Ramblings Insane Ramblings

In the last ten minutes work has slowed dramatically. In order to still appear as a productive member of the staff I've opened a text message window where I will be narrating a portion of the day.

I am currently looking out over the cubicles on the floor and am noticing that the majority of the guys in this office have recently had their hair cut.

I ordered sunglasses yesterday, finally pulling the trigger on the expenditure after being both eager (for new shades) and reluctant (to pay the asking price) for some time. They should arrive after a few short weeks during which the manufacturers will, no doubt, be selecting individual grains of volcanic silica suitable for melting into UV-resistant shaded glass; mining and separating aluminum ore from the dangerous and exotic caves beneath Machu Pichu (the only known, terrestrial, source of eyeglass-frame-grade aluminum ore); and grinding the volcanic lenses to my exactingly unique specifications.

I am also drinking the world's largest coffee, the Starbucks Venti. Peace! I am aware that the verysame Starbucks has announced the "Trenta," and, at 31 oz. you're hollering at me now that the Venti is only second in the world of giant coffees. Let me reassure you. The Trenta is, in fact, the world's largest coffee *cup* but not in fact the world's largest coffee, as the Starbukiristanians must in fact pour a Venti, and then a little bit more, in order to fill it. The scientists among you are cognizant of this fact, and I repeat it here for my none-sciencey readers, "It is physically impossible to pour a coffee larger than 23 oz."

I am currently reading a Mary Shelley classic, "Frankenstein" on a decidedly non-classic e-book for the iPod Touch.

I am not blown away by the story so far. Stoker's "Dracula" was much better.

Halfway through my coffee and it has become apparent that caffeine does not aid my concentration in any way. So I'm posting this now, if for no other reason than to increase the spam comment count here and prove (to myself, anyway) that blogging has not been beaten, murdered, and replaced by micro-blogging. (But we all really know that it has. I blame the whale.)

-T

Scattered (aka LA X)

I almost posted today. (thoughts on the future growth of professional lacrosse and the challenges the sport faces in attracting a national audience (especially a television audience)(which are very similar, I feel, to the challenges soccer faces here in the US))

But, I felt the post deserved more research, and possibly an editor, or at least a rewrite. And so I scrapped it.

I just thought you all should know.

(the field is too big! one camera shot can't encompass routine plays without zooming out to God perspective (ie, everyone looks like ants!) and losing the ball)

(hockey is the nearest successful comparison, it works because the rink is much smaller than a lacrosse field, limiting the distance a camera needs to pan/zoom to keep up, and the black puck (mostly) stays on the white ice surface, a contrast that makes following its high-speed trajectory much easier for the viewer)

(football also takes place on a huge field, but most of the action is restricted to a stripe of field about ten yards wide (that's less than 1/10 of the whole field the camera needs to focus on. the exceptions are (a) long passes and run plays that break for big yards (easy to solve with one camera on the QB, and one wide shot for the ball-in-the-air; and a RB is nowhere near as fast as a lacrosse ball in flight (AND he is always at ground level!) and (b) kickoff/field goal/punt return plays which can all be covered with one camera at the end of the field)

(I'm getting a lot of clarity here...enough that I now realize I'm going to need a scatter plot in three dimensions to make this abundantly clear... stay tuned)

-t

Happy Dan Goldin Day!

Happy Dan Goldin Day 2009, everyone! I hope you're all reading this post from home with a drink in front of you, or over a pint at your local watering hole, having skipped out on work to honor the decision by the Boston University Trustees to grant a day off to the students of Boston Uniersity after awarding, and then rescinding, a contract to ex-NASA Mr. Dan Goldin, and obligating themselves to payout $1.8 million for breach of that contract. (full career summation here)

For those readers interested, here is a partial list of cities celebrating DGD '09: (east to west)

Boston, MA
Stoneham, MA
Manchester, NH
New York, NY
Philadelphia, PA
Baltimore, MD
Birmingham, AL
Milwaukee, WI (observed 11/20/09)
Arlington, TX
Lawton, OK
Seattle, WA
Te Anua, NZ
Mackay, AU
London, GB
Dublin, IE


Celebrating in a city not on the list? Let me know in the comments! We're still missing Eastern Europe, South America, all of Africa, Asia, and I'm still waiting to hear from you Antarticans!

