What fuels the compulsion we humans have to make lists? Why do we torment ourselves?
I'm not talking about grocery lists, or "people to contact in case of emergency" lists. I'm talking about unnecessary lists. The lists we make up, spontaneously, for no reason: "greatest Red Sox outfielders from 1960-1983" or "favorite songs of 2007." There is no reason for these lists to exist. None. And yet, there they are. People are compelled to list things.
The most worrisome is the great achievement list.
"Things to do before I die"
How depressing is that? "Things to do" by itself is pretty cheery, right? That list is a great way to fight boredom. Play a video game. Visit Grandma. Stage an all-you-can-eat-pasta contest. Write a letter to an old college friend.
What a nice list.
Then you go and tack on "before I die." Way to kill the mood! Not only have you just introduced death into an otherwise happy thought, but you've managed to put a deadline on it - (wow. "deadline" I'm going to have to do some research into the etymology of that word. it's this line, right, and when you reach it, you're...dead. how ominous) - so right away you're running out of time, trying to cram things in to the few
precious moments you've got left on this green earth.
Not to mention the list is almost always depressingly unaccomplishable tasks:
Get elected US president
Fly a plane
Walk on Mars
Get married
End hunger
Write a detective novel
Maybe you cross one off. Maybe you even get two. But if you care enough about any of those to put them on the list, then you're looking at disappointment any way it's sliced.
For the vast majority of list makers the time, energy, and luck needed to train for a pilot's license, fall in love with your instructor, be accepted into the astronaut program after your beer-and-mary-jane-heavy college lifestyle, while simultaneously campaigning for the Oval Office where you can effect the budgetary, philosophical, and R&D changes necessary to make manned flight to Mars possible,
get there, discover a clean, renewable source of food and energy, fly
back, and then find a publisher for your Hammett knock-off, is unreachable.
So, sorry. Forget the list. Right?
Wrong. Because, reason though I must, that it's a dumb idea, I am still compelled. I've got a list jotted down right here in front of me. And I hate disappointment.
So I've decided to make the list a little easier. Real goals, that I actually care about, the unattainable, they'll go on the list. But I'm broadening my perspective, the list is going to be more than just the "climb mt. everest" caliber goals. Here's a rough draft:
THINGS TO DO (before I die)
1. play
Halo the whole way through
2. visit Alaska
3. buy a house
4. coach little league baseball
5. get a law degree
6. do the crossword everyday
7. visit all 50 state capital buildings
8. win an election
9. get published
10. finish the book I'm currently reading
That's for starters.
Hard goals. And easy goals too. Any potential big disappointment will be mitigated by the sum of the smaller accomplishments, each valuable in their own way, no throw-away goals. "wake up" "brush teeth regularly" and "watch NBC thursdays" aren't making the list.
You may notice I left myself some room on the loftier goals. "get published" is easier to achieve than "write the next
A Tree Grows In Brooklyn," and "win an election" isn't as hard as "get elected world president."
I also intentionally left off any "funny" suggestions like "start a religious cult." While they're good for a chuckle now, I'd certainly hate to stumble across the list when I'm old and senile and think I actually meant to do it. Because even old and senile I'd be charismatic enough to lure people into a cult. People are easily lured. look at Forrest Gump. Or the Mormons. And then one hundred eighty years down the road some yokel who believes whatever the senile old me decided to write down will be a front runner for the Republican Presidential nomination....
Ok, I'm changing my goals:
1. Get a believer of my wacky religious cult elected President of the United States of America
2. Climb Olympus Mons
-t
