Everyone In The World Is Perfect

Artist Mike Mitchell found a box on his doorstep. Inside was a note and an improbable object from Mitchell's past

As one of my photographer friends, Brett Littlehales, pointed out later, it was even amazing that the tape had lasted for 45 years. He also observed in a typically exuberant way, "the chances of this happening are...are...like winning the lottery...no!...no!...more like winning the cosmic lottery!"

via kottke

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The Inventor Of Carbon-Copies Should Be Punished

Here's a snippy email thread that bounced back and forth today between our new settlements group and the international Vienna team. I am, as usual, caught in the crossfire. Instead of pasting in all the email subjects, headers, signatures, etc, I'm going to parse it for you as a bitchy conversation between coworkers:

Matt: Hi, going forward, can you please email myself and Susan anytime the books are opened so we can avoid booking entries to a prior accounting period? Thanks.

Vance (Vienna): I don't really understand your request. Opening the accounting period is Tom's responsibility, we don't open or close. Can you clarify?

Matt: Vance, this was directed at both you and Tom. If you request the books be opened I just wanted to make sure Susan and I were also on the email so we are aware of it.

Vance: In that case isn't it possible to put your email addresses on the master mailing list?

Matt: No, I don't want to get all of the email concerning every fund in the bank. We only need a heads up if these two funds are being opened.

Vance: And what about setting up a rule in that mailbox to forward all the emails to you in which the subject references these funds, or any coming from my Vienna team? I would like to avoid cc-ing one hundred people in every email. It is so easy to forget someone...

Matt: Fine. I will just have the trades team notify us. Tom, can you please make sure to let us know if the books are opened? Thanks.

Vance: Thanks for that.

TXT

When I flip open my phone and start punching keys a new text message automatically pops up. Instant composition.

My computer does not do the same thing. This has led to a lot of wrong, incorrect, and bad keystrokes.

I just booked a trade for "What are you doing later on tonight?" number of shares.

-t

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Books I Love To Hate And The People That Love Them

GAH. My manager and the new girl are talking about books they love.

"What was it? Five People You Meet In Heaven! Yeah, I love that."

"Yep, that was good."

"But nothing beats Tuesdays With Morrie."

Augh. The left side of brain my just shut down. I'm typing with my left hand now. Induced stroke. Are my ears bleeding?

"And OH! The DaVinci Code! Remember that one! I'll have to bring in some books for you to borrow."

Help help help help...Whew. Ok, I found my headphones. Can't hear them anymore. Wow that was close.

Oh, also, has anyone read Infinite Jest? Opinions?

-t

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DeSean Jackson Is A Dope

I wanted to knock that depressing post off the top of the page. Instead, I'm substituting this post, which should only depress Philadelphia Eagles fans (or anyone who picked Donovan McNabb for their fantasy squad).

Last night McNabb hit Eagles receiver DeSean Jackson for a 40-yard TD, except Jackson started his celebration early, dropping the ball on the one yard line. By rule, the play ended before possession changed, the Eagles ran it in and got the seven points, but McNabb didn't get the credit for the touchdown, and Eagles fans are all smacking their heads in incredulity.

Unfortunately, the video isn't up yet, however, there is "this video showing a similar gaffe he made in the Army All-American bowl.

-t

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This Weekend In Review -or- The World Is Falling Apart But It's Cool, Because I Think I've Got Some Duct Tape Around Here Somewhere

I was away this weekend at a wedding (Congrats, Dave & Penny!) and so missed most of the big news as it was happening. For any of you similarly in the dark, here's a recap, and we'll start with the lighter stuff:

• Brewers Bad At Baseball:
  The Brew Crew lost both halves of a double-header in Philadelphia, meanwhile, in their home park a displaced Cubs-Astros game was happening (Astros playing "at home" since hurricane Zebulon (what letter are we on now?) forced them out of Texas) and at the game Cubs ace Victorino Zambrano, and Milwaukee nemesis (coming off two weeks rest for a sore shoulder) threw a no hitter. Tough to lose away, and watch the rivals win at your home. Tougher still they haven't yet replaced the giant beer mug in center field.




• Palin Fodder:
  Tina Fey returned to SNL's season premiere to play Alaskan govenor and VP hopeful Sarah Palin. The sketch, by all accounts, was hilarious (called by one entertainment blogger "The funniest thing ever presented by Lorne Michaels productions"). My worry? Fey's interpretation of Palin will become so beloved by the populace folks will vote the Alaskan in so we can see more sketches. (Don't discount it! People like Will Ferrel's George W. Bush way more than Darrell Hammond's portrayal of Gore - SNL as political bellwether)



• Landmark Financial Institutions Fold!:
  From the WSJ:

  The American financial system was shaken to its core on Sunday. Lehman Brothers Holdings Inc. filed for bankruptcy protection, and Merrill Lynch & Co. agreed to be sold to Bank of America Corp.link

  It started with the collapse of the mortgage industry, and there are fewer and fewer options left for the big firms. Shares tank, brokers bankrupt, good news, though, I sold short on Simpson News Syndicate and made a killing.



• Journalistic Integrity Fouled By Crazy-Ass Photog:
  Jill Greenberg, photographer to the stars (manipulator.com) shot a cover of Senator John McCain for Atlantic Monthly but, disregarding protocol (and possibly her contract with Atlantic) she kept the outtakes indecentized them. Really. The controversial photos, and some analysis here.





• Some Good News:
  The Large Hadron Collider is practically guaranteed not to create a planet-swallowing black hole and end life as we know it in this solar system.

Braid: Best Official Walkthrough Ever

The artwork and story have been praised for the whimsical visual style, haunting
score, and perception-bending effect on the player.

I tried the demo. I'd say I'm familiar with the side-scrolling platformer mileu.

But then I visited the developer's page, and I am going to buy this game based solely on the official walkthrough. (It's a relatively quick read, don't worry, you can take a look:Braid walkthrough)

Best walkthrough ever man.

-t

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Dan Goldin Day Reminder

Dan Goldin Day is night upon us! Mark your calendars!

November 17th (as if you'd forgotten)

*Bonus* This year DGD falls on a Monday! Three day weekend!


-t

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*Footnote* DGD is always observed on the closest Monday or Friday in order to maximize three-day weekends.

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It Takes Twice That Just To Get Me Out Of Bed In The Morning...

As those of you who are regular readers (probably in the billions by now, as I'm no longer firewalled in China) know, I occassionally write a bit about the Red Sox.

It's certainly no regular feature, but I am a fan of baseball, and Boston sports in general, and do take the opportunity, from time to time, to comment on the current sports scene.

Well, turns out, WEEI, a local Boston sports radio station, is looking for bloggers at the new weei.com to do just that. In fact, they have decided to hold a contest.

So let me tell you why I will not be participating:

(1) The required 500 word entry isn't long enough to encompass the typical blogger's ramblings (see joeposnanski.com)

(2) They get the rights to the winner's content, because the winner will be hired to blog for a year on weei.com

(3) and be paid $5,000.

$5,000? Five grand? That's barely pocket money!

And I know, I know, you're thinking "Hey, if I were a blogger who regularly commented on the Boston sports scene for free, why wouldn't I want to upgrade to a nice $5K paycheck?"

I'll tell you why: Because it's peanuts. You could hire Jerry Seinfeld to blog for maybe a week with that $5,000. And my Red Sox commentary is worth at least Seinfeld money.

Yes, I realize Seinfeld's a comedian, but most bloggers are (trying to be) comedians too! Funny sells! Funny does not sell out. Not for a measly five grand.

Hell, that's not even enough for a hood ornament on one of these bad boys.

Other bloggers are with me on the boycott of the contest (for different, more defeatist, reasons) at Sox and Dawgs

You Can't Spell Courtesy Without Curt

I was quietly asked to step into the conference room this morning to meet with my supervisor.

One glance at the troubled look on his face and I guessed immediately that the discussion might center around a sarcastic reply I'd sent in response to an email from one of the girls on the tax team.

The original email went something like "The client wants us to check on this, please check on this and get back to me," and the email was, as per the custom here, cc-ed to basically everyone, including her supervisor, my supervisor, and the head of the division.

In a joking and sarcastic manner, which I truly believed was in character with the working relationship I have with this particular member of the tax team, and not in any way mean-spirited, but one-hundred percent in jest, I replied to her email with "Actually, as this is a tax request, and tax is your job, please do your job."

