously (ha, got it on the first try) into my shirt pocket to avoid the crack security
team that patrols the building.

More updates later, if I can read my handwriting.

-t

Today I ALMOST fell asleep (again)

I sat at my desk for four hours today. Straight. With nothing to do.

So I read the giant binder of corporate policies. Of special note: the "use of internet and instant messaging" policy. Which states, very explicitly, that any and all use of the internet for any reasons that are not business related is strictly prohibited. STRICTLY PROHIBITED.

Even Google isn't cool.

However, the policing of the policy seems to be left entirely to the honor system. If I am even one-tenth as bored once I start doing actual work as I have been these last two days you will certainly see how much I can push the honor system.

But for right now I'm going to just sit, and hope...and probably sleep.

-tgme

Nothing for me to do

I've been sleeping until noon for almost two weeks straight. Getting up at six-thirty fo rhte first day of the new job was a terrible idea.

A necessary idea, because showing up two hours late to the new job on the first day is a more terrible idea.

So I got up at six-thirty (but actually hit the snooze until seven-fifteen). I showered, I stumbled out the door.

There was nothing for me to do at the office. Apparently they are very busy the first five days of the month, otherwise there is only a little bit of work to be done on a day-to-day basis.

Today, being the exact middle of the month, was very slow. There was nothing for the regular employees to do, nevermind me, the guy who doesn't even know how to do anything yet because they've scheduled my training session for their accounting software for monday and tuesday of next week.

I have a week to do nothing.

I can't even cruise the internet because I don't have a system password yet.

So I'm supposed to sit with the one guy in the group that actually does have something to do. It's very boring, he doesn't talk much, and when he does talk he takes his time. Like, seven minutes between each word.

It's early, I've woken way sooner today than I have in the last fortnight. There's nothing to do. He's not a conversationalist. It's quiet in the office. (Super quiet).

So, ok, I may have drifted off while sitting there in this guy's cube while I'm supposed to be learning. And by "drifted off" I mean "fell asleep with my head in my hands."



They let me leave at two-thirty.


-tgme

I can't believe I have to start work again in less than twelve hours

GAH. Listen, choosing between working and not working?

Not working takes the cake.


I'm going to have to start playing the lottery so I can start winning it.

-tgme

I now have a tattoo

I have a tattoo. No, you cannot see it, though I know you want to.

Really, I know that, as soon as you read that, you thought "gee, I wish I could see the tattoo."

Well, you can't.

It's a dragon. It's on my right shoulder blade. It's awesome. yay.


-t

This post isn't about Gilmore Girls (but I'll mention them at the end)

Last Wednesday I arrived in Birmingham. Unbeknownst to me Samantha had just signed a lease for a new apartment. I'd arrived just in time to help her move. (Her dad also drove up to help.)

Thursday, though, after the move, we went to a baseball game. Sweet. The Birmingham Barons played the Phoenix Suns (the minor league baseball team, not those NBA guys). The home town team won. Also, it's what they call "Thirsty Thursday" the night when all beers on tap (Budweiser and Bud Light) are only a dollar, one dollar!

I don't remember what happened Friday.

Saturday something happened, and there were some people there, and it was cool.

Sunday we went to see Mission:Impossible:III, and it was awesome.

Monday we drove to Atlanta to see the Bodies exhibit (dead people without skin, awesome). After that we drove to Sam's home town. I met her sisters and her mom. They loved me. (And no one can blame them.)

Tuesday I flew back. There were some problems. It's ok. I'm over it. I'm moving on. I'm not talking about it.

So, wen I got home WEDNESDAY, (no, no, it's ok, I'm over it), I planted myself in front of the television to catch up on the week's sports highlights. I also caught an episode of the Gilmore Girls (the one where Rory kisses Dean) and the whole time I just had one thought (which I tried to call Adina at the office and tell her but didn't get through (it's ok, Adina, I understand if you've blocked my number, there are only so many Gilmore related phone calls you can receive at work before catching some heat)) was this: I don't like Dean.

Now I'm waiting on the Red Sox game. Welcome back to the blog-o-sphere-opolis.

-tgme

Back from the dead

Apologies for the lack of posts. I've been on vacation and had intended to post something to that effect prior to leaving, but blogger was down.

Hence, no posts for a week. More later.

-t

Television is more important than...

Everything?

Seriously, I've beeen watching a lot of TV lately.

An engagement on the Gilmore Girls (I had to call Adina right then and tell her I'd seen it. She was very exciting but tried very hard to get off the phone with me, apparently it's not cool to call during "business hours").

Lots of Star Trek The Next Generation. I fell in love with this show when it was running in syndication on the WB back in the day. Three o'clock, get home from school, watch Batman the animated series and Gargoyles. Four o'clock to six o'clock, homework. Six to seven, dinner.

Then, seven o'clock, Star Trek: TNG reruns. It was awesome.

I've also been sleeping quite a bit, and I haven't been checking blogs like I used to...

BUT this site was keeping me up all hours of the night www.isketch.net until the server went down. Online pictionary. It's sweet.

That's it for now. I'll be offline for the rest of the week. Plans include going to see THE AMAZING MISSION IMPOSSIBLE THREE. woo. Tom Cruise is crazy, but he's a hell of an action star. Also, Felecity is awesome.

-tgme