More Weight! (in the form of little gold statuettes)

Time for a review of my predictions for the Eightieth Academy Awards.

Best Picture

I'd say it's a toss-up between There Will Be Blood and No Country for Old Men -- I'm picking NCFOM to take it.

My pick: No Country for Old Men
Winner: No Country for Old Men



Best Director

I'm picking the Coens in this category. This may be because NCFOM was brilliantly directed, or because I've recently seen The Big Lebowski.

My pick: Joel Coen and Ethan Coen - No Country for Old Men
Winner: Joel Coen and Ethan Coen - No Country for Old Men


Best Actor

I thought Day-Lewis got shafted for Gangs of New York and anyone who didn't vote for him then will certainly vote for him now, putting him over the top.

My pick: Daniel Day-Lewis - There Will Be Blood
Winner: Daniel Day-Lewis - There Will Be Blood


Best Actress

No idea on this one...I'm going with the foreign language title - Marion Cotillard.

My pick: Marion Cotillard - La Vie en Rose (La môme)
Winner: Marion Cotillard - La Vie en Rose (La môme)


Best Supporting Actor

Javier Bardem for this award, but Michael Clayton seems to be a favorite among critics...I'm still picking the Western.

My pick: Javier Bardem - No Country for Old Men
Winner: Javier Bardem - No Country for Old Men


Best Supporting Actress

But I have seen I'm Not There and Cate Blanchett was absolutely amazing as rock 'n roll star Bob Dylan. She runs away with it.

My pick: Cate Blanchett - I'm Not There
Winner: Tilda Swinton - Michael Clayton


Best Original Screenplay

Juno was good, but come on, a story about a guy falling in love with a life-size doll?

My pick: Lars and the Real Girl - Nancy Oliver
Winner: Juno - Diablo Cody


Best Adapted Screenplay

NCFOM is two-to-one, and the other to movies split the remaining odds (eight to one each)...(I could probably be a bookie -- I understand fractions. [edit] I understand fractions, but I may not really know how they apply to odds. Maybe I couldn't be a bookie. Or, maybe I could, but my odds would be fair and I'd never make any money)

My pick: No Country for Old Men - Joel and Ethan Coen
Winner: No Country for Old Men - Joel and Ethan Coen


Some closing thoughts:

Best Animated Movie is a stupid category. If your animated movie isn't good enough to get nominated for a real category (Disney's Beauty and the Beast 1991 Best Song, Best Original Score Winner, Best Picture nominee) you should just be happy for the millions of parents who'll be forking over $25 a pop for the DVD to shut up their whiny spoiled brats instead of plying the Academy with yacht rides and solid gold chocolate bars so they'd invent a category that can only support two thirds of a movie every year.

Disney might get another Original Song, since three-fifths of the nominees in that category are Enchanted. [edit - but it's my understanding they totally suck][update - Enchanted lost]

Oh, and just so you know, of the nominated movies discussed above, I've [still] only seen Juno and I'm Not There. I liked them both. (I really liked Juno).



[Final Word]

I only missed two categories, and it's my belief Cate Blanchett's statue was wrongly awarded to Tilda Swinton because, come on, she's famous, and did a good job, and CB has like, four little gold guys already, right? So I'm not really wrong, I just forgot to factor in previous winnings vs. Irish descent. No biggie. I definitely missed the Juno screenplay win, so that's a legit miss.

Any votes on best dressed?

-t

All-Points-Bulletin

I'm too tired to do most all of the work on my desk right now. And there is certainly a lot of it.

Dozens of problems, and hundreds of trades due to the audit cycle for two of the most active funds, and we've got another fund (a big one) that is selling off all of its holdings. Liquidating everything. I imagine some Hedge Fund Advisor somewhere owes a lot of money to some somebodies and is trying to cash in while the cashing is good (and all of his bones are still unbroken).

Incidentally, I'm in the middle of a book about Murder Incorporated, the enforcement and contract killing arm of the national crime syndicate ("The Syndicate") in the 1930s and 40s. The stories are incredible. Every two-and-a-half pages they detail another gangland execution and I've got to imagine screenwriters would be tripping over themselves trying to write these up into guaranteed hits staring all of Hollywood's tough guys. None of this Tom Hanks as a gunman baloney. The Coen brothers would be a shoo-in to direct anything from this narrative. Or Coppola.

And another thing! The language is amazing! I'd love to hear this book as told by the original author (B. Turkus, a NYC ADA) instead of reading the transcript. I think people really did talk like this, everyday, not just in the movies:

There was no method of murder their fiendish ingenuity overlooked. They used the gun, the strangling rope, the ice pick -- commonplace tools for homicide. There was the unimaginative mob-style ride, the shotgun blast on the lonely street. And there were the bizarre touches, too. Dozens were dropped into quicklime pits. Others were buried alive, cremated... Fantastic? It can't happen in your town? It did!"

The book is strewn with alliteration, catchy phrasing, and amusing direct address. "Fiendish ingenuity," "parasitic pirates..out to foment or break strikes for fancy fees." It is fantastic.

And speaking of gangs...Real Time Worlds, the makers of Crackdown for the Xbox 360, have just announced their next project: All Points Bulletin. A cops/criminals real time MMO action title set in a current day urban landscape. Looks incredible. Great concept, great team behind it, solid premise, here's a preview.

That's just a quick update. I'm heading out to grab a cup of coffee to combat my fatigue. Hope all of you in Boston are enjoying the snow.

I am an Assassin - I wear my hood Up.

I have been playing a lot of Assassin's Creed lately.

To the exclusion of almost everything else. Towhit: I woke up saturday morning at 9:30AM and played until 11:30PM(ish).

I haven't spent this much time playing since KOTOR, or my first foray into THPS (N64) a.k.a. "The greatest video game ever invented for any video-gaming system ever."

-T

Solo Legend

Hey, readers!

I'm too busy with work to post a lengthy and interesting entry, but I can still try to post a significant entry:

I just got Rock Band and am a pro on Medium difficulty, and Hard is kicking my ass.

Also, Samantha totally rocks on drums. Like, seriously.

You should come over and play.

Later tonight we're opening in Moscow for Oasis. Bam.

-t

19 and -- Oh. - Superbowl XLII Reaction

The night before the Red Sox played Game 7 of the ALCS against the Cleveland Indians it looked like they might lose.

That series revealed, without a doubt, that the 2007 Cleveland Indians and Boston Red Sox were the best teams in the American League. Identical records, the number one and two finishers in the Cy Young race, offense, defense, bullpen, management.

I had to ready myself for a possible Red Sox loss - and I was able to do it, because the Indians were so good.

I knew that whatever the outcome it wasn't going to come down to a fluke victory or one bad call, or one boneheaded mistake.

Turns out, the Patriots loss in the Superbowl came under the same circumstances. No overtly boneheaded plays, no atrocious calls (a few I'm upset about, but it's no Tuck-Rule Game), and both teams flat-out played.

It was a good, solid game. No miracles, no flukes.

And I'm dissapointed, sure. But if we were going to lose, that's how it had to happen.

So, I'm taking a deep breath, hoping no one at work talks about it too much, and moving on. I still celebrate the AFC Championship. Way to go Pats.

Now, on to baseball season! Ten days until pitchers and catchers!

-t

P.S. - There is no f-ing way I'm ever voting for Menino again. I hope somebody gets fired.

Now I'm really done.

Reading

This is the funniest thing Ken Tremendous has ever written.

The smell of freshly greased leather and the crack of Louisville Sluggers drew me inside the David L. Lawrence Convention Center over the weekend.
It was the 18th annual PirateFest. It's a courageous act, celebrating baseball in Pittsburgh, considering the Pirates suffer from one of the lousiest fan bases in all professional sports.

Okay, so, maybe Pittsburgh fans aren't the most ardent in the nation. Dave Littlefield, Kevin McClatchy, and fifteen straight losing seasons will do that to people. But it's okay, I guess, to call them out, if you're a local journalist and you support the home team.

There, I said it. And, no, I'm not about to backpedal or apologize for characterizing most of the team's followers as whiny, loudmouthed louts who are too insecure to appreciate what being a fan is really about.

Yes. You're very brave. Get to the point.


To make my case, I'd like to compare the difference between the ways fans of stick-and-ball sports -- a category that includes baseball -- approach their favorite games, to the manner in which fans of my personal favorite sport, superbike racing, do.


...

Sorry, I'm going to ask you to repeat that. Because for a second, I thought you were about to compare baseball to a made-up thing called "superbike racing." ...

You are in for a treat.

B.A.D.

I've been (sort of) offered a new position. I've been asked to leave the trades team and join a Quality Assurance group to test system software updates before live implementation.

I imagine it's a lot like video game debugging, except with numbers and text instead of guns and zombies. Probably the same number of explosions, though.

Upside: Potentially more free time and fewer late nights.
Downside: Moving from the 13th floor to the 9th floor. It's quiet (too quiet) and painted a funny (not ha-ha funny) color.

