Holy Smokes!

I miss publishing here everyday. I'm going to try and be more like everyone's favorite version of Whoopi Goldberg (the 1993 Whoopi) namely, back in the habit. (I'm sure 90% of my readership got the reference before I spelled it out (Donny!)).

Though pining for the days of updates-on-the-half-hour may be well and good, it'll only buy me about a paragraph and a half of post. As if the only thing I've had to write about in the last year and a half is not writing about this past year and a half.

Maybe it's this new push Google has made into the online social networking scene that's got me all riled up. Joining Google+ is having the same effect joining Twitter had on me all those many years ago (where I've just noticed my #Follwers exactly equals my #Followees!) But more importantly I've clearly remembered the html for hyperlinking without so much as a refresher. I can even embed videos! You should all watch this. Even if you already have because again, 90% of my readership is already following me on Google+ and I've been raving about it there for a while:

Recent personal updates:

Our team totally won pub trivia last week, beating our cheating nemesis Team Jedi in the process.

I also plan on winning tonight's beanbag tournament (and beating a nemesis or two along the way, if there are any lying about).

And tomorrow I will be collecting vegetables from our local Community Supported Agriculture pickup, or farming that duty out to a vengetable thief.

And finally, it's July, which means there are only one hundred twenty-one shopping days until Dan Goldin Day!

This is all probably the coffee talking,
-Tom

recommended download:
Matt Nathanson, Faster, and Mercy

I REALLY Love Science

We are going to live to be eight hundred years old

http://www.discoveryon.info/2009/10/switch-to-reverse-biological-clock.html

-t

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Dan Goldin Day Prep

We are two months away from DGD '09 and I want to make sure everyone is ready!

For a brief history of Dan Golding Day please refer to the previous posts on this blog (here). I would direct you to Dan Goldin's wikipedia page, but the "editors" keep deleting my updates. [UPDATE - holy crap! "Dan Goldin Day" is a sub-head on the wikipedai page!]

In brief: DG got paid for, basically, not showing up for work as BU prez, and we, the students, got a day off from school for his parade, even after it was cancelled, which gave me an extra day to study for an insane math exam, which I then passed, allowing me to graduate, then get job, buy things, etc.

To celebrate, simply take the day off work, and have a drink in Dan Goldin's honor, to commemorate those times when not showing up for work works out the best for everyone involved.

This year November 17th falls on a Tuesday, so the official observation of DGD will be Monday, October 16, 2009.

For those of you who cannot take a day off, feign sickness, or call out, I recommend a long lunch instead, heavily lubricated by alcohol.

One final note on the expansion of DGD internationally, this year we expect to be celebrating not only in the DGD bastions of old (Boston MA, Milwaukee WI) and new (Philadelphia PA, Baltimore MD), but a few new American cities (Lawton OK, Seattle WA) and at least one international city (Dublin IRE).

For those readers celebrating in a town I have not mentioned above, please drop me a line in the comments and I will be sure to add your city to the DGD roster. (I'm talking to you Londoners, Kiwis, and Antartic Station researchers who love reading the blog and skipping out on work for the flimsiest of reasons.)

Happy Dan Goldin Day 2009, everyone!

-t

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My Enemies Will Call Them Feathered Furies

Ok, I've found a new helmet for my jet-pack minions. Future minions, are you paying attention? You may qualify (after an arduous and terrifying examination of both your physical and mental toughness) to be a jet-pack trooper (which means you get A JET-PACK) and this badass mask:


Same designer as the old mask/helmet, but way more awesome and theatrical.

Also, I will probably equip a few of my whiny lackeys with jet-packs for coffee runs and small errands for this same reason:

-t

PS -My enemies probably won't call them "feathered furies" cool though that might sound...they probably won't call them anything because they'll be too busy screaming in terror.

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Big News!

My collarbone is mostly healed. (roughly 67% now).

Still no sporting activities, until it's completely healed, but then, it's like you'll never know it was broken, except for the giant hideous lump.

Oh, also, I'd like to apologize for disappointing the residents of Tempe, Arizona, I will not being moving out to your desert community anytime soon, as our realtor just called to inform us that the sellers have agreed to our offer on a house here in the great Northeast.