Which, as I said, I believed to be well within the established framework of office joking and good-natured ribbing that I had established with the tax team.

I did, please note, NOT reply-to-all and cc the whole freaking company, which is a crucial point that this member of the tax team overlooked.

Because she assumed that I had copied everyone on the email in my response, basically critcizing her professionalism, work-ethic, and ability, she responded to my response, cc-ing everyone with a curt response which included a cut-and-pasted excerpt of my job description as it pertains to client tax requests.

So, as I was called into the conference room I had an inkling of where this conversation was headed.


"Tom," my supervisor began, "I wanted to talk to you because, well, someone...higher up...pulled me aside and mentioned that someone on the tax team had become a little, upset, about something... Do you know what I'm talking about?"

You mean the email I sent to the tax team. I was actually planning on walking down there later today and talking to her about that. I don't think she realized my response was direct to her, not to the whole company.

"Right, yeah, well. I think, it, well, it would probably be good to realize that, if you think you sound a certain way in an email, that maybe some people might not take it the way you mean it, and that can be... less than constructive to building bridges between teams...and for your own business relationships. Do you know what I mean?"

You want me to be nicer. Got it. Is it just the email, or has this come up before?

"It's just that your manner... Look, I know it can be frustrating - believe me I know - there are sometimes, like with the international team in Vienna, they can be a little demanding, they call all the time, there are sometimes where I just want to fire off an email and really let 'em have it, you know? But - but, you have to take a deep breath, and be a little more... Maybe don't think about correcting them, even when it's clearly their fault, but instead, trying to accomodate and respond with something that will be better for building a connection with them.

"I understand your manner can be a little...curt, at times. The way you work, technically you're very strong. You know the software, you've gotten to know the funds and the glitches that can come up, and how to deal with them, or prevent them, which is great. But, your, building relationships...maybe can use a little work. Sometimes, like, maybe with the people you train, your manner might seem a little....rude. And I know you just want to get the job done, but like I said, the way you behave might not be taken the same way by the other person. Ok? That was all I wanted to mention."

So.

Be nicer. I have decided to embrace this idea of niceness, and in that vein, I have updated my email auto-signature from "Thanks-comma" to read instead, "Thanks-exclamation-point" and that should make the difference.


Thanks!
Tom

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Reading Writing About Writing

Alternate Title: Latin Is Dead, Alivey English!

Today on boston.com Erin McKean takes critics of the English language to task. In a nutshell: Embrace English evolution.

...if all these words look wordish, sound wordish, and act wordish, why are they all hedged about with the namby-pamby "I know it's not a real word" disclaimers? (Note: wordish is a perfectly good word.)

They shouldn't be, I agree. I make up words all the time, right here.

Like, "besotted," or "interrobang."


It's a clever little op/ed and I found the payoff right here:

Whenever I see "not a real word" used to stigmatize what is (usually) a perfectly cromulent word, I wonder why the writer felt the need to hang a big sign reading "I am not confident about my writing" on it.

-t

Overheard:

Leaving work yesterday
Woman on cell phone (whiny, contempt-y): "You probably shouldn't be there... Because it would be uncomfortable for me, it would be uncomfortable for John, and, potentially, uncomfortable for you - except, maybe not, because you 'aren't ever uncomfortable,' and you're not 'bothered by circumstance'..."

Walking home from the train
Guy outside a laundromat on his cell phone (matter-of-factly): "No, no, black. Like, priest black. With that collar thing. A little white collar..."

Bear: "Um...that's probably trouble."

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Agony Of Defeat

This should replace the pinwheeling skier on the opening credits of Wide World of Sports



Yeah. Take a good look. That used to be his elbow.

World class competition, world class hurt.
-t

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Impulse Control

If you have a problem controlling impulse spending, especially for $0.99 purchases, like songs from iTunes and Amazon's mp3 store, do not, I cannot stress this enough, DO NOT visit pandora.com and enter an artist you like.

Because Pandora will start playing other songs that you will like. And you will like them. And then you will buy them. All of them.

They even let you bookmark songs so you can easily keep track of what you haven't purchased yet.

Gah.

Clearly This Problem Has Been Resolved

Internet is down at work.

Official IT response" "We are aware of the problem and will communicate with you when the issue has been resolved. No ETA."

We can't even kill time.

-t

*UPDATE*

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To: Eblake@cashteam
Subject: Net Outage

Have you guys lost the internet? We've got intranet access but can't get to the web. I'm wondering if it's company wide or if they're finally on to me.

-t

To: tom@work
Subject: Re: Net Outage

It's just you - I can see this:

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Hey Is For Horses

Email thread!

To: Mike@supervisor
From: Buddy
cc: Tom
Subject: Hey

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Hey,
I have a control alert on one of my portfolios. Could you check this out when you get a minute. Thanks

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Mike's reply:


To: Buddy
From: Mike@supervisor
cc: Tom
Subject: Hey

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This is all set now.
Also- I'm more likely to notice and respond to e-mails that don't have subject "Hey" FYI.

Thanks,
Mike

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-t

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Staph-ing Problems

"I could use another coffee."
      -Buddy

This is how it started. "I could use another cup of coffee."

He couldn't use another cup of coffee. His cup of iced coffee was sitting on my desk, my desk, still half full. But, I had said "Ok, I'm going to go get a coffee now" meaning, of course, "I can't take this anymore. I have to get out. I need air!"

"This" is day one of buddy training.

It wasn't an invitation, I was trying to be nice, and I chose coffee as a convenient excuse because I knew he didn't need any more coffee - but Buddy invited himself along anyway.

Fine.

I've been holding back all day. I have been keeping the conversation on point: Training oriented jargon; Lots of acronyms. I have not recounted funny anecdotes from my vacation. I have not made small talk. Just the facts.

So we're standing in the elevator lobby, not saying anything, and Buddy, just to be saying something, I guess, says

"I had surgery this weekend...I actually got a staph infection. It's the kind you only get in hosptials."

[Pause]

"It's resistant to like 90% of medicine, so they gave me two antibiotics to take and the it's been making me feel really sick the past few days."


So, your slimy staph-infected surgery wound wants to come with me to Dunkin' Donuts? I don't think so, Buddy. I'm going to to CVS for some hand sanitizer, stat.

-t

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Softball Wrap-Up

I believe Blogger dropped my last wrap-up post, apologies if you're reading this twice.

We lost our last game of the season (got smoked, actually), but overall were very encouraged by our improvement as a team.

I finished the season with a .625 batting average (up from .500 last year) and with three doubles and a triple, an OPS of 1.418.

I think, if the roster stays pretty much the same all we'd need to do to push us over the hump and into the playoffs is add one really good bat. I'm going to draft an email to Barry Bonds' agent - he's looking for something to do, right?

-t

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Buddy Coach -or- How The Hell Did I Get Roped Into This

This Buddy Coach thing is dumb. Duh-umb.

And I don't mind telling you this after spending only about an hour and fifteen minutes (total) with my "buddy" (note the quotation marks) over the last five days.

First, an hour for small talk and get-to-know-you chit-chat over watered-down coffee and stale pastry last Friday (handily scheduled on the busiest day of the month for processing) that could have been handled, no problem, in fifteen minutes, or, if you include name tags, three minutes.

After covering what floor our team is on and what time to show up for work he proceeded with the small talk.

I hate small talk.

"So," my "buddy" says, unprompted, "I'm originally from Salisbury, Massachusetts."

Ok, I think to myself, as I sip from my lukewarm cup of coffee, you were born local, moved away, I can probably have the rest of this conversation in my head.

"Do you know Salisbury? Near Ipswich? So, anyway, I'm originally from Salisbury, but I moved to Newburyport."

Cripes! Newburyport? FROM SALISBURY? You know how he said it? He said it like "I was born in New York, but at sixteen I really felt like I needed to see the world, so I jumped on a steamer to Bombay and backpacked across the Indian subcontinent." Newburyport is FIVE MILES from Salisbury! Wait, wait, let me google map this... TWO POINT FOUR MILES


View Larger Map

This is, mind you, five minutes after meeting this kid for the first time.

"But I'm thinking about moving closer to the city, like, Gloucester, maybe. So I'm only forty-five minutes from Boston."

Whoa. Hang on there buddy. You have just blown my mind. You're talking about expanding your little circle of habitation to a whopping seven-mile radius? You're really seeing the world.