Second Upside: The group is Business Application Development, a.k.a. The B.A.D. Group.

Best company softball team name yet.

-t

P.S. If this group works out I will probably adopt B.A.D. as the acronym for my evil world-takeover organization - I'll come up with the meaning later.

Be My Friend

You guys remember when you first decided to start blogging, and you didn't know anyone, and you didn't have any links in your sidebar, and you only read mightygirl and dooce and nytimes.com?

You'd spend weeks trying to attract commenters and other bloggers to set up a link network, blog friends.

Or AIM! Man, that totally sucked. The only people on your buddy list was your older brother who set up your screenname, and your cousin from California who never signed on anyway and even when she did she'd just put up some boring away message like "hw sucks" and go idle for two weeks.

Well, I'm in exactly that position now on Xbox Live. I'm new, I don't have any idea what's going on, and I have no idea how to add people to my friends list. Or find people to add, for that matter.

So, naturally, I turned to the blog.

Who wants to be my friend?! Seriously. Leave a comment or send me an email, then I'll kick your ass in Burnout Paradise. Or Crackdown. Because I love Crackdown.

Going Native

I was watching American Gangster and it struck me that Russel Crowe's leading roles in big films have different nationalities. An American in American Gangster, A Beautiful Mind, and The Insider; Spanish (or Roman) in Gladiator; Canadian in Mystery, Alaska (ok, technically American), British in Master and Commander.

By and large American characters are played by American leading men (and the occassional Englishman with, when one is attempted at all, a horribly mangled accent). Brits are cast to play European roles almost exclusively (no doubt because the American twang is a bitch to fake unless you're Hugh Laurie, and the US movie-going public is already convinced all twentieth century German and Russian soldiers had been educated at the Royal Shakespearean Company (who, no doubt, learned their accents from the Romans in some giant lecture held just after the Colloseum was built) so why bother with anything other than your native accent?).

And remember, we're talking leading men here, not character actors, who can be counted on to fufill any role (and accent) required brilliantly. (Peter Sellers gets lumped in with these chaps - best "worst French accent" ever.)

Examples:
Gregory Peck - To Kill a Mockingbird, MacArthur, How the West Was Won, Guns of Navarone, etc.
Cary Grant - An Affair to Remember, The Bishop's Wife, The Philadelphia Story, His Girl Friday
George Clooney - Three Kings, Michael Clayton, Intolerable Cruelty, O Brother Where Art Thou?
Liam Neeson - Schindler's List (German), K-19 The Widowmaker (Russian), Les Miserable (French), Michael Collins (Irish), Rob Roy (Scottish), etc
Sean Connery - Hunt for Red October (Russian), and my personal favorite, Highlander (Spanish)(I'm not kidding).

The question is, who's the most travelled? Who's the xenophile? I can't come up with anyone to top Neeson, can you?

Seriously, though, Highlander - a movie set in, and named for, the Highlands of Scotland, a stone's throw from Connery's native Wales - the casting director, after landing arguably the most famous male lead on the planet, a native casts Sean Connery, of Wales, in a movie set in nearby Scotland, as a Spaniard. I'm not kidding. He plays Juan Sanchez Villa-Lobos Ramirez. This has got to be the worst casting decision in movie history. Ever.

Also of note, Liam Neeson's turn as an American from the South in Next of Kin. Not a leading role, (he plays second fiddle to late-80's dreamboat Patrick Swayze) Neeson is Briar Gates.

"Truman [Patrick Swayze], a Chicago cop, takes on the mob to find the killer of his brother. Meanwhile, another of his brothers, Briar [Neeson] (a hillbilly) decides to find the killer himself. "

A hillbilly! Best role ever, man. Best role ever.

The movie ends when Briar gets himself killed in a shootout and Swayze's entire hillbilly clan piles their shotguns, hunting dogs, broken bottles, ferrets, and bb guns into a couple of vans, drive pell-mell into the city, and basically kill every mobster they can lay their hands on. It's hilarious.


-t

More Weight!

Time for the Eightieth Academy Awards. Here are my predictions. Feel free to use them to win your annual Oscar Party Ballot and walk away with the pot.

Best Picture

• Atonement
  
• Juno
  
• Michael Clayton
  
• No Country for Old Men
  
• There Will Be Blood

Juno was a surprise nominee, but I don't think it has the chops to win in any of the categories it's nominated in (Though it would certainly run away with Best Teen Flick, Funniest Serious Movie, Best Movie Depicting Ordinary People, Best Dialogue, and Best Line ("I'm a kraken from the sea," "I try really hard, actually," Thanks for having me and my irresponsible daughter over to your house." "Like I'd marry you, you'd be the meanest wife ever ok? And I know that you weren't bored that day. Because there was a lot of stuff on tv and The Blair Witch Project was coming on Stars and you were like, "I haven't seen this since it came out and so we should watch it," but oh no we should just make out instead la la la...")

I'd say it's a toss-up between There Will Be Blood and No Country for Old Men -- I'm picking NCFOM to take it.

Best Director

• Paul Thomas Anderson - There Will Be Blood
  
• Joel Coen and Ethan Coen - No Country for Old Men
  
• Tony Gilroy - Michael Clayton
  
• Jason Reitman - Juno
  
• Julian Schnabel - The Diving Bell and the Butterfly

I'm picking the Coens in this category. This may be because NCFOM was brilliantly directed, or because I've recently seen The Big Lebowski. Coens will get another statue to join their Fargo Best Original Screenplay.

Best Actor

• George Clooney - Michael Clayton
  
• Daniel Day-Lewis - There Will Be Blood
  
• Johnny Depp - Sweeney Todd
  
• Tommy Lee Jones - In the Valley of Elah
  
• Viggo Mortensen - Eastern Promises

Daniel Day-Lewis is the heavy favorite, and I'm picking with the field. I thought he got shafted for Gangs of New York and anyone who didn't vote for him then will certainly vote for him now, putting him over the top. A grizzled DDL will top pretty-boy George Clooney any day. Also, no one likes lawyers.

Best Actress

• Cate Blanchett - Elizabeth: The Golden Age
  
• Julie Christie - Away from Her
  
• Marion Cotillard - La Vie en Rose (La môme)
  
• Laura Linney - The Savages
  
• Ellen Page - Juno

No idea on this one, I don't think Ellen Page put up an Oscar worthy performance, but I think overall it's a weak category, so there could be a surprise. This is the most even category out there. I'm going with the foreign language title - Marion Cotillard.

Best Supporting Actor

• Casey Affleck - The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford
  
• Javier Bardem - No Country for Old Men
  
• Philip Seymour Hoffman - Charlie Wilson's War
  
• Hal Holbrook - Into the Wild
  
• Tom Wilkinson - Michael Clayton

Hey, Casey Affleck getting an Academy nod. Way to go, Boston. I like Javier Bardem for this award, but Michael Clayton seems to be a favorite among critics, so Wilkinson might pull it off, and don't underestimate some Capote carry-over for Hoffman, who has been tremendously outstanding his entire career, and might be making up for it the rest of the way. I'm still picking the Western.

Best Supporting Actress

• Cate Blanchett - I'm Not There
  
• Ruby Dee - American Gangster
  
• Saoirse Ronan - Atonement
  
• Amy Ryan - Gone Baby Gone
  
• Tilda Swinton - Michael Clayton

I would have liked to see Allison Janney in this category (again, she wouldn't have won, but "verbally abusing an ultrasound tech for comedic affect" is on my shortlist of "reasons I'd nominate you for an oscar" so there you have it).

But I have seen I'm Not There and Cate Blanchett was absolutely amazing as rock 'n roll star Bob Dylan. She runs away with it.

Best Original Screenplay

• Juno - Diablo Cody
  
• Lars and the Real Girl - Nancy Oliver
  
• Michael Clayton - Tony Gilroy
  
• Ratatouille - Brad Bird
  
• The Savages - Tamara Jenkins

Juno was good, but come on, a story about a guy falling in love with a life-size doll? Lars and the Real Girl wins. I'm also predicting a quirky acceptance speech.

Best Adapted Screenplay

• Atonement - Christopher Hampton
  
• Away from Her - Sarah Polley
  
• The Diving Bell and the Butterfly - Ronald Harwood
  
• No Country for Old Men - Joel and Ethan Coen
  
• There Will Be Blood - Paul Thomas Anderson

NCFOM again. From what I understand it's a faithful reproduction of the book and a hell of a good movie. I wouldn't be surprised to see The Diving Bell and the Butterfly win here, but it's four-to-one. (so's There Will Be Blood, NCFOM is two-to-one, and the other to movies split the remaining odds (eight to one each))

(I could probably be a bookie -- I understand fractions. [edit] I understand fractions, but I may not really know how they apply to odds. Maybe I couldn't be a bookie. Or, maybe I could, but my odds would be fair and I'd never make any money)

Some closing thoughts:

Best Animated Movie is a stupid category. If your animated movie isn't good enough to get nominated for a real category (Disney's Beauty and the Beast 1991 Best Song, Best Original Score Winner, Best Picture nominee) you should just be happy for the millions of parents who'll be forking over $25 a pop for the DVD to shut up their whiny spoiled brats instead of plying the Academy with yacht rides and solid gold chocolate bars so they'd invent a category that can only support two thirds of a movie every year.

