I have a cold. As instructed by the best folk remedy, I am feeding it (mostly coffee). To distract myself from the sinus headache I am reading funny things online, like
This hilarious exchange.
Update: the link seems to be timing out, here's the google cache
Two observations: (1) I love science, and (2) Parenting is probably the most fun thing to do ever.
-t
Thursday, February 05, 2009
Wednesday, February 04, 2009
Hard Times At Ridgemont High
Even though my company stayed well away from the short-selling mortgage-backed system-wide bankruptcy we are still feeling the pinch.
While our capital and market holdings are safe, our projected income for the next few years is going to dwindle as more and more of our clients are affected. So they have instituted a number of cutbacks in order to save some money during these lean times, like:
(a) no pay raises until further notice
(b) no bonuses for 2009
(c) all printers have been reset to default to two-sided printing, cutting our paper consumption in half (this deserves its own mini-post)
But, solid as our savings and planning may be, some folks are still getting clipped, like Roberto, a supervisor on the other side of the floor. He got the axe yesterday afternoon after chronically poor performance reviews (as told by a gossiping manager, "a habitual under-performer").
He was fired yesterday afternoon because he rolled in at eleven and missed the 9AM meeting they'd called to fire him.
Firings during a recession wouldn't surprise anyone, someone up and quitting with no notice will come as a surprise.
No. Not me. I know you were all thinking that. I may love quitting, but I'm not crazy enough to quit with zero prospects in a tanking financial climate.
There was, however, someone that crazy on the night shift!
So we were called into an emergency meeting Monday and told that an irate employee quit the night team with no notice that day and they needed a volunteer to replace him for the next five weeks.
So I volunteered, it might make a nice change of pace.
Unfortunately, they haven't told me yet if I'm going to get it. There may be other volunteers, availability may be an issue, etc. I was supposed to find out yesterday afternoon (this is an emergency fill-in, after all), but, nothing.
Until this morning a girl from the cash team shows up, out of the blue, and sits down with one of our trade guys to "train" on the trade system.
Indications point to me not getting the night shift gig.
Which is a shame, new hours (11PM-7AM), an interesting new sleep schedule (maybe 8AM-12PM, 6PM-8PM?), a new team (full of transplanted Dubliners ready for befriending), and an excuse to drink at seven-thirty in the morning ("a hell of a day at work").
It would have been only for the next five weeks, so I'd get back to regular hours before getting the insomnia-induced madness ("Every time something good happens to me you say it's some kind of madness, or I'm drunk, or I ate too much candy!"). Or, if I flourished, I could request a permanent move to nocturnal hours (like Batman).
But now, like a Superbowl victory, it looks like it's not in the cards.
-t
P.S. to those of you looking for references to Fast Times At Ridgemont High, as indicated by the headline, there aren't any, I've never seen it, and therefore have no jokes.
While our capital and market holdings are safe, our projected income for the next few years is going to dwindle as more and more of our clients are affected. So they have instituted a number of cutbacks in order to save some money during these lean times, like:
(a) no pay raises until further notice
(b) no bonuses for 2009
(c) all printers have been reset to default to two-sided printing, cutting our paper consumption in half (this deserves its own mini-post)
But, solid as our savings and planning may be, some folks are still getting clipped, like Roberto, a supervisor on the other side of the floor. He got the axe yesterday afternoon after chronically poor performance reviews (as told by a gossiping manager, "a habitual under-performer").
He was fired yesterday afternoon because he rolled in at eleven and missed the 9AM meeting they'd called to fire him.
Firings during a recession wouldn't surprise anyone, someone up and quitting with no notice will come as a surprise.
No. Not me. I know you were all thinking that. I may love quitting, but I'm not crazy enough to quit with zero prospects in a tanking financial climate.
There was, however, someone that crazy on the night shift!
So we were called into an emergency meeting Monday and told that an irate employee quit the night team with no notice that day and they needed a volunteer to replace him for the next five weeks.
So I volunteered, it might make a nice change of pace.
Unfortunately, they haven't told me yet if I'm going to get it. There may be other volunteers, availability may be an issue, etc. I was supposed to find out yesterday afternoon (this is an emergency fill-in, after all), but, nothing.
Until this morning a girl from the cash team shows up, out of the blue, and sits down with one of our trade guys to "train" on the trade system.
Indications point to me not getting the night shift gig.
Which is a shame, new hours (11PM-7AM), an interesting new sleep schedule (maybe 8AM-12PM, 6PM-8PM?), a new team (full of transplanted Dubliners ready for befriending), and an excuse to drink at seven-thirty in the morning ("a hell of a day at work").
It would have been only for the next five weeks, so I'd get back to regular hours before getting the insomnia-induced madness ("Every time something good happens to me you say it's some kind of madness, or I'm drunk, or I ate too much candy!"). Or, if I flourished, I could request a permanent move to nocturnal hours (like Batman).
But now, like a Superbowl victory, it looks like it's not in the cards.
-t
P.S. to those of you looking for references to Fast Times At Ridgemont High, as indicated by the headline, there aren't any, I've never seen it, and therefore have no jokes.
Friday, January 30, 2009
Just BE-CAUSE
When I was in fourth grade I decided to speak more intelligently. I had noticed that speaking in a Boston accent can sometimes make a person seem stupid. Un-educated.
So, from that realization, through high school and some of college, I did my best to minimize the soft r's and enunciate.
After graduation, however, I began falling back into the old speech patterns. I didn't give it much thought.
Until today, when I heard myself give an explanation for a trade variance that began with "cuz" instead of "because" - it wasn't even an abbreviated because ('cause), it was chopped all the way down to a "word" almost phonetically indistinguishable from "cud" (ew)! This is a place of business! Finance! Learned men and women think here! WE DO NOT WORK IN A BARN! And I thought to myself, "I sound like a jackass. Knock it off."
So I will. No more saying "cuz." or "S'an-thing" instead of "Is there anything." I'm sure there are more. It's disheartening, sometimes, but no longer...
ELOQUENCE IS BACK
-t
So, from that realization, through high school and some of college, I did my best to minimize the soft r's and enunciate.
After graduation, however, I began falling back into the old speech patterns. I didn't give it much thought.
Until today, when I heard myself give an explanation for a trade variance that began with "cuz" instead of "because" - it wasn't even an abbreviated because ('cause), it was chopped all the way down to a "word" almost phonetically indistinguishable from "cud" (ew)! This is a place of business! Finance! Learned men and women think here! WE DO NOT WORK IN A BARN! And I thought to myself, "I sound like a jackass. Knock it off."
So I will. No more saying "cuz." or "S'an-thing" instead of "Is there anything." I'm sure there are more. It's disheartening, sometimes, but no longer...
ELOQUENCE IS BACK
-t
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Zur!
txting has become very important to me since I purchased a phone with QWERTY keypad. Quickly punching out respond-at-your-lesiure mobile-to-mobile queries is more valuable to me than email, IM, or voice.
No need to worry about interrupting someone with a voice call while they are earnestly trying to do something important (writing a blog post?); You don't have to worry about Ms Manners' email protocol, signatures, auto-inserts, or subject lines; and you don't need to worry about your recipient being "online" the txt hovers in the ether until they power up their phone.
No down side! Plus, they can't block it at work! (unlike gmail, AIM, facebook, etc etc)
And, if you're still stuck on a standard 1-9 alphabet layout T-9 txt entry can provide hilarious suggestions for your slang, in-jokes, and uncommon grammar.
I realize that, in the past, I may have belittled txting (I seem to remember a post written specifically to rail against the word "txting") but I'm writing now to let you all know that I have come around:
I <3 txting.
-t
No need to worry about interrupting someone with a voice call while they are earnestly trying to do something important (writing a blog post?); You don't have to worry about Ms Manners' email protocol, signatures, auto-inserts, or subject lines; and you don't need to worry about your recipient being "online" the txt hovers in the ether until they power up their phone.
No down side! Plus, they can't block it at work! (unlike gmail, AIM, facebook, etc etc)
And, if you're still stuck on a standard 1-9 alphabet layout T-9 txt entry can provide hilarious suggestions for your slang, in-jokes, and uncommon grammar.
I realize that, in the past, I may have belittled txting (I seem to remember a post written specifically to rail against the word "txting") but I'm writing now to let you all know that I have come around:
I <3 txting.
-t
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Conservation of Caffeine
I'm switching up from regular coffee to espresso-based drinks. I need the caffeine.
I don't plan on frequenting Starbucks, the waiting is interminable (and so are the customers!) and the prices are way too high.
I hope Dunkin' Donuts does a good latte.
The only other option, I think, is to get an ultra-caffeinated coffee option.
Where does the caffeine removed from de-caf go? Can't we find a way to re-insert that stimulant into the process? Is it just lost? Gone forever?
I'm going to apply for a grant from the NSF for the further study of my Law of Conservation of Caffeine. Like the Angular Momentum, or Energy, but for coffee. I imagine this will have some far-reaching ramifications.
De-caf, regular, Hi-caf coffees.
How much prize money comes with the Nobel Award?
-t
I don't plan on frequenting Starbucks, the waiting is interminable (and so are the customers!) and the prices are way too high.
I hope Dunkin' Donuts does a good latte.
The only other option, I think, is to get an ultra-caffeinated coffee option.
Where does the caffeine removed from de-caf go? Can't we find a way to re-insert that stimulant into the process? Is it just lost? Gone forever?
I'm going to apply for a grant from the NSF for the further study of my Law of Conservation of Caffeine. Like the Angular Momentum, or Energy, but for coffee. I imagine this will have some far-reaching ramifications.
De-caf, regular, Hi-caf coffees.
How much prize money comes with the Nobel Award?
-t
Monday, January 26, 2009
Last Complaint For A While
I've been bored out of my mind for six months, at least.
You would think six months of boredom would resolve itself into imaginative blog posts. Lots of them. It's certainly what I would expect.
Unfortunately, for you, readers, this isn't your typical "There's nothing to doooo, I'm booooored" boredom. Instead it is the boredom associated with seemingly endless busy work.
I am responsible for completing activities that require little to no though at all, leaving my mind free to wander, and my typing fingers shackled to the keyboard. Forever.
Even my vaunted efficiency is no help, as there really is no end in sight.
Formerly (you remember hypermanager, and the stupid kid, right?), my days would start with an avalanche of busy work, an hour break near lunchtime, another hour of work, then nothing to do until quitting time. This left ample opportunities to consider, compose, and creatively format entries.
Later, I spent some time doing zero work for eight hours a day and getting paid. That was too much to take.
And now I don't have one minute's peace for eight hours a day, five days a week. Plenty of space in the cerebellum for imagination, wrestling of weighty social issues, hilarious puns; no time for typing.
These ideas, topics, without an outlet, bounce around in my brain, jumble, until they are no longer recognizable. The consequence, for you, is there is never anything new here.
However, I was recently asked what vice I would be giving up for Lent (a Catholic season of spiritual preparation for the celebratin of the Easter holiday), and have just decided to give up: whining.
In addition to giving up something negative, or self-indulgent, for Lent, it is also encouraged, to do more of something positive.
So I'm also going to post more. Maybe even every day.
Here's hoping practice improves my style.
-t
You would think six months of boredom would resolve itself into imaginative blog posts. Lots of them. It's certainly what I would expect.
Unfortunately, for you, readers, this isn't your typical "There's nothing to doooo, I'm booooored" boredom. Instead it is the boredom associated with seemingly endless busy work.
I am responsible for completing activities that require little to no though at all, leaving my mind free to wander, and my typing fingers shackled to the keyboard. Forever.
Even my vaunted efficiency is no help, as there really is no end in sight.
Formerly (you remember hypermanager, and the stupid kid, right?), my days would start with an avalanche of busy work, an hour break near lunchtime, another hour of work, then nothing to do until quitting time. This left ample opportunities to consider, compose, and creatively format entries.
Later, I spent some time doing zero work for eight hours a day and getting paid. That was too much to take.
And now I don't have one minute's peace for eight hours a day, five days a week. Plenty of space in the cerebellum for imagination, wrestling of weighty social issues, hilarious puns; no time for typing.
These ideas, topics, without an outlet, bounce around in my brain, jumble, until they are no longer recognizable. The consequence, for you, is there is never anything new here.
However, I was recently asked what vice I would be giving up for Lent (a Catholic season of spiritual preparation for the celebratin of the Easter holiday), and have just decided to give up: whining.
In addition to giving up something negative, or self-indulgent, for Lent, it is also encouraged, to do more of something positive.
So I'm also going to post more. Maybe even every day.
Here's hoping practice improves my style.
-t
Monday, January 19, 2009
Hakcers! Help!
Dear Internet,
I would like to leverage your collective intelligence/experience/deviousness to solve a problem:
The kid that sits behind me plays (sucky) pandora music all day through his computer speakers. I would like to disable the speakers without disabling playback through the headphone jack (so disabling the soundcard is out)
Any ideas? Any command line code I can input when he gets up for a glass of water?
