Medical conditions with which I am afflicted:
Schemohydrolysis - more commonly "water poisoning," or "over-hydration," triggered by consuming too much water in a given interval, and tipping the water/mass ratio of the body (normally 60% in favor of water in males, 55% in females) over the 68.5% mark.
Hydro-tunemia - A related condition affecting blood vessels in which all of the blood in the body is replaced by water. Dr. Maurice Hogan (1802-1888), of London, who named the condition once quipped "If you prick them, do they not leak?"
Also, possibly, fulminant hypocephalopathic fantachondria, or, the belief that one is afflicted with imaginary diseases of one's own creation.
-t
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Sweep Dreams: An Open Letter to the Red Sox*
Dear Boston Red Sox,
Please sweep the Rockies in the World Series. Firstly, because it would be awesome. Secondly, because these three-hour-plus games and post-game press conferences and analysis are really, really, cutting into my normal sleep schedule.
It's not bad at all during the regular season when NESN carries the games, and they start at the very reasonable time of 7 PM (EST). Then even a four hour game will see me in bed well before midnight satiated, full to the brim of good baseball and wise, thoughtful, well-produced post-game commentary by the studio team of Caron, Remy, and Eckersley.
It is bad when Fox, with their late start times, pandering to their West Coast audience, broadcasts these games. When the first pitch is thrown at 8:15 PM (EST), (or even later!) even a much quicker three-and-one-half-hour game is pushing the midnight envelope. I'm lucky to be in bed by half-past twelve, or asleep by one o'clock!
Now, as a baseball fan, I am compelled, hard-wired, you could say, to watch every pitch, every at-bat, every, single out of playoff baseball, I would continue to do so even if the series went to seven games, each one decided in not less than six hours, lasting no fewer than twenty-three innings. It would ruin me, physically - and probably get me fired - but I would do it.
But, I am asking, instead, that you, Boston Red Sox, please sweep the World Series, so as to maximize both my happiness, and my well-restedness.
Thank you,
Tom
*Thanks to Tyler for the updated title.
Please sweep the Rockies in the World Series. Firstly, because it would be awesome. Secondly, because these three-hour-plus games and post-game press conferences and analysis are really, really, cutting into my normal sleep schedule.
It's not bad at all during the regular season when NESN carries the games, and they start at the very reasonable time of 7 PM (EST). Then even a four hour game will see me in bed well before midnight satiated, full to the brim of good baseball and wise, thoughtful, well-produced post-game commentary by the studio team of Caron, Remy, and Eckersley.
It is bad when Fox, with their late start times, pandering to their West Coast audience, broadcasts these games. When the first pitch is thrown at 8:15 PM (EST), (or even later!) even a much quicker three-and-one-half-hour game is pushing the midnight envelope. I'm lucky to be in bed by half-past twelve, or asleep by one o'clock!
Now, as a baseball fan, I am compelled, hard-wired, you could say, to watch every pitch, every at-bat, every, single out of playoff baseball, I would continue to do so even if the series went to seven games, each one decided in not less than six hours, lasting no fewer than twenty-three innings. It would ruin me, physically - and probably get me fired - but I would do it.
But, I am asking, instead, that you, Boston Red Sox, please sweep the World Series, so as to maximize both my happiness, and my well-restedness.
Thank you,
Tom
*Thanks to Tyler for the updated title.
Monday, October 22, 2007
Blogtoberfest: Update
A few headlines, and a quick update on this post from last week:
THE RED SOX ARE THE 2007 AMERICAN LEAGUE CHAMPS!
JENNY FRAZIER MAKES 'TOP TEN PARTY FOULS OF 2007' LIST!
Seriously, Jenny, Blogtoberfest couldn't have been scheduled for some Thursday in November when there's zero chance of the Red Sox playing a meaningful game? I mean, that could work, right?
Also, to those who commented on the earlier post, Eileen, regarding jinxing Boston's chances of making it, I would just like to reiterate: I know where the line is, and I was well behind it. Well behind.
THE RED SOX ARE THE 2007 AMERICAN LEAGUE CHAMPS!