Disney might get another Original Song, since three-fifths of the nominees in that category are Enchanted.

And I'd handicap the technical categories for you too, because I'm normally right on the money with those, but it's thirty degrees in here, and my fingers are cold.

Oh, and just so you know, of the nominated movies discussed above, I've only seen Juno and I'm Not There. I liked them both. (I really liked Juno).

-t

Party Time - Excellent!

how hilarious would it be if wayne and garth had a blog?

"Blog on Wayne"
"Blog on Garth"
"Excellent!"


Requesting submissions for other likely entries?


-t

(I was re-reading some of my old material (formerly funny) and came across the above comment post script which is too hilarious not to get its own post)

(And we def. would have invited them to MILONYE)

At Capacity (Blogging Drunk)

Reading: "Just thought you should know. It's cold in Boston, so I have my parent's apartment's basement fire on. That's a lie but I'm 4 beers in, so it could be coming soon. BTW I think 4 beers is my optimum blogging capacity."

Optimal Blogging Capacity should be right up there with Blood Alcohol Level as a standard measure of inebriation.

What's your OBC?

-t

Cyborgs, A Life-long Love Affair -or- Probably Where I Get It From

So, do you remember that show, it was a family, they had super powers? And an RV that turned into a couple of motorcycles and a little ATV?

They were cybernetic, or something, each of the kids had a unique power (strength, speed, etc), and the mom had psychic powers or something, and there was always a shot of the teens chilling in the family room, and it was a mess, and then the Dad would shake a finger at them for being slobs, and then in a whirlwind the place would be spic and span!

Well, ladies and gentlemen, the Internet is a wonderful tool.

It's called The Bionic Six




They were cyborgs (tragically injured when a ski vacation went horribly, horribly wrong, revived, fixed, improved by a benevolent scientist). The fight a small army of bionic villains led (predictably) by the benevolent scientist's evil brother, "Scarab."

Don't miss the African-American kid (super strength and super intelligence) codename "IQ," and the Asian-American (bionic karate-master), codename "Karate-1."

They've even got a fan revival page (here).


Is it any wonder I'm preoccupied with bionics and world domination? Silver Hawks, C.O.P.S. - the list goes on, plus Pinky and the Brain.










Remember, commenters will be reserved a special place in my new world order.

-t

"By the way...job!"

Stick with me on this one, there's a morale.

After the Christmas holiday the stock market takes some time off, shuts down, slows trading.

Unfortunately, I don't get the same time off, but at least there are a couple of slow days that give a leg up on recuperating from the holiday hangover, and, of course, fixing any outstanding issues on the funds.

For you non-finance types: This isn't new. The holiday slow-down is an expected part winter. If you work in finance, the days after Christmas are as good as vacation days; you take it easy, fix some things, take your time.

Which brings me to the email we received from my block-hammer-head manager Dec. 26th:

Subject: Trade activities

Hi All,

Hope every one had a happy holiday. Looks like a very light day today. Let's use this time to clear custody, position and pricing breaks. Please book all your trades then work on breaks.

Thanks,

It's a slow day? Book trades, work on breaks? No kidding. Why not just send an email that says "Hey, friendly reminder, please do those things that you're supposed to do every day." or "Hey, by the way, you should keep doing those things you do, and that we pay you to do, normally."

Or, send these emails the two following days:

Subject: Trade activities

Hi All,

Today is another slow day for us. Please have all your trades booked as early as possible so we can work on breaks. We have a lot of cleaning up to do. If you don't know what needs to be done, please let me or Scott know.

Thanks,


Subject: Re: Trade activities

Hi All,

Today looks to be another slow day for us ( with we can really us to clean up our breaks and other outstanding items ). Let get all of our trades booked in the next hour. Currently a total of 60 trades has been booked. Again, please let me or Scott know if you are not sure on what to work on.

Thanks,

I tend to get a little upset at this type of email. We, the employed, should not need reminders to do what we're being employed to do; and if we do need reminders, or prompting, then clearly management is doing a poor job training/motivating/instructing and should, at the very least, identify specific problem elements (procedures, people, outside distractions (hello, internet)) and take directed action to fix the problem.

But, in the guise of a friendly email, which could probably be reduced to

"Job!"

this motivational tactic certainly doesn't spur me to increased productivity, but does, in fact, the opposite, promptin zero productivity while I stew and post to my blog.

Hilarious, right? Getting an email from your boss that says job, exclamation point. A real side-splitter.

Though, after a week away, it might be nice to get an email from a guy on another team like this:

Subject:Hurry up and come back!!!!!

You can never go on vacation again! God, that was the absolute most painful week of my life!

-Chris

I guess it's nice to be appreciated.

Eight!

Mafia with twenty-three people is awesome. Drawing the joker in a round of Mafia with twenty-three people is awesome. Being paired up with Justin and Justin for the first round of Mafia with twenty-three people is awesome.

Because the Mafia totally won.

Which is a nice little allegory for the MILONYE festivities. My team basically won at everything.

Like when I shot the moon in hearts with a score of 96 and then broke 100 the next hand.

Like when I won the first game of Connect Four against Dan and then none for the rest of the weekend.

Like when Jackie and I got smoked at spades by a (cheating) John and Samantha.

Like when no one at the bar had to pay for liquor. (Seventeen shots for six bucks, total. Three pitchers for sixteen bucks, total.)

And Donny got way drunk. It was great.

I'm having some trouble getting pictures uploaded to flickr for no understandable reason. But some are online.

Last Minute Xmas Shopping For Blog Readers

From Matthew Baldwin's
Holiday Last-Minute Survival Guide for Slackers:

Hey, here’s a thought. Why not buy pretty much anything sold at dealextreme.com? JFC, I don’t even know where to begin. The Braised Pork Cell Phone Charm? The Professional Laser Guided Precision Scissors? The Stainless Lighter With 4GB USB Disk? The LED Light Illuminated Ear Pick? The Hamburger 12 CD Flannel Storage Bag? The Shock-Your-Friend Electrified Dummy Digital Camera? The Digital Buddhist Jukebox in Tibetan (5 Songs)? The TDR USA 16-inch Crossbow? The Whatever-the-Hell That Promotes Bowel Movement for Pets?

I’m pretty sure this web site is based in some alternate dimension where Lincoln used kung fu to disarm his assassin and now everything is AWESOME.

I concur.

-t

Screwed on Christmas

A few weeks ago I started checking my vacation calendar. How many days I'd used, how many I had left that wouldn't roll over to the new calendar year, which days in the upcoming weeks I could burn.

As I was about to request some time off (specifically, the last few Fridays of the year) we got an email stating someone else in the group had beat me to it.

He was flying to Cleveland last Friday, so he put in for the time, got it, and then thought "why not try forthe remaining Fridays" and did, and got them (12/14, 12/21, 12/28)

I don't begrudge him the time off, it's unfortunate for me that he got there first.

So, I did the next best thing, I requested the remaining Mondays off. I doubled checked. I realized that Monday is Christmas Eve and some people may have already requested it. I checked the calendar for approved requests, and I checked the calendar for pending requests. Nothing. It looked open. Sweet.

So I got last Monday (12/17) and slept most of the day, and asked for next Monday (12/24), Christmas Eve, and was denied.

Denied! I couldn't believe it! Here's this new kid in the group who gets three Fridays in a row off, and I can't get two Mondays?

I asked my manager about it. "Sorry, too many people have the day off." I told him I'd checked the calendar, and no one had the day off. Turns out, he took Christmas Eve for himself. He is "too many people." You know what? Fine. If I were managing a group you can bet I'd give myself the pick of the vacation calendar. Screw the working man, managment is taking it easy. Fine. No vacation for the underlings.

So, imagine my surprise this morning when I received an email from my manager:

"Please cover the new kid's funds today and Monday, since he will be on vacation both days."

What the hell?!

I requested Monday off when last week and was denied! When did this kid sneak in his request, and why did you approve his request and not mine?!

And now I've got to cover his work? While he's on vacation? On Christmas Eve?

What the hell.

Overheard

My girlfriend spent last weekend with me at my apartment. We went out and got wasted Friday night at a bar downtown, then came home went to bed, and crashed.

So, the next morning, when I wake up she's already in the living room watching television, so I go right over to the kitchen and start cooking some eggs for breakfast. She turns around and puts her finger to her lips "shh" mouths "Mike" and points at the couch. So I lean over, and there's my old roommate passed out on the couch in his boxers.

I guess he couldn't make it back to his apartment so he used his old key and let himself into my place. And, you know, no big deal, right? We hadn't heard him come in last night, and better he crash here than try and drive home.