Ideally something that won't be a trivial fix for him, (so "mute all" is out)
Thanks, Internet!
-t
PS someday I will learn to speak a language more advanced that html (which, is probably not a language anyway, and almost certainly not rigorous)
I would like to leverage your collective intelligence/experience/deviousness to solve a problem:
The kid that sits behind me plays (sucky) pandora music all day through his computer speakers. I would like to disable the speakers without disabling playback through the headphone jack (so disabling the soundcard is out)
Any ideas? Any command line code I can input when he gets up for a glass of water?
Ideally something that won't be a trivial fix for him, (so "mute all" is out)
Thanks, Internet!
-t
PS someday I will learn to speak a language more advanced that html (which, is probably not a language anyway, and almost certainly not rigorous)
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Reading
John's response to an entirely ordinary email:
Sent via BlackBerry fromT-Mobile A BAR.
-t
Driuuuuuuuunbk can't readf thid omg
Sent via BlackBerry from
-t
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Reading
For the past seven years, [GEO600] has been looking for gravitational waves - ripples in space-time thrown off by super-dense astronomical objects such as neutron stars and black holes. GEO600 has not detected any gravitational waves so far, but it might inadvertently have made the most important discovery in physics for half a century. [link]
Fascinating article indicating our existence may be a three-dimensional holographic projection of interactions happening on the two-dimensional space that is the edge of the universe.
-t
[This inevitably led to ana fternoon spent perusing the New Scientist archives.]
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
The Present Dead Are Hilarious
Emphasis mine:
What they don't tell you is the present dead all sound exactly like Bruce Campbell.
-t
Researchers from Durham University (queried, we believe) 200 non-smoking participants, taking into account their intake of tea, coffee, energy drinks, caffeine pills or coffee consumed on an average day as well as their propensity to see things that were not there, hear voices, and/or sense the presence of the dead.[via gizmodo]
What they don't tell you is the present dead all sound exactly like Bruce Campbell.
-t
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Ariel vs. Bender
I think we can all agree that the awesomest classes of humanoids are ninjas, pirates, robots, and zombies. Age old questions, of course, follow these groups around the internet like rim shots after a bad joke. You may even be aware of the video game "Pirates vs. Ninjas Dodgeball"
So, I often ponder the very question, who would win in a fight?
But, I always seem to run into problems; One, the classic rock-paper-scissors circle, and, Two, the inclusivity problem.
The Inclusivity Problem can be phrased as a question: What if there is another category of awesome thing that can fight?
The primary example is, of course, aliens. Even restricting ourselves to simply humanoid aliens there are still an uncountable number to choose from (ALF, ET, the worm guys, Zim, Wookies, etc, etc) but each of them may possess some incredible power (Ben 10) useful in an offensive or defensive capacity.
And we could go on all day about aliens, but I am even more concerned with the rest of the categories. Who else are we forgetting?
Mutants? Mermaids? Playwrites? Cryptids? What sort of strange and magical battles could we be speculating on?
Consider, Shakespeare vs. Zombie; Yeti vs. Pirate; Robot vs. Mermaid (on land - in water?)
This is exactly why Celebrity Deathmatch should never have been taken off the air.
-t
So, I often ponder the very question, who would win in a fight?
But, I always seem to run into problems; One, the classic rock-paper-scissors circle, and, Two, the inclusivity problem.
The Inclusivity Problem can be phrased as a question: What if there is another category of awesome thing that can fight?
The primary example is, of course, aliens. Even restricting ourselves to simply humanoid aliens there are still an uncountable number to choose from (ALF, ET, the worm guys, Zim, Wookies, etc, etc) but each of them may possess some incredible power (Ben 10) useful in an offensive or defensive capacity.
And we could go on all day about aliens, but I am even more concerned with the rest of the categories. Who else are we forgetting?
Mutants? Mermaids? Playwrites? Cryptids? What sort of strange and magical battles could we be speculating on?
Consider, Shakespeare vs. Zombie; Yeti vs. Pirate; Robot vs. Mermaid (on land - in water?)
This is exactly why Celebrity Deathmatch should never have been taken off the air.
-t
Tuesday, January 06, 2009
(A)Dressing Down
Christmas - A Summation:
One of the best gifts given or received this past Christmas was a book of puzzles by Frank Lewis (Cryptic Crosswords)
Every clue is a brain-teaser, each puzzle has almost sixty clues, based on wordplay, and the book has fifty puzzles, and, the best part, MOST OF THEM ARE PUNS.
Example: A count of the anit-Sandinista forces jokes, or, how Bach composed? (14)
A fourteen letter word that makes sense. Go. Let me know when you need a hint.
Other fun gifts:
A sampler pack of Tabasco brand pepper sauce. (Original, Mild, Habanero, Sweet & Spicy, Garlic, and Chipotle); Chicken Pox (among other giant microbes); and this kick-ass hooded sweatshirt.
New Year's Eve - A Summation:
Nashville is not all it's cracked up to be; mafia (a game designed to mimic criminal behavior and mob mentality) was ruined, ironically, by rule breaking; there was some delicious food; a painted whore of mythical proportions; and the largest collection of pretentious college kids I've seen since my time at BU.
Also margaritas and chauffeuring and loud, drunken, underage, hotel neighbor arguments at 3AM.
Suck it, 2009.
Resolutions - A Summation:
-t
One of the best gifts given or received this past Christmas was a book of puzzles by Frank Lewis (Cryptic Crosswords)
Every clue is a brain-teaser, each puzzle has almost sixty clues, based on wordplay, and the book has fifty puzzles, and, the best part, MOST OF THEM ARE PUNS.
Example: A count of the anit-Sandinista forces jokes, or, how Bach composed? (14)
A fourteen letter word that makes sense. Go. Let me know when you need a hint.
Other fun gifts:
A sampler pack of Tabasco brand pepper sauce. (Original, Mild, Habanero, Sweet & Spicy, Garlic, and Chipotle); Chicken Pox (among other giant microbes); and this kick-ass hooded sweatshirt.
New Year's Eve - A Summation:
Nashville is not all it's cracked up to be; mafia (a game designed to mimic criminal behavior and mob mentality) was ruined, ironically, by rule breaking; there was some delicious food; a painted whore of mythical proportions; and the largest collection of pretentious college kids I've seen since my time at BU.
Also margaritas and chauffeuring and loud, drunken, underage, hotel neighbor arguments at 3AM.
Suck it, 2009.
Resolutions - A Summation:
- Party more often in places that start with a "B" (like Boston, Birmingham, and Baltimore)
- Plan for retirement by purchasing stock in companies that share my economic, environmental, or philosophical precepts (Ted's Montanna Grille, Chipotle, Tesla Motors, Virtucon)
- Take my blogging inspiration from Sister Act II.
- Marry (in 2009)
- Keep the faith
- twitter more, and better
- add more T9 typing mishaps to my slang lexicon ("holy bras!" "zur" etc. (post coming soon))
- reduce my dependence on int-er-net memes.
- and support more things I enjoy online, like pandora, and wikipedia.org
-t
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Where To Find The Meaning Of Life
Wikipedia needs your help. Be honest, you use it ALL THE TIME. I do. And now they're running out of money.
Donate!
Wikipedia is never wrong.
-t
Plus, tax deductible (...probably).
Favorite wikipedia stuff:
Wikipedia is never wrong.
-t
Plus, tax deductible (...probably).
Favorite wikipedia stuff:
- Browsing aerodynamics, especially Military and Experimental Aircraft which always leads to the Flying Bathtub
- Coconut Crabs, part of the fascinating Christmas Island ecosystem (red crabs, and the Yellow Crazy Ant)
- And, obviously, the Random Article feature
Monday, December 15, 2008
All Wrapped Up
Promote holiday cheer and good gift wrapping techniques!
Those of you who, like me (and Biggie), are excellent wrappers won't need to follow this link - but for those of you who are terrible wrappers (Stephen) it will be well worth the look.
Though, for those of you who are very good wrappers, but only want to seem terrible (Van Winkle) you can go here to find gifts wrapped poorly by design.
Happy holidays!
-t
Those of you who, like me (and Biggie), are excellent wrappers won't need to follow this link - but for those of you who are terrible wrappers (Stephen) it will be well worth the look.
Though, for those of you who are very good wrappers, but only want to seem terrible (Van Winkle) you can go here to find gifts wrapped poorly by design.
Happy holidays!
-t
Friday, December 12, 2008
Form Meets Function
Perfect!
This will fit very nicely in my headquarters villainous decor. Video conferencing with world leaders as I held their countries hostage from this chair would definitely add the air of menace that's been missing so far.
I've emailed the company to inquire about adding a remote-controlled laser cannon to the canopy. I'll keep you posted.
-t
This will fit very nicely in my headquarters villainous decor. Video conferencing with world leaders as I held their countries hostage from this chair would definitely add the air of menace that's been missing so far.
I've emailed the company to inquire about adding a remote-controlled laser cannon to the canopy. I'll keep you posted.
-t
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Reader Participation Week! [Post 1]
Quotes Game (via Eileen
(a) Post one quote from each of your 15 favorite movies.
(b) When a reader guesses the movie correctly, post their name and strike the quote.
(c) Memory/guesswork only.
01.I can be in the NBA. I'm tall, I like to wear shorts. Hook! Hook! Dunk! Dunk! Baby, I'm all about three points [Good Will Hunting] Eileen
02.Tell me about an ambush. I ambushed you with a cup of coffee! [Ronin] Hetherjw
03.Watch out, the yellow ones don't stop! [Elf] Eileen
04.Metaman, express elevator! Dynaguy, snagged on takeoff! Splashdown, sucked into a vortex! No capes! [The Incredibles] Laura
05. I believe it our fate to be here. It is our destiny. I believe this night holds for each and every one of us, the very meaning of our lives.
06. Three-two-six three-eight-two-seven!
07. Now when I created the World...
08.So you're telling me there's a chance! [Dumb and Dumber] Eileen
09. 'La ola es mia.' 'the wave is mine'...I spoke Spanish in my dream!
10. With friends like you who needs friends?
11. Why would a reviewer make the point of saying someone's *not* a genius? Do you especially think I'm *not* a genius? You didn't even have to think about it, did you?
12. Only when I cease to breathe will I be dead,
13. I may not make an honest buck, but I'm 100% American...
14. We were taxiing out to the runway, right? And we, you know, we kind of hit a moose. No, the moose is fine, but we gotta make sure that the plane's all right, so some of the boys are pushing it back so these guys can take a look at it. Patti, the moose is okay. He ran off. I saw it.
15. Now get back to the stands before I shave off half your mustache and shove it up your left nostril.
[Bonus quote: same movie as #15: "Those Yankees are real turds."]
-t
(a) Post one quote from each of your 15 favorite movies.
(b) When a reader guesses the movie correctly, post their name and strike the quote.
(c) Memory/guesswork only.
01.
02.
03.
04.
05. I believe it our fate to be here. It is our destiny. I believe this night holds for each and every one of us, the very meaning of our lives.
06. Three-two-six three-eight-two-seven!
07. Now when I created the World...
08.
09. 'La ola es mia.' 'the wave is mine'...I spoke Spanish in my dream!
10. With friends like you who needs friends?
11. Why would a reviewer make the point of saying someone's *not* a genius? Do you especially think I'm *not* a genius? You didn't even have to think about it, did you?
12. Only when I cease to breathe will I be dead,
13. I may not make an honest buck, but I'm 100% American...
14. We were taxiing out to the runway, right? And we, you know, we kind of hit a moose. No, the moose is fine, but we gotta make sure that the plane's all right, so some of the boys are pushing it back so these guys can take a look at it. Patti, the moose is okay. He ran off. I saw it.
15. Now get back to the stands before I shave off half your mustache and shove it up your left nostril.
[Bonus quote: same movie as #15: "Those Yankees are real turds."]
-t
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
A Really Long December
The kid behind me WILL NOT STOP with the radio playing. GET SOME HEADPHONES.
I have used up all my passive-aggressive plays, and I am sick of using my own headphones solely to block the early ninties soft rock streaming from his computer. Counting Crows haven't been relevant in a decade, and you really have to STOP tapping your desk in time with Ants Marching! Seriously. Pandora is great for listening to music you like. You know what else is great? KEEPING IT TO YOURSELF.
He did just get up from his desk without locking his computer...I'm going to disable his sound card.
-t
PS - welcome back to "I hate work" at blogspot.com
I have used up all my passive-aggressive plays, and I am sick of using my own headphones solely to block the early ninties soft rock streaming from his computer. Counting Crows haven't been relevant in a decade, and you really have to STOP tapping your desk in time with Ants Marching! Seriously. Pandora is great for listening to music you like. You know what else is great? KEEPING IT TO YOURSELF.
He did just get up from his desk without locking his computer...I'm going to disable his sound card.