Too ditching work, and getting paid!

-Tom

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The Hottest Dan Goldin Day On Record

We are less than a week away from Dan Goldin Day 2009!

The 2009 Observance Calendar is a little bit wonky due to the conflicting local customs, mid-week holiday, and gas boiler installation.

So, as a public service to all DGD celebrants, I present the following, official, Dan Goldin Day Observance Calendar 2009, please update your Dilbert or Farside November pages accordingly based on your location or circumstance:




A brief explanation:

Monday, Nov. 16th Dan Goldin Day (Traditional Observation) - International and Domestic* celebration of the holiday on the nearest Monday or Friday to encourage three-day weekend.

Tuesday, Nov. 17th - Dan Goldin Day (Founder's Observation) The happy coincidence of DGD and scheduled installation of a brand new gas boiler in my home provides a dual excuse to ditch work on Tuesday, which means a happy holiday for everyone who lives at my address.

Friday, Nov. 20 - Dan Goldin Day (Traditional Observation, Milwaukee) - Milwaukeers observe DGD on the nearest Friday to maximize the opportunity for missing a brewery tour, eating fried fish, and listening to a live polka band.

*Celebrated domestically in all locations that are not observing Milwaukee or Founder's DGD


Please contact your local Dan Goldin Day ambassadors for information regarding organized Dan Goldin Day activities including parade route and start times, as well as regulations for DGD float construction and municipal permits.

-T

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Drunk Physics Work!

I love science (via xckd) because ideas as drunk-sounding-crazy as the space fountain have a realistic grounding in physics. Screw the moon base. I'm building a space fountain over Disneyworld.

-t

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Dan Goldin Day Prep

We are two months away from DGD '09 and I want to make sure everyone is ready!

For a brief history of Dan Golding Day please refer to the previous posts on this blog (here). I would direct you to Dan Goldin's wikipedia page, but the "editors" keep deleting my updates. [UPDATE - holy crap! "Dan Goldin Day" is a sub-head on the wikipedai page!]

In brief: DG got paid for, basically, not showing up for work as BU prez, and we, the students, got a day off from school for his parade, even after it was cancelled, which gave me an extra day to study for an insane math exam, which I then passed, allowing me to graduate, then get job, buy things, etc.

To celebrate, simply take the day off work, and have a drink in Dan Goldin's honor, to commemorate those times when not showing up for work works out the best for everyone involved.

This year November 17th falls on a Tuesday, so the official observation of DGD will be Monday, October 16, 2009.

For those of you who cannot take a day off, feign sickness, or call out, I recommend a long lunch instead, heavily lubricated by alcohol.

One final note on the expansion of DGD internationally, this year we expect to be celebrating not only in the DGD bastions of old (Boston MA, Milwaukee WI) and new (Philadelphia PA, Baltimore MD), but a few new American cities (Lawton OK, Seattle WA) and at least one international city (Dublin IRE).

For those readers celebrating in a town I have not mentioned above, please drop me a line in the comments and I will be sure to add your city to the DGD roster. (I'm talking to you Londoners, Kiwis, and Antartic Station researchers who love reading the blog and skipping out on work for the flimsiest of reasons.)

Happy Dan Goldin Day 2009, everyone!

-t

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Dan Goldin Day On The Emerald Isle

In preparation for my impending trip to the Emerald Isle I am trying to immerse myself in all things Irish, and, as the trip came together very last-minute I wasn't left the time for some long-term study or prolonged build-up of materials, instead I'm doing as much as I can as fast as I can. Like the night before an exam.

Modern technology, it turns out, is the perfect tool for this sort of high-speed, last-minute, cultural skimming.

So, I've changed my homepage from google.com to google.ie, following random twitter feeds published by anyone within two degrees of longitude of Limerick (oconlan), subscribed to a number of blogs authored by Dubliners (like Eclectic Micks) and non-Dubliners as well (culch.ie)

[Which is where I heard this cover of The Beatles Come Together which I had never heard before.]

I've also been creating new Pandora stations seeded with Irish bands, specifically The Dubliners, and The Young Dubliners, where I found this, hilarious, song:



I'm going to read the collected works of James Joyce tomorrow.

-t

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Past Glories

I'm pretty sure there's a whole section of my brain devoted solely to being awesome on IM.

Consider the evidence.