I hate training. I didn't volunteer for this. I stopped babysitting when I stopped needing pocket money for baseball cards.

This kid is supposed to sit with me for another four hours Friday afternoon. Luckily, I'll be taking a half day to fly to Alabama.

Wow, I'm looking forward to going to Alabama in the middle of July.

Basically, I'd rather die from heat stroke than sit with this kid. I guess that antipathy is a good sign for you blog readers.

-t

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My Buddy And Me

Buddy Coach Meeting

Hello All,

Congratulations on being selected to be a Buddy Coach for a 2008 Summer Orientee! Attached, you will find the Orientee agenda, a Buddy Coach checklist and an article on the Buddy Coach System. Please bring all three of these to our meeting.

[attach: buddysystem.doc; buddychecklist.pdf; Julart.doc]



What's going on here? Did I sign up to participate in the buddy program? Did I even know the buddy program existed? Is the company afraid their newly-hired college graduates are going to accidentally fall out of the canoe?


We are asking for all of the Buddy Coaches to attend a quick 15 minute meeting on Monday to explain the following:

-your role
-your Supervisor's role
-the agenda
-Day 4 (all day), Day 6 (afternoon) and Day 11 (afternoon) on the agenda. HAVE A PLAN.
-answer any questions or concerns you may have.

Thank you for your cooperation and continued support with the Onboarding to Excellence Program, please be prompt.


My role? In the buddy system? "Hold hands with your buddy and make sure he doesn't drown or get lost on the elevator" Really?

A small excerpt from the FOUR PAGE cover letter:


The Making of a Good Buddy

The most appropriate buddy would:
(1) want to be a buddy
(2) be proud of the organization
(3) be well-regarded and accepted by other employees
(4) be a positive role model
(5) be of compatible age, education, temperment, etc, with the new employee
(6) be employed by the organization less than one year
(7) have patience


Based on the above criteria - base on, in fact, the FIRST of the above criteria, I would not make a good buddy, as I certainly do NOT want to be a buddy.

I also have some problems with meeting criteria 2 (not proud),6 (over a year), and 7 (zero patience); and additionally, (5), how the hell am I supposed to know if my age/education/temperment is compatible before I've me the orientee?


At minimum, the buddy should:
(1) Show the orientee around and introduce them to others
(2) Show them where to get equipment and supplies
(3) Go to lunch together the first few days
(4) Provide an open atmosphere for questions
(5) Offer encouragement


I've only got two problems with this list. (1) I don't know anyone's name. I don't care to learn them. I'm not even going to learn the name of my buddy. And, (3) I don't eat lunch when I'm at work. I get a cup of coffee in the morning, and that's it, I work through closing. I don't have time to take lunch, I certainly don't have time to take somebody else to lunch. And if they really wanted us to eat outside the building and get to know each other they could give me a company card, at least, right? I might make time if lunch was already paid for.


The buddy is a resource for questions beyond the org-chart: Whom should I watch out for? What are the potential land mines? What are the "sacred cows"? Where is the nearest restroom? What issues are not questioned in this organizational culture?


Potential land mines? Asking me about "sacred cows." Whom to watch out for? Me. I'm the guy to watch out for. Ask me about 'questioning issues in this organizational culture,' and then try finding a restroom with your nose cupped in your hands to keep blood from dripping on your first-day-of-work outfit.

I didn't ask for this. I'm resigning as buddy coach. A pre-emptory retirement.


Remember, a buddy is the new employee's first workplace friend!


Fuck that noise.

-t

I Did It! One Thousand Posts!

Celebrate! I am now the proud author of one thousand posts! Woo!

I had planned an elaborate party with streamers, noise-makers, some animated .gifs, but that's a lot of work, and we all know, that's just not my style.

Speaking of work. I thought it would be fun to kick of the next thousand posts with a small rant about a dumb office policy.

Stay tuned.

-t

1000

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Getting Away From It All In The Midwest

The most depressing thing I've ever learned about Wisconsin:

When Wisconsinites vacation, they go to Iowa.

-t

2

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SauvignYoouuk Blanc (Red Sox Wine)

Last night was our company outing. Almost exactly like last year's. This time, though, in addition to the batting cages, booths for henna tatoos, caricatures, psychic readings, and green-screen photographs, they had a wine bar. There had to be sixty bottles of wine opened and waiting for us. They were serving the wine in the giant red cups you find at beruit tournaments, full.

But, nobody was drinking any wine, since, after all, it's ballpark themed, there are burgers, hot dogs, fries, cheeseburgers, and giant pretzels everywhere, and free beer; people were drinking the beer. Not the wine.

So, at the end of the night at last call, when there were still fifty open bottles of wine sitting full on the table of the wine station, I asked for one. Bottle.

"Hey, excuse me," I called over the ridiculously loud DJed music, "can I get a bottle?"
"A bottle?"
"Yes."
"Um...empty, or full?"

Hmm.

"Full."

So he gave me one. Sweet, right?


Anyway, I was pretty drunk on free beer at that point of the night so I'm not really sure what happened to the full bottle of chardonay I was carrying. I know I didn't bring it home on the train, and I had some difficulties sneaking it into the after-party bar. But the point wasn't to drink it, it was to ask for it in the first place.

-t

3

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RRoD - F#@K!!

This is the Red Ring of Death:



It has its very own wikipedia page.

To save you some time, the basic gist is this:

To save money, Microsoft decided to manufacture their own graphics chips rather than contract the job to a graphic chip company.

The Microsoft chips, turns out, sucked. They overheated and fried the motherboard. The indicator is, you got it, the three flashing red lights, RRoD.

Consumers were pissed. So, Microsoft, to their credit, decided to comp the repair costs, refurb console, gratis. They also decided to start contracting out for graphics chips.

I've been pretty lucky, so far. The consoles were failing at something like 17% (acceptable levels are normally near 1-2%) and I've had my system for a while.

Well, today, after work, as I was sitting down to play a few rounds of Call of Duty 4
RRoD

And boy, did that suck.

I called the repair hotline, they walked me through some troubleshooting steps, took my information, and will be shipping me a prepaid box in a few days.

So, I guess I'll have some time to catch up on my reading. Or Red Sox watching. Or I could just play more Super Mario Galaxy.


-t

4

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Troublemaker

I'd like to interrupt this countdown to my millenial post and take a moment to promote the new Weezer album.

It's pretty awesome. If you're a Weezer fan I can heartily recommend the Red Album because it's more Blue Album and Pinkerton than it is Maladroit and Make Believe.

Certainly more mature than the two previous self-titled discs (the Blue and Green albums) with a hint of the angsty lyrics of Make Believe, the Red Album does manage to keep the music much more upbeat and brighter than the bands two most recent releases (more like the radio friendly "Beverly Hills" and "We Are All On Drugs" than the later "This Is Such A Pity").

Maybe you've seen the music video for the first radio single "Pork And Beans" full of the internet memes:

Rivers Cuomo isn't the vocalist on three of the songs at the bottom of the set list, giving the other band members, unfortunately, a chance to flex their vocal chords. Bell is passable on "Thought I Knew" but the others are, well, they're pretty awful.

I'd also recommend getting the Deluxe Edition of the release, it includes four "bonus tracks" that make up for the deficient turns Bell, Shriner, and Wilson take on the mike on tracks 7, 8, and 9 of the official release (particularly bonus #1 "Miss Sweeney").

For those of you who aren't going to buy the whole disc I'd recommend the following tracks for download!

(1) Troublemaker
(2) The Greatest Man That Ever Lived (Variations On A Shaker Hymn)
(3) Pork And Beans
(4) Heart Songs
(5) Miss Sweeney (bonus track)

With "The Greatest Man That Ever Lived (Variations On A Shaker Hymn)" unreservedly my favorite song.

-t

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Office Ninja!

When I takeover the world all the mindless drones clerking my world headquarters will be getting their office supplies from this guy:


-t

5

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And I Want To Be Somebody Important, Like An Actor...

Woo! It's here! The first signs of the machine revolution!

You were there when they announced the exo-skeleton capable of augmenting a mere human's strength three-fold, it is just a short step to throw on some armor plating and offensive weaponry, and then what have you got? Mecha, in real life.

