Reading

This is the funniest thing Ken Tremendous has ever written.

The smell of freshly greased leather and the crack of Louisville Sluggers drew me inside the David L. Lawrence Convention Center over the weekend.
It was the 18th annual PirateFest. It's a courageous act, celebrating baseball in Pittsburgh, considering the Pirates suffer from one of the lousiest fan bases in all professional sports.

Okay, so, maybe Pittsburgh fans aren't the most ardent in the nation. Dave Littlefield, Kevin McClatchy, and fifteen straight losing seasons will do that to people. But it's okay, I guess, to call them out, if you're a local journalist and you support the home team.

There, I said it. And, no, I'm not about to backpedal or apologize for characterizing most of the team's followers as whiny, loudmouthed louts who are too insecure to appreciate what being a fan is really about.

Yes. You're very brave. Get to the point.


To make my case, I'd like to compare the difference between the ways fans of stick-and-ball sports -- a category that includes baseball -- approach their favorite games, to the manner in which fans of my personal favorite sport, superbike racing, do.


...

Sorry, I'm going to ask you to repeat that. Because for a second, I thought you were about to compare baseball to a made-up thing called "superbike racing." ...

You are in for a treat.

B.A.D.

I've been (sort of) offered a new position. I've been asked to leave the trades team and join a Quality Assurance group to test system software updates before live implementation.

I imagine it's a lot like video game debugging, except with numbers and text instead of guns and zombies. Probably the same number of explosions, though.

Upside: Potentially more free time and fewer late nights.
Downside: Moving from the 13th floor to the 9th floor. It's quiet (too quiet) and painted a funny (not ha-ha funny) color.

Second Upside: The group is Business Application Development, a.k.a. The B.A.D. Group.

Best company softball team name yet.

-t

P.S. If this group works out I will probably adopt B.A.D. as the acronym for my evil world-takeover organization - I'll come up with the meaning later.

Be My Friend

You guys remember when you first decided to start blogging, and you didn't know anyone, and you didn't have any links in your sidebar, and you only read mightygirl and dooce and nytimes.com?

You'd spend weeks trying to attract commenters and other bloggers to set up a link network, blog friends.

Or AIM! Man, that totally sucked. The only people on your buddy list was your older brother who set up your screenname, and your cousin from California who never signed on anyway and even when she did she'd just put up some boring away message like "hw sucks" and go idle for two weeks.

Well, I'm in exactly that position now on Xbox Live. I'm new, I don't have any idea what's going on, and I have no idea how to add people to my friends list. Or find people to add, for that matter.

So, naturally, I turned to the blog.

Who wants to be my friend?! Seriously. Leave a comment or send me an email, then I'll kick your ass in Burnout Paradise. Or Crackdown. Because I love Crackdown.

Going Native

I was watching American Gangster and it struck me that Russel Crowe's leading roles in big films have different nationalities. An American in American Gangster, A Beautiful Mind, and The Insider; Spanish (or Roman) in Gladiator; Canadian in Mystery, Alaska (ok, technically American), British in Master and Commander.

By and large American characters are played by American leading men (and the occassional Englishman with, when one is attempted at all, a horribly mangled accent). Brits are cast to play European roles almost exclusively (no doubt because the American twang is a bitch to fake unless you're Hugh Laurie, and the US movie-going public is already convinced all twentieth century German and Russian soldiers had been educated at the Royal Shakespearean Company (who, no doubt, learned their accents from the Romans in some giant lecture held just after the Colloseum was built) so why bother with anything other than your native accent?).

And remember, we're talking leading men here, not character actors, who can be counted on to fufill any role (and accent) required brilliantly. (Peter Sellers gets lumped in with these chaps - best "worst French accent" ever.)

Examples:
Gregory Peck - To Kill a Mockingbird, MacArthur, How the West Was Won, Guns of Navarone, etc.
Cary Grant - An Affair to Remember, The Bishop's Wife, The Philadelphia Story, His Girl Friday
George Clooney - Three Kings, Michael Clayton, Intolerable Cruelty, O Brother Where Art Thou?
Liam Neeson - Schindler's List (German), K-19 The Widowmaker (Russian), Les Miserable (French), Michael Collins (Irish), Rob Roy (Scottish), etc
Sean Connery - Hunt for Red October (Russian), and my personal favorite, Highlander (Spanish)(I'm not kidding).

