Access Denied (Web-Based-Email)

Sometimes I sit at work and daydream about what it would be like to have a job that allows unfettered access to the internet. Then I start pricing Android phones.





-t

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Re-Reading (A Self-Referential Post)

I am a great writer. I was checking the archives and came across this:

This is one of the reasons I think I would make a good rich guy: I would buy everything. Well, you know, not everything, but almost certainly one of everything. link

No doubt my talents stem from a somewhat wild imagination.

This dream, for example:

So I’m brushing [my teeth], and I’m realizing this toothpaste is bad. It doesn’t taste bad, but it’s…dry, sort of…paste-y. So I look at the tube, and in one glance I see that it’s expired, and that there are tiny little spiders living in the toothpaste. TINY SPIDERS IN THE EXPIRED TOOTHPASTE!

Not that I'm the only one with crazy dreams.

Finally, I would make an exceptionally great sketch comedy writer, (SNL, Second City, Improv Asylum, give me a call!) as evidenced by the bit I pitched and have been trying desperately to get SNL to steal, (as long as I get the credit for developing it). Seriously, tell me this wouldn't be hilarious:

I think they should make a stoner movie called “James Bong.” His agent number would be (obviously) 420, and in Q division everything would turn into a bong or a lighter. jump

It gets even funnier after the jump.

(I'm just filling up space 'til my millennial post. Dig it.) 11

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Hang-gliding: A Brief Report

Having not updated in a while I decided to regale you all, my readers, with a story about how tired I am, as that is, seemingly, my now permantent conscious (almost wrote, "waking") state.

But! that's boring. Tired is boring.

Instead, I'll recount a dream I had once:

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I was hang-gliding.

I'm in first-person view mode, none of this out-of-body experience mumbo-jumbo. I know I was hang gliding because I could see my arms holding the steering bar, I could look up and see the point of the hang glider above me, symmetrical stripes radiating from the point, blue, orange, red, yellow. Feel the wind on my face.

It's a bright sunny day. It's hot, though not as hot here in the glider as it is down on the ground. Also, markedly less humid, I assume.

I'm flying over the city of Miami, along the coast. There are a few very tall buildings, what I assume are hotels, a strip of pavement, white sand, and the sea green/blue water. I can just barely make out brightly colored beach towels and the white V's of speed boat wakes.

The feeling of flight is exhilarating. For fun, and to see if I can exercise any control over the sensation, I pull on the bar and soar up on the warm air currents to gain altitude. Then I dive, lower than is safe, and back up again.

It's a tandem hang glider, and strapped in next to me is Toucan Sam. From the Fruit Loops box.

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-t

recommended download:
Flogging Molly, Lightning Storm

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Mr. Sandman and I are gonna have a long talk the next time I see him...

WHAT A DREAM I HAD LAST NIGHT! Man it was great, in that “man, that dream was so freaky I’m going to remember it for a really, really long time in a very creepy way” sort of way.

So. I think what prompted this was a conversation I had with my friend Kate, she’s moving to a new apartment. This conversation reminded me about the last time I was in her current apartment: I crashed there after a night of heavy drinking. So, that became the setting of my dream. Now, since none of you have seen Kate’s apartment I want you to instead picture instead a person you know named Kate, and that person’s apartment, as the setting of my dream, because, as you will later see, the description and layout of the apartment is immaterial to the important parts of the dream.

So. I’m sleeping on the couch in Kate’s apartment (picture your friend Kate’s apartment with a couch that I could fit on). And I wake up, it’s morning. And I go to the bathroom to brush my teeth. And I’m a little blurry-eyed (probably from being super tired and also hungover) and I reach for my toothbrush, and a tube of some name-brand toothpaste, Crest maybe, it’s light blue and there are sparkles or some stupid gimmick. And, without really looking I put some on my toothbrush and start brushing my teeth.

Ok, this is the good part of the dream coming up. I just wanted to warn you so you can put down whatever you’re doing before you read on…

So I’m brushing, and I’m realizing this toothpaste is bad. It doesn’t taste bad, but it’s…dry, sort of…paste-y. So I look at the tube, and in one glance I see that it’s expired, and that there are tiny little spiders living in the toothpaste. TINY SPIDERS IN THE EXPIRED TOOTHPASTE! Can you believe it?

So, my brain, accustomed as it is to figuring things out, offers an explanation in my dream state: Clearly these little spider eggs were in the toothpaste and it was ok to brush with it as long as they were still eggs, but after the expiration date those little eggs hatched to become spiders. Which were now crawling all over my teeth.

Ok, here’s how the dream ended:

I started to get freaked out because there were thousands of tiny spiders in my toothpaste, and then I thought “well…I’m bigger than they are.” And finished brushing my teeth totally UNCONCERNED about the spiders that may or may not be crawling around inside my stomach and esophagus.

That’s when I woke up for real.

-t


recommended download:
Ozma, Baseball