But don't despair overmuch, Tempe, you're still in the top three retirement cities. Thirty-years isn't too long to wait.

-t

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Back-of-the-Napkin

A quick back of the napkin calculation (arrived after researching Half & Half varieties, and seeing the Jesus Shuttlesworth variant)

Ray Allen trails Reggie Miller by just over 260 three-pointers for the all time NBA record.

Ray Allen nets almost 40% of the threes he takes (career 0.398).

Which means, to make 260 three-pointers he needs to attempt 650.

Ray Allen averages 6.1 3-pt attempts per game, which means

He'll need to play 108 more games to break Reggie Miller's all time three-point scoring record.

(assuming, of course 3PA, 3P%, etc remain the same).

Allen has averaged 62 games per season over his career, though three seasons were shortened significantly by injury. I expect 70-75 games is closer to normal, and with that assumption, Ray needs to play one and one-half seasons to hold the record free and clear.

Which is half a season longer than his contract with the Celtics. Here's hoping he can stick around.

-t

(stats from basketball-reference

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Global Domination: Patrol and Descent

Science hasn't been keeping up with my plans for global domination, but, to keep all you minions in the loop, I've decided to post a few items I'm planning on incorporating into the design of my evil legions.

1. Armored Patrol Units

These exo-cycles will be outfitted with armor and offensive weaponry to patrol the exterior of my compound, jaywalkers beware.


2. Stairs

I'm also going to install these between each floor of my command center. Possibly in chrome (except in my personal apartment, it will be environmentally-friendly renewable wood.


-t

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Nerd Alert!

To: tom@work
From: Sam@home

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Is it wrong that I just entered a sweepstakes to go to the premiere of the new Star Trek movie? And if so, is it more wrong that I referred you and 4 of my other friends to enter so that I would get an extra 5 entries into the contest?

woot star trek!
~Sam


What's the Klingon for "nerd?" Oh, nevermind, I'll just ask Sam...

-t

Just BE-CAUSE

When I was in fourth grade I decided to speak more intelligently. I had noticed that speaking in a Boston accent can sometimes make a person seem stupid. Un-educated.

So, from that realization, through high school and some of college, I did my best to minimize the soft r's and enunciate.

After graduation, however, I began falling back into the old speech patterns. I didn't give it much thought.

Until today, when I heard myself give an explanation for a trade variance that began with "cuz" instead of "because" - it wasn't even an abbreviated because ('cause), it was chopped all the way down to a "word" almost phonetically indistinguishable from "cud" (ew)! This is a place of business! Finance! Learned men and women think here! WE DO NOT WORK IN A BARN! And I thought to myself, "I sound like a jackass. Knock it off."

So I will. No more saying "cuz." or "S'an-thing" instead of "Is there anything." I'm sure there are more. It's disheartening, sometimes, but no longer...

ELOQUENCE IS BACK

-t

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Last Complaint For A While

I've been bored out of my mind for six months, at least.


You would think six months of boredom would resolve itself into imaginative blog posts. Lots of them. It's certainly what I would expect.

Unfortunately, for you, readers, this isn't your typical "There's nothing to doooo, I'm booooored" boredom. Instead it is the boredom associated with seemingly endless busy work.

I am responsible for completing activities that require little to no though at all, leaving my mind free to wander, and my typing fingers shackled to the keyboard. Forever.

Even my vaunted efficiency is no help, as there really is no end in sight.

Formerly (you remember hypermanager, and the stupid kid, right?), my days would start with an avalanche of busy work, an hour break near lunchtime, another hour of work, then nothing to do until quitting time. This left ample opportunities to consider, compose, and creatively format entries.

Later, I spent some time doing zero work for eight hours a day and getting paid. That was too much to take.

And now I don't have one minute's peace for eight hours a day, five days a week. Plenty of space in the cerebellum for imagination, wrestling of weighty social issues, hilarious puns; no time for typing.

These ideas, topics, without an outlet, bounce around in my brain, jumble, until they are no longer recognizable. The consequence, for you, is there is never anything new here.