Anyway, I start to cook breakfast and she's watching tv, and then Mike wakes up, pokes his head over back of the couch, looks right at me over the stove, and - it's not Mike.

-What?

It's not Mike. It's some guy I've never seen before. He's looking right at me, completely confused, a little unnerved, and, eyes wide, he says "Where...the hell...am I?"

And Amy's sitting right there next to him on the couch and she's like "Who the hell are you!?"

Turns out it's some guy that's in town staying with my next door neighbors. He'd been out drinking late, and come in to my apartment instead of theirs - I guess Amy didn't shut the door completely behind her when we came in the night before, and he'd just come in, stripped down, and passed out on the couch.

-Whoa. Really?

Yeah, so I made him some eggs and he left.

Allegedly, the list of players named in the Mitchell Report on Steroid/HGH in MLB

I don't have any problem publishing this list. It was forwarded to me, through email, by a guy "who knows a guy, who knows a guy" in MLB. Or something.

Probably not a big deal, as I doubt I'm going to get significant traffic between the time I post this and the release of the actual report by Senator George Mitchell.

I forwarded it to Samantha and to my dad, because I figured they'd be interested.

Anyway, here's the list:

"Brady Anderson, Manny Alexander, Rick Ankiel, Jeff Bagwell, Barry Bonds, Aaron Boone, Rafaeil Bettancourt, Bret Boone, Milton Bradley, David Bell, Dante Bichette, Albert Belle, Paul Byrd, Wil Cordero, Ken Caminiti, Mike Cameron, Ramon Castro, Jose and Ozzie Canseco, Roger Clemens, Paxton Crawford, Wilson Delgado, Lenny Dykstra, Johnny Damon, Carl Everett, Kyle Farnsoworth, Ryan Franklin, Troy Glaus, Rich Garces, Jason Grimsley, Troy Glaus, Juan Gonzalez, Eric Gagne, Nomar Garciaparra, Jason Giambi, Jeremy Giambi,

Jose Guillen, Jay Gibbons, Juan Gonzalez, Clay Hensley, Jerry Hairston, Felix Heredia, Jr., Darren Holmes, Wally Joyner, Darryl Kile, Matt Lawton, Raul Mondesi, Mark McGwire, Guillermo Mota, Robert Machado, Damian Moss, Abraham Nunez, Trot Nixon, Jose Offerman, Andy Pettitte, Mark Prior, Neifi Perez, Rafael Palmiero, Albert Pujols, Brian Roberts, Juan Rincon, John Rocker

Pudge Rodriguez, Sammy Sosa, Scott Schoenweiis, David Segui, Alex Sanchez, Gary Sheffield, Miguel Tejada, Julian Tavarez,Fernando Tatis, Maurice Vaughn, IJason Varitek, Ismael Valdez, Matt Williams and Kerry Wood."

And for you confused readers, here is Samantha's response:

"I don't understand. what is it? some alphabetical list of baseball players?"


Turns out, an alphabetical list of players is exactly what my dad suggested:

"NO ASTERISKS NEEDED, EVERYONE WAS ON THE JUICE!"

-t

Good Writing.

Hey. All you college graduates.

You tried too hard.

Great effort, really, but as it turns out, you only needed to complete high school to read this blog.



But really, thanks for overshooting. Good optimism.

-t

test your own blog!

gAIMing

Hey! Gmail users! Google is finally going to start talking to AIM! No more only chatting with the four other people you know on googlechat, you can sign into AIM from gmail and get your whole buddy list!

I feel like I'm in an AT&T commercial from the eighties. Reach out and touch someone.

Well, I would if I could access gmail at work.

-t

Update: Call to arms and Keyboards

I'm updating a post from last year, because it's still important! (updates in red)


Folks, I need your help.

In 1990 TNT produced a made-for-tv movie of Robert Louis Stevenson's Treasure Island. It is the greatest adaptation ever. Ever.*

Plus! It stars Christian Bale as Jim Hawkins (and you know how good he is) and Charlton Heston as Long John Silver, and folks, I am not kidding you when I say that this was the role he was meant to play.

Better than Moses, better than Ben Hur, better than NRA president. Charlton Heston is Long John Silver, Long John Silver is Charlton Heston, Heston Silver John is Long Charles. - you get what I'm saying?

All of the performances floored me, this is the production I think of whenever anyone mentions the story. It is absolutely unthinkable that this movie has not been released on dvd.So, I need your help. Go here. Click on the "vote" button on the right-hand sidebar. They ask for an email, but there's no confirmation, so if you're not busy, vote lots of times with made up email addresses!

It's up to #3 in the rankings! We can push that over the top! #1! #1!

Let's make this happen people!

-t


* the notable exception being Muppet Treasure Island. I maintain the TNT version "best ever," but readily concede that the Muppet version is undoubtedly the best adaptation with music, the best adaptation not starring Charlton Heston and Christian Bale, and the best adaptation with Muppets. (jump back)

WNFL: Worldwide Neo-Football Leage

Sarcos has developed a motorized, computerized, human-sized, exoskeleton. Check out the video it's amazing.

http://gizmodo.com/gadgets/humanoids/sarcoss-exoskeleton-is-more-amazing-than-we-thought-326128.php

Now, I know what you're thinking: "Tom is going to incorporate this super-powerful piece of equipment into his plan to take over the world by strapping a rocket pack on it and arming it with taser-shooting shotguns."

Well, you're half wrong.

I will certainly incorporate this exoskeleton technology into my world takeover bid, but I won't be using them militarily, as we've all seen how bad things can get when space travel, genetic manipulation, cloning, species subjugation, and exoskeletons mix.

No, my plan is athletics, and economics.

If you've watched the video above, or finished reading this sentence, you'll know that the exoskeleton amplifies strength without sacrificing agility. They demonstrate the e-frame's benefits by loading ammo cannisters, but I say, imagine Tom Brady strength magnified 200%. Exo-Brady could throw a football 300 yards!

Clearly, with this mechanical upgrade our modern-day football stadiums will be too small to hold the enormous mechano-athletic potential of these future. Therefore, we will need to construct venues that are significantly larger to house the playing field, and this will provide, in turn, vastly greater seating capacity, providing vastly greater profit.

So, by harneessing the economic impact of F-frames (football frames), I will beecome the richest man in the world, and from my mountain of wealth proceed with the world takeover.

I've already got my order in for the first eighteen frames.

-t

Paper: In The Year 2000!

Amazon has released their brand-spankin'-new e-book reader, the Kindle. And it's dumb.

First, I applaud the name. "Kindle" is a great, rarely-used, related-to-interest word that has loads going for it (two syllables, begins with 'K').

I applaud the e-ink technology. Some really great stuff is being developed: low-power, high contrast, thin & lightweight devices.

I don't applaud the design. White is ugly, the keyboard layout is ugly, and the thing looks like an airfoil from a Rebel Snowspeeder.



It also costs $400, plus the cost of (non-transferable) e-books, plus the cost of subscribing to blog RSS feeds (that's right, the ones you get for free online!).

But, far and away, it is another mile marker on the way to a paperless world. (Not truly paperless, of course, there will always be important uses for paper, like origami.)

I'd originally conceived this post as an outline for a future writing career, making money by observing on the state of things and commentary on the way they used to be. Column headlines would run something like "Remember Paper?" and discuss the advent of e-book readers and their ilk.

I'll be sure to archive this post so me, a future columnist, can look back and harvest my early impressions as filler.

I'm also hopeful that in my future as a curmudgenly columnist I have an editor to cut things like the preceding paragraph.

Not literally cut, of course, because we'll be publishing on plastic screens loaded with a low wattage electric charge in shapes that look like letters.

Or, you know, beaming features directly into your brain.

-t

Left Brain

I used to be smart. Well, I used to appear smart, anyway. I'd go out of my way to stand up straight, enunciate, and ditch the Boston accent. This was around middle school (when I noticed my smart friends sounded retahded when they talked).

And for a while (high school and most of college) people bought it.

Then I graduated, and got lazy. Talk to me now, you'll hear me mumble, in a Boston accent, and surround every pause in my speech with "and...uh's."

Which is too bad. I also suspect my writing has suffered.

The culprit is, as always, my job. Demanding eight straight hours of focused attention doesn't leave room for me to worry (and correct) my own shortcomings. Focusing on numbers doesn't even light up the same side of the brain I want to improve! I'm not even gleaning ancillary benefits from this numbers job. (Only the non-ancillary kind: health insurance, retirement plan, income).

-t

recommended download (that's right! it's back!):
Journey, Wheel In The Sky

Happy Dan Goldin Day 2007!

Happy Dan Goldin Day everyone. I've already played three hours of Halo (then accidentally erased my progress, d'oh)

Later, I might go see a movie.

Eventually I'm going to sucker someone into paying me 1.4 million dollars to celebrate this holiday.

-t

Also, if you're in Milwaukee, the DGD07 fest is in full swing including the annual sold-out brewery tour.