-t
PS - welcome back to "I hate work" at blogspot.com
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Achievers
I've noticed decreasing number of references to how much I hate work here, and an increasing number of references to video games. This is due to the fact that I spend most of my time at one or playing the other.
I should probably be (first person) shooting for a different audience.
-t
I should probably be (first person) shooting for a different audience.
Left the house t-shirt design @ © SplitReason.com
-t
Monday, November 24, 2008
After Week-Long DGD Hangover
I needed something to pick me up:
comics.com
Happy Thanksgiving Week, and welcome back. I'm trying to return to a semi-regular posting schedule, so start warming up those RSS readers.
-t
comics.com
Happy Thanksgiving Week, and welcome back. I'm trying to return to a semi-regular posting schedule, so start warming up those RSS readers.
-t
Tuesday, November 04, 2008
President Elect
My ideal election day would look like this:
After waking early and lining up for the opening of my local polling place, voting, and getting a sticker I would
Return home, NOT go to work, plunk down in front of my multiple monitor setup:
(1) television hooked up to my xbox for playing Call of Duty 4 and discussing polling results and pundit predictions with others online (while "fragging n00bs")
(1) television set to automatically skip from MSNBC to CNN to CSPAN every five to seven minutes (with the top-of-the-hour check on Fox News)
(1) computer running multiple tabs including but not limited to fivethirtyeight.com, youtube, google reader, and some news aggregate site, let's say Yahoo.
Also, there would be snacks.
Then, near 6 o'clock, when the projections and predictions start rolling in for real, I would tune each monitor to a different network, run them all simultaneously and cheer/boo every result as it is announced.
And, snacks.
-t
After waking early and lining up for the opening of my local polling place, voting, and getting a sticker I would
Return home, NOT go to work, plunk down in front of my multiple monitor setup:
(1) television hooked up to my xbox for playing Call of Duty 4 and discussing polling results and pundit predictions with others online (while "fragging n00bs")
(1) television set to automatically skip from MSNBC to CNN to CSPAN every five to seven minutes (with the top-of-the-hour check on Fox News)
(1) computer running multiple tabs including but not limited to fivethirtyeight.com, youtube, google reader, and some news aggregate site, let's say Yahoo.
Also, there would be snacks.
Then, near 6 o'clock, when the projections and predictions start rolling in for real, I would tune each monitor to a different network, run them all simultaneously and cheer/boo every result as it is announced.
And, snacks.
-t
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Friday, October 17, 2008
I, For One, Welcome Our New Google Overlords
Two points to make regarding Google
(1) YouTube is now the second largest search engine in the world, surpassing Yahoo (finally, man, the only thing Yahoo seems to have left is sports (which is still top notch!)).
and
(2) Google just updated their iGoogle hompeage, including the gmail widget so that now I HAVE FULL ACCESS TO GMAIL FROM WITHIN THE GOOGLE HOMEPAGE!
Which is totally wicked.
Previously, google (helpfully) displayed the number of unread messages in the inbox and displayed the senders and subject line of the most recent 10 emails received.
NOW I HAVE FULL ACCESS!
Which is great, since gmail.com itself is still blocked at work.
I am going to enjoy this until the IT department figures out a way to block it.
Way to go Google.
-t
(1) YouTube is now the second largest search engine in the world, surpassing Yahoo (finally, man, the only thing Yahoo seems to have left is sports (which is still top notch!)).
and
(2) Google just updated their iGoogle hompeage, including the gmail widget so that now I HAVE FULL ACCESS TO GMAIL FROM WITHIN THE GOOGLE HOMEPAGE!
Which is totally wicked.
Previously, google (helpfully) displayed the number of unread messages in the inbox and displayed the senders and subject line of the most recent 10 emails received.
NOW I HAVE FULL ACCESS!
Which is great, since gmail.com itself is still blocked at work.
I am going to enjoy this until the IT department figures out a way to block it.
Way to go Google.
-t
Monday, October 13, 2008
Axel F.
Suck it, Verizon software!
I've been trying for a while to set custom ringtones on my cell phone. This weekend, I finally got it.
The construction of the custom tone is a piece of cake. Take any mp3 file, upload to an audio editing program, chop it down to the bits you like, add echo, fade in, fade out, whatever you like, save it, transfer it via bluetooth to the phone and then...
Then it gets sticky. Verizon phones ship with crippled software. I can save the bluetooth transfer to my phone under "My Sounds" and play it whenever I want. I cannot, however, set it as a ringtone from the "My Sounds" section of the phone, no, the only way to get a new ringtone is to purchase and download over the air.
Until I figured out the workaround, that is.
Which is, actually, very simple. So simple, in fact, that Verizon really should just let me add the ringtone from My Sounds. All I need to do is select my sound, then send it to myself as an attachment to a text message.
When the txt arrives, it gives me the option to set the sound as a ringtone.
It's this whole other, entirely redundant step, built into the software. I have to send the file to my phone via bluetooth from the computer, then, send it to my phone via txt from my own phone.
Seems a bit ridiculous.
But now I've finally got the Beverly Hills Cop Theme playing for all incoming calls, and I couldn't be happier about it.
-t
PS - Did you know Beverly Hills Cop was the second highest grossing movie in 1984? The first was Ghostbusters. Two SNL alum movies in first and second place at the box office! SNL, how far you've fallen.
I've been trying for a while to set custom ringtones on my cell phone. This weekend, I finally got it.
The construction of the custom tone is a piece of cake. Take any mp3 file, upload to an audio editing program, chop it down to the bits you like, add echo, fade in, fade out, whatever you like, save it, transfer it via bluetooth to the phone and then...
Then it gets sticky. Verizon phones ship with crippled software. I can save the bluetooth transfer to my phone under "My Sounds" and play it whenever I want. I cannot, however, set it as a ringtone from the "My Sounds" section of the phone, no, the only way to get a new ringtone is to purchase and download over the air.
Until I figured out the workaround, that is.
Which is, actually, very simple. So simple, in fact, that Verizon really should just let me add the ringtone from My Sounds. All I need to do is select my sound, then send it to myself as an attachment to a text message.
When the txt arrives, it gives me the option to set the sound as a ringtone.
It's this whole other, entirely redundant step, built into the software. I have to send the file to my phone via bluetooth from the computer, then, send it to my phone via txt from my own phone.
Seems a bit ridiculous.
But now I've finally got the Beverly Hills Cop Theme playing for all incoming calls, and I couldn't be happier about it.
-t
PS - Did you know Beverly Hills Cop was the second highest grossing movie in 1984? The first was Ghostbusters. Two SNL alum movies in first and second place at the box office! SNL, how far you've fallen.
Monday, October 06, 2008
Live-Blogging The Financial Crash
Ok, this is the greatest thing ever. Live-blogging a sporting or television event is one thing (omg! episode two of season three of dancing with the starz, omg!)
But live-blogging the floundering stock market? Awesome.
-
But live-blogging the floundering stock market? Awesome.
2:45 p.m. | The Crash of 2008: If the S.&P. 500 closes where it is now, (1009.07, down 8% for the day) it will have lost more than 13% over the past three sessions.
The only other time declines of that magnitude occurred since World War II was in the crash of 1987. Prior to that, the last one was in May 1940, when France fell to Germany.
-Floyd Norris
-
Friday, October 03, 2008
Inventing an Industry
Henry Ford basically invented an industry out of nowhere. Before Ford, the auto industry didn't exist.
Now consider this: If you were going to buy a car, and you had the choice of two models, identical in every facet (style, shape, color, features, AWD, brakes, warranty, price, range etc etc) save the motor, which would you choose? The electric, or the gasoline-powered internal combustion engine?
Two Corvettes, one gas, one electric. Same torque, acceleration, top speed, etc etc.
Two H2's, one gas, one electric.
Two Civics, one gas, one electric.
All other things being equal, wouldn't you choose the electric car? Cheaper to charge a battery than fill a gas tank, right? Who wouldn't pick the electric car? Purely an economic decision, and as a bonus, reduces carbon emissions.
If one, just one, auto company had started researching electric power twenty years ago, and today released a full line of totally electric cars, wouldn't they wipe out the competition?
If Chevy unveiled an electric SUV, sports car, sedan, coupe, economy, mid-size, full-size truck, van, minivan, and motorcycle wouldn't they clean up? They would have a virtual monopoly on the electric powered world. Name brand charge stations would pop up all over the place to replace gas stations.
Instead, the car companies have focussed on bringing us bigger, faster, louder, more expensive versions of their gas-powered engines.
It's a missed opportunity to make mountains of money, and it still baffles me. Why didn't they do it?
Seriously, I'm asking. Is there a good explanation?
-t
Now consider this: If you were going to buy a car, and you had the choice of two models, identical in every facet (style, shape, color, features, AWD, brakes, warranty, price, range etc etc) save the motor, which would you choose? The electric, or the gasoline-powered internal combustion engine?
Two Corvettes, one gas, one electric. Same torque, acceleration, top speed, etc etc.
Two H2's, one gas, one electric.
Two Civics, one gas, one electric.
All other things being equal, wouldn't you choose the electric car? Cheaper to charge a battery than fill a gas tank, right? Who wouldn't pick the electric car? Purely an economic decision, and as a bonus, reduces carbon emissions.
If one, just one, auto company had started researching electric power twenty years ago, and today released a full line of totally electric cars, wouldn't they wipe out the competition?
If Chevy unveiled an electric SUV, sports car, sedan, coupe, economy, mid-size, full-size truck, van, minivan, and motorcycle wouldn't they clean up? They would have a virtual monopoly on the electric powered world. Name brand charge stations would pop up all over the place to replace gas stations.
Instead, the car companies have focussed on bringing us bigger, faster, louder, more expensive versions of their gas-powered engines.
It's a missed opportunity to make mountains of money, and it still baffles me. Why didn't they do it?
Seriously, I'm asking. Is there a good explanation?
-t
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Everyone In The World Is Perfect
Artist Mike Mitchell found a box on his doorstep. Inside was a note and an improbable object from Mitchell's past
via kottke
As one of my photographer friends, Brett Littlehales, pointed out later, it was even amazing that the tape had lasted for 45 years. He also observed in a typically exuberant way, "the chances of this happening are...are...like winning the lottery...no!...no!...more like winning the cosmic lottery!"
via kottke
Friday, September 19, 2008
The Inventor Of Carbon-Copies Should Be Punished
Here's a snippy email thread that bounced back and forth today between our new settlements group and the international Vienna team. I am, as usual, caught in the crossfire. Instead of pasting in all the email subjects, headers, signatures, etc, I'm going to parse it for you as a bitchy conversation between coworkers:
Matt: Hi, going forward, can you please email myself and Susan anytime the books are opened so we can avoid booking entries to a prior accounting period? Thanks.
Vance (Vienna): I don't really understand your request. Opening the accounting period is Tom's responsibility, we don't open or close. Can you clarify?
Matt: Vance, this was directed at both you and Tom. If you request the books be opened I just wanted to make sure Susan and I were also on the email so we are aware of it.
Vance: In that case isn't it possible to put your email addresses on the master mailing list?
Matt: No, I don't want to get all of the email concerning every fund in the bank. We only need a heads up if these two funds are being opened.
Vance: And what about setting up a rule in that mailbox to forward all the emails to you in which the subject references these funds, or any coming from my Vienna team? I would like to avoid cc-ing one hundred people in every email. It is so easy to forget someone...
Matt: Fine. I will just have the trades team notify us. Tom, can you please make sure to let us know if the books are opened? Thanks.
Vance: Thanks for that.
Matt: Hi, going forward, can you please email myself and Susan anytime the books are opened so we can avoid booking entries to a prior accounting period? Thanks.
Vance (Vienna): I don't really understand your request. Opening the accounting period is Tom's responsibility, we don't open or close. Can you clarify?
Matt: Vance, this was directed at both you and Tom. If you request the books be opened I just wanted to make sure Susan and I were also on the email so we are aware of it.
Vance: In that case isn't it possible to put your email addresses on the master mailing list?
Matt: No, I don't want to get all of the email concerning every fund in the bank. We only need a heads up if these two funds are being opened.
Vance: And what about setting up a rule in that mailbox to forward all the emails to you in which the subject references these funds, or any coming from my Vienna team? I would like to avoid cc-ing one hundred people in every email. It is so easy to forget someone...
Matt: Fine. I will just have the trades team notify us. Tom, can you please make sure to let us know if the books are opened? Thanks.
Vance: Thanks for that.
TXT
When I flip open my phone and start punching keys a new text message automatically pops up. Instant composition.
My computer does not do the same thing. This has led to a lot of wrong, incorrect, and bad keystrokes.
I just booked a trade for "What are you doing later on tonight?" number of shares.
-t
My computer does not do the same thing. This has led to a lot of wrong, incorrect, and bad keystrokes.
I just booked a trade for "What are you doing later on tonight?" number of shares.