I'm also convinced this part of my brain shuts down when I'm not IMing. I believe an entire quarter of my cranium has been dark since March of 2008.

*UPDATE* -- Ok, ok, ignore the above link and just jump to this comment thread, which is a better summary than I could give.

-t

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How To Find Awesome Pictures Of Things

I was browsing my RSS feeds, as I usually do when I get to work, and began to read this article on the isb.

Which led me here: ...

Ok, I closed the window I though had led me places, but, turns out, nothing linked to where I thought it did. It could have started anywhere along the line.

Click around online and you're bound to find an awesome picture of something. Case in point:


-t

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Life; Now Up-To-Date

I am married. I am no longer available. I am officially off the market. (I have been unofficially off the market for quite some time, actually, but now it's legal, witnessed, real, etc).

I (we) also bought a house. At some point there will be a housewarming (probably). With grilling, of vegetables (and also meat! burgers! steak tips! chicken! etc!)

So that's (1) husband (2) homeowner

And (3) the baby should be delivered either Thursday or Friday (free two-day shiping with Amazon Prime!)

-t

PS - I am still hilarious.

On Improving The Allstar Game

Some quick thoughts on changes to the MLB Mid-Summer Classic

• Belly-Itchers - I've mentioned this here before: Don't let All-Star pitchers pitch, it's boring. Sure, Halladay striking out five of six batters is a demonstration of talent, filthiness, or further proof that he is the dominant right-hander of his generation, but, as Glavine and Maddux put it, "Chicks dig the long ball"
  
  So, instead of Greinke, Halladay, Santana, Marquis, etc, the game should be thrown by middle-of-the-road relievers: the Farnesworths, the Julian Tavarezes, and back-of-the-rotation starters: Wang, Matsuzaka, Willis.
  
  Poorer pitching means more hitting which also means more defense, and who doesn't like defense? Instead of one or two good looking double plays, we'll get dozens of sprinting dives, bare-handed grabs, near-collisions, and daring stabs at liners in the hole.



• School-yard Pick-em - Plunk Everyone has the run down on this. Basically, fans vote, as they do now, but the leading vote-getter from each league becomes the captain of their squad and picks from the rest of the all stars, from both leagues. There should be a special award for the all-star picked last.



• Home Run Catching Contest - This might need to be moved off-venue, but I would love to see a 600-foot outfield fence for the Home Run Derby patrolled by All Star outfielders. Any hitter that gets it past the 410 mark gets credit for a home run, but, if Ellsbury or Ichiro or Hunter can track it down and catch it, they win $500 (or something, incentivize it anyway you want, I'd just love to see these guys be awesome when they don't have to worry about running into a fence at full-tilt.



• Wiffle-Ball! - Make the AL and NL pitching staffs play each other in a wiffleball game before the HR derby. This is brilliant. They can use the short fence from the celebrity softball game. Imagine seeing major leaguers make a wiffleball dance? Alternately, if you're worried throwing a 3 oz. plastic ball will screw up their mechanics, they won't pitch, just hit and field. We'll have a couple position players pitch. Swisher, Kapler, Lowell. In fact, if a position player has been called in to pitch at any point in the first half, they get an automatic pass to the All-Star Pitchers' Wiffleball game.

Other ideas? Make them hit with old school bats that weigh forty pounds like Ruth and Mantle did? Pull a fan randomly from the seats to manage the bullpen or draw up the batting order? Play with tennis balls and plastic bats? Everyone plays the game with their glove on the wrong hand! Others?
-t

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A Short List

Things I'm thinking about putting in my new house

• Professional Grade Ping Pong Table -
  This table will be kept in the secure, concrete-lined basement, as required by law
  [see Utah State Nuclear Waste Disposal Survey addendum (j)ping pong related containment recommendations], in order to conatain the ping-pong-awesomeness.
  



• Bookshelf Stairs -
  Form + Function = Fantastic Staircase in this shelf-turned-ascender, or one like it, that I'll custom build to hold literary treasures
  



• Secret Passage -
  Of course, to hold treasures of the literal,not literary, variety, I'll need a secure, secret space, so I'll be building some type of secret passage or hidden room.
  



• Musical Instrument - And, I'll need some way to trip the hidden mechanism to allow access to the secret lair, and why not use what Batman uses: A dissonant piano chord! I may ditch the grand piano for something a little different, though...
  