And now! Machine-Brain Interface! EXACTLY LIKE THE MATRIX.
Learn kung-fu in seconds, enjoy the ultimate virtual-reality experience available, leap tall buildings in a single bound, DODGE BULLETS!

If only I could find a way to harness these powers and bend them toward world conquest...

-t

*UPDATE* - Monkey controls robotic arm jacked directly into its brain! It works! We did it!

6

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It's Raining (On) Surgeons

FJM is a site dedicated to poking fun, and sometimes lambasting, bad sports commentary and analysis, in print and television.

It's written by a group of baseball fans who also happen to be sitcom writers. You may know some of their work, like The Office.

If you are a baseball fan, you should read the site. If you are a journalism fan, you should read the site. If you are a comedy fan, you could do a lot worse.

Here is a small excerpt of their work:

Ask any football, soccer, rugby, or lacrosse player what they think about rain delays in baseball and they’ll likely give you an answer we can’t print here.

"Fuckshit!" they'll say, those foulmouthed lax players.

What they’ll imply is that baseball players are a little less manly than other athletes simply because they won’t play in the rain. What’s the worst that could happen?

The game will be impossible to play, and no one will watch it.

Slower pitching? More runs scored? A few extra scratches and bruises? (Boo-hoo.)

It's not a contact sport, dummy. It's a precision sport. You don't perform knee surgery in the rain either.

link

In the same post there's a link to some great quotations on baseball.

-t

7

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Woman Wakes Up After Rigor Mortis Sets In (ZOMBIE!)

Weird news from WV this afternoon, found on bb: Woman comes back to life after rigor mortis sets in!

Or, as I would have headlined it:

FIRST DOCUMENTED ZOMBIE VIRUS CASE IN US
LOCALS FLEE IN PANIC, PATIENT IN ISOLATION, AWAY FROM BRAINS

Take the necessary steps to protect yourself. You thought avian flu was bad? Zombie Virus A is definitely, definitely, worse.

-t

P.S. Sorry, that last link is not a rickroll. It's a clip from the Evil Dead. Bruce Campbell is hilarious.

8

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Words Added To My Custom Dictionary -or- Why I Hate Lotus Notes

LotusNotes blows. Seriously. A lot.

A list of words added to my email spellcheck dictionary:

• 38pitches (Curt Schilling's blog)
• 3PM
• 401K
• 5PM
• 6pm

• Adina (does this surprise anyone else?)
• apts
• Attaboy
  

• Bioshock (2007 game of the year!)
• blog
• blogging
• bookmarked
• btw
  

• craigslist
  

• Daisuke (ok, it's Japanese)
• Donny (really?)
• download ("download" isn't in the standard dictionary?)
• drat (my favorite four-letter word!)
• dvds
  

• Erin (this is ridiculous - suggested correction? "Ermine")
• ESPN
  

• Fermat (Einstein is in the standard dictionary)
• Fermat's
• fyi
  

• gmail
• gotta
  

• hiya
• Hurley (from Lost)
• hyperlink (hey, email dictionary, it's the Internet Age)
• hyperlinks (cripes)
  

• Ichiro
  

• Jackie
• Joey
  

• Matsuzaka
• Matsuzaka's (separate entries for proper nouns and their possessives?)
• max (wow. I'm almost certain "max" is a real word, like, everywhere)
• MBTA
• munchkins
  

• nor'easter
  

• Ok (I hate capitalizing both 'o' and 'k')
• ok (obv.)
• online (alright, screw you, dictionary)
• ONYE
• Ortiz
  

• Philly
• Pinkerton
• punkface (this is one of the few I find understandable)
  

• RBIs
• rebook
• rebooked
• rebooks (probably the word used most often in my emails)
• RSS
  

• screengrab (maybe not a real word)
• screenshot (come on. def. a real word)
• Sox

• TD ("trade date" - MSOutlook spellcheck opts out of words in all caps)
• timesheet
• Timmy (honestly?)
• tpb
• tv (but "TV" is ok. ridiculous)
• txt
  

• Verizon
  

• workflow
  

• Yep

Any surprises in your custom dictionary?

-t

9

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Softball Wrapup

Game 3 - I skipped this game to go drinking with some of Sam's friends up from Alabama

Game 4 - Awesome game. We totally had the lead at one point! We were ahead, by like, three runs!

Anyway. I got there a little late and they put me in at shortstop without any warmup which turned out to be a mistake. The first play of the game was a one-bouncer right to me. I fielded it cleanly, and then threw it ten feet up the foul line past first base. Not even close.

I was getting heckled by the guy in centerfield, and when I turned around I realized it was our normal shortstop! So we switched places for the second batter, and I played center for the rest of the game.

In the second inning I made a pretty good catch on a sinking line drive. I'm no Jacboy Ellsbury, but I can get to the ball when I have to.

At the plate we got some pretty great performances. Three home runs ! One out-of-the-park, the other two the leg-'em-out variety.

So, inning-by-inning. The bad guys scored four runs in the first (helped by my initial throwing error), and we got one back in the first.

Then, and this is the really surprising part. We got back-to-back one-two-three innings in the field! We held them for two innings! Meanwhile our offense scored three runs in the third, and three more in the fourth! At the end of the fourth inning we were leading by three runs! A lead! Woo!

Then in the sixth we gave up three to tie the game. No score in the top of the seventh, so we came up to the plate with a chance at a walk-off victory.

I was batting third in the inning. No pressure.

The first guy made an out when the shortstop robbed him of a double on a screaming line drive up the middle. The next batter popped out.

Here I stood. Two outs, bottom of the seventh, tie game. And I....

roped a single up the middle! Woo! Keep the inning alive!

The girl up at the plate behind me grounded out to third.

But we got a quick one-two-three inning in the top of the eigth and in the bottom of the inning hit back-to-back doubles to win it!

So now our record is a very respectable 1-3-0.

Personally I went 3-3 or 3-4 (depending on the official scorer's ruling) with an RBI. I also broke up a double-play in the fourth which allowed a run to score.

-t

10

---

Re-Reading (A Self-Referential Post)

I am a great writer. I was checking the archives and came across this:

This is one of the reasons I think I would make a good rich guy: I would buy everything. Well, you know, not everything, but almost certainly one of everything. link

No doubt my talents stem from a somewhat wild imagination.

This dream, for example:

So I’m brushing [my teeth], and I’m realizing this toothpaste is bad. It doesn’t taste bad, but it’s…dry, sort of…paste-y. So I look at the tube, and in one glance I see that it’s expired, and that there are tiny little spiders living in the toothpaste. TINY SPIDERS IN THE EXPIRED TOOTHPASTE!

Not that I'm the only one with crazy dreams.

Finally, I would make an exceptionally great sketch comedy writer, (SNL, Second City, Improv Asylum, give me a call!) as evidenced by the bit I pitched and have been trying desperately to get SNL to steal, (as long as I get the credit for developing it). Seriously, tell me this wouldn't be hilarious:

I think they should make a stoner movie called “James Bong.” His agent number would be (obviously) 420, and in Q division everything would turn into a bong or a lighter. jump

It gets even funnier after the jump.

(I'm just filling up space 'til my millennial post. Dig it.) 11

---

Rate My Manager (with LeadBack!)

Last week:

From:admin@leadback
Hello,

Tom, your supervisor is a participant in the Beacons of Leadership program.

A key part of the process is to provide feedback on personal leadership styles. We will use a 360-degree multi-rater survey called LeadBack®. The results from this feedback will help establish developmental goals.

You, Tom, have been chosen to give feedback. Please take it as a compliment. This is an excellent opportunity for you to contribute to the ongoing development of your colleague. You are one of a larger group of colleagues invited to participate.

This survey will take you approximately 10 minutes to complete. Please note, except for your supervisor's manager, all survey responses are confidential and anonymous.

Regards,
LeadBack Admin

Well, I will take it as a compliment! I am heartened that my opinion matters!

As you'd expect, the survey is twenty-five or so vanilla questions similar to "Please rate your level of agreement 'My manager is an outgoing person who encourages open dialogue within our group, but sometimes can take it too far and become a distraction' Agree Strongly; Agree; Disagree; Strongly Disagree"

I try to be as accurate as I can. Pull no punches, air no grievances, objective above all. I'm one of the few selected, right?

Today:

From:director@beacons
Hello,

You recently received information requesting your participation in a LeadBack survey as part of the Beacons of Leadership Program for your supervisor.