-t
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Books I Love To Hate And The People That Love Them
GAH. My manager and the new girl are talking about books they love.
"What was it? Five People You Meet In Heaven! Yeah, I love that."
"Yep, that was good."
"But nothing beats Tuesdays With Morrie."
Augh. The left side of brain my just shut down. I'm typing with my left hand now. Induced stroke. Are my ears bleeding?
"And OH! The DaVinci Code! Remember that one! I'll have to bring in some books for you to borrow."
Help help help help...Whew. Ok, I found my headphones. Can't hear them anymore. Wow that was close.
Oh, also, has anyone read Infinite Jest? Opinions?
-t
"What was it? Five People You Meet In Heaven! Yeah, I love that."
"Yep, that was good."
"But nothing beats Tuesdays With Morrie."
Augh. The left side of brain my just shut down. I'm typing with my left hand now. Induced stroke. Are my ears bleeding?
"And OH! The DaVinci Code! Remember that one! I'll have to bring in some books for you to borrow."
Help help help help...Whew. Ok, I found my headphones. Can't hear them anymore. Wow that was close.
Oh, also, has anyone read Infinite Jest? Opinions?
-t
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
DeSean Jackson Is A Dope
I wanted to knock that depressing post off the top of the page. Instead, I'm substituting this post, which should only depress Philadelphia Eagles fans (or anyone who picked Donovan McNabb for their fantasy squad).
Last night McNabb hit Eagles receiver DeSean Jackson for a 40-yard TD, except Jackson started his celebration early, dropping the ball on the one yard line. By rule, the play ended before possession changed, the Eagles ran it in and got the seven points, but McNabb didn't get the credit for the touchdown, and Eagles fans are all smacking their heads in incredulity.
Unfortunately, the video isn't up yet, however, there is "this video showing a similar gaffe he made in the Army All-American bowl.
-t
Last night McNabb hit Eagles receiver DeSean Jackson for a 40-yard TD, except Jackson started his celebration early, dropping the ball on the one yard line. By rule, the play ended before possession changed, the Eagles ran it in and got the seven points, but McNabb didn't get the credit for the touchdown, and Eagles fans are all smacking their heads in incredulity.
Unfortunately, the video isn't up yet, however, there is "this video showing a similar gaffe he made in the Army All-American bowl.
-t
Monday, September 15, 2008
This Weekend In Review -or- The World Is Falling Apart But It's Cool, Because I Think I've Got Some Duct Tape Around Here Somewhere
I was away this weekend at a wedding (Congrats, Dave & Penny!) and so missed most of the big news as it was happening. For any of you similarly in the dark, here's a recap, and we'll start with the lighter stuff:
- Brewers Bad At Baseball:
The Brew Crew lost both halves of a double-header in Philadelphia, meanwhile, in their home park a displaced Cubs-Astros game was happening (Astros playing "at home" since hurricane Zebulon (what letter are we on now?) forced them out of Texas) and at the game Cubs ace Victorino Zambrano, and Milwaukee nemesis (coming off two weeks rest for a sore shoulder) threw a no hitter.
Tough to lose away, and watch the rivals win at your home. Tougher still they haven't yet replaced the giant beer mug in center field. - Palin Fodder:
Tina Fey returned to SNL's season premiere to play Alaskan govenor and VP hopeful Sarah Palin. The sketch, by all accounts, was hilarious (called by one entertainment blogger "The funniest thing ever presented by Lorne Michaels productions"). My worry? Fey's interpretation of Palin will become so beloved by the populace folks will vote the Alaskan in so we can see more sketches. (Don't discount it! People like Will Ferrel's George W. Bush way more than Darrell Hammond's portrayal of Gore - SNL as political bellwether) - Landmark Financial Institutions Fold!:
From the WSJ:The American financial system was shaken to its core on Sunday. Lehman Brothers Holdings Inc. filed for bankruptcy protection, and Merrill Lynch & Co. agreed to be sold to Bank of America Corp.link
It started with the collapse of the mortgage industry, and there are fewer and fewer options left for the big firms. Shares tank, brokers bankrupt, good news, though, I sold short on Simpson News Syndicate and made a killing. - Journalistic Integrity Fouled By Crazy-Ass Photog:
Jill Greenberg, photographer to the stars (manipulator.com) shot a cover of Senator John McCain for Atlantic Monthly but, disregarding protocol (and possibly her contract with Atlantic) she kept the outtakes indecentized them. Really. The controversial photos, and some analysis here. - Some Good News:
The Large Hadron Collider is practically guaranteed not to create a planet-swallowing black hole and end life as we know it in this solar system.
Monday, September 08, 2008
Braid: Best Official Walkthrough Ever
The artwork and story have been praised for the whimsical visual style, haunting
score, and perception-bending effect on the player.
I tried the demo. I'd say I'm familiar with the side-scrolling platformer mileu.
But then I visited the developer's page, and I am going to buy this game based solely on the official walkthrough. (It's a relatively quick read, don't worry, you can take a look:Braid walkthrough)
Best walkthrough ever man.
-t
Dan Goldin Day Reminder
Dan Goldin Day is night upon us! Mark your calendars!
November 17th (as if you'd forgotten)
*Bonus* This year DGD falls on a Monday! Three day weekend!
-t
*Footnote* DGD is always observed on the closest Monday or Friday in order to maximize three-day weekends.
November 17th (as if you'd forgotten)
*Bonus* This year DGD falls on a Monday! Three day weekend!
-t
*Footnote* DGD is always observed on the closest Monday or Friday in order to maximize three-day weekends.
Thursday, September 04, 2008
It Takes Twice That Just To Get Me Out Of Bed In The Morning...
As those of you who are regular readers (probably in the billions by now, as I'm no longer firewalled in China) know, I occassionally write a bit about the Red Sox.
It's certainly no regular feature, but I am a fan of baseball, and Boston sports in general, and do take the opportunity, from time to time, to comment on the current sports scene.
Well, turns out, WEEI, a local Boston sports radio station, is looking for bloggers at the new weei.com to do just that. In fact, they have decided to hold a contest.
So let me tell you why I will not be participating:
(1) The required 500 word entry isn't long enough to encompass the typical blogger's ramblings (see joeposnanski.com)
(2) They get the rights to the winner's content, because the winner will be hired to blog for a year on weei.com
(3) and be paid $5,000.
$5,000? Five grand? That's barely pocket money!
And I know, I know, you're thinking "Hey, if I were a blogger who regularly commented on the Boston sports scene for free, why wouldn't I want to upgrade to a nice $5K paycheck?"
I'll tell you why: Because it's peanuts. You could hire Jerry Seinfeld to blog for maybe a week with that $5,000. And my Red Sox commentary is worth at least Seinfeld money.
Yes, I realize Seinfeld's a comedian, but most bloggers are (trying to be) comedians too! Funny sells! Funny does not sell out. Not for a measly five grand.
Hell, that's not even enough for a hood ornament on one of these bad boys.
Other bloggers are with me on the boycott of the contest (for different, more defeatist, reasons) at Sox and Dawgs
It's certainly no regular feature, but I am a fan of baseball, and Boston sports in general, and do take the opportunity, from time to time, to comment on the current sports scene.
Well, turns out, WEEI, a local Boston sports radio station, is looking for bloggers at the new weei.com to do just that. In fact, they have decided to hold a contest.
So let me tell you why I will not be participating:
(1) The required 500 word entry isn't long enough to encompass the typical blogger's ramblings (see joeposnanski.com)
(2) They get the rights to the winner's content, because the winner will be hired to blog for a year on weei.com
(3) and be paid $5,000.
$5,000? Five grand? That's barely pocket money!
And I know, I know, you're thinking "Hey, if I were a blogger who regularly commented on the Boston sports scene for free, why wouldn't I want to upgrade to a nice $5K paycheck?"
I'll tell you why: Because it's peanuts. You could hire Jerry Seinfeld to blog for maybe a week with that $5,000. And my Red Sox commentary is worth at least Seinfeld money.
Yes, I realize Seinfeld's a comedian, but most bloggers are (trying to be) comedians too! Funny sells! Funny does not sell out. Not for a measly five grand.
Hell, that's not even enough for a hood ornament on one of these bad boys.
Other bloggers are with me on the boycott of the contest (for different, more defeatist, reasons) at Sox and Dawgs
Tuesday, September 02, 2008
You Can't Spell Courtesy Without Curt
I was quietly asked to step into the conference room this morning to meet with my supervisor.
One glance at the troubled look on his face and I guessed immediately that the discussion might center around a sarcastic reply I'd sent in response to an email from one of the girls on the tax team.
The original email went something like "The client wants us to check on this, please check on this and get back to me," and the email was, as per the custom here, cc-ed to basically everyone, including her supervisor, my supervisor, and the head of the division.
In a joking and sarcastic manner, which I truly believed was in character with the working relationship I have with this particular member of the tax team, and not in any way mean-spirited, but one-hundred percent in jest, I replied to her email with "Actually, as this is a tax request, and tax is your job, please do your job."
Which, as I said, I believed to be well within the established framework of office joking and good-natured ribbing that I had established with the tax team.
I did, please note, NOT reply-to-all and cc the whole freaking company, which is a crucial point that this member of the tax team overlooked.
Because she assumed that I had copied everyone on the email in my response, basically critcizing her professionalism, work-ethic, and ability, she responded to my response, cc-ing everyone with a curt response which included a cut-and-pasted excerpt of my job description as it pertains to client tax requests.
So, as I was called into the conference room I had an inkling of where this conversation was headed.
"Tom," my supervisor began, "I wanted to talk to you because, well, someone...higher up...pulled me aside and mentioned that someone on the tax team had become a little, upset, about something... Do you know what I'm talking about?"
You mean the email I sent to the tax team. I was actually planning on walking down there later today and talking to her about that. I don't think she realized my response was direct to her, not to the whole company.
"Right, yeah, well. I think, it, well, it would probably be good to realize that, if you think you sound a certain way in an email, that maybe some people might not take it the way you mean it, and that can be... less than constructive to building bridges between teams...and for your own business relationships. Do you know what I mean?"
You want me to be nicer. Got it. Is it just the email, or has this come up before?
"It's just that your manner... Look, I know it can be frustrating - believe me I know - there are sometimes, like with the international team in Vienna, they can be a little demanding, they call all the time, there are sometimes where I just want to fire off an email and really let 'em have it, you know? But - but, you have to take a deep breath, and be a little more... Maybe don't think about correcting them, even when it's clearly their fault, but instead, trying to accomodate and respond with something that will be better for building a connection with them.
"I understand your manner can be a little...curt, at times. The way you work, technically you're very strong. You know the software, you've gotten to know the funds and the glitches that can come up, and how to deal with them, or prevent them, which is great. But, your, building relationships...maybe can use a little work. Sometimes, like, maybe with the people you train, your manner might seem a little....rude. And I know you just want to get the job done, but like I said, the way you behave might not be taken the same way by the other person. Ok? That was all I wanted to mention."
So.
Be nicer. I have decided to embrace this idea of niceness, and in that vein, I have updated my email auto-signature from "Thanks-comma" to read instead, "Thanks-exclamation-point" and that should make the difference.
Thanks!
Tom
One glance at the troubled look on his face and I guessed immediately that the discussion might center around a sarcastic reply I'd sent in response to an email from one of the girls on the tax team.
The original email went something like "The client wants us to check on this, please check on this and get back to me," and the email was, as per the custom here, cc-ed to basically everyone, including her supervisor, my supervisor, and the head of the division.
In a joking and sarcastic manner, which I truly believed was in character with the working relationship I have with this particular member of the tax team, and not in any way mean-spirited, but one-hundred percent in jest, I replied to her email with "Actually, as this is a tax request, and tax is your job, please do your job."
Which, as I said, I believed to be well within the established framework of office joking and good-natured ribbing that I had established with the tax team.
I did, please note, NOT reply-to-all and cc the whole freaking company, which is a crucial point that this member of the tax team overlooked.
Because she assumed that I had copied everyone on the email in my response, basically critcizing her professionalism, work-ethic, and ability, she responded to my response, cc-ing everyone with a curt response which included a cut-and-pasted excerpt of my job description as it pertains to client tax requests.
So, as I was called into the conference room I had an inkling of where this conversation was headed.
"Tom," my supervisor began, "I wanted to talk to you because, well, someone...higher up...pulled me aside and mentioned that someone on the tax team had become a little, upset, about something... Do you know what I'm talking about?"
You mean the email I sent to the tax team. I was actually planning on walking down there later today and talking to her about that. I don't think she realized my response was direct to her, not to the whole company.
"Right, yeah, well. I think, it, well, it would probably be good to realize that, if you think you sound a certain way in an email, that maybe some people might not take it the way you mean it, and that can be... less than constructive to building bridges between teams...and for your own business relationships. Do you know what I mean?"