  



• Aaaand...something for the lawn...-
  
  

-t

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My Enemies Will Call Them Feathered Furies

Ok, I've found a new helmet for my jet-pack minions. Future minions, are you paying attention? You may qualify (after an arduous and terrifying examination of both your physical and mental toughness) to be a jet-pack trooper (which means you get A JET-PACK) and this badass mask:


Same designer as the old mask/helmet, but way more awesome and theatrical.

Also, I will probably equip a few of my whiny lackeys with jet-packs for coffee runs and small errands for this same reason:

-t

PS -My enemies probably won't call them "feathered furies" cool though that might sound...they probably won't call them anything because they'll be too busy screaming in terror.

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Watching

I've received numerous (one) complaints regarding the previous post.
Calling the post lazy, boring, tedious, un-original, and slap-dash I have been instructed by multiple readers (two) to post something else "for the love of all that is holy I can't take that accordian anymore!")

So, to honor their request to knock the youtube accordian post off the top of the page, I'm replacing it with the following youtube videos which are, by turns, awesome, hilarious, enlightening, trivial, and watchable.

First up, for the history buffs! Winston Churchill's Great Declaration speech (re-mixed, what!?)


Next! More history! Martin Luther King Jr. and I Have A Dream (re-mix)


There are a bunch of these, including remixing cable pundits and the 2008 presidential and vice presidential debates.

Blame Mental Floss for turning me on to these guys. And for those anit-youtubers out there, take heart. My next post will probably not contain video.

Mostly.

-t

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Global Domination: Patrol and Descent

Science hasn't been keeping up with my plans for global domination, but, to keep all you minions in the loop, I've decided to post a few items I'm planning on incorporating into the design of my evil legions.

1. Armored Patrol Units

These exo-cycles will be outfitted with armor and offensive weaponry to patrol the exterior of my compound, jaywalkers beware.


2. Stairs

I'm also going to install these between each floor of my command center. Possibly in chrome (except in my personal apartment, it will be environmentally-friendly renewable wood.


-t

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Don't Bring A Licorice Whip To A Knife Fight

These rules for gunfighting (from kottke) are hilarious and awesome.

My favorite is #10, hands down:

10. Someday someone may kill you with your own gun, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty.

But there are lots of other good tips, like "The faster you finish the fight, the less shot you will get."

I've amended some of the rules for application to a number of other activities.


Pillowfight:
1. Forget about pajamas, sheets, and blankets. Bring a pillow. Preferably, bring at least two pillows. Bring all of your friends who have pillows. Bring four times the pillows you think you could ever need.


Eating Contest:
8. If you are not chewing, you should be swallowing, communicating, and running. Yell "Fire!" Why "Fire"? Cops will come with the Fire Department, sirens often scare off the sea gulls, or at least cause then to lose concentration and will.... and who is going to summon help if you yell "Hot Dog," "Ketchup" or "Worchestire?"


Porn Shoot:
6. If you can choose what to bring to a porn shoot, bring a semi or full-automatic long "gun" and a friend with a long "gun."


Raptor attack:
18. Watch their hands. Hands kill. Smiles, frowns and other facial expressions don't. Also watch their teeth. Teeth kill. Also, razor sharp foot claws kill.


Staring Contest:
26. Practice staring in the dark, with someone shouting at you, when out of breath, etc.


27. Regardless of whether justified of not, you will feel sad about staring at another human being. It is better to be sad than to be room temperature.


Living with OCD:
2. Anything worth cleaning is worth cleaning twice. Disinfectant is cheap - life is expensive. If you clean inside, a mop and bucket is your friend. Pine-Sol is cheap - funerals are expensive.


Spelling Bee:
24. Do not attend a spelling bee with a word in common usage, the number of syllables of which is not anything smaller than "4".


Making Out:
9. Accuracy is relative: most make out standards will be more dependent on "pucker factor" than the inherent accuracy of the tongue.


Debate:
3. The only thing worse than a drawl is a slow drawl.

7. In ten years nobody will remember the details of grammar, sentence structure, or speech impediments. They will only remember who lived.


Small Business Management:
25. Use a employee that works EVERY TIME. At a practice session, throw you employee into the mud, then make sure it still works. You can clean it later.


Bodyguard Carrying Contest:
16. Don't drop your guard.