This request was sent to you all in error, please disregard any emails and any survey information that you may have received from the LeadBack administrator or myself.

Regards,
Beacons Director

Oh.

Should I also disregard the compliment?

-t

12

---

Even Adina Can Appreciate This -or- A Good Reason To Watch NBA Playoff Coverage

This is one of the best studio teams ever assembled.



Stay classy, blogosphere.

-t

13

---

Reeding and Rounding -or- I know only four of you are reading this

I've discovered an exciting new feature of my RSS reeder. It's called "Feed details."

Scant details, to be sure, but salient, and very interesting.

Pick a feed, click "details" and you shall receive:

Posts per week

and

Subscribers

Ok, no big deal. Until you check your own blog feed and discover that according to google reader you're averaging 1.9 posts per week and only four people are subscribed to your feed. And I happen to know that I'm one, and Samantha is another.

Take, for contrast, a popular sports blog I subscribe to:
Posts per week: 59
Subscribers: 957

Now I've got a target: 1000 readers

Or, at the very least, to reach a number that doesn't round down to zero.

-t

14

---

I had intended this to be a brief aside - but, if wishes were fishes

I'm currently reading a book, called Ireland, and have been advised, that there is a plot twist near the end. "Ooh, I didn't see that twist coming." was the warning.

Which may mean that no twist was expected, or there was a twist expected, just not the one that was delivered.

So, as I'm reading, naturally, I'm keeping my eyes peeled for clues. Passages that may foreshadow later events, stand-alone sentences describing glances between major characters that are never acknowledged or explained. The abscence of exposition about a seeming innocuous point. "Aha, I think, the significance of that look will by the BIG REVEAL," or, "In a twist, that innocent explanation will actually be insidious and demented!"

I doubt I'll be surprised, is what I'm saying.

Which is ok, if it's done well I can still appreciate the architecture of the reveal, even if it substance has already been realized.

It occurred to me, though, that there could conceivably be a twist I don't suspect. Something that hasn't been hinted at ever, not once, in the book. That the author purposefully left meaningless clues, totally unrelated, hinting at a banal, ordinary, fully expectable twist, and then, instead of delivering, say, a curveball, delivers a freshly baked loaf of bread THAT IS ALSO A RADIOACTIVE ALIEN SUPERCOMPUTER!

You'd look pretty stupid standing there in the batter's box then, wouldn't you?

(That was rhetorical. You would look pretty stupid. It's a radioactive supercomputer from some distant planet. You thought it was going to be a baseball.)

There's no secondary reveal, either. No explanation. None of this "Oh, by the way, remember in the first inning when you got that hit I and the announcer said it was a "moon shot" that was an allusion to your former career as an astronaut, and the chapter about your best bud, the catcher, who rooms with you on the road, being an illegal immigrant from Cuba, that actually was symbolic, because he's actually an extra-terrestrial and instead of Cuba, he's from Alpha-Centauri - but he's still a heck of a catcher."

None of that. It's just you, an ordinary baseball player, and then an alien supercomputer that you could, if you chose, turn into a grilled cheese sandwich.

Or, imagine an Agatha Christie mystery (this is a particularly good illustration of my point, since AC is notorious for leaving out the necessary clues that figure into her big reveal, hated, by some, for cheating the readers) set on a train, where somebody dies, and all the passengers, who have never seen each other before, ever, and no one has any motive, and the lone detective is still plugging away, and then, at the crucial moment, he reveals, not that, by the way, all the other passengers had all starred in the same soap opera together back in the day, then served in the same military unit as spies, then settled down in the south of England and opened a bed and breakfast all together, and they in fact do have a motive, and you'd have known that and figured out the whole thing if only the history lesson had taken place in the prologue and not the penultimate chapter, no, instead, the lone detective reveals that the train is actually, ON THE MOON! And Moon Men storm the train and devour everyone on board the end.

How's that for a twist!?

Anyway, I'm now hoping for something like that. A twist so crazy it's almost as if the last two chapters of the book were replaced, accidentally, in the printing process with the last two chapters of some crazy science-fiction story set in the Star Wars universe, or where time-travel is possible. And hey, while you spent two-hundred pages learning about Irish history through the eyes of this young Dublin school child and his charming father, a history professor, often illustrated by small glimpses into early 20th century life, and clever observations about the Irish geography, you learn in the final chapter that the boy and his father ARE ACTUALLY THE SAME PERSON SEPARATED BY THIRTY YEARS As THE RESULT OF A FREAK TIME MACHINE EXPERIMENT AND WHEN THE BOY REACHES HIS THIRTEENTH BIRTHDAY THEY BOTH DIE INSTANTANEOUSLY!

Nothing at all to do with Irish history. What a twist!

-t

15

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Strange Brew: Game 1

Played the first game of the season yesterday in the drizzly, swampy, Charlestown muck. Which I loved, because getting to Charlestown is hella more convinient than getting to Dedham for games. Next week we're in Brighton someplace, I think.

We played a good game, only lost by fifteen, in a full game (not shortened by the mercy slaughter rule).

Personally, I went one-for-three with a double (generous scorekeeping by the team captain, really an infield hit with a throwing error), and knocked in a run on a fielders choice. So I'm hitting 0.333 and my OPS is a solid 1.000. Not a bad line for the first game of the season, and I didn't have to go to Arizona to work out all winter (though I should have, I could barely lift my arms after swinging the bat. Thank goodness I play first base, I never would have been able to throw across the diamond).

Speaking of fielding, the right side of our infield is as solid as ever, with our star shortstop making two dramatic double plays (both 6-3) and a few more terrific stops to save extra base hits. The right side of the infield is also as solid as ever (that is, not very solid at all through the second baseman - still having a little trouble catching ground balls...and pop-ups...line drives, relay throws, underhand tosses from the shortstop on double play balls...)

The rest of the team looks good. After a few more innings the outfielders will, no doubt, resume making the spectacular catches we remember from last season, and our pitchers will once again be lights-out (here, of course, I'm speaking of the spotlights used for night games, where their pitches are usually deposited by the opposing batters).

A good first game. Go green team! (we changed colors, green is the new blue).

-t

16

---

Reading

I'm addressing this to the Venn group of you readers who live in the intersecting circles of sports fans, and blog fans.

Mad MSPaint skilz

No doubt you're aware of the flap caused by Buzz Bissinger (author of Friday Night Lights, a totally awesome book you should read) on the HBO program "Costas Now" regarding the role of bloggers in sports coverage. (NYTime story)

I'm not going to comment, there's been more than enough of that in the blogosphere (and most of it seems to be of the cathartic "let's just get this out there so it's not running circles in my head all weekend preventing me from enjoying the derby/playoffs/baseball" variety), BUT, this bit by Joe Posnanski is a nice bit:

"This is really a great point, and one that just gets overlooked. There have always been blogs. What do we think Thomas Paine's Common Sense was? He wasn’t working for any mainstream media — there really wasn’t a mainstream media. It was a blog written long before the Internet. It was a published as a pamphlet and published anonymously — and James Chalmers (playing the role of Revolutionary Buzz) called him a 'political quack.' You could certainly argue that Paine's blog, more than any single work, spurred the Colonies to break from England." Joe Posnanski

And what are our amendments to the Constitution but a comment thread on our forefathers' principal post?

The world as blog. Dig(g) it.

-t

17

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It's Friday, Let's Vent

It's been a while since I've had these fingers o'mine pecking away at this typeboard here in front of me, so to get things moving, here's a post about some stuff at work.

1. The guy that sits behind me, across the row, drives me crazy. If he'd just keep his yap shut, or went anywhere else to prattle, I probably wouldn't mind so much, instead, he holds court at his desk whenever he can attract an audience, and when he can't he'll wait for an overheard bit of conversation and throw out a semi-topical movie misquote. Some illustrations:
   
   
   
   • Mispronounciation, talking about movies: "Ya, they were independent movies, you know, independent? They were at the Canny's Film Festival."
   
   
   • Misinformation, talking to his underlings: "You know how muscles work, right? Steroids don't make you get more muscles, see, when you lift, you're basically breaking down your muscle cells, and so your body is like 'I have to make more muscles so that doesn't happen again' right? And when you lift, your muscles get sore, so you have to stop. Steroids they help you not get sore so fast, so you can keep lifting, and it breaks down even more muscle tissue. It works because you know when you lift your muscles produce folic acid, and the acid eats away at the cells, and that's why it burns, and steroids stop it from burning so you can keep working out."
   