You want me to be nicer. Got it. Is it just the email, or has this come up before?
"It's just that your manner... Look, I know it can be frustrating - believe me I know - there are sometimes, like with the international team in Vienna, they can be a little demanding, they call all the time, there are sometimes where I just want to fire off an email and really let 'em have it, you know? But - but, you have to take a deep breath, and be a little more... Maybe don't think about correcting them, even when it's clearly their fault, but instead, trying to accomodate and respond with something that will be better for building a connection with them.
"I understand your manner can be a little...curt, at times. The way you work, technically you're very strong. You know the software, you've gotten to know the funds and the glitches that can come up, and how to deal with them, or prevent them, which is great. But, your, building relationships...maybe can use a little work. Sometimes, like, maybe with the people you train, your manner might seem a little....rude. And I know you just want to get the job done, but like I said, the way you behave might not be taken the same way by the other person. Ok? That was all I wanted to mention."
So.
Be nicer. I have decided to embrace this idea of niceness, and in that vein, I have updated my email auto-signature from "Thanks-comma" to read instead, "Thanks-exclamation-point" and that should make the difference.
Thanks!
Tom
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Reading Writing About Writing
Alternate Title: Latin Is Dead, Alivey English!
Today on boston.com Erin McKean takes critics of the English language to task. In a nutshell: Embrace English evolution.
They shouldn't be, I agree. I make up words all the time, right here.
Like, "besotted," or "interrobang."
It's a clever little op/ed and I found the payoff right here:
-t
Today on boston.com Erin McKean takes critics of the English language to task. In a nutshell: Embrace English evolution.
...if all these words look wordish, sound wordish, and act wordish, why are they all hedged about with the namby-pamby "I know it's not a real word" disclaimers? (Note: wordish is a perfectly good word.)
They shouldn't be, I agree. I make up words all the time, right here.
Like, "besotted," or "interrobang."
It's a clever little op/ed and I found the payoff right here:
Whenever I see "not a real word" used to stigmatize what is (usually) a perfectly cromulent word, I wonder why the writer felt the need to hang a big sign reading "I am not confident about my writing" on it.
-t
Friday, August 15, 2008
Overheard:
Leaving work yesterday
Woman on cell phone (whiny, contempt-y): "You probably shouldn't be there... Because it would be uncomfortable for me, it would be uncomfortable for John, and, potentially, uncomfortable for you - except, maybe not, because you 'aren't ever uncomfortable,' and you're not 'bothered by circumstance'..."
Walking home from the train
Guy outside a laundromat on his cell phone (matter-of-factly): "No, no, black. Like, priest black. With that collar thing. A little white collar..."
Bear: "Um...that's probably trouble."
Woman on cell phone (whiny, contempt-y): "You probably shouldn't be there... Because it would be uncomfortable for me, it would be uncomfortable for John, and, potentially, uncomfortable for you - except, maybe not, because you 'aren't ever uncomfortable,' and you're not 'bothered by circumstance'..."
Walking home from the train
Guy outside a laundromat on his cell phone (matter-of-factly): "No, no, black. Like, priest black. With that collar thing. A little white collar..."
Bear: "Um...that's probably trouble."
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Agony Of Defeat
This should replace the pinwheeling skier on the opening credits of Wide World of Sports
Yeah. Take a good look. That used to be his elbow.
World class competition, world class hurt.
-t
Yeah. Take a good look. That used to be his elbow.
World class competition, world class hurt.
-t
Impulse Control
If you have a problem controlling impulse spending, especially for $0.99 purchases, like songs from iTunes and Amazon's mp3 store, do not, I cannot stress this enough, DO NOT visit pandora.com and enter an artist you like.
Because Pandora will start playing other songs that you will like. And you will like them. And then you will buy them. All of them.
They even let you bookmark songs so you can easily keep track of what you haven't purchased yet.
Gah.
Because Pandora will start playing other songs that you will like. And you will like them. And then you will buy them. All of them.
They even let you bookmark songs so you can easily keep track of what you haven't purchased yet.
Gah.
Friday, August 08, 2008
Clearly This Problem Has Been Resolved
Internet is down at work.
Official IT response" "We are aware of the problem and will communicate with you when the issue has been resolved. No ETA."
We can't even kill time.
-t
*UPDATE*
To: Eblake@cashteam
Subject: Net Outage
Have you guys lost the internet? We've got intranet access but can't get to the web. I'm wondering if it's company wide or if they're finally on to me.
-t
To: tom@work
Subject: Re: Net Outage
It's just you - I can see this:
Official IT response" "We are aware of the problem and will communicate with you when the issue has been resolved. No ETA."
We can't even kill time.
-t
*UPDATE*
To: Eblake@cashteam
Subject: Net Outage
Have you guys lost the internet? We've got intranet access but can't get to the web. I'm wondering if it's company wide or if they're finally on to me.
-t
To: tom@work
Subject: Re: Net Outage
It's just you - I can see this:
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Hey Is For Horses
Email thread!
To: Mike@supervisor
From: Buddy
cc: Tom
Subject: Hey
Hey,
I have a control alert on one of my portfolios. Could you check this out when you get a minute. Thanks
Mike's reply:
To: Buddy
From: Mike@supervisor
cc: Tom
Subject: Hey
This is all set now.
Also- I'm more likely to notice and respond to e-mails that don't have subject "Hey" FYI.
Thanks,
Mike
-t
To: Mike@supervisor
From: Buddy
cc: Tom
Subject: Hey
Hey,
I have a control alert on one of my portfolios. Could you check this out when you get a minute. Thanks
Mike's reply:
To: Buddy
From: Mike@supervisor
cc: Tom
Subject: Hey
This is all set now.
Also- I'm more likely to notice and respond to e-mails that don't have subject "Hey" FYI.
Thanks,
Mike
-t
Monday, July 28, 2008
Staph-ing Problems
"I could use another coffee."
-Buddy
This is how it started. "I could use another cup of coffee."
He couldn't use another cup of coffee. His cup of iced coffee was sitting on my desk, my desk, still half full. But, I had said "Ok, I'm going to go get a coffee now" meaning, of course, "I can't take this anymore. I have to get out. I need air!"
"This" is day one of buddy training.
It wasn't an invitation, I was trying to be nice, and I chose coffee as a convenient excuse because I knew he didn't need any more coffee - but Buddy invited himself along anyway.
Fine.
I've been holding back all day. I have been keeping the conversation on point: Training oriented jargon; Lots of acronyms. I have not recounted funny anecdotes from my vacation. I have not made small talk. Just the facts.
So we're standing in the elevator lobby, not saying anything, and Buddy, just to be saying something, I guess, says
"I had surgery this weekend...I actually got a staph infection. It's the kind you only get in hosptials."
[Pause]
"It's resistant to like 90% of medicine, so they gave me two antibiotics to take and the it's been making me feel really sick the past few days."
So, your slimy staph-infected surgery wound wants to come with me to Dunkin' Donuts? I don't think so, Buddy. I'm going to to CVS for some hand sanitizer, stat.
-t
-Buddy
This is how it started. "I could use another cup of coffee."
He couldn't use another cup of coffee. His cup of iced coffee was sitting on my desk, my desk, still half full. But, I had said "Ok, I'm going to go get a coffee now" meaning, of course, "I can't take this anymore. I have to get out. I need air!"
"This" is day one of buddy training.
It wasn't an invitation, I was trying to be nice, and I chose coffee as a convenient excuse because I knew he didn't need any more coffee - but Buddy invited himself along anyway.
Fine.
I've been holding back all day. I have been keeping the conversation on point: Training oriented jargon; Lots of acronyms. I have not recounted funny anecdotes from my vacation. I have not made small talk. Just the facts.
So we're standing in the elevator lobby, not saying anything, and Buddy, just to be saying something, I guess, says
"I had surgery this weekend...I actually got a staph infection. It's the kind you only get in hosptials."
[Pause]
"It's resistant to like 90% of medicine, so they gave me two antibiotics to take and the it's been making me feel really sick the past few days."
So, your slimy staph-infected surgery wound wants to come with me to Dunkin' Donuts? I don't think so, Buddy. I'm going to to CVS for some hand sanitizer, stat.
-t
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Softball Wrap-Up
I believe Blogger dropped my last wrap-up post, apologies if you're reading this twice.
We lost our last game of the season (got smoked, actually), but overall were very encouraged by our improvement as a team.
I finished the season with a .625 batting average (up from .500 last year) and with three doubles and a triple, an OPS of 1.418.
I think, if the roster stays pretty much the same all we'd need to do to push us over the hump and into the playoffs is add one really good bat. I'm going to draft an email to Barry Bonds' agent - he's looking for something to do, right?
-t
We lost our last game of the season (got smoked, actually), but overall were very encouraged by our improvement as a team.
I finished the season with a .625 batting average (up from .500 last year) and with three doubles and a triple, an OPS of 1.418.
I think, if the roster stays pretty much the same all we'd need to do to push us over the hump and into the playoffs is add one really good bat. I'm going to draft an email to Barry Bonds' agent - he's looking for something to do, right?
-t
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Buddy Coach -or- How The Hell Did I Get Roped Into This
This Buddy Coach thing is dumb. Duh-umb.
And I don't mind telling you this after spending only about an hour and fifteen minutes (total) with my "buddy" (note the quotation marks) over the last five days.
First, an hour for small talk and get-to-know-you chit-chat over watered-down coffee and stale pastry last Friday (handily scheduled on the busiest day of the month for processing) that could have been handled, no problem, in fifteen minutes, or, if you include name tags, three minutes.
After covering what floor our team is on and what time to show up for work he proceeded with the small talk.
I hate small talk.
"So," my "buddy" says, unprompted, "I'm originally from Salisbury, Massachusetts."
Ok, I think to myself, as I sip from my lukewarm cup of coffee, you were born local, moved away, I can probably have the rest of this conversation in my head.
"Do you know Salisbury? Near Ipswich? So, anyway, I'm originally from Salisbury, but I moved to Newburyport."
Cripes! Newburyport? FROM SALISBURY? You know how he said it? He said it like "I was born in New York, but at sixteen I really felt like I needed to see the world, so I jumped on a steamer to Bombay and backpacked across the Indian subcontinent." Newburyport is FIVE MILES from Salisbury! Wait, wait, let me google map this... TWO POINT FOUR MILES
View Larger Map
This is, mind you, five minutes after meeting this kid for the first time.
"But I'm thinking about moving closer to the city, like, Gloucester, maybe. So I'm only forty-five minutes from Boston."
Whoa. Hang on there buddy. You have just blown my mind. You're talking about expanding your little circle of habitation to a whopping seven-mile radius? You're really seeing the world.
I hate training. I didn't volunteer for this. I stopped babysitting when I stopped needing pocket money for baseball cards.
This kid is supposed to sit with me for another four hours Friday afternoon. Luckily, I'll be taking a half day to fly to Alabama.
Wow, I'm looking forward to going to Alabama in the middle of July.
Basically, I'd rather die from heat stroke than sit with this kid. I guess that antipathy is a good sign for you blog readers.
-t
And I don't mind telling you this after spending only about an hour and fifteen minutes (total) with my "buddy" (note the quotation marks) over the last five days.
First, an hour for small talk and get-to-know-you chit-chat over watered-down coffee and stale pastry last Friday (handily scheduled on the busiest day of the month for processing) that could have been handled, no problem, in fifteen minutes, or, if you include name tags, three minutes.
After covering what floor our team is on and what time to show up for work he proceeded with the small talk.
I hate small talk.
"So," my "buddy" says, unprompted, "I'm originally from Salisbury, Massachusetts."
Ok, I think to myself, as I sip from my lukewarm cup of coffee, you were born local, moved away, I can probably have the rest of this conversation in my head.
"Do you know Salisbury? Near Ipswich? So, anyway, I'm originally from Salisbury, but I moved to Newburyport."
Cripes! Newburyport? FROM SALISBURY? You know how he said it? He said it like "I was born in New York, but at sixteen I really felt like I needed to see the world, so I jumped on a steamer to Bombay and backpacked across the Indian subcontinent." Newburyport is FIVE MILES from Salisbury! Wait, wait, let me google map this... TWO POINT FOUR MILES
View Larger Map
This is, mind you, five minutes after meeting this kid for the first time.
"But I'm thinking about moving closer to the city, like, Gloucester, maybe. So I'm only forty-five minutes from Boston."
Whoa. Hang on there buddy. You have just blown my mind. You're talking about expanding your little circle of habitation to a whopping seven-mile radius? You're really seeing the world.
I hate training. I didn't volunteer for this. I stopped babysitting when I stopped needing pocket money for baseball cards.
This kid is supposed to sit with me for another four hours Friday afternoon. Luckily, I'll be taking a half day to fly to Alabama.
Wow, I'm looking forward to going to Alabama in the middle of July.
Basically, I'd rather die from heat stroke than sit with this kid. I guess that antipathy is a good sign for you blog readers.