Lesser of Two Distractions

I skimmed most of the agenda for the staff meeting:
Aged Items - doesn't apply to me
New Clients - doesn't apply to me
New Staff - doesn't apply to me
Negative Interest Errors - happen less than 1% of the time, I'm not interested
Upcoming Vacations - does apply - DGD, Friday, move on
Internet Usage - definitely applies.

Apparently they've started tracking internet usage, the usual sitetracker type stuff, and additionally, time spent online. Unfortunately for our manager our group was at the top of the list for "excessive internet usage" because the program they're using to monitor the stats doesn't distinguish streaming radio. Two guys in the group listen to sports radio online while they work all day every day. Their "internet usage" is through the roof.

In any case, the manager isn't worried, but recommended we stay offline for a while and try to find a different groove. So, I tried it. As it turns out, if I'm not online, my productivity goes way down.

Which is counter to the company's reasoning, certainly.

They think "online => distractions => less work being done" - but it's not the whole picture.

See, I'm going to find ways to distract myself regardless of internet access. I'm surrounded by office supplies. I can spend hours wasting ink and paper doodling abstract geometric figures. I'm not kidding, hours.

Online is a distraction, but at least it's a distraction that keeps my attention focussed on the computer screen, which is where my work is. If I'm surfing the web then I'm also alt+tab-ing to the trades panel every time a new webpage loads, because it's easy to do, because it's right there! If I'm scratching out a complicated celtic knot pattern on printer paper I'm going to get lost in the design and not look up for ten or fifteen minutes of my time.

Online distractions are more productive than offline distractions.

So bring back AIM.

-t

Dan Goldin Day 2007

I was a little down on Monday, seeing as it's the start of the week, and my job isn't the greatest thing going right now, and I'd really, really, really, like to keep playing Halo (btw, I just bought Halo - the original - and I'm dying to finish the campaign), and, plus, it's Monday morning. Five days to freedom, right?

WRONG! Because I quickly realized that it was Monday the twelfth, which, as we all know, is only four days away from Friday the sixteenth! Which, as we all know, is the day we will observe DAN GOLDIN DAY 2007!!

Four day work week! Wooo!

I celebrated this realization last night by playing more Halo. Friday Samantha and I are going to see American Gangster.

Dan Goldin Day is like, far and away, my favorite holiday for which I am responsible.

DON'T FORGET! DGD '07 celebrated THIS FRIDAY, 11/16/07! Take the day off, take half a day, have a beer at lunch!

-t

Nightmare on Stupid Street 2?

This isn't so much a return in the sense that a particular person is coming back after having been absent, so much as it is a return in the slasher/horror tradition; in Scream 2, Scream 3, etc the killer returns, but it's not really the killer, because the real killer died in the previous movie, it's an honorary. They inherit the mask, the knife, what have you, and they assume the mantle.

It turns out we've got a contender. Nothing definitive, I don't want to get anyone too excited, but he doesn't seem overly bright, is all I'm saying.

Please read the email exchange below, and let me know what you think:

Updated cxl/rbks

Hi Simon

I found two trades booked with an incorrect price, I have cancelled and rebooked them. Can you please settle the trades to clear your cash breaks?

Thank you,
Tom

RE:Updated cxl/rbks

Hi Tom,


Will do. If I have any questions I'll be sure to let you know once I am completing this.


Thank you,
Simon


He's still got some work to do, no doubt, but he's heading in the right direction. Also, I'm not as worked up about this as some of you might anticipate, because Simon isn't in my group (limiting my contact with him) and I am not responsible for the quality of his work (limiting my frustration), so I can enjoy the stupidity from a distance.

-t

Achievements. And Martians.

What fuels the compulsion we humans have to make lists? Why do we torment ourselves?

I'm not talking about grocery lists, or "people to contact in case of emergency" lists. I'm talking about unnecessary lists. The lists we make up, spontaneously, for no reason: "greatest Red Sox outfielders from 1960-1983" or "favorite songs of 2007." There is no reason for these lists to exist. None. And yet, there they are. People are compelled to list things.

The most worrisome is the great achievement list.

"Things to do before I die"

How depressing is that? "Things to do" by itself is pretty cheery, right? That list is a great way to fight boredom. Play a video game. Visit Grandma. Stage an all-you-can-eat-pasta contest. Write a letter to an old college friend.

What a nice list.

Then you go and tack on "before I die." Way to kill the mood! Not only have you just introduced death into an otherwise happy thought, but you've managed to put a deadline on it - (wow. "deadline" I'm going to have to do some research into the etymology of that word. it's this line, right, and when you reach it, you're...dead. how ominous) - so right away you're running out of time, trying to cram things in to the few precious moments you've got left on this green earth.

Not to mention the list is almost always depressingly unaccomplishable tasks:

Get elected US president
Fly a plane
Walk on Mars
Get married
End hunger
Write a detective novel

Maybe you cross one off. Maybe you even get two. But if you care enough about any of those to put them on the list, then you're looking at disappointment any way it's sliced.

For the vast majority of list makers the time, energy, and luck needed to train for a pilot's license, fall in love with your instructor, be accepted into the astronaut program after your beer-and-mary-jane-heavy college lifestyle, while simultaneously campaigning for the Oval Office where you can effect the budgetary, philosophical, and R&D changes necessary to make manned flight to Mars possible, get there, discover a clean, renewable source of food and energy, fly back, and then find a publisher for your Hammett knock-off, is unreachable.

So, sorry. Forget the list. Right?

Wrong. Because, reason though I must, that it's a dumb idea, I am still compelled. I've got a list jotted down right here in front of me. And I hate disappointment.

So I've decided to make the list a little easier. Real goals, that I actually care about, the unattainable, they'll go on the list. But I'm broadening my perspective, the list is going to be more than just the "climb mt. everest" caliber goals. Here's a rough draft:

THINGS TO DO (before I die)
1. play Halo the whole way through
2. visit Alaska
3. buy a house
4. coach little league baseball
5. get a law degree
6. do the crossword everyday
7. visit all 50 state capital buildings
8. win an election
9. get published
10. finish the book I'm currently reading

That's for starters.

Hard goals. And easy goals too. Any potential big disappointment will be mitigated by the sum of the smaller accomplishments, each valuable in their own way, no throw-away goals. "wake up" "brush teeth regularly" and "watch NBC thursdays" aren't making the list.

You may notice I left myself some room on the loftier goals. "get published" is easier to achieve than "write the next A Tree Grows In Brooklyn," and "win an election" isn't as hard as "get elected world president."

I also intentionally left off any "funny" suggestions like "start a religious cult." While they're good for a chuckle now, I'd certainly hate to stumble across the list when I'm old and senile and think I actually meant to do it. Because even old and senile I'd be charismatic enough to lure people into a cult. People are easily lured. look at Forrest Gump. Or the Mormons. And then one hundred eighty years down the road some yokel who believes whatever the senile old me decided to write down will be a front runner for the Republican Presidential nomination....

Ok, I'm changing my goals:

1. Get a believer of my wacky religious cult elected President of the United States of America

2. Climb Olympus Mons



-t

Dan Goldin Day '07!

Less than a day after I mention lasers in a blog post someone goes and invents one that does something totally useful: kills germs.

The Virus Eradicating Laser!


But on to the real news:

Dan Goldin Day is only two weeks away! Since November 17, 2007 falls on a Saturday, the holiday will be observed November 16, Friday, two weeks from today!

I hope everyone has made plans to take at least a half day from work, checked your local newspapers for details about the Dan Goldin Day Parade in your area, and is pretty well along in construction of the traditional Dan Goldin Day costumes. Also there are presents...and turkey. Ooh! And the traditional (political) fireworks.

For those of you celebrating in the Boston area (Erin, Jenny, Eileen) or those of you (John, Donny, Adina...) who are planning on coming to Boston for the festivities, I will have the day off and plan to celebrate with a beer or two over lunch - to start.

I've left comments open so you can recount your favorite Dan Goldin Day memory, or especially great plans for DGD'07

-t

Banana Lasers And The Robot Monkeys Who Eat Them

I've noticed recently that this job is sucking away my will to live; I am no longer interested in anything.

I can barely get myself to post, and now there is blank space where there used to be space aliens, super magnets, monkeys with lasers, robots eating bananas, and colors of (literally) every hue imaginable.

Now it's a great, grey, sucking void. And Time is the culprit. Time has been absent in my life for almost seven months. Instead of free moments to exult in flights of imagination and my waking hours are filled with constant chatter, noise without substance, static.

If Time would get off his lazy ass and find his way back into my life I would even refrain from punching him squarely in the nose and maybe offer to buy him a beer. There are some no-good friends you're angry at until the moment they show up on your doorstep.

The point is this: While here at work under a barrage of trades, a deluge, an unstoppable pitter-patter against the window of my sanity (a window that is closing fast, now), nothing else can make any noise.

I, quite figuratively, cannot hear myself think - and there is no way to tell if I'm just not thinking loud enough, or if I'm just not thinking at all.