   
   • Mississippi, caught in a lie by a girl from MS:
     "When my wife got her law degree we talked about moving, so I was looking at places and one of my buddies said I should look in Jackson, MS, and I found this like huge mansion with a separate house on the lot for carriages, that had an attached apartment and tons of land for like two-hundred fifty, to three-hundred thousand."
     "Oh, really? A mansion? That seems like a lot"
     "Um, uh, well, it's in a town of like only four thousand people..."
     "Because a lot of my friends live down there and, they all have houses, but nothing like that for three hundred."
     "Uh, and, you've got to remember this is in like '98... and uh... well, we ended up buying a house in Bridgewater - I'm late for a meeting."
   
   
   
   
   
2. LOST spoilers. Luckily, I'm up-to-date on the most recent LOST episodes, so this isn't a factor for me, but, when three or four people start throwing out theories (dumb theories) and someone else nearby says 'What are you talking about? That show LOST? I haven't watched it.' and thye continue to talk about significant plot developments! (hint: everybody dies! jk, jk). I mean seriously, knock it off, don't spoil what is clearly a good show. You want to talk about Jericho or drivel of that nature go right ahead.



3. That thirty-something senior-eff-ing manager on the floor who insists on behaving like a twelve-year-old wearing two pigtails on the sides of her head, and using a mock-whiny high-pitched voice to complain about missing her coffee break because she thinks it's cute. It's not.



4. Coors Light sucks. The beer is undrinkable unless chilled so much that the cold temperature overwhelms its many flaws (flavor, body, color, finish, aftertaste). Kudos, I guess, to the marketing team that turned "This beer is only drinkable if it's so cold it numbs your whole head" into a legitimate tag line "Brewed cold, taste the Rockies" or something like that, but I'm immediately revoking those same kudos for producing the awful, "Let's Vent" television spot that lends this post its ironic title. It's beer. In a can. Open and pour. Don't be a jackass, and don't put tools on tv. I change the channel when that ad airs.

-t

18

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PLEASE RESUME POSTING

Bwahaha. I can see my reeder at work! Victory!


I can, once again, read new posts without clicking through outmoded and outdated html hyperlinks!

Thanks for holding off posting your news/feelings/life developments these past two-and-a-half months while I sorted out these RSS difficulties. So you can all start updating your blogs again.



-t

19

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According to IMDB.com trivia I'm too tall to be an astronaut

Have I been reading something that's totally awesome? YES.

Here's a bit that should capture your imagination:

A few weekends ago I randomly spend a morning checking out the website of the International Space Station, and I get caught up in the ship’s logs from Expedition One, which was up there from October 2000 until March 2001.

The logs were not originally intended for public view — many entries contain redacted passages, and for the most part they’re just dry, militarily-terse accounts of the various acronym-heavy technical tasks and endless troubleshootings that occupy all hours of the day. But I’m impressed to see that the crew (one American and two Russians) nevertheless often takes a moment to log the movies they watch together during their down time, occasionally offering a bit of commentary on each one.

As I read, I kind of forget about the grandeur of space exploration and instead try to imagine what the hell it must be like to watch Apocalypse Now and The Big Lebowski and 2001 (not to mention “Lethal Weapon Week”) while crowded around a circa-2000 government laptop in a cramped, smelly zero-gravity tin can in Low Earth Orbit. (Smacks more than a little of Mystery Science Theater 3000. We got Movie Sign?)

link to the entry, via kottke

Follow the link for the excerpted passages. Some great bits in there, like:

6 FEB 2001: We ate some dinner and watched the last part of "City of Angels". Shep did his best to explain to Yuri and Sergei what the phrase "chick flick" means.

-t

20

---

Craziest Thing I've Never Done (But It's On My List)

I took yesterday off - because it's Patriot's Day here in Massachusetts, and that's what you do: Take the day off, drink beer, and cheer for the marathon runners - or, if you're me, and crazy - wake up at 4AM, drive to Lexington, and watch the re-enactment of the Battle of Lexington and Concord.

Which is all well in its patriotly goodness, but, my abscence has convinced a few of the folks I work with that I was not, in fact, home watching the Red Sox beat the snot out of the Texas Rangers, but instead, was running, voluntarily, 26 miles through the streets of Greater Boston.

---

"Hey, Tom, did you run the marathon yesterday?"

What? No.

"You ran it, didn't you? That's why you were out?"

Do I look like I ran a marathon yesterday? Do I look like I could have run a marathon yesterday?

"How did you finish? What was your time? - I'm looking your name up online right now."

Ok, you won't find me. I didn't run.

"Come on, just tell me."

I'm not going to lie and say I ran it when I didn't.

"I would. You look like you could have run it. I'd say 'no' if you were like two-fifty, but you're not."

Dude, seriously, I didn't run the marathon.

---

So...anyobody know anyone who did run? I'm looking for an official number. I'll come in tomorrow and discreetly hang it up in my cubicle.

-t

---

Big Papi/Yankees: Clubhouse Curse

Punk construction worker buries a David Ortiz jersey in the floor of the visitor's clubhouse in the new Yankee Stadium.

David Ortiz is in the slump of his career, hitting 0.070, just one hit in his last 29 at bats.

Superstitious Yankees dig up the Ortiz jersey.

I posit, that the jersey did not, in fact, jinx the Yankees, but rather, jinxed our favorite home town slugger, Mr. David Ortiz, and THEREFORE when he re-enters the lineup he WILL TEAR IT UP.

So, please, a message to Sox fans who happen to be working construction, STOP TRYING TO JINX THE YANKEES. It's going to backfire. That's karma. Educate yourselves.

-t

22

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One-Eyed Frank

Sam and I planned to atten a performance Saturday night at the Improv Asylum. Before we got there, though, we had to get there.

We had tickets for the eight o'clock show. The Red Sox played at 3:45PM. Plenty of time, I thought, even with the average Sox/Yanks game lasting 3.5 hours.

Around about the fourth inning it started raining outside the apartment, the rain headed into the city of Boston, no doubt, the torrent certain to cause a delay unless they wrapped up the next three innings in ten pitches or so (not going to happen with Youk, Drew, Pedroia, Manny...)(ok, with that lineup, it's not going to happen unless Lugo bats nine times in a row).

The rain holds off, until the eighth, just as they call Papelbon in for a four out save. Downpour - out comes the tarp.

We can't stay for the end of the game and still make the improv show, so we head to the train, and I call some people to make sure I get updates on the Fenway situation throughout the night.

As we arrive at the train station I calculate that we have exactly enough time to get on the train, ride to Haymarket, and pick up our tickets.

What I forgot to factor in was the shuttle bus running in place of the train on the Orange Line (every weekend from here to the end of time, it seems).

Luckily, for us, the herky-jerky bus trip didn't delay us overmuch, and the Improv show started nearer 8:05PM, so we had no trouble grabbing some drinks and finding our seats.

The show was hilarious.

-AND- they totally used one of my suggestions for a bit!

Ok, so the crowd was a bit...lackluster. The majority of folks were attached to a tame bachelorette party (who knew beforehand that the Improv players were going to call up the bride-to-be for an embarassing skit, which seemed to be the only part of the show they were really into), and there were also some elderly grandmother types (one who couldn't stop herself grooving to the hip-hop beat laid down by the DJ between sketches).

There was also a family celebrating their son's fourteenth birthday who gets nominated for "Line of the Night" with his response to the Improv actress asking why he hadn't been calling her: "Well, I've been kinda busy, it's tax time." The kid's quick on his feet.

Anyway, as they came back from intermission they called out to the audience to suggest a location that would fit on the stage. I yelled out (so as not to be drowned out by the non-existent participation from the rest of the audience) "Pirate ship!" and the MC turned and was all "YES! Your shit is totally on top of it tonight! Awesome!"

The skit highlighted a be-hooked unlucky-in-love pirate captain named One-Eyed Frank.

So that was pretty cool.

On the train bus home Samantha and I sat next to a drunk baseball fan. How'd we know he was a baseball fan? As he blearily eyed the passengers on the bus, he raised his fist in solidarity with an older woman in a Yankee warm-up jacket. "You're a Yankee fan?" he slurred, "We're outnumbered here."