JENNY FRAZIER MAKES 'TOP TEN PARTY FOULS OF 2007' LIST!
Seriously, Jenny, Blogtoberfest couldn't have been scheduled for some Thursday in November when there's zero chance of the Red Sox playing a meaningful game? I mean, that could work, right?
Also, to those who commented on the earlier post, Eileen, regarding jinxing Boston's chances of making it, I would just like to reiterate: I know where the line is, and I was well behind it. Well behind.
Doubting Thomas
Ok, I feel like I have to be honest with you, readers.
Watching this live, there was a split second, one tiny, minute, very, very, small, fraction of time when I thought, maybe, Coco wasn't going to catch this one. That, maybe, this ball was going to drop over his glove, and bounce.
It's right when he changes direction. You can see him making a beeline for this ball, and just as he reaches the track, curling out, toward the triangle.
This catch, I think, is both a demonstration of his reknowned speed and athleticism, and symbolic of his character: Crisp put it on the line, smashing into the wall, not because he's been playing there everyday, but in spite of being a defensive replacement.
I didn't see one interview with Crisp after the game. I saw Papelbon, Youkilis, and Pedroia on three different networks; I saw Ortiz and Ramirez; I saw Francona, Epstein, Werner, and Henry.
I'm gonna be pissed if Crisp doesn't walk away with the Gold Glove this season.
-t
I was looking for a highlight reel of Crisp's catches this season. I found this.
(and, ok, ok, there are a bunch of videos with Crisp on NESN. Way to go NESN! including some post-game interviews.)
Watching this live, there was a split second, one tiny, minute, very, very, small, fraction of time when I thought, maybe, Coco wasn't going to catch this one. That, maybe, this ball was going to drop over his glove, and bounce.
It's right when he changes direction. You can see him making a beeline for this ball, and just as he reaches the track, curling out, toward the triangle.
This catch, I think, is both a demonstration of his reknowned speed and athleticism, and symbolic of his character: Crisp put it on the line, smashing into the wall, not because he's been playing there everyday, but in spite of being a defensive replacement.
I didn't see one interview with Crisp after the game. I saw Papelbon, Youkilis, and Pedroia on three different networks; I saw Ortiz and Ramirez; I saw Francona, Epstein, Werner, and Henry.
I'm gonna be pissed if Crisp doesn't walk away with the Gold Glove this season.
-t
I was looking for a highlight reel of Crisp's catches this season. I found this.
(and, ok, ok, there are a bunch of videos with Crisp on NESN. Way to go NESN! including some post-game interviews.)
Thursday, October 18, 2007
How I leanred to Internet!!
I love these guys. This is totally my favorite youtube video.
I hope somebody makes t-shirts.
Fax us your email address!
-t
I hope somebody makes t-shirts.
Fax us your email address!
-t
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Wishlist
Topping out my wishlist this holiday season (specifically the time between Halloween and Dan Goldin Day) are these two video games:
Assassin's Creed:
Ok, I'll be honest, this game looks totally awesome. You're part of an assassin's guild, and you're taking out the Templars...or you are a Templar and you're taking out their enemies...or something. Anyway, the game looks sweet, and early reviews have compared its style of gameplay to Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time which is a totally awesome game.
Check the trailer:
The Orange Box:
This is basically five games for the price of one. Half Life, and Half Life 2, bestsellers and world famous PC games (Counter Strike, which some readers are familiar with, is a Half Life mod). The disc also has Portal, a puzzle/platforming game which utilizes portals that will transport you instantaneously from one to the next, like in cartoons. And finally, Team Fortress 2, a multiplayer shooter with nine player classes, like Sniper, Doctor, Engineer, Soldier, and DemoMan. The game is designed in The Incredibles style and the promos are hilarious.
Portal:
The Engineer:
The Soldier:
The Heavy:
There's also a rumor about A Prince of Persia prequel trilogy. Sweet.
-t
Assassin's Creed:
Ok, I'll be honest, this game looks totally awesome. You're part of an assassin's guild, and you're taking out the Templars...or you are a Templar and you're taking out their enemies...or something. Anyway, the game looks sweet, and early reviews have compared its style of gameplay to Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time which is a totally awesome game.