-t
Monday, July 07, 2008
My Buddy And Me
Buddy Coach Meeting
Hello All,
Congratulations on being selected to be a Buddy Coach for a 2008 Summer Orientee! Attached, you will find the Orientee agenda, a Buddy Coach checklist and an article on the Buddy Coach System. Please bring all three of these to our meeting.
[attach: buddysystem.doc; buddychecklist.pdf; Julart.doc]
What's going on here? Did I sign up to participate in the buddy program? Did I even know the buddy program existed? Is the company afraid their newly-hired college graduates are going to accidentally fall out of the canoe?
We are asking for all of the Buddy Coaches to attend a quick 15 minute meeting on Monday to explain the following:
-your role
-your Supervisor's role
-the agenda
-Day 4 (all day), Day 6 (afternoon) and Day 11 (afternoon) on the agenda. HAVE A PLAN.
-answer any questions or concerns you may have.
Thank you for your cooperation and continued support with the Onboarding to Excellence Program, please be prompt.
My role? In the buddy system? "Hold hands with your buddy and make sure he doesn't drown or get lost on the elevator" Really?
A small excerpt from the FOUR PAGE cover letter:
The Making of a Good Buddy
The most appropriate buddy would:
(1) want to be a buddy
(2) be proud of the organization
(3) be well-regarded and accepted by other employees
(4) be a positive role model
(5) be of compatible age, education, temperment, etc, with the new employee
(6) be employed by the organization less than one year
(7) have patience
Based on the above criteria - base on, in fact, the FIRST of the above criteria, I would not make a good buddy, as I certainly do NOT want to be a buddy.
I also have some problems with meeting criteria 2 (not proud),6 (over a year), and 7 (zero patience); and additionally, (5), how the hell am I supposed to know if my age/education/temperment is compatible before I've me the orientee?
At minimum, the buddy should:
(1) Show the orientee around and introduce them to others
(2) Show them where to get equipment and supplies
(3) Go to lunch together the first few days
(4) Provide an open atmosphere for questions
(5) Offer encouragement
I've only got two problems with this list. (1) I don't know anyone's name. I don't care to learn them. I'm not even going to learn the name of my buddy. And, (3) I don't eat lunch when I'm at work. I get a cup of coffee in the morning, and that's it, I work through closing. I don't have time to take lunch, I certainly don't have time to take somebody else to lunch. And if they really wanted us to eat outside the building and get to know each other they could give me a company card, at least, right? I might make time if lunch was already paid for.
The buddy is a resource for questions beyond the org-chart: Whom should I watch out for? What are the potential land mines? What are the "sacred cows"? Where is the nearest restroom? What issues are not questioned in this organizational culture?
Potential land mines? Asking me about "sacred cows." Whom to watch out for? Me. I'm the guy to watch out for. Ask me about 'questioning issues in this organizational culture,' and then try finding a restroom with your nose cupped in your hands to keep blood from dripping on your first-day-of-work outfit.
I didn't ask for this. I'm resigning as buddy coach. A pre-emptory retirement.
Remember, a buddy is the new employee's first workplace friend!
Fuck that noise.
-t
I Did It! One Thousand Posts!
Celebrate! I am now the proud author of one thousand posts! Woo!
I had planned an elaborate party with streamers, noise-makers, some animated .gifs, but that's a lot of work, and we all know, that's just not my style.
Speaking of work. I thought it would be fun to kick of the next thousand posts with a small rant about a dumb office policy.
Stay tuned.
-t
1000
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Getting Away From It All In The Midwest
The most depressing thing I've ever learned about Wisconsin:
When Wisconsinites vacation, they go to Iowa.
-t
When Wisconsinites vacation, they go to Iowa.
-t
2
Friday, June 20, 2008
SauvignYoouuk Blanc (Red Sox Wine)
Last night was our company outing. Almost exactly like last year's. This time, though, in addition to the batting cages, booths for henna tatoos, caricatures, psychic readings, and green-screen photographs, they had a wine bar. There had to be sixty bottles of wine opened and waiting for us. They were serving the wine in the giant red cups you find at beruit tournaments, full.
But, nobody was drinking any wine, since, after all, it's ballpark themed, there are burgers, hot dogs, fries, cheeseburgers, and giant pretzels everywhere, and free beer; people were drinking the beer. Not the wine.
So, at the end of the night at last call, when there were still fifty open bottles of wine sitting full on the table of the wine station, I asked for one. Bottle.
"Hey, excuse me," I called over the ridiculously loud DJed music, "can I get a bottle?"
"A bottle?"
"Yes."
"Um...empty, or full?"
Hmm.
"Full."
So he gave me one. Sweet, right?
Anyway, I was pretty drunk on free beer at that point of the night so I'm not really sure what happened to the full bottle of chardonay I was carrying. I know I didn't bring it home on the train, and I had some difficulties sneaking it into the after-party bar. But the point wasn't to drink it, it was to ask for it in the first place.
-t
3
Thursday, June 12, 2008
RRoD - F#@K!!
This is the Red Ring of Death:
It has its very own wikipedia page.
To save you some time, the basic gist is this:
To save money, Microsoft decided to manufacture their own graphics chips rather than contract the job to a graphic chip company.
The Microsoft chips, turns out, sucked. They overheated and fried the motherboard. The indicator is, you got it, the three flashing red lights, RRoD.
Consumers were pissed. So, Microsoft, to their credit, decided to comp the repair costs, refurb console, gratis. They also decided to start contracting out for graphics chips.
I've been pretty lucky, so far. The consoles were failing at something like 17% (acceptable levels are normally near 1-2%) and I've had my system for a while.
Well, today, after work, as I was sitting down to play a few rounds of Call of Duty 4
RRoD
And boy, did that suck.
I called the repair hotline, they walked me through some troubleshooting steps, took my information, and will be shipping me a prepaid box in a few days.
So, I guess I'll have some time to catch up on my reading. Or Red Sox watching. Or I could just play more Super Mario Galaxy.
-t
It has its very own wikipedia page.
To save you some time, the basic gist is this:
To save money, Microsoft decided to manufacture their own graphics chips rather than contract the job to a graphic chip company.
The Microsoft chips, turns out, sucked. They overheated and fried the motherboard. The indicator is, you got it, the three flashing red lights, RRoD.
Consumers were pissed. So, Microsoft, to their credit, decided to comp the repair costs, refurb console, gratis. They also decided to start contracting out for graphics chips.
I've been pretty lucky, so far. The consoles were failing at something like 17% (acceptable levels are normally near 1-2%) and I've had my system for a while.
Well, today, after work, as I was sitting down to play a few rounds of Call of Duty 4
RRoD
And boy, did that suck.
I called the repair hotline, they walked me through some troubleshooting steps, took my information, and will be shipping me a prepaid box in a few days.
So, I guess I'll have some time to catch up on my reading. Or Red Sox watching. Or I could just play more Super Mario Galaxy.
-t
4
Friday, June 06, 2008
Troublemaker
I'd like to interrupt this countdown to my millenial post and take a moment to promote the new Weezer album.
It's pretty awesome. If you're a Weezer fan I can heartily recommend the Red Album because it's more Blue Album and Pinkerton than it is Maladroit and Make Believe.
Certainly more mature than the two previous self-titled discs (the Blue and Green albums) with a hint of the angsty lyrics of Make Believe, the Red Album does manage to keep the music much more upbeat and brighter than the bands two most recent releases (more like the radio friendly "Beverly Hills" and "We Are All On Drugs" than the later "This Is Such A Pity").
Maybe you've seen the music video for the first radio single "Pork And Beans" full of the internet memes:
Rivers Cuomo isn't the vocalist on three of the songs at the bottom of the set list, giving the other band members, unfortunately, a chance to flex their vocal chords. Bell is passable on "Thought I Knew" but the others are, well, they're pretty awful.
I'd also recommend getting the Deluxe Edition of the release, it includes four "bonus tracks" that make up for the deficient turns Bell, Shriner, and Wilson take on the mike on tracks 7, 8, and 9 of the official release (particularly bonus #1 "Miss Sweeney").
For those of you who aren't going to buy the whole disc I'd recommend the following tracks for download!
(1) Troublemaker
(2) The Greatest Man That Ever Lived (Variations On A Shaker Hymn)
(3) Pork And Beans
(4) Heart Songs
(5) Miss Sweeney (bonus track)
With "The Greatest Man That Ever Lived (Variations On A Shaker Hymn)" unreservedly my favorite song.
-t
It's pretty awesome. If you're a Weezer fan I can heartily recommend the Red Album because it's more Blue Album and Pinkerton than it is Maladroit and Make Believe.
Certainly more mature than the two previous self-titled discs (the Blue and Green albums) with a hint of the angsty lyrics of Make Believe, the Red Album does manage to keep the music much more upbeat and brighter than the bands two most recent releases (more like the radio friendly "Beverly Hills" and "We Are All On Drugs" than the later "This Is Such A Pity").
Maybe you've seen the music video for the first radio single "Pork And Beans" full of the internet memes:
Rivers Cuomo isn't the vocalist on three of the songs at the bottom of the set list, giving the other band members, unfortunately, a chance to flex their vocal chords. Bell is passable on "Thought I Knew" but the others are, well, they're pretty awful.
I'd also recommend getting the Deluxe Edition of the release, it includes four "bonus tracks" that make up for the deficient turns Bell, Shriner, and Wilson take on the mike on tracks 7, 8, and 9 of the official release (particularly bonus #1 "Miss Sweeney").
For those of you who aren't going to buy the whole disc I'd recommend the following tracks for download!
(1) Troublemaker
(2) The Greatest Man That Ever Lived (Variations On A Shaker Hymn)
(3) Pork And Beans
(4) Heart Songs
(5) Miss Sweeney (bonus track)
With "The Greatest Man That Ever Lived (Variations On A Shaker Hymn)" unreservedly my favorite song.
-t
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Office Ninja!
When I takeover the world all the mindless drones clerking my world headquarters will be getting their office supplies from this guy:
-t
-t
5
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
And I Want To Be Somebody Important, Like An Actor...
Woo! It's here! The first signs of the machine revolution!
You were there when they announced the exo-skeleton capable of augmenting a mere human's strength three-fold, it is just a short step to throw on some armor plating and offensive weaponry, and then what have you got? Mecha, in real life.
And now! Machine-Brain Interface! EXACTLY LIKE THE MATRIX.
Learn kung-fu in seconds, enjoy the ultimate virtual-reality experience available, leap tall buildings in a single bound, DODGE BULLETS!
If only I could find a way to harness these powers and bend them toward world conquest...
-t
*UPDATE* - Monkey controls robotic arm jacked directly into its brain! It works! We did it!
You were there when they announced the exo-skeleton capable of augmenting a mere human's strength three-fold, it is just a short step to throw on some armor plating and offensive weaponry, and then what have you got? Mecha, in real life.
And now! Machine-Brain Interface! EXACTLY LIKE THE MATRIX.
Learn kung-fu in seconds, enjoy the ultimate virtual-reality experience available, leap tall buildings in a single bound, DODGE BULLETS!
If only I could find a way to harness these powers and bend them toward world conquest...
-t
*UPDATE* - Monkey controls robotic arm jacked directly into its brain! It works! We did it!
6
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
It's Raining (On) Surgeons
FJM is a site dedicated to poking fun, and sometimes lambasting, bad sports commentary and analysis, in print and television.
It's written by a group of baseball fans who also happen to be sitcom writers. You may know some of their work, like The Office.
If you are a baseball fan, you should read the site. If you are a journalism fan, you should read the site. If you are a comedy fan, you could do a lot worse.
Here is a small excerpt of their work:
In the same post there's a link to some great quotations on baseball.
-t
It's written by a group of baseball fans who also happen to be sitcom writers. You may know some of their work, like The Office.
If you are a baseball fan, you should read the site. If you are a journalism fan, you should read the site. If you are a comedy fan, you could do a lot worse.
Here is a small excerpt of their work:
Ask any football, soccer, rugby, or lacrosse player what they think about rain delays in baseball and they’ll likely give you an answer we can’t print here.
"Fuckshit!" they'll say, those foulmouthed lax players.
What they’ll imply is that baseball players are a little less manly than other athletes simply because they won’t play in the rain. What’s the worst that could happen?
The game will be impossible to play, and no one will watch it.
Slower pitching? More runs scored? A few extra scratches and bruises? (Boo-hoo.)
It's not a contact sport, dummy. It's a precision sport. You don't perform knee surgery in the rain either.
In the same post there's a link to some great quotations on baseball.
-t
7
Friday, May 23, 2008
Woman Wakes Up After Rigor Mortis Sets In (ZOMBIE!)
Weird news from WV this afternoon, found on bb: Woman comes back to life after rigor mortis sets in!
Or, as I would have headlined it:
Take the necessary steps to protect yourself. You thought avian flu was bad? Zombie Virus A is definitely, definitely, worse.