The question is, who's the most travelled? Who's the xenophile? I can't come up with anyone to top Neeson, can you?

Seriously, though, Highlander - a movie set in, and named for, the Highlands of Scotland, a stone's throw from Connery's native Wales - the casting director, after landing arguably the most famous male lead on the planet, a native casts Sean Connery, of Wales, in a movie set in nearby Scotland, as a Spaniard. I'm not kidding. He plays Juan Sanchez Villa-Lobos Ramirez. This has got to be the worst casting decision in movie history. Ever.

Also of note, Liam Neeson's turn as an American from the South in Next of Kin. Not a leading role, (he plays second fiddle to late-80's dreamboat Patrick Swayze) Neeson is Briar Gates.

"Truman [Patrick Swayze], a Chicago cop, takes on the mob to find the killer of his brother. Meanwhile, another of his brothers, Briar [Neeson] (a hillbilly) decides to find the killer himself. "

A hillbilly! Best role ever, man. Best role ever.

The movie ends when Briar gets himself killed in a shootout and Swayze's entire hillbilly clan piles their shotguns, hunting dogs, broken bottles, ferrets, and bb guns into a couple of vans, drive pell-mell into the city, and basically kill every mobster they can lay their hands on. It's hilarious.


-t

More Weight!

Time for the Eightieth Academy Awards. Here are my predictions. Feel free to use them to win your annual Oscar Party Ballot and walk away with the pot.

Best Picture

• Atonement
  
• Juno
  
• Michael Clayton
  
• No Country for Old Men
  
• There Will Be Blood

Juno was a surprise nominee, but I don't think it has the chops to win in any of the categories it's nominated in (Though it would certainly run away with Best Teen Flick, Funniest Serious Movie, Best Movie Depicting Ordinary People, Best Dialogue, and Best Line ("I'm a kraken from the sea," "I try really hard, actually," Thanks for having me and my irresponsible daughter over to your house." "Like I'd marry you, you'd be the meanest wife ever ok? And I know that you weren't bored that day. Because there was a lot of stuff on tv and The Blair Witch Project was coming on Stars and you were like, "I haven't seen this since it came out and so we should watch it," but oh no we should just make out instead la la la...")

I'd say it's a toss-up between There Will Be Blood and No Country for Old Men -- I'm picking NCFOM to take it.

Best Director

• Paul Thomas Anderson - There Will Be Blood
  
• Joel Coen and Ethan Coen - No Country for Old Men
  
• Tony Gilroy - Michael Clayton
  
• Jason Reitman - Juno
  
• Julian Schnabel - The Diving Bell and the Butterfly

I'm picking the Coens in this category. This may be because NCFOM was brilliantly directed, or because I've recently seen The Big Lebowski. Coens will get another statue to join their Fargo Best Original Screenplay.

Best Actor

• George Clooney - Michael Clayton
  
• Daniel Day-Lewis - There Will Be Blood
  
• Johnny Depp - Sweeney Todd
  
• Tommy Lee Jones - In the Valley of Elah
  
• Viggo Mortensen - Eastern Promises

Daniel Day-Lewis is the heavy favorite, and I'm picking with the field. I thought he got shafted for Gangs of New York and anyone who didn't vote for him then will certainly vote for him now, putting him over the top. A grizzled DDL will top pretty-boy George Clooney any day. Also, no one likes lawyers.

Best Actress

• Cate Blanchett - Elizabeth: The Golden Age
  
• Julie Christie - Away from Her
  
• Marion Cotillard - La Vie en Rose (La môme)
  
• Laura Linney - The Savages
  
• Ellen Page - Juno

No idea on this one, I don't think Ellen Page put up an Oscar worthy performance, but I think overall it's a weak category, so there could be a surprise. This is the most even category out there. I'm going with the foreign language title - Marion Cotillard.

Best Supporting Actor

• Casey Affleck - The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford
  
• Javier Bardem - No Country for Old Men
  
• Philip Seymour Hoffman - Charlie