Check the trailer:
The Orange Box:
This is basically five games for the price of one. Half Life, and Half Life 2, bestsellers and world famous PC games (Counter Strike, which some readers are familiar with, is a Half Life mod). The disc also has Portal, a puzzle/platforming game which utilizes portals that will transport you instantaneously from one to the next, like in cartoons. And finally, Team Fortress 2, a multiplayer shooter with nine player classes, like Sniper, Doctor, Engineer, Soldier, and DemoMan. The game is designed in The Incredibles style and the promos are hilarious.
Portal:
The Engineer:
The Soldier:
The Heavy:
There's also a rumor about A Prince of Persia prequel trilogy. Sweet.
-t
Blogtoberfest, the second!
Ok, folks, just an f.y.i. to you baseball fans...who I know are out there...
Blogtoberfest is scheduled for Thursday October 25th.
World Series, Game 2, is also scheduled for October 25th.
The party starts at six. The game starts at eight.
I'm just sayin.
You know.
Be aware.
This has "Party Foul of the Year" potential all-over it.
I'll be parked under the television for the first pitch. Do come join me, it's a great game.
-t
Blogtoberfest is scheduled for Thursday October 25th.
World Series, Game 2, is also scheduled for October 25th.
The party starts at six. The game starts at eight.
I'm just sayin.
You know.
Be aware.
This has "Party Foul of the Year" potential all-over it.
I'll be parked under the television for the first pitch. Do come join me, it's a great game.
-t
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
You're mad? Call me back.
Overheard, as I log in to my computer this morning. Speaking, Trade Manager (on the phone), Cash Team Manager (next cubicle over):
[on the phone] "...Ok, you're mad... If you're mad, call me back in an hour when we can talk." [hangs up]
"Dude, she's mad? Do you know what kind of emotions you're mixing right now? The relationship emotions, now the getting engaged emotions, and, who knows, maybe that...other thing - that's a wild card."
"What?"
"You know, that "old friend," the thing we're not allowed to bring up ever? You know what I mean. It's an excuse. They can be mad just because they want to be mad. We pay the penalty."
"Yeah, I told her, 'call me back in an hour so we can talk' - she calls me back a second later [squeaky voice] 'you think I can't talk!?'"
"Playing with fire, man. Playing with fire."
Maybe you readers can guess which manager is married and which is engaged.
It's stuff like this that prompts coffee breaks fifteen seconds after I walk in the door.
-t
[on the phone] "...Ok, you're mad... If you're mad, call me back in an hour when we can talk." [hangs up]
"Dude, she's mad? Do you know what kind of emotions you're mixing right now? The relationship emotions, now the getting engaged emotions, and, who knows, maybe that...other thing - that's a wild card."
"What?"
"You know, that "old friend," the thing we're not allowed to bring up ever? You know what I mean. It's an excuse. They can be mad just because they want to be mad. We pay the penalty."
"Yeah, I told her, 'call me back in an hour so we can talk' - she calls me back a second later [squeaky voice] 'you think I can't talk!?'"
"Playing with fire, man. Playing with fire."
Maybe you readers can guess which manager is married and which is engaged.
It's stuff like this that prompts coffee breaks fifteen seconds after I walk in the door.
-t
Monday, October 08, 2007
Crazy Fire Army
The coconut crab, in itself, might be enough for a blog post.
But, reading up on what is, in fact, an animal, and not a special effects creature, I found a mention of the yellow crazy ant, and I thought, that is enough to warrant a blog post.
Yellow. Crazy. Ant. That's like the coolest name ever. People don't have awesome names like that. It's just animals, and insects, ants especially, seem to get really awesome names. Army ants. Fire Ants. Yellow crazy ants.
I decided to top them. Using the Yellow Crazy Ant Naming Protocol (YCANP), I have come up with the following list of awesome animal names.