However, I was recently asked what vice I would be giving up for Lent (a Catholic season of spiritual preparation for the celebratin of the Easter holiday), and have just decided to give up: whining.

In addition to giving up something negative, or self-indulgent, for Lent, it is also encouraged, to do more of something positive.

So I'm also going to post more. Maybe even every day.

Here's hoping practice improves my style.

-t

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(A)Dressing Down

Christmas - A Summation:

One of the best gifts given or received this past Christmas was a book of puzzles by Frank Lewis (Cryptic Crosswords)

Every clue is a brain-teaser, each puzzle has almost sixty clues, based on wordplay, and the book has fifty puzzles, and, the best part, MOST OF THEM ARE PUNS.

Example: A count of the anit-Sandinista forces jokes, or, how Bach composed? (14)

A fourteen letter word that makes sense. Go. Let me know when you need a hint.

Other fun gifts:

A sampler pack of Tabasco brand pepper sauce. (Original, Mild, Habanero, Sweet & Spicy, Garlic, and Chipotle); Chicken Pox (among other giant microbes); and this kick-ass hooded sweatshirt.


New Year's Eve - A Summation:
Nashville is not all it's cracked up to be; mafia (a game designed to mimic criminal behavior and mob mentality) was ruined, ironically, by rule breaking; there was some delicious food; a painted whore of mythical proportions; and the largest collection of pretentious college kids I've seen since my time at BU.

Also margaritas and chauffeuring and loud, drunken, underage, hotel neighbor arguments at 3AM.

Suck it, 2009.

Resolutions - A Summation:

• Party more often in places that start with a "B" (like Boston, Birmingham, and Baltimore)


• Plan for retirement by purchasing stock in companies that share my economic, environmental, or philosophical precepts (Ted's Montanna Grille, Chipotle, Tesla Motors, Virtucon)


• Take my blogging inspiration from Sister Act II.


• Marry (in 2009)


• Keep the faith


• twitter more, and better


• add more T9 typing mishaps to my slang lexicon ("holy bras!" "zur" etc. (post coming soon))


• reduce my dependence on int-er-net memes.


• and support more things I enjoy online, like pandora, and wikipedia.org

-t

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Form Meets Function

Perfect!






This will fit very nicely in my headquarters villainous decor. Video conferencing with world leaders as I held their countries hostage from this chair would definitely add the air of menace that's been missing so far.

I've emailed the company to inquire about adding a remote-controlled laser cannon to the canopy. I'll keep you posted.


-t

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Achievers

I've noticed decreasing number of references to how much I hate work here, and an increasing number of references to video games. This is due to the fact that I spend most of my time at one or playing the other.

I should probably be (first person) shooting for a different audience.

Left the house t-shirt design @ © SplitReason.com

-t

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President Elect

My ideal election day would look like this:

After waking early and lining up for the opening of my local polling place, voting, and getting a sticker I would

Return home, NOT go to work, plunk down in front of my multiple monitor setup:

(1) television hooked up to my xbox for playing Call of Duty 4 and discussing polling results and pundit predictions with others online (while "fragging n00bs")

(1) television set to automatically skip from MSNBC to CNN to CSPAN every five to seven minutes (with the top-of-the-hour check on Fox News)

(1) computer running multiple tabs including but not limited to fivethirtyeight.com, youtube, google reader, and some news aggregate site, let's say Yahoo.

Also, there would be snacks.

Then, near 6 o'clock, when the projections and predictions start rolling in for real, I would tune each monitor to a different network, run them all simultaneously and cheer/boo every result as it is announced.

And, snacks.

-t

Inventing an Industry

Henry Ford basically invented an industry out of nowhere. Before Ford, the auto industry didn't exist.

Now consider this: If you were going to buy a car, and you had the choice of two models, identical in every facet (style, shape, color, features, AWD, brakes, warranty, price, range etc etc) save the motor, which would you choose? The electric, or the gasoline-powered internal combustion engine?

Two Corvettes, one gas, one electric. Same torque, acceleration, top speed, etc etc.

Two H2's, one gas, one electric.

Two Civics, one gas, one electric.

All other things being equal, wouldn't you choose the electric car? Cheaper to charge a battery than fill a gas tank, right? Who wouldn't pick the electric car? Purely an economic decision, and as a bonus, reduces carbon emissions.