-t

Water-on-the-Brain

Medical conditions with which I am afflicted:

Schemohydrolysis - more commonly "water poisoning," or "over-hydration," triggered by consuming too much water in a given interval, and tipping the water/mass ratio of the body (normally 60% in favor of water in males, 55% in females) over the 68.5% mark.

Hydro-tunemia - A related condition affecting blood vessels in which all of the blood in the body is replaced by water. Dr. Maurice Hogan (1802-1888), of London, who named the condition once quipped "If you prick them, do they not leak?"

Also, possibly, fulminant hypocephalopathic fantachondria, or, the belief that one is afflicted with imaginary diseases of one's own creation.

-t

Sweep Dreams: An Open Letter to the Red Sox*

Dear Boston Red Sox,

Please sweep the Rockies in the World Series. Firstly, because it would be awesome. Secondly, because these three-hour-plus games and post-game press conferences and analysis are really, really, cutting into my normal sleep schedule.

It's not bad at all during the regular season when NESN carries the games, and they start at the very reasonable time of 7 PM (EST). Then even a four hour game will see me in bed well before midnight satiated, full to the brim of good baseball and wise, thoughtful, well-produced post-game commentary by the studio team of Caron, Remy, and Eckersley.

It is bad when Fox, with their late start times, pandering to their West Coast audience, broadcasts these games. When the first pitch is thrown at 8:15 PM (EST), (or even later!) even a much quicker three-and-one-half-hour game is pushing the midnight envelope. I'm lucky to be in bed by half-past twelve, or asleep by one o'clock!

Now, as a baseball fan, I am compelled, hard-wired, you could say, to watch every pitch, every at-bat, every, single out of playoff baseball, I would continue to do so even if the series went to seven games, each one decided in not less than six hours, lasting no fewer than twenty-three innings. It would ruin me, physically - and probably get me fired - but I would do it.

But, I am asking, instead, that you, Boston Red Sox, please sweep the World Series, so as to maximize both my happiness, and my well-restedness.

Thank you,

Tom


*Thanks to Tyler for the updated title.

Blogtoberfest: Update

A few headlines, and a quick update on this post from last week:

THE RED SOX ARE THE 2007 AMERICAN LEAGUE CHAMPS!

JENNY FRAZIER MAKES 'TOP TEN PARTY FOULS OF 2007' LIST!

Seriously, Jenny, Blogtoberfest couldn't have been scheduled for some Thursday in November when there's zero chance of the Red Sox playing a meaningful game? I mean, that could work, right?

Also, to those who commented on the earlier post, Eileen, regarding jinxing Boston's chances of making it, I would just like to reiterate: I know where the line is, and I was well behind it. Well behind.

Doubting Thomas

Ok, I feel like I have to be honest with you, readers.



Watching this live, there was a split second, one tiny, minute, very, very, small, fraction of time when I thought, maybe, Coco wasn't going to catch this one. That, maybe, this ball was going to drop over his glove, and bounce.

It's right when he changes direction. You can see him making a beeline for this ball, and just as he reaches the track, curling out, toward the triangle.

This catch, I think, is both a demonstration of his reknowned speed and athleticism, and symbolic of his character: Crisp put it on the line, smashing into the wall, not because he's been playing there everyday, but in spite of being a defensive replacement.

I didn't see one interview with Crisp after the game. I saw Papelbon, Youkilis, and Pedroia on three different networks; I saw Ortiz and Ramirez; I saw Francona, Epstein, Werner, and Henry.

I'm gonna be pissed if Crisp doesn't walk away with the Gold Glove this season.

-t

I was looking for a highlight reel of Crisp's catches this season. I found this.

(and, ok, ok, there are a bunch of videos with Crisp on NESN. Way to go NESN! including some post-game interviews.)

How I leanred to Internet!!

I love these guys. This is totally my favorite youtube video.

I hope somebody makes t-shirts.



Fax us your email address!

-t

Wishlist

Topping out my wishlist this holiday season (specifically the time between Halloween and Dan Goldin Day) are these two video games:

Assassin's Creed:

Ok, I'll be honest, this game looks totally awesome. You're part of an assassin's guild, and you're taking out the Templars...or you are a Templar and you're taking out their enemies...or something. Anyway, the game looks sweet, and early reviews have compared its style of gameplay to Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time which is a totally awesome game.

Check the trailer:



The Orange Box:

This is basically five games for the price of one. Half Life, and Half Life 2, bestsellers and world famous PC games (Counter Strike, which some readers are familiar with, is a Half Life mod). The disc also has Portal, a puzzle/platforming game which utilizes portals that will transport you instantaneously from one to the next, like in cartoons. And finally, Team Fortress 2, a multiplayer shooter with nine player classes, like Sniper, Doctor, Engineer, Soldier, and DemoMan. The game is designed in The Incredibles style and the promos are hilarious.

Portal:



The Engineer:



The Soldier:



The Heavy:




There's also a rumor about A Prince of Persia prequel trilogy. Sweet.

-t

Blogtoberfest, the second!

Ok, folks, just an f.y.i. to you baseball fans...who I know are out there...

Blogtoberfest is scheduled for Thursday October 25th.

World Series, Game 2, is also scheduled for October 25th.

The party starts at six. The game starts at eight.

I'm just sayin.

You know.

Be aware.

This has "Party Foul of the Year" potential all-over it.

I'll be parked under the television for the first pitch. Do come join me, it's a great game.

-t

You're mad? Call me back.

Overheard, as I log in to my computer this morning. Speaking, Trade Manager (on the phone), Cash Team Manager (next cubicle over):

[on the phone] "...Ok, you're mad... If you're mad, call me back in an hour when we can talk." [hangs up]

"Dude, she's mad? Do you know what kind of emotions you're mixing right now? The relationship emotions, now the getting engaged emotions, and, who knows, maybe that...other thing - that's a wild card."

"What?"

"You know, that "old friend," the thing we're not allowed to bring up ever? You know what I mean. It's an excuse. They can be mad just because they want to be mad. We pay the penalty."

"Yeah, I told her, 'call me back in an hour so we can talk' - she calls me back a second later [squeaky voice] 'you think I can't talk!?'"

"Playing with fire, man. Playing with fire."


Maybe you readers can guess which manager is married and which is engaged.

It's stuff like this that prompts coffee breaks fifteen seconds after I walk in the door.

-t

Crazy Fire Army

The coconut crab, in itself, might be enough for a blog post.

But, reading up on what is, in fact, an animal, and not a special effects creature, I found a mention of the yellow crazy ant, and I thought, that is enough to warrant a blog post.

Yellow. Crazy. Ant. That's like the coolest name ever. People don't have awesome names like that. It's just animals, and insects, ants especially, seem to get really awesome names. Army ants. Fire Ants. Yellow crazy ants.

I decided to top them. Using the Yellow Crazy Ant Naming Protocol (YCANP), I have come up with the following list of awesome animal names.

Incidentally, the YCANP is a three step procedure akin to Mad Libs. Pick a color, pick an adjective, pick an animal. There are a few caveats: Basic colors are usually better than obscure colors ("blue" not "cerulean"), opt for fewer syllables when possible ("pink not "magenta", and "white" is usually replaced with "albino" (though artistic touches are encouraged within reason: "midnight" instead of "black"); As with any good Mad Lib adjectives are almost unlimited; and as to animal choices, unnerving is better than cute: insects, crustaceans, or reptiles, instead of koalas or meerkats.

I have also taken the liberty of inventing some additional info for some.

YCANP Awesome Animal Names:

Blue Spitting Hornet
- Native to Northeastern US, eats bees and some wasps, characterized by vertical blue stripes along abdomen and venom laced with hydrochloric acid

Albino Moon Otter
- Only active during full moon phase, characteristic white fur and red eyes lacking pigmentation, cannibalistic.

Pink Bladed Mallard
- This unusual duck grows to three pounds (male) or two and one half pounds (female) and is noted for its white and pink feathers. The male also has two large talons on the outside of its webbed feet used to hook prey, and sometimes mating rivals.

Green Spinetail Dragon
- A subspecies of komodo dragon, this large lizard can be found in Asia. Named for twin rows of spiny scales running along its tail. Poisonous.

Orange Kicking Chicken
- Bred in captivity for viciousness and agility. Renowned in cock-fighting circles as the bird to beat. Also makes tasty buffalo wings.

Midnight Jungle Panther
- This large cat typically grows to over six feet in length (excluding tail) and eats primarily lowland gorillas. Usually solitary, has been known to form small packs to take down large game like elephants.

Christmas Island Red Crab
- Small land crab which breathes through gills, native to islands of the Indian Ocean. During yearly migration to the sea can overwhelm local infrastructure by their sheer numbers.

Wailing Red Herring
- Rare fish noted for loud mating calls mimicking whale songs. Often early whalers and marine biologists would track the songs looking for humpback whales, only to find these fish, prompting the metaphor of the "red herring."

Yellow Mystery Toad
- Currently found in, but not native to, England. Was illegally imported and released by Belgian researchers in late 1800s. Mostly yellow with red markings and two distinct pointed black "mustachios" just above upper lip.