-t
P.S. Sorry, that last link is not a rickroll. It's a clip from the Evil Dead. Bruce Campbell is hilarious.
Or, as I would have headlined it:
FIRST DOCUMENTED ZOMBIE VIRUS CASE IN US
LOCALS FLEE IN PANIC, PATIENT IN ISOLATION, AWAY FROM BRAINS
LOCALS FLEE IN PANIC, PATIENT IN ISOLATION, AWAY FROM BRAINS
Take the necessary steps to protect yourself. You thought avian flu was bad? Zombie Virus A is definitely, definitely, worse.
-t
P.S. Sorry, that last link is not a rickroll. It's a clip from the Evil Dead. Bruce Campbell is hilarious.
8
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Words Added To My Custom Dictionary -or- Why I Hate Lotus Notes
LotusNotes blows. Seriously. A lot.
A list of words added to my email spellcheck dictionary:
- 38pitches (Curt Schilling's blog)
- 3PM
- 401K
- 5PM
- 6pm
- Adina (does this surprise anyone else?)
- apts
- Attaboy
- Bioshock (2007 game of the year!)
- blog
- blogging
- bookmarked
- btw
- craigslist
- Daisuke (ok, it's Japanese)
- Donny (really?)
- download ("download" isn't in the standard dictionary?)
- drat (my favorite four-letter word!)
- dvds
- Erin (this is ridiculous - suggested correction? "Ermine")
- ESPN
- Fermat (Einstein is in the standard dictionary)
- Fermat's
- fyi
- gmail
- gotta
- hiya
- Hurley (from Lost)
- hyperlink (hey, email dictionary, it's the Internet Age)
- hyperlinks (cripes)
- Ichiro
- Jackie
- Joey
- Matsuzaka
- Matsuzaka's (separate entries for proper nouns and their possessives?)
- max (wow. I'm almost certain "max" is a real word, like, everywhere)
- MBTA
- munchkins
- nor'easter
- Ok (I hate capitalizing both 'o' and 'k')
- ok (obv.)
- online (alright, screw you, dictionary)
- ONYE
- Ortiz
- Philly
- Pinkerton
- punkface (this is one of the few I find understandable)
- RBIs
- rebook
- rebooked
- rebooks (probably the word used most often in my emails)
- RSS
- screengrab (maybe not a real word)
- screenshot (come on. def. a real word)
- Sox
- TD ("trade date" - MSOutlook spellcheck opts out of words in all caps)
- timesheet
- Timmy (honestly?)
- tpb
- tv (but "TV" is ok. ridiculous)
- txt
- Verizon
- workflow
- Yep
Any surprises in your custom dictionary?
-t
9
Softball Wrapup
Game 3 - I skipped this game to go drinking with some of Sam's friends up from Alabama
Game 4 - Awesome game. We totally had the lead at one point! We were ahead, by like, three runs!
Anyway. I got there a little late and they put me in at shortstop without any warmup which turned out to be a mistake. The first play of the game was a one-bouncer right to me. I fielded it cleanly, and then threw it ten feet up the foul line past first base. Not even close.
I was getting heckled by the guy in centerfield, and when I turned around I realized it was our normal shortstop! So we switched places for the second batter, and I played center for the rest of the game.
In the second inning I made a pretty good catch on a sinking line drive. I'm no Jacboy Ellsbury, but I can get to the ball when I have to.
At the plate we got some pretty great performances. Three home runs ! One out-of-the-park, the other two the leg-'em-out variety.
So, inning-by-inning. The bad guys scored four runs in the first (helped by my initial throwing error), and we got one back in the first.
Then, and this is the really surprising part. We got back-to-back one-two-three innings in the field! We held them for two innings! Meanwhile our offense scored three runs in the third, and three more in the fourth! At the end of the fourth inning we were leading by three runs! A lead! Woo!
Then in the sixth we gave up three to tie the game. No score in the top of the seventh, so we came up to the plate with a chance at a walk-off victory.
I was batting third in the inning. No pressure.
The first guy made an out when the shortstop robbed him of a double on a screaming line drive up the middle. The next batter popped out.
Here I stood. Two outs, bottom of the seventh, tie game. And I....
roped a single up the middle! Woo! Keep the inning alive!
The girl up at the plate behind me grounded out to third.
But we got a quick one-two-three inning in the top of the eigth and in the bottom of the inning hit back-to-back doubles to win it!
So now our record is a very respectable 1-3-0.
Personally I went 3-3 or 3-4 (depending on the official scorer's ruling) with an RBI. I also broke up a double-play in the fourth which allowed a run to score.
-t
Game 4 - Awesome game. We totally had the lead at one point! We were ahead, by like, three runs!
Anyway. I got there a little late and they put me in at shortstop without any warmup which turned out to be a mistake. The first play of the game was a one-bouncer right to me. I fielded it cleanly, and then threw it ten feet up the foul line past first base. Not even close.
I was getting heckled by the guy in centerfield, and when I turned around I realized it was our normal shortstop! So we switched places for the second batter, and I played center for the rest of the game.
In the second inning I made a pretty good catch on a sinking line drive. I'm no Jacboy Ellsbury, but I can get to the ball when I have to.
At the plate we got some pretty great performances. Three home runs ! One out-of-the-park, the other two the leg-'em-out variety.
So, inning-by-inning. The bad guys scored four runs in the first (helped by my initial throwing error), and we got one back in the first.
Then, and this is the really surprising part. We got back-to-back one-two-three innings in the field! We held them for two innings! Meanwhile our offense scored three runs in the third, and three more in the fourth! At the end of the fourth inning we were leading by three runs! A lead! Woo!
Then in the sixth we gave up three to tie the game. No score in the top of the seventh, so we came up to the plate with a chance at a walk-off victory.
I was batting third in the inning. No pressure.
The first guy made an out when the shortstop robbed him of a double on a screaming line drive up the middle. The next batter popped out.
Here I stood. Two outs, bottom of the seventh, tie game. And I....
roped a single up the middle! Woo! Keep the inning alive!
The girl up at the plate behind me grounded out to third.
But we got a quick one-two-three inning in the top of the eigth and in the bottom of the inning hit back-to-back doubles to win it!
So now our record is a very respectable 1-3-0.
Personally I went 3-3 or 3-4 (depending on the official scorer's ruling) with an RBI. I also broke up a double-play in the fourth which allowed a run to score.
-t
10
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Re-Reading (A Self-Referential Post)
I am a great writer. I was checking the archives and came across this:
No doubt my talents stem from a somewhat wild imagination.
This dream, for example:
Not that I'm the only one with crazy dreams.
Finally, I would make an exceptionally great sketch comedy writer, (SNL, Second City, Improv Asylum, give me a call!) as evidenced by the bit I pitched and have been trying desperately to get SNL to steal, (as long as I get the credit for developing it). Seriously, tell me this wouldn't be hilarious:
It gets even funnier after the jump.
This is one of the reasons I think I would make a good rich guy: I would buy everything. Well, you know, not everything, but almost certainly one of everything. link
No doubt my talents stem from a somewhat wild imagination.
This dream, for example:
So I’m brushing [my teeth], and I’m realizing this toothpaste is bad. It doesn’t taste bad, but it’s…dry, sort of…paste-y. So I look at the tube, and in one glance I see that it’s expired, and that there are tiny little spiders living in the toothpaste. TINY SPIDERS IN THE EXPIRED TOOTHPASTE!
Not that I'm the only one with crazy dreams.
Finally, I would make an exceptionally great sketch comedy writer, (SNL, Second City, Improv Asylum, give me a call!) as evidenced by the bit I pitched and have been trying desperately to get SNL to steal, (as long as I get the credit for developing it). Seriously, tell me this wouldn't be hilarious:
I think they should make a stoner movie called “James Bong.” His agent number would be (obviously) 420, and in Q division everything would turn into a bong or a lighter. jump
It gets even funnier after the jump.
(I'm just filling up space 'til my millennial post. Dig it.) 11
Rate My Manager (with LeadBack!)
Last week:
Well, I will take it as a compliment! I am heartened that my opinion matters!
As you'd expect, the survey is twenty-five or so vanilla questions similar to "Please rate your level of agreement 'My manager is an outgoing person who encourages open dialogue within our group, but sometimes can take it too far and become a distraction' Agree Strongly; Agree; Disagree; Strongly Disagree"
I try to be as accurate as I can. Pull no punches, air no grievances, objective above all. I'm one of the few selected, right?
Today:
Oh.
Should I also disregard the compliment?
-t
From:admin@leadback
Hello,
Tom, your supervisor is a participant in the Beacons of Leadership program.
A key part of the process is to provide feedback on personal leadership styles. We will use a 360-degree multi-rater survey called LeadBack®. The results from this feedback will help establish developmental goals.
You, Tom, have been chosen to give feedback. Please take it as a compliment. This is an excellent opportunity for you to contribute to the ongoing development of your colleague. You are one of a larger group of colleagues invited to participate.
This survey will take you approximately 10 minutes to complete. Please note, except for your supervisor's manager, all survey responses are confidential and anonymous.
Regards,
LeadBack Admin
Well, I will take it as a compliment! I am heartened that my opinion matters!
As you'd expect, the survey is twenty-five or so vanilla questions similar to "Please rate your level of agreement 'My manager is an outgoing person who encourages open dialogue within our group, but sometimes can take it too far and become a distraction' Agree Strongly; Agree; Disagree; Strongly Disagree"
I try to be as accurate as I can. Pull no punches, air no grievances, objective above all. I'm one of the few selected, right?
Today:
From:director@beacons
Hello,
You recently received information requesting your participation in a LeadBack survey as part of the Beacons of Leadership Program for your supervisor.
This request was sent to you all in error, please disregard any emails and any survey information that you may have received from the LeadBack administrator or myself.
Regards,
Beacons Director
Oh.
Should I also disregard the compliment?
-t
12
Friday, May 09, 2008
Even Adina Can Appreciate This -or- A Good Reason To Watch NBA Playoff Coverage
This is one of the best studio teams ever assembled.
Stay classy, blogosphere.
-t
Stay classy, blogosphere.
-t
13
Thursday, May 08, 2008
Reeding and Rounding -or- I know only four of you are reading this
I've discovered an exciting new feature of my RSS reeder. It's called "Feed details."
Scant details, to be sure, but salient, and very interesting.
Pick a feed, click "details" and you shall receive:
Posts per week
and
Subscribers
Ok, no big deal. Until you check your own blog feed and discover that according to google reader you're averaging 1.9 posts per week and only four people are subscribed to your feed. And I happen to know that I'm one, and Samantha is another.
Take, for contrast, a popular sports blog I subscribe to:
Posts per week: 59
Subscribers: 957
Now I've got a target: 1000 readers
Or, at the very least, to reach a number that doesn't round down to zero.
-t
Scant details, to be sure, but salient, and very interesting.
Pick a feed, click "details" and you shall receive:
Posts per week
and
Subscribers
Ok, no big deal. Until you check your own blog feed and discover that according to google reader you're averaging 1.9 posts per week and only four people are subscribed to your feed. And I happen to know that I'm one, and Samantha is another.
Take, for contrast, a popular sports blog I subscribe to:
Posts per week: 59
Subscribers: 957
Now I've got a target: 1000 readers
Or, at the very least, to reach a number that doesn't round down to zero.
-t
14
I had intended this to be a brief aside - but, if wishes were fishes
I'm currently reading a book, called Ireland, and have been advised, that there is a plot twist near the end. "Ooh, I didn't see that twist coming." was the warning.
Which may mean that no twist was expected, or there was a twist expected, just not the one that was delivered.
So, as I'm reading, naturally, I'm keeping my eyes peeled for clues. Passages that may foreshadow later events, stand-alone sentences describing glances between major characters that are never acknowledged or explained. The abscence of exposition about a seeming innocuous point. "Aha, I think, the significance of that look will by the BIG REVEAL," or, "In a twist, that innocent explanation will actually be insidious and demented!"
I doubt I'll be surprised, is what I'm saying.
Which is ok, if it's done well I can still appreciate the architecture of the reveal, even if it substance has already been realized.
It occurred to me, though, that there could conceivably be a twist I don't suspect. Something that hasn't been hinted at ever, not once, in the book. That the author purposefully left meaningless clues, totally unrelated, hinting at a banal, ordinary, fully expectable twist, and then, instead of delivering, say, a curveball, delivers a freshly baked loaf of bread THAT IS ALSO A RADIOACTIVE ALIEN SUPERCOMPUTER!
You'd look pretty stupid standing there in the batter's box then, wouldn't you?
(That was rhetorical. You would look pretty stupid. It's a radioactive supercomputer from some distant planet. You thought it was going to be a baseball.)