He then went on to describe to the man sitting opposite that he had grown up next door to Manny Ramirez in New York, and Manny used to hang out with him as a kid. And play baseball with him. And...fell asleep.

Go Sox.

---

23

Early Weekend Remarks

It's Saturday morning. Samantha is sitting next to me on the couch, apropos of nothing she says:

"I'm so easy to get blood out of."

I think this is going to be a pretty good weekend.

-t

24

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Self-Congratulatory

It is with great pleasure, today, that I note I am nearing my millenial post here at the web log. This self-congratulatory announcement will serve as post number nine hundred seventy-five.

I will therefore take this opportunity to offer, from you, the readers, to me, your beloved author, your thanks and appreciation for my unflagging devotion to posts and updates of highest quality, voluminous quantity, and wondrous oddity. That I have accomplished so much, so quickly, and with, seemingly, so little help (or audience), speaks heartily to the vast powers of the internet and my indubious ability to harness those powers in order to provide such terrific stuffs on such a regular, uninterrupted, pace.

To celebrate this momentous occassion a countdown and preparations for some type of festive parade will be initiated.

I will also take this opportunity to accept your thanks and appreciation. Let the countdown begin.

25

In the meantime, I encourage you, my loyal readers, as always, to look to your own approaching milestones, or, if you have none, to embark upon a carefully considered and well-chosen journey, literal or metaphorical, perhaps a journey where private reflection and personal growth can be paired with a blossoming new-media outlet to provide public entertainment. Or you could start a blog. There are lots of tracks, and many markers along the ways - So, thank you, for trailing along behind me, in the cloud of dust raised by my steady, marching footsteps, to this one.

-Tom

---

Great Way To Kill Time And Remind Yourself How Smart You Used To Be In College

How I've been spending my time:

How many elements can you name? (I logged a dismal 35 elements)

Check out the other links on the site, highlights include:

Name the countries in:

1. Europe


2. Asia


3. Africa


4. South America (I forgot two, and named an extra six that are actually in Central America)

Name all the major leage baseball teams, US Presidents

and more!


Seriously, it's just a bit addicting, and I'm almost ashamed to admit I did better on Tom Hanks movies than I did naming the Presidents.

-t

---

MLB Boston Red Sox 2008 Preview

2008 Red Sox Preview:

Offense:

Manny's the comeback kid this year, I expect above average HRs and RBIs this season, I expect the Sox pick up his option for next year, and he'll continue opening up to the media revealing, slowly but surely, that we really haven't been missing all that much.

Ortiz will recover nicely from the minor knee clean-up and will be the clutch hitter we've all come to expect. I dig the new longer hair and am putting the over-under on new beard styles at seven.

Pedroia and Ellsbury will start slow and level off at just over and just under.300 this year, respectively. We'll see 35 steals from Ellsbury and Lugo will be just behind him with 32.

More of the same from Youk, a sharp decline from Varitek (~.215), a decline in home run power from Lowell (though we'll still see the doubles and average).

Finally, the Moss, Crisp, and Drew platoon will be awkward for a month-and a half while Drew hovers near the Mendoza line, Crisp dips below it, and Francona can't justify defering to Drew's monster contract to keep Moss on the bench with a .310 average. After that we'll see Crisp released or traded for thirty cents on the dollar (couple-a minor leaguers, low draft pick or PTBNL) and Drew start to pick up that giant green f-ing wall in left field and turn into a double machine. Moss will be a good pinch-hitter off the bench and spell Ellsbury in center when needed.

Defense:

I'd like to start the 2008 Defensive Preview by stating that COCO CRISP WAS TOTALLY ROBBED OF THE GOLD GLOVE IN 2007! THEFT OF THE HIGHEST ORDER AND YOU VOTERS SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSEVES.

Ok, I predict that this year Youk will make some errors, Lowell will not boot 27 balls in the first two weeks of home games, Ellsbury will misjudge a few more fly balls in the triangle, Manny will still surprise runners with his arm (and national announcers with his high OF assist numbers), and Cash will be better than expected catching Wake.

Pitching

The Red Sox training staff should be commended for handling Beckett's back spasms as patiently and cautiously as they have. Slowing down the franchise pitcher's recovery can only help in the long run. We'll see him get roughed up in his first few starts (but I expect the big bats will be out in force and help kick-start his win total); we'll see him start to surge near the All-Star break, and finish strong through September.

Matsuzaka, though, will be another story. Until he stops nibbling and only throws what Varitek calls for, he's going to get hit all over the place. An ERA north of five isn't out of the question in the first half of the season. Expect quality starts and not much else. (Once he does start listening to Tek, though, he'll be absolutely lights out).


Buccholz has to work through rookie jitters. If he can lower expectations for himself, and just try for some quality starts I think we'll see him come into his own as the season progresses.

Colon is going to be the surprise pick-up of the season, the way he's been throwing the ball could see him get ten wins if he keeps a spot in the rotation (subbing for Buchholz early on, and Lester later).

And speaking of Lester, I fear the national media, and Boston sports radio, will continue to harp on his performance, expecting the next coming of Sandy Koufax, and lambasting him for being (just) a decent third or fourth starter. As always, if Lester can keep the ball in the zone he will be fine. He is his own worst enemy. (Though, you Sox fans may recall, when Lester was first called up for some spot starts he seemed to walk the bases loaded and then pitch brilliantly to get out of the jam. He was a left-handed Houdini with runners in scoring position. I therefore move that Francona calls for two intentional walks at the begining of every inning Lester's on the mound (or, to keep the pitch count down, intentional catcher's interference) and then we'll see some Cy Young caliber pitching!).

Wakefield will eat up innings and keep hitters guessing. I should go buy a Wakefield jersey.

Bullpen:

Papelbon will anchor a solid 'pen much like last year. We'll see more of Delcarmen in a set-up role, and Okajima will be used more as a specialist at the back end of the sixth and early seventh innings. I expect Brian Corey to make the roster, though I'd rather have Lopez, as I doubt he'd make it through waivers to Pawtucket. Timlin should be fine after his finger laceration recovers, and I'm sure the staff will watch him for signs of fatigue after the midpoint of the season.


Final numbers for the hurlers:
Beckett: 19-7 3.18
Matsuzaka: 16-13 4.80 (will lead the team in walks)
Lester: 15-14 4.40
Wakefield: 17-16 5.00
Buchholz: 12-6 3.33
Colon: 10-4 3.60
Papelbon: 2-2-33 1.70
Delcarmen: 3-1-5 2.00
Okajima: 3-0-2 2.50


Additional thoughts:

Colon will be the biggest (ha) story of the first half; Matsuzaka-mania will, again, control the media and merchandising; I expect good things from Moss, he's not too far away from an every-day position; Ellsbury's bat will heat up after an initial slump and his speed will continue to wow crowds; Papelbon will get progressively crazier off the mound (and stay just as scary on); Epstein will get shafted on the Crisp deal, because there isn't any way around it.

Standings:

I think Toronto's pitching could give us trouble, we've seen the Sox bat's go north and turn cold before, and Tampa will be trouble, Orioles will wind up dead last, and the Yankees, they are what they are, and I'm already sick of Steinbrenner the Second mouthing off.

American League	Natinal League
Angels win the West	Padres win the West
Tigers win the Central	Cubs win the Central
Sox win the East	Mets win the East
Indians win the Wild Card	Phillies win the Wild Card*

*I'd like to pick the Reds as a surprise Wild Card winner, but every single arm on Dusty Baker's pitching staff is going to fall off by September.

Leave your thoughts in the comments.

-t

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Hippies

There is a fifteen-foot retaining wall separating my back yard from my neighbors'. As kids we'd lose basketballs and baseballs and frisbees over the fence, and the family that lived on the other side, at the bottom of the wall, was always nice enough to throw them back over. They owned two little terriers that would race in circles around their yard, from the base of the wall, to their back door, and bark whenever we were out playing.

Our swingset was near the wall, and, if you were old enough, you could get the swing going so fast that it would seem like the high end of your backswing would carry you out over the wall, and your could stare twenty feet straight down to certain death (and two little terriers racing around in circles)(actually, I think the swing's furthest reach still put you two feet from the edge, but it sure seemed daring when you were nine).

There was also a big oak tree growing up from the wall, and in time, the root system started to weaken the concrete keeping our swingset, and ten tons of earth, from falling backward onto our neighbors' yard, so my parents hired a tree guy to come in with his crew and cut it down.