Parent-Teacher Meeting:
21. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet if necessary, because they may want to kill you.


Any other suggestions for the gunfighting rules?

-t

The Present Dead Are Hilarious

Emphasis mine:

Researchers from Durham University (queried, we believe) 200 non-smoking participants, taking into account their intake of tea, coffee, energy drinks, caffeine pills or coffee consumed on an average day as well as their propensity to see things that were not there, hear voices, and/or sense the presence of the dead.

[via gizmodo]

What they don't tell you is the present dead all sound exactly like Bruce Campbell.

-t

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Ariel vs. Bender

I think we can all agree that the awesomest classes of humanoids are ninjas, pirates, robots, and zombies. Age old questions, of course, follow these groups around the internet like rim shots after a bad joke. You may even be aware of the video game "Pirates vs. Ninjas Dodgeball"

So, I often ponder the very question, who would win in a fight?

But, I always seem to run into problems; One, the classic rock-paper-scissors circle, and, Two, the inclusivity problem.

The Inclusivity Problem can be phrased as a question: What if there is another category of awesome thing that can fight?

The primary example is, of course, aliens. Even restricting ourselves to simply humanoid aliens there are still an uncountable number to choose from (ALF, ET, the worm guys, Zim, Wookies, etc, etc) but each of them may possess some incredible power (Ben 10) useful in an offensive or defensive capacity.

And we could go on all day about aliens, but I am even more concerned with the rest of the categories. Who else are we forgetting?

Mutants? Mermaids? Playwrites? Cryptids? What sort of strange and magical battles could we be speculating on?

Consider, Shakespeare vs. Zombie; Yeti vs. Pirate; Robot vs. Mermaid (on land - in water?)

This is exactly why Celebrity Deathmatch should never have been taken off the air.

-t

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(A)Dressing Down

Christmas - A Summation:

One of the best gifts given or received this past Christmas was a book of puzzles by Frank Lewis (Cryptic Crosswords)

Every clue is a brain-teaser, each puzzle has almost sixty clues, based on wordplay, and the book has fifty puzzles, and, the best part, MOST OF THEM ARE PUNS.

Example: A count of the anit-Sandinista forces jokes, or, how Bach composed? (14)

A fourteen letter word that makes sense. Go. Let me know when you need a hint.

Other fun gifts:

A sampler pack of Tabasco brand pepper sauce. (Original, Mild, Habanero, Sweet & Spicy, Garlic, and Chipotle); Chicken Pox (among other giant microbes); and this kick-ass hooded sweatshirt.


New Year's Eve - A Summation:
Nashville is not all it's cracked up to be; mafia (a game designed to mimic criminal behavior and mob mentality) was ruined, ironically, by rule breaking; there was some delicious food; a painted whore of mythical proportions; and the largest collection of pretentious college kids I've seen since my time at BU.

Also margaritas and chauffeuring and loud, drunken, underage, hotel neighbor arguments at 3AM.

Suck it, 2009.

Resolutions - A Summation:

• Party more often in places that start with a "B" (like Boston, Birmingham, and Baltimore)


• Plan for retirement by purchasing stock in companies that share my economic, environmental, or philosophical precepts (Ted's Montanna Grille, Chipotle, Tesla Motors, Virtucon)


• Take my blogging inspiration from Sister Act II.


• Marry (in 2009)


• Keep the faith


• twitter more, and better


• add more T9 typing mishaps to my slang lexicon ("holy bras!" "zur" etc. (post coming soon))


• reduce my dependence on int-er-net memes.


• and support more things I enjoy online, like pandora, and wikipedia.org

-t

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And I Want To Be Somebody Important, Like An Actor...

Woo! It's here! The first signs of the machine revolution!

You were there when they announced the exo-skeleton capable of augmenting a mere human's strength three-fold, it is just a short step to throw on some armor plating and offensive weaponry, and then what have you got? Mecha, in real life.

And now! Machine-Brain Interface! EXACTLY LIKE THE MATRIX.
Learn kung-fu in seconds, enjoy the ultimate virtual-reality experience available, leap tall buildings in a single bound, DODGE BULLETS!

If only I could find a way to harness these powers and bend them toward world conquest...

-t

*UPDATE* - Monkey controls robotic arm jacked directly into its brain! It works! We did it!

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