Bangladesh White Tamarind
- Small monkey found along the southern shores of the Indian subcontinent. Exceptionally intelligent, ability to use tools, and specimens in captivity may have been shown to understand voice commands.

Cerulean Blind Viper
- Not actually blind, but so named due to opaque eyelids visible when agitated. Scale pattern is alternating stripes of white, black, and bright blue. Native to northern Mexico and parts of Texas.

Redstripe Ribbon Snake
- Semi-aquatic lives in swampland, eats small amphibians, excellent swimmer, mediocre at bobsledding.

Purple Fascist Snake-eater
- (extinct) Once found abundantly in the South Pacific this chondrophore, or colonial-animal, was hunted to extinction in the early 1500s by seafaring Kiwis. Stinging tentacles and digestive organs were dominated by an intelligent "brain" polyp which consumed most of the food-energy gained from free ranging sea snakes (see Star-Bellied Eel)

Star-Bellied Eel
- Not actually an eel, but a large, flat sea snake. Green and blue scales above and shiny white scales on the underside. Nocturnal, exposes underside to moonlight, purpose is speculated to be for mating or communication with other herd members. More research needed. Sought by poachers for scales to be used as jewelry. Endangered.

Red Blood Moth
- The red blood moth is thought to be a unnatural mutation of the Atlas moth, possibly due to exposure of Atlas cocoons to radioactive or chemical runoff. This large moth is similar in appearance and markings to the Atlas moth, but the females feed on the blood of large animals.



That's all for now. See if you can pick out the real animals from the list above!

-t

Fired Up: MLB Playoffs

Rockies/Padres one game playoff to determine the National League Wildcard winner. The game goes to extra innings, and then home plate umpire Tim McClelland screws up the game-winning call.



First, the delay itself was the call. An ump delaying that call at the plate means the play isn't over, it means the runner hasn't touched the plate safely, and the fielder hasn't tagged out the runner. The no-call is itself a call. Four seconds. That's how long it took to make that call. What the hell was going through his mind during those four seconds? "Hoffman is undoubtedly going to blow this game, because there's no way he's getting pulled, and the Rockies are smashing the ball, and we're in extras already, and I'm not working the playoffs, we might as well get out of here now...ok, Safe."

COME ON!

Check the footage! Every close play at the plate! Every one! The umps practically jump up and down screaming "SAFE!" or "OUT!!" and when they don't, it's because the play isn't over!

This isn't about debating instant replay for home runs vs. ground rule doubles (which we've seen the umps get right after conferences, ahem, Bellhorn), it's about a BAD CALL, a WRONG CALL.

This isn't about ump's not being able to see a ball land fair or foul thirty yards away from them at a bad angle along the outfield warning track, this is about a play-at-the-plate, HE WAS RIGHT ON TOP OF THE PLAY.

Maybe he was trying to fix the game, sure, but even if we assume he wanted to see the Rockies get to the playoffs he botched that too! If you're going to give them that call, then give them that call and let Kruk and the boys debate it later or wax philosophical about instant replay, but to let your instincts as an umpire kick in, delay the call and THEN think "Oh, right, I like Colorado...Safe!" is downright awful.

It's bad officiating or it's poorly executed cheating. Either way this guy sucks at his job.

Instant replay absolutely cannot replace real-time human umpiring. Can't do it. If you eliminate the opportunity for human error and judgment calls you also eliminate one of the greatest laments of all fandom: "The refs hosed us."

In the history of bad calls, which are the most memorable? Playoff mistakes, championship botches - and in every case, how does the fan base of the losing team react? Hatred, in the short term, for the refs, and, in the long term, hope, resilency. The bad call is justification to keep on believing. "We would have had it...if it weren't for that F-ing call."

They can't take that away from us. It would be un-American.

Woe Owe is me

I came very close, this afternoon, to walking out of the office, taking the train home, getting in my truck, driving to Los Angeles, and never coming back.

That is to say, I thought really hard about it.

My grandmother visited us last night, and because it was too late for her to drive home, she slept at our house. This morning she offered to drive me to the train on her way home.

And she proceeded to badger me about getting a masters degree. Or a law degree. Anything, because "a bachelor's means nothing nowadays."

For those of you without grandmothers, this isn't really the greatest lecture to kick off a typical public transit commute to a mind-numbing, creativity-stealing, free-time-eating job you hate but begrudgingly show up for day-after-day because it's the most practial way to make enough money to buy a house (someday) provide for a family (someday) and maybe, if you're careful, and only two of the kids need braces, and if they all go to state school, maybe, have enough money, or credit, left over to go back to school yourself and get a master's degree.

You could say I started the day off on the wrong foot. (You could probably also say something about using "off on" consecutively.)

I was a little upset... because I think she's right.

But what am I supposed to do? I owe more money on my car loan and oustanding student loans than I have in the bank; I can't save money for big important purchases (goodbye three bed, one-and-a-half bath, in a good school district) if I'm going into debt to finance a degree; and what the hell program am I supposed to register for anyway? What am I supposed to study!?

I hate what I do. I hate it. So I certainly don't want to pursue that! Goodbye MBA.

But without any other experience, how am I to know what else is out there, or how much I'd hate that?

What if I were fresh out of college? What if I hadn't jumped at gainful employment right after graduation? What would I do if I weren't burdened by these practical concerns? Why not major in that?

I'll tell you why: If I were just out of college, if I managed to convince myself to live in the moment and not work for some far-off dreamed-of payoff (in this case, the payoff is a monthly mortgage payment), if I really just wanted to be happy, and nothing else?

I'd scrape together six hundred bucks or so, buy some clunker I could trust to get me cross-country, drive to LA, or however far the car would take me, and then open up a t-shirt printing shop. The equipment's cheap if you get it used, like three thousand bucks. I could make that in a few months as a short order cook, or something.

But now, it doesn't make sense. If I'm to get a master's degree, I'm gonig to need to pay for it, which means keeping this job. Dropping fifteen grand a year to work in a different field I might hate anyway isn't a good bet.

So, woe is me. The life of a steady-income, car-owning, college graduate can be pretty tough. Almost as tough as making excuses when you know, when you know, your grandmother is right.

-t

A.K.A. Copernicus

So, I've been a bit obsessed lately with this new multimedia portable internet device.

Here it is:






It's the Helio Ocean, and it's amazing. Firstly, it has a keypad and a qwerty keyboard. Secondly, IM access. I'm not kidding. IM. I can stop there.

(But I won't, it's also got wireless internet access, email, unlimited txt msgs, stereo bluetooth, sweet user interface, great address book options, mp3 player, camera, video, and one-push uploads to Flickr, MySpace, and YouTube!)

Anyway, it's wicked awesome, and I totally want one, plus they're super cool. Just check out what these guys are saying about it:

The bottom line: The Helio Ocean is a great beginner smart phone, with a fantastic array of multimedia features and Internet capabilities that are sure to please both consumers and mobile professionals. -cnet.com

I'm just going to blurt it out here: I love the Helio Ocean.
-mobileburn.com

It’s a widely functional media device with massive hipster appeal. There is something decidedly cool about whipping it out in public and having people ogle from across the room. -crunchgear.com

Think about it, how awesome would it be to be hanging out at some fantastic party just when something crazy goes down (Donny doing the lawnmower, maybe), and shooting a video and some hilarious pictures with this and then within seconds uploading them to YouTube and Flickr for the whole world to see what they're missing!

IMing people from work! At your desk! Even thought your work sucks and they won't let you go online at all!

Checking the Red Sox/Yankees score at a wedding ceremony in real time!

The possibilities are endless. I will so let you know when I get one.

-t

Easy Street

I'm in the hunt for a nice place to go and chill out for an hour a day outside lunch time.

I'm bringing lunch instead of buying it, and eating at my desk instead of wandering the financial district looking for a sandwich that will cost less than a weekly MBTA pass.

Working through lunch gives me an hour's break everyday I can spend before noon for errands, a coffee break, or finishing the chapter I started on the train that morning.

Except I can't find a comfortable chair.

So I'm re-embarking on a quest I'd started years ago in college (No, not the quest, you BU grads). I'm looking for an easy chair in a quiet room to relax.

It took me a few years at BU, and I never found a space accessible to the public that really met my needs. The best chair I found within a ten-minute walk from class was in the science building (third floor lobby). It was quiet, no foot traffic, and well-lit. The chairs could have been a bit more comfortable, but they were miles beyond the normal comfort curve BU furniture usually rests on.

Now I'm based in the financial district and I've got the same needs. Well-lit, not busy, comfortable, and warm - especially with winter coming up.

And I refuse to retreat to Starbucks.

I'll keep you updated.

-t

Next Stop, Forty

I am so old.

Twenty-five years and one month. Crazy old, right?

When I hit twenty-five, the twenty-fifth anniversary of the day I was born, I wasn't able to comprehend the enormity of that time span. "Congratulations!" my relations would say, "Now you're a quarter of a century old!" I got a birthday card with a picture of a train on it that said "Next stop, Forty!"