There's no secondary reveal, either. No explanation. None of this "Oh, by the way, remember in the first inning when you got that hit I and the announcer said it was a "moon shot" that was an allusion to your former career as an astronaut, and the chapter about your best bud, the catcher, who rooms with you on the road, being an illegal immigrant from Cuba, that actually was symbolic, because he's actually an extra-terrestrial and instead of Cuba, he's from Alpha-Centauri - but he's still a heck of a catcher."
None of that. It's just you, an ordinary baseball player, and then an alien supercomputer that you could, if you chose, turn into a grilled cheese sandwich.
Or, imagine an Agatha Christie mystery (this is a particularly good illustration of my point, since AC is notorious for leaving out the necessary clues that figure into her big reveal, hated, by some, for cheating the readers) set on a train, where somebody dies, and all the passengers, who have never seen each other before, ever, and no one has any motive, and the lone detective is still plugging away, and then, at the crucial moment, he reveals, not that, by the way, all the other passengers had all starred in the same soap opera together back in the day, then served in the same military unit as spies, then settled down in the south of England and opened a bed and breakfast all together, and they in fact do have a motive, and you'd have known that and figured out the whole thing if only the history lesson had taken place in the prologue and not the penultimate chapter, no, instead, the lone detective reveals that the train is actually, ON THE MOON! And Moon Men storm the train and devour everyone on board the end.
How's that for a twist!?
Anyway, I'm now hoping for something like that. A twist so crazy it's almost as if the last two chapters of the book were replaced, accidentally, in the printing process with the last two chapters of some crazy science-fiction story set in the Star Wars universe, or where time-travel is possible. And hey, while you spent two-hundred pages learning about Irish history through the eyes of this young Dublin school child and his charming father, a history professor, often illustrated by small glimpses into early 20th century life, and clever observations about the Irish geography, you learn in the final chapter that the boy and his father ARE ACTUALLY THE SAME PERSON SEPARATED BY THIRTY YEARS As THE RESULT OF A FREAK TIME MACHINE EXPERIMENT AND WHEN THE BOY REACHES HIS THIRTEENTH BIRTHDAY THEY BOTH DIE INSTANTANEOUSLY!
Nothing at all to do with Irish history. What a twist!
-t
Which may mean that no twist was expected, or there was a twist expected, just not the one that was delivered.
So, as I'm reading, naturally, I'm keeping my eyes peeled for clues. Passages that may foreshadow later events, stand-alone sentences describing glances between major characters that are never acknowledged or explained. The abscence of exposition about a seeming innocuous point. "Aha, I think, the significance of that look will by the BIG REVEAL," or, "In a twist, that innocent explanation will actually be insidious and demented!"
I doubt I'll be surprised, is what I'm saying.
Which is ok, if it's done well I can still appreciate the architecture of the reveal, even if it substance has already been realized.
It occurred to me, though, that there could conceivably be a twist I don't suspect. Something that hasn't been hinted at ever, not once, in the book. That the author purposefully left meaningless clues, totally unrelated, hinting at a banal, ordinary, fully expectable twist, and then, instead of delivering, say, a curveball, delivers a freshly baked loaf of bread THAT IS ALSO A RADIOACTIVE ALIEN SUPERCOMPUTER!
You'd look pretty stupid standing there in the batter's box then, wouldn't you?
(That was rhetorical. You would look pretty stupid. It's a radioactive supercomputer from some distant planet. You thought it was going to be a baseball.)
There's no secondary reveal, either. No explanation. None of this "Oh, by the way, remember in the first inning when you got that hit I and the announcer said it was a "moon shot" that was an allusion to your former career as an astronaut, and the chapter about your best bud, the catcher, who rooms with you on the road, being an illegal immigrant from Cuba, that actually was symbolic, because he's actually an extra-terrestrial and instead of Cuba, he's from Alpha-Centauri - but he's still a heck of a catcher."
None of that. It's just you, an ordinary baseball player, and then an alien supercomputer that you could, if you chose, turn into a grilled cheese sandwich.
Or, imagine an Agatha Christie mystery (this is a particularly good illustration of my point, since AC is notorious for leaving out the necessary clues that figure into her big reveal, hated, by some, for cheating the readers) set on a train, where somebody dies, and all the passengers, who have never seen each other before, ever, and no one has any motive, and the lone detective is still plugging away, and then, at the crucial moment, he reveals, not that, by the way, all the other passengers had all starred in the same soap opera together back in the day, then served in the same military unit as spies, then settled down in the south of England and opened a bed and breakfast all together, and they in fact do have a motive, and you'd have known that and figured out the whole thing if only the history lesson had taken place in the prologue and not the penultimate chapter, no, instead, the lone detective reveals that the train is actually, ON THE MOON! And Moon Men storm the train and devour everyone on board the end.
How's that for a twist!?
Anyway, I'm now hoping for something like that. A twist so crazy it's almost as if the last two chapters of the book were replaced, accidentally, in the printing process with the last two chapters of some crazy science-fiction story set in the Star Wars universe, or where time-travel is possible. And hey, while you spent two-hundred pages learning about Irish history through the eyes of this young Dublin school child and his charming father, a history professor, often illustrated by small glimpses into early 20th century life, and clever observations about the Irish geography, you learn in the final chapter that the boy and his father ARE ACTUALLY THE SAME PERSON SEPARATED BY THIRTY YEARS As THE RESULT OF A FREAK TIME MACHINE EXPERIMENT AND WHEN THE BOY REACHES HIS THIRTEENTH BIRTHDAY THEY BOTH DIE INSTANTANEOUSLY!
Nothing at all to do with Irish history. What a twist!
-t
15
Monday, May 05, 2008
Strange Brew: Game 1
Played the first game of the season yesterday in the drizzly, swampy, Charlestown muck. Which I loved, because getting to Charlestown is hella more convinient than getting to Dedham for games. Next week we're in Brighton someplace, I think.
We played a good game, only lost by fifteen, in a full game (not shortened by themercy slaughter rule).
Personally, I went one-for-three with a double (generous scorekeeping by the team captain, really an infield hit with a throwing error), and knocked in a run on a fielders choice. So I'm hitting 0.333 and my OPS is a solid 1.000. Not a bad line for the first game of the season, and I didn't have to go to Arizona to work out all winter (though I should have, I could barely lift my arms after swinging the bat. Thank goodness I play first base, I never would have been able to throw across the diamond).
Speaking of fielding, the right side of our infield is as solid as ever, with our star shortstop making two dramatic double plays (both 6-3) and a few more terrific stops to save extra base hits. The right side of the infield is also as solid as ever (that is, not very solid at all through the second baseman - still having a little trouble catching ground balls...and pop-ups...line drives, relay throws, underhand tosses from the shortstop on double play balls...)
The rest of the team looks good. After a few more innings the outfielders will, no doubt, resume making the spectacular catches we remember from last season, and our pitchers will once again be lights-out (here, of course, I'm speaking of the spotlights used for night games, where their pitches are usually deposited by the opposing batters).
A good first game. Go green team! (we changed colors, green is the new blue).
-t
We played a good game, only lost by fifteen, in a full game (not shortened by the
Personally, I went one-for-three with a double (generous scorekeeping by the team captain, really an infield hit with a throwing error), and knocked in a run on a fielders choice. So I'm hitting 0.333 and my OPS is a solid 1.000. Not a bad line for the first game of the season, and I didn't have to go to Arizona to work out all winter (though I should have, I could barely lift my arms after swinging the bat. Thank goodness I play first base, I never would have been able to throw across the diamond).
Speaking of fielding, the right side of our infield is as solid as ever, with our star shortstop making two dramatic double plays (both 6-3) and a few more terrific stops to save extra base hits. The right side of the infield is also as solid as ever (that is, not very solid at all through the second baseman - still having a little trouble catching ground balls...and pop-ups...line drives, relay throws, underhand tosses from the shortstop on double play balls...)
The rest of the team looks good. After a few more innings the outfielders will, no doubt, resume making the spectacular catches we remember from last season, and our pitchers will once again be lights-out (here, of course, I'm speaking of the spotlights used for night games, where their pitches are usually deposited by the opposing batters).
A good first game. Go green team! (we changed colors, green is the new blue).
-t
16
Friday, May 02, 2008
Reading
I'm addressing this to the Venn group of you readers who live in the intersecting circles of sports fans, and blog fans.
No doubt you're aware of the flap caused by Buzz Bissinger (author of Friday Night Lights, a totally awesome book you should read) on the HBO program "Costas Now" regarding the role of bloggers in sports coverage. (NYTime story)
I'm not going to comment, there's been more than enough of that in the blogosphere (and most of it seems to be of the cathartic "let's just get this out there so it's not running circles in my head all weekend preventing me from enjoying the derby/playoffs/baseball" variety), BUT, this bit by Joe Posnanski is a nice bit:
And what are our amendments to the Constitution but a comment thread on our forefathers' principal post?
The world as blog. Dig(g) it.
-t
Mad MSPaint skilz
No doubt you're aware of the flap caused by Buzz Bissinger (author of Friday Night Lights, a totally awesome book you should read) on the HBO program "Costas Now" regarding the role of bloggers in sports coverage. (NYTime story)
I'm not going to comment, there's been more than enough of that in the blogosphere (and most of it seems to be of the cathartic "let's just get this out there so it's not running circles in my head all weekend preventing me from enjoying the derby/playoffs/baseball" variety), BUT, this bit by Joe Posnanski is a nice bit:
"This is really a great point, and one that just gets overlooked. There have always been blogs. What do we think Thomas Paine's Common Sense was? He wasn’t working for any mainstream media — there really wasn’t a mainstream media. It was a blog written long before the Internet. It was a published as a pamphlet and published anonymously — and James Chalmers (playing the role of Revolutionary Buzz) called him a 'political quack.' You could certainly argue that Paine's blog, more than any single work, spurred the Colonies to break from England." Joe Posnanski
And what are our amendments to the Constitution but a comment thread on our forefathers' principal post?
The world as blog. Dig(g) it.
-t
17
It's Friday, Let's Vent
It's been a while since I've had these fingers o'mine pecking away at this typeboard here in front of me, so to get things moving, here's a post about some stuff at work.
-t
- The guy that sits behind me, across the row, drives me crazy. If he'd just keep his yap shut, or went anywhere else to prattle, I probably wouldn't mind so much, instead, he holds court at his desk whenever he can attract an audience, and when he can't he'll wait for an overheard bit of conversation and throw out a semi-topical movie misquote. Some illustrations:
- Mispronounciation, talking about movies: "Ya, they were independent movies, you know, independent? They were at the Canny's Film Festival."
- Misinformation, talking to his underlings: "You know how muscles work, right? Steroids don't make you get more muscles, see, when you lift, you're basically breaking down your muscle cells, and so your body is like 'I have to make more muscles so that doesn't happen again' right? And when you lift, your muscles get sore, so you have to stop. Steroids they help you not get sore so fast, so you can keep lifting, and it breaks down even more muscle tissue. It works because you know when you lift your muscles produce folic acid, and the acid eats away at the cells, and that's why it burns, and steroids stop it from burning so you can keep working out."
- Mississippi, caught in a lie by a girl from MS:
"When my wife got her law degree we talked about moving, so I was looking at places and one of my buddies said I should look in Jackson, MS, and I found this like huge mansion with a separate house on the lot for carriages, that had an attached apartment and tons of land for like two-hundred fifty, to three-hundred thousand."
"Oh, really? A mansion? That seems like a lot"
"Um, uh, well, it's in a town of like only four thousand people..."
"Because a lot of my friends live down there and, they all have houses, but nothing like that for three hundred."
"Uh, and, you've got to remember this is in like '98... and uh... well, we ended up buying a house in Bridgewater - I'm late for a meeting."
- LOST spoilers. Luckily, I'm up-to-date on the most recent LOST episodes, so this isn't a factor for me, but, when three or four people start throwing out theories (dumb theories) and someone else nearby says 'What are you talking about? That show LOST? I haven't watched it.' and thye continue to talk about significant plot developments! (hint: everybody dies! jk, jk). I mean seriously, knock it off, don't spoil what is clearly a good show. You want to talk about Jericho or drivel of that nature go right ahead.
- That thirty-something senior-eff-ing manager on the floor who insists on behaving like a twelve-year-old wearing two pigtails on the sides of her head, and using a mock-whiny high-pitched voice to complain about missing her coffee break because she thinks it's cute. It's not.
- Coors Light sucks. The beer is undrinkable unless chilled so much that the cold temperature overwhelms its many flaws (flavor, body, color, finish, aftertaste). Kudos, I guess, to the marketing team that turned "This beer is only drinkable if it's so cold it numbs your whole head" into a legitimate tag line "Brewed cold, taste the Rockies" or something like that, but I'm immediately revoking those same kudos for producing the awful, "Let's Vent" television spot that lends this post its ironic title. It's beer. In a can. Open and pour. Don't be a jackass, and don't put tools on tv. I change the channel when that ad airs.
-t
18
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