Incidentally, the YCANP is a three step procedure akin to Mad Libs. Pick a color, pick an adjective, pick an animal. There are a few caveats: Basic colors are usually better than obscure colors ("blue" not "cerulean"), opt for fewer syllables when possible ("pink not "magenta", and "white" is usually replaced with "albino" (though artistic touches are encouraged within reason: "midnight" instead of "black"); As with any good Mad Lib adjectives are almost unlimited; and as to animal choices, unnerving is better than cute: insects, crustaceans, or reptiles, instead of koalas or meerkats.
I have also taken the liberty of inventing some additional info for some.
YCANP Awesome Animal Names:
Blue Spitting Hornet
- Native to Northeastern US, eats bees and some wasps, characterized by vertical blue stripes along abdomen and venom laced with hydrochloric acid
Albino Moon Otter
- Only active during full moon phase, characteristic white fur and red eyes lacking pigmentation, cannibalistic.
Pink Bladed Mallard
- This unusual duck grows to three pounds (male) or two and one half pounds (female) and is noted for its white and pink feathers. The male also has two large talons on the outside of its webbed feet used to hook prey, and sometimes mating rivals.
Green Spinetail Dragon
- A subspecies of komodo dragon, this large lizard can be found in Asia. Named for twin rows of spiny scales running along its tail. Poisonous.
Orange Kicking Chicken
- Bred in captivity for viciousness and agility. Renowned in cock-fighting circles as the bird to beat. Also makes tasty buffalo wings.
Midnight Jungle Panther
- This large cat typically grows to over six feet in length (excluding tail) and eats primarily lowland gorillas. Usually solitary, has been known to form small packs to take down large game like elephants.
Christmas Island Red Crab
- Small land crab which breathes through gills, native to islands of the Indian Ocean. During yearly migration to the sea can overwhelm local infrastructure by their sheer numbers.
Wailing Red Herring
- Rare fish noted for loud mating calls mimicking whale songs. Often early whalers and marine biologists would track the songs looking for humpback whales, only to find these fish, prompting the metaphor of the "red herring."
Yellow Mystery Toad
- Currently found in, but not native to, England. Was illegally imported and released by Belgian researchers in late 1800s. Mostly yellow with red markings and two distinct pointed black "mustachios" just above upper lip.
Bangladesh White Tamarind
- Small monkey found along the southern shores of the Indian subcontinent. Exceptionally intelligent, ability to use tools, and specimens in captivity may have been shown to understand voice commands.
Cerulean Blind Viper
- Not actually blind, but so named due to opaque eyelids visible when agitated. Scale pattern is alternating stripes of white, black, and bright blue. Native to northern Mexico and parts of Texas.
Redstripe Ribbon Snake
- Semi-aquatic lives in swampland, eats small amphibians, excellent swimmer, mediocre at bobsledding.
Purple Fascist Snake-eater
- (extinct) Once found abundantly in the South Pacific this chondrophore, or colonial-animal, was hunted to extinction in the early 1500s by seafaring Kiwis. Stinging tentacles and digestive organs were dominated by an intelligent "brain" polyp which consumed most of the food-energy gained from free ranging sea snakes (see Star-Bellied Eel)
Star-Bellied Eel
- Not actually an eel, but a large, flat sea snake. Green and blue scales above and shiny white scales on the underside. Nocturnal, exposes underside to moonlight, purpose is speculated to be for mating or communication with other herd members. More research needed. Sought by poachers for scales to be used as jewelry. Endangered.
Red Blood Moth
- The red blood moth is thought to be a unnatural mutation of the Atlas moth, possibly due to exposure of Atlas cocoons to radioactive or chemical runoff. This large moth is similar in appearance and markings to the Atlas moth, but the females feed on the blood of large animals.
That's all for now. See if you can pick out the real animals from the list above!
-t
But, reading up on what is, in fact, an animal, and not a special effects creature, I found a mention of the yellow crazy ant, and I thought, that is enough to warrant a blog post.
Yellow. Crazy. Ant. That's like the coolest name ever. People don't have awesome names like that. It's just animals, and insects, ants especially, seem to get really awesome names. Army ants. Fire Ants. Yellow crazy ants.