If one, just one, auto company had started researching electric power twenty years ago, and today released a full line of totally electric cars, wouldn't they wipe out the competition?

If Chevy unveiled an electric SUV, sports car, sedan, coupe, economy, mid-size, full-size truck, van, minivan, and motorcycle wouldn't they clean up? They would have a virtual monopoly on the electric powered world. Name brand charge stations would pop up all over the place to replace gas stations.

Instead, the car companies have focussed on bringing us bigger, faster, louder, more expensive versions of their gas-powered engines.

It's a missed opportunity to make mountains of money, and it still baffles me. Why didn't they do it?

Seriously, I'm asking. Is there a good explanation?

-t

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Braid: Best Official Walkthrough Ever

The artwork and story have been praised for the whimsical visual style, haunting
score, and perception-bending effect on the player.

I tried the demo. I'd say I'm familiar with the side-scrolling platformer mileu.

But then I visited the developer's page, and I am going to buy this game based solely on the official walkthrough. (It's a relatively quick read, don't worry, you can take a look:Braid walkthrough)

Best walkthrough ever man.

-t

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I Did It! One Thousand Posts!

Celebrate! I am now the proud author of one thousand posts! Woo!

I had planned an elaborate party with streamers, noise-makers, some animated .gifs, but that's a lot of work, and we all know, that's just not my style.

Speaking of work. I thought it would be fun to kick of the next thousand posts with a small rant about a dumb office policy.

Stay tuned.

-t

1000

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Office Ninja!

When I takeover the world all the mindless drones clerking my world headquarters will be getting their office supplies from this guy:


-t

5

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Re-Reading (A Self-Referential Post)

I am a great writer. I was checking the archives and came across this:

This is one of the reasons I think I would make a good rich guy: I would buy everything. Well, you know, not everything, but almost certainly one of everything. link

No doubt my talents stem from a somewhat wild imagination.

This dream, for example:

So I’m brushing [my teeth], and I’m realizing this toothpaste is bad. It doesn’t taste bad, but it’s…dry, sort of…paste-y. So I look at the tube, and in one glance I see that it’s expired, and that there are tiny little spiders living in the toothpaste. TINY SPIDERS IN THE EXPIRED TOOTHPASTE!

Not that I'm the only one with crazy dreams.

Finally, I would make an exceptionally great sketch comedy writer, (SNL, Second City, Improv Asylum, give me a call!) as evidenced by the bit I pitched and have been trying desperately to get SNL to steal, (as long as I get the credit for developing it). Seriously, tell me this wouldn't be hilarious:

I think they should make a stoner movie called “James Bong.” His agent number would be (obviously) 420, and in Q division everything would turn into a bong or a lighter. jump

It gets even funnier after the jump.

(I'm just filling up space 'til my millennial post. Dig it.) 11

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Craziest Thing I've Never Done (But It's On My List)

I took yesterday off - because it's Patriot's Day here in Massachusetts, and that's what you do: Take the day off, drink beer, and cheer for the marathon runners - or, if you're me, and crazy - wake up at 4AM, drive to Lexington, and watch the re-enactment of the Battle of Lexington and Concord.

Which is all well in its patriotly goodness, but, my abscence has convinced a few of the folks I work with that I was not, in fact, home watching the Red Sox beat the snot out of the Texas Rangers, but instead, was running, voluntarily, 26 miles through the streets of Greater Boston.

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"Hey, Tom, did you run the marathon yesterday?"

What? No.

"You ran it, didn't you? That's why you were out?"

Do I look like I ran a marathon yesterday? Do I look like I could have run a marathon yesterday?

"How did you finish? What was your time? - I'm looking your name up online right now."

Ok, you won't find me. I didn't run.

"Come on, just tell me."

I'm not going to lie and say I ran it when I didn't.

"I would. You look like you could have run it. I'd say 'no' if you were like two-fifty, but you're not."

Dude, seriously, I didn't run the marathon.

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So...anyobody know anyone who did run? I'm looking for an official number. I'll come in tomorrow and discreetly hang it up in my cubicle.

-t

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