It took three days, if I'm remembering correctly, and was pretty awesome. There was one big guy with a chainsaw who oversaw all of the ropes, there was a little guy who had gone to tree-cutting college and spent all of his time swinging among the highest branches, and the crew leader, a bearded, long-haried hippie, Ted Smith.

Hang on, just received an email:
To: tom@work
From: sam@couchpotato

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This hippie woman on television just named her baby "Joy Increasing."

Her middle name is "Increasing."

Seriously. License to breed.

---

Anyway, this crew leader had two kids, and, being a hippie, they had weird names. His daughter's name was Aurora Borealis Smith.

Which really isn't that bad at all. His son was Buck. I'm not making this up...

Buck Aroo Smith.

-t

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"Play (Chemically Enhanced) Ball!"

Work softball is back!

We've just completed our first email thread of the season discussing potential new names for our squad.

I propsed "The Bearded Wonders" for us, especially funny because no one on the team wears a beard (though, in my case, it's certainly not for lack of trying). Others included "Team Great!" (exclamation point included), "Strange Brew" (the favorite, and "Pedroia's Ping Pong Posse" (too long).

My suggestsion came in third in the voting, but it was a close race (McCain-Huckabee close). Luckily, this year, our team name won't feature any puns on performance enhancing drugs (BALCO Lab Rats, The Linseed Oilers, Mo'PEDS).

Up next, deciding on a uniform color. We wore blue last year (our rallying cry was "Go blue team!") but this year I'm pulling for red.

Because it will look totally great with my beard.

-t

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PORCINE POWDER PATCHES PICKLED POINTER

CBS News reports the amazing story of the regenerating finger. (via boingboing)

First ham; then bacon; now, spontaneous regrowth of human extremeties. Is there nothing the pig cannot accomplish?

A man slices off own finger while building model guillotine airplane.* Research scientist brother sends powdered pig's bladder to treat the wound. One month later the finger looks good as new.

This feat marks a long-awaited and exciting rebirth of the long-forgotten pseudo-science of miracle cure-all powders. Pull out that vial of powdered-rhino horn you've kept stashed in that trunk in your attic, it probably cures diabetes! Curbside peddlers take note: Powdered animal bladder has been proven to work, and the sky's the limit for the next wunder-snuff! Powdered duck galbladders! Pulverized meerkat kidneys! Chicken lungs aren't just for Chicken McNuggets anymore!

Expect a boom in mystery exlirs, salves, and ointments in the coming years, invest wisely. It's only a matter of time before the next Bill Gates makes his fortune crushing dehydrated aardvark intestines, and you'll want in on the ground floor!

In five years everyday expressions "like watching paint dry" could be replaced by "like watching limbs regenerate."

And it's not too great a leap to posit a breakthough in computer science allowing the ability to download a lifetime of memories to portable bio-computer leading to the entire human population plugging in and eternally regrowing host bodies for millenia, ushering in an epoch of peace and exploration the universe has never experienced! Get ready Milky Way! Johnny Mnemonic isn't just a pipedream anymore!

Nothing quite captures the imagination like immortality, with a side of bacon. Welcome, readers, to the new world.

-t

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* - Editor's note:
Originally reported, hilariously, as "model guillotine."
Corrected to read, confusingly, "model airplane."
How the hell do you lop off a fingertip with nothing but cheap plastic and crazy glue?[back]

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Very Important Information concerning March 25, 2008

A list of Boston Bars open for the Red Sox season opener in Japan, tomorrow, Tuesday March 25, 2008, at 6 AM Eastern (from Boston You're My Home via U-hub):

Game On at 82 Lansdowne St at 5:30 AM
Daisy Buchanan’s at 240 Newbury at 6 AM
Anchovies at 433 Columbus Avenue at 6 AM
Pour House at 907 Boylston St at 5:30 AM
The Avenue at 1249 Commonwealth, Allston at 6 AM

(check the link above for updates in the comments section)

By law alcohol service cannot begin before 8AM which should leave all you Sox fans plenty of time to get wasted before heading to work at the usual hour.

That's all for now.

-Tom

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Hang-gliding: A Brief Report

Having not updated in a while I decided to regale you all, my readers, with a story about how tired I am, as that is, seemingly, my now permantent conscious (almost wrote, "waking") state.

But! that's boring. Tired is boring.

Instead, I'll recount a dream I had once:

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I was hang-gliding.

I'm in first-person view mode, none of this out-of-body experience mumbo-jumbo. I know I was hang gliding because I could see my arms holding the steering bar, I could look up and see the point of the hang glider above me, symmetrical stripes radiating from the point, blue, orange, red, yellow. Feel the wind on my face.

It's a bright sunny day. It's hot, though not as hot here in the glider as it is down on the ground. Also, markedly less humid, I assume.

I'm flying over the city of Miami, along the coast. There are a few very tall buildings, what I assume are hotels, a strip of pavement, white sand, and the sea green/blue water. I can just barely make out brightly colored beach towels and the white V's of speed boat wakes.

The feeling of flight is exhilarating. For fun, and to see if I can exercise any control over the sensation, I pull on the bar and soar up on the warm air currents to gain altitude. Then I dive, lower than is safe, and back up again.

It's a tandem hang glider, and strapped in next to me is Toucan Sam. From the Fruit Loops box.

---

-t

recommended download:
Flogging Molly, Lightning Storm

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Novelties

I've got nothing significant to report today, and work has been muddling along same as always for a couple of weeks in a row. So here are some new things:

New Stuff:

Flogging Molly Float

It seems every release is better than the previous album. I like every song on this disc and have had five or six stuck in my head over the weekend.

The cradle was damaged, dug by the grave
Where you lie in the sin, for mortal's the soul
Forgive me this, Father, before I go cold
From burden of grief and all I regret
Spare me the conscience before I forget

Now I'm just hoping to see a Rock Band download featuring Flogging Molly for St. Patrick's Day (Hear that, Harmonix? Get on it!)

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Steve Martin Born Standing Up: A Comic's Life

I started reading this on the train this morning and have already finished the first third of the book. The introduction calls the book an autobiography, but it lacks the detail, and instead reads ike a memoir (or memoirette) of Martin's stand-up career, jumping from highlight to highlight, rather than recounting a blow-by-blow of each performance, or delving into any of the primary or supporting characters. Martin introduces his family with thin cross-sections and covers his early childhood in ten pages.



It seems a well-written, well-edited reflection on Martin's club career, and I look forward to absorbing the rest. The most enjoyable aspect is Martin's insight into his own motivations, and the origins and elements he incorporated into his stand-up routine.

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Next up on the list is a monster two-thousand page tome Quicksilver, by Neil Stephenson, and Moby Dick, by Melville.

-t

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Emergency Communique

To: Tom@work
From: Samantha@home
Subject: Emergency Alert

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A firetruck with lights and sirens just drove by my house at the exact moment the television did a test of the Emergency Alert System.

All the sirens at once. Just a little terrifying. :-p

~Sam

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Endless Rock

So, ask me what I did all day Saturday?

I played Rock Band a little.

And when I say "a little," I mean, "the whole freakin' day."

See, here's what happened. I thought, let's throw Rock Band into the Xbox, play a few songs, then see if there's any good cartoons on tv.

So we played a few songs, earned some stars, and unlocked "The Endless Set!" and I thought, hey, that's pretty cool.

I was wrong.

The endless set is 58 songs. Fifty-eight! Ok, so, imagine something you like... Playing Wii Sports. Eating a chocolate cake with frosting. Playing a game of racquet ball. Your girlfriend.

Now imagine doing it fifty-eight times. In a row.

It took the whole freakin' day! We played fifteen songs. I paused it, and took a break. Got a drink. Played another ten songs. Ten. Songs. Songs that are like, six and seven minutes long. That is seventy minutes, for the ten songs. That is more than an hour. Plus the fifteen before that. AND I WASN'T EVEN HALFWAY THROUGH.

This game is totally awesome. We kept plugging away. The halfway mark was awesome. We were all "woo! halfway done! only four more hours of songs!" (the songs kept getting longer and longer).

Let me tell you. At nine-thirty, almost ten hours later, we certainly appreciated the name of the achievement.

I have taken a break from Rock Band for a few days.


Just kidding. I'm about to fire it up right now.

-t