I decided to top them. Using the Yellow Crazy Ant Naming Protocol (YCANP), I have come up with the following list of awesome animal names.
Incidentally, the YCANP is a three step procedure akin to Mad Libs. Pick a color, pick an adjective, pick an animal. There are a few caveats: Basic colors are usually better than obscure colors ("blue" not "cerulean"), opt for fewer syllables when possible ("pink not "magenta", and "white" is usually replaced with "albino" (though artistic touches are encouraged within reason: "midnight" instead of "black"); As with any good Mad Lib adjectives are almost unlimited; and as to animal choices, unnerving is better than cute: insects, crustaceans, or reptiles, instead of koalas or meerkats.
I have also taken the liberty of inventing some additional info for some.
YCANP Awesome Animal Names:
Blue Spitting Hornet
- Native to Northeastern US, eats bees and some wasps, characterized by vertical blue stripes along abdomen and venom laced with hydrochloric acid
Albino Moon Otter
- Only active during full moon phase, characteristic white fur and red eyes lacking pigmentation, cannibalistic.
Pink Bladed Mallard
- This unusual duck grows to three pounds (male) or two and one half pounds (female) and is noted for its white and pink feathers. The male also has two large talons on the outside of its webbed feet used to hook prey, and sometimes mating rivals.
Green Spinetail Dragon
- A subspecies of komodo dragon, this large lizard can be found in Asia. Named for twin rows of spiny scales running along its tail. Poisonous.
Orange Kicking Chicken
- Bred in captivity for viciousness and agility. Renowned in cock-fighting circles as the bird to beat. Also makes tasty buffalo wings.
Midnight Jungle Panther
- This large cat typically grows to over six feet in length (excluding tail) and eats primarily lowland gorillas. Usually solitary, has been known to form small packs to take down large game like elephants.
Christmas Island Red Crab
- Small land crab which breathes through gills, native to islands of the Indian Ocean. During yearly migration to the sea can overwhelm local infrastructure by their sheer numbers.
Wailing Red Herring
- Rare fish noted for loud mating calls mimicking whale songs. Often early whalers and marine biologists would track the songs looking for humpback whales, only to find these fish, prompting the metaphor of the "red herring."
Yellow Mystery Toad
- Currently found in, but not native to, England. Was illegally imported and released by Belgian researchers in late 1800s. Mostly yellow with red markings and two distinct pointed black "mustachios" just above upper lip.
Bangladesh White Tamarind
- Small monkey found along the southern shores of the Indian subcontinent. Exceptionally intelligent, ability to use tools, and specimens in captivity may have been shown to understand voice commands.
Cerulean Blind Viper
- Not actually blind, but so named due to opaque eyelids visible when agitated. Scale pattern is alternating stripes of white, black, and bright blue. Native to northern Mexico and parts of Texas.
Redstripe Ribbon Snake
- Semi-aquatic lives in swampland, eats small amphibians, excellent swimmer, mediocre at bobsledding.
Purple Fascist Snake-eater
- (extinct) Once found abundantly in the South Pacific this chondrophore, or colonial-animal, was hunted to extinction in the early 1500s by seafaring Kiwis. Stinging tentacles and digestive organs were dominated by an intelligent "brain" polyp which consumed most of the food-energy gained from free ranging sea snakes (see Star-Bellied Eel)
Star-Bellied Eel
- Not actually an eel, but a large, flat sea snake. Green and blue scales above and shiny white scales on the underside. Nocturnal, exposes underside to moonlight, purpose is speculated to be for mating or communication with other herd members. More research needed. Sought by poachers for scales to be used as jewelry. Endangered.
Red Blood Moth
- The red blood moth is thought to be a unnatural mutation of the Atlas moth, possibly due to exposure of Atlas cocoons to radioactive or chemical runoff. This large moth is similar in appearance and markings to the Atlas moth, but the females feed on the blood of large animals.
That's all for now. See if you can pick out the real animals from the list above!
-t
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
Fired Up: MLB Playoffs
Rockies/Padres one game playoff to determine the National League Wildcard winner. The game goes to extra innings, and then home plate umpire Tim McClelland screws up the game-winning call.