I laughed, uneasily, being polite, but knew I didn't really understand what was going on. I decided to give myself more time.

So here we are, four weeks later, I'm even older than I was (though I suppose we all are...unless one of you out there has access to some pill, or fountain, or some magical youth-rendering treatment (wherein, I can only imagine, you kidnap youths and slowly heat them over a low flame to remove their youthiness (like truthiness) as you would fat from bacon)) and desperation is setting in.

What have I really accomplished in all this time? (Oh my God, all...this...time...It's been so long!)

Sure, I've survived to see twenty-five, but that's not such a big deal anymore, it may even surprise you to learn that most people born in Western indulstrialized countries to middle-income families with access to the world's greatest hospitals are expected to make it to twenty-five.

And sure, I've passed the crucible that is our education system (heated unequally by elementary, secondary, and collegiary flames), so there's that, I guess.

I was able to obtain employment, doing a job only about seventeen million other people across the country do, in a manner, and with an outlook that is almost exactly the same (haphazard, and apathetic, respectively).

I used the money I earned to purchase symbols of my financial status, demonstrations of my worth. I've got a car of my own (only thirty more payments!) I've got the Xbox 360, I've got um...shoes.

But look at the total package! What have I realy accomplished?! What have I done that people will remember me for? (Except that game of assassins I orchestrated in college. Man, that was totally awesome. Oh no, I think I'm starting to live in the past! My finest hour is behind me! WHAT HAVE I BECOME?!)

World takeover bid? That's a young man's game. Climbing Mt. Everst? Not with this arthritis. What's left but to run for public office? I'm almost old enough to run for the presidency! And then what's left? Retire to Harlem, like the great presidents before me, and then take my place next to them in the eternal resting place of our past leaders in Grant's Tomb.

Anyway, twenty-five's pretty damn old. I'll probably be using a walker the next time you see me, if I can even get out of bed for company. That's it. It's over man, game over. This is the end. They were right, all downhill from here. Last trip around the sun. The long goodnight. The last mimzy. Serpico. Fin.

25. Next stop, forty.

-t

Skate

skate is awesome.

It's a video game, about skateboarding. EA is looking to upset the Tony Hawk Pro Skater monopoly on next generation consoles with this title, and, after playing the demo, they just might.

Now, I've gone on record citing THPS for N64 as the greatest video game in the history of video games, a stance I will maintain forever.

It was so crazy awesome that the series quickly grew from a "skate and collect demo tapes to get sponsors!" game to "try to go off this ramp and attain near-earth orbit then grind on the Great Wall of China in a three million point combo" game.

But it was still awesome. Sure the controls were getting a little repetitive, but if it's not broke... and sure, they were running out of cool places to skate (how many generic skate parks in West Coast cities can you see before getting bored?), and sure, the only thing gamers kept coming back for were ridiculously inflated combo scores and Newtonian-defying inertia bonuses (it's physically impossible to speed up while grinding a level rail, as it turns out).

So THPS went on to tremendous heights (literally, I once jumped into a sixth story window), and raked in the cash hand over fist.

Enter skate. The demo takes place in an ordinary skate park. You're an ordinary skater. You do ordinary skater things like ollie, kickflip, heelflip. This game is aimed toward realism - you won't see any of these skaters magically pull a boombox out of their backpack in the midst of a one-footed smith grind.

But the real magic is the control scheme. It's new! It's exciting! It barely uses the face buttons at all! (seriously, "A" to push off was the only one I used the whole time).

You control the board with your right joystick, your body with the left. Tricks are performed by moving the joysticks up, down, left, right, and rotating them in either direction.

In no time I was flying around the park jumping over obstacles, pulling sweet looking grabs, powersliding into quick turns, and grinding low rails. And loving every minute of it.

Because as phenomenal as I am at Tony Hawk Pro Skater (I am phenomenal, seriously), I'm already feeling how easy this game will be to pick up. I'm going to dominate.

Exaggerated vs. Real - Button Mashing vs. Inuition

Everybody wins! (unless you're playing me... then you will lose.)

-t

Foresight

I'd just like to go on the record as saying I'm totally OK with paying through the nose this offseason to get A-Rod to come play third base for us. Or shortstop. Or second base. Or first. Or closer.

I like Mike Lowell at third base. He's having a hell of a year. I'd be totally ok with extending his contract through 2009 or 2010 and letting him retire in Boston.

But I'm also totally ok with replacing him with maybe the greatest baseball player in the history of baseball. I've hated A-Rod since he became a Yankee. I will continue to hate him as long as he's a Yankee or playing in the American League East - but man, how messed up are you if you don't want him playing on your hometown nine? He's practically a force of nature! The numbers! They're incredible! Can you even comprehend what sort of offense Ortiz-Ramirez-Rodriguez would generate? I can't. I'm telling you, I cannot comprehend it. Hell, A-Rod would make J.D. Drew a better hitter!

So, Theo, I totally trust you, and only want to let you know, there is at least one fan who gets that putting Alex Rodriguez on the payroll would be freakin' awesome.

For clarity's sake, however, (and my Boston reader's sanity) I will reiterate the following:

• I hate Jeter, and will hate Jeter now matter how long he plays or how many different teams he plays for (Ha. Right. Like Jeter is ever not going to be a Yankee).


• I hate Giambi. I have always hated Giambi.


• I hate the entire Yankee organization.


• I hope A-Rod doesn't get a clutch hit for the remainder of his tenure in New York, and I hope he commits three (costly) errors a game.


• Go Red Sox

Just wanted to get that out there.

The Most Important Things

This is completely ridiculous. I need a job that gives me more free time. I just can't fit work, blog reading, and blog writing into my current schedule, and blog reading and writing clearly aren't going to get cut.

Publishing seems to call to me. I think, if I could do it succsesfully, writing would be the ideal career. Any kind of writing, really - I would certainly enjoy the wacky adventures of a freelance novelist of the Wonder Boys ilk; and I had a blast writing for my high school newspaper and would guess daily publishing is much the same (in addition, I would undoubtedly be presented with myriad opportunities to solve murder mysteries and uncover nefarious plots, like these famous reporters - oh, and let's not forget this guy.)

Upon re-reading that second point, it seems to me it is not so much the freedom of a flexible schedule that I seek, but is, in fact, super human abilities.


But if that isn't the best job perk going I might as well just get myself fired and file for unemployment.

The Monday Meeting is supposed to take place on Monday.

Why, sure, I'd love another group meeting, we only had one last week. What's on the agenda today?

Introductions for the new girl who joined the group Monday. (Hey, guys, it's Thursday...introductions were taken care of Monday, you know, when she started)

Tech Support updates. (Nothing new to report? Really? You mean the requests you sent for your pet projects that you've been talking about for three months are still sitting in the IT inbox? Unread? So your report is "nothing to report." Great.)

Brand new organizational chart! (Damn I am so excited, the last one of these we saw was pretty blasé, all grey and black. Maybe this one will have some yellow or red, with arrows! It really is a shame we only get these once a week. New org charts would be a huge hit on a daily basis.)

Finally, new responsibilities! Yay! The most experienced guy is moving to another group! Everybody else gets bumped up one spot, I get moved from the medium difficulty funds to the really giant hard funds, sweet. Today international mutual funds, tomorrow, the world!

Thanks for giving up an hour of your processing time, now get back to work and make sure you still get everything finished by the afternoon deadline!

Stupid Meetings.

.500

Final softball game of the year!

Reviewing my season's stats before the game I was 11-for-23 going into the game and would need a 1-for-1 performance to hit the .500 mark for the season.

My first at bat came in the second inning, and I beat out an infield hit! I advanced to second base on a walk, but was tagged out trying to slide under a tag on a ground ball to third. My team (the blue team) took the lead.

Unfortunately, a few throwing errors in the field gave the bad guys (the red team) a few runs back and made it a ballgame.

I didn't help much by grounding out to first base my next time up - which also dropped me back below .500!

We scored a few, they scored a few to keep it close, and then in the seventh inning I led off with a hit up the middle and scored on a two-run home run. (.500 again!)

And in the bottom of the sixth I played some stellar defense to hang on to the one run lead. After a pop fly to third base to start the inning the bad guys loaded the bases with a few hits and a walk, then brought in two runs with a single to make it a one-run game.

So, with one out and runners on first and second I caught a screaming line drive at first base and dove at the runner, caught off the bag, to apply a tag and double him off to hold the lead!

We scored twice more in the top of the seventh and got three quick outs in the bottom of the inning to win our final game.

Go blue team.

Tom's season totals:
AB 26
H 13
AVG 0.500
BB 0
K 4
R 9
RBI 8
2B 1
3B 1
HR 1
SLG .731
OBP .500
OPS 1.231

Not too shabby for my first season in organized ball since freshman year of high school. Next year I'll be shooting for zero strikeouts and more doubles.

-t