First, the delay itself was the call. An ump delaying that call at the plate means the play isn't over, it means the runner hasn't touched the plate safely, and the fielder hasn't tagged out the runner. The no-call is itself a call. Four seconds. That's how long it took to make that call. What the hell was going through his mind during those four seconds? "Hoffman is undoubtedly going to blow this game, because there's no way he's getting pulled, and the Rockies are smashing the ball, and we're in extras already, and I'm not working the playoffs, we might as well get out of here now...ok, Safe."
COME ON!
Check the footage! Every close play at the plate! Every one! The umps practically jump up and down screaming "SAFE!" or "OUT!!" and when they don't, it's because the play isn't over!
This isn't about debating instant replay for home runs vs. ground rule doubles (which we've seen the umps get right after conferences, ahem, Bellhorn), it's about a BAD CALL, a WRONG CALL.
This isn't about ump's not being able to see a ball land fair or foul thirty yards away from them at a bad angle along the outfield warning track, this is about a play-at-the-plate, HE WAS RIGHT ON TOP OF THE PLAY.
Maybe he was trying to fix the game, sure, but even if we assume he wanted to see the Rockies get to the playoffs he botched that too! If you're going to give them that call, then give them that call and let Kruk and the boys debate it later or wax philosophical about instant replay, but to let your instincts as an umpire kick in, delay the call and THEN think "Oh, right, I like Colorado...Safe!" is downright awful.
It's bad officiating or it's poorly executed cheating. Either way this guy sucks at his job.
Instant replay absolutely cannot replace real-time human umpiring. Can't do it. If you eliminate the opportunity for human error and judgment calls you also eliminate one of the greatest laments of all fandom: "The refs hosed us."
In the history of bad calls, which are the most memorable? Playoff mistakes, championship botches - and in every case, how does the fan base of the losing team react? Hatred, in the short term, for the refs, and, in the long term, hope, resilency. The bad call is justification to keep on believing. "We would have had it...if it weren't for that F-ing call."
They can't take that away from us. It would be un-American.
First, the delay itself was the call. An ump delaying that call at the plate means the play isn't over, it means the runner hasn't touched the plate safely, and the fielder hasn't tagged out the runner. The no-call is itself a call. Four seconds. That's how long it took to make that call. What the hell was going through his mind during those four seconds? "Hoffman is undoubtedly going to blow this game, because there's no way he's getting pulled, and the Rockies are smashing the ball, and we're in extras already, and I'm not working the playoffs, we might as well get out of here now...ok, Safe."
COME ON!
Check the footage! Every close play at the plate! Every one! The umps practically jump up and down screaming "SAFE!" or "OUT!!" and when they don't, it's because the play isn't over!
This isn't about debating instant replay for home runs vs. ground rule doubles (which we've seen the umps get right after conferences, ahem, Bellhorn), it's about a BAD CALL, a WRONG CALL.
This isn't about ump's not being able to see a ball land fair or foul thirty yards away from them at a bad angle along the outfield warning track, this is about a play-at-the-plate, HE WAS RIGHT ON TOP OF THE PLAY.
Maybe he was trying to fix the game, sure, but even if we assume he wanted to see the Rockies get to the playoffs he botched that too! If you're going to give them that call, then give them that call and let Kruk and the boys debate it later or wax philosophical about instant replay, but to let your instincts as an umpire kick in, delay the call and THEN think "Oh, right, I like Colorado...Safe!" is downright awful.
It's bad officiating or it's poorly executed cheating. Either way this guy sucks at his job.
Instant replay absolutely cannot replace real-time human umpiring. Can't do it. If you eliminate the opportunity for human error and judgment calls you also eliminate one of the greatest laments of all fandom: "The refs hosed us."
In the history of bad calls, which are the most memorable? Playoff mistakes, championship botches - and in every case, how does the fan base of the losing team react? Hatred, in the short term, for the refs, and, in the long term, hope, resilency. The bad call is justification to keep on believing. "We would have had it...if it weren't for that F-ing call."
They can't take that away from us. It would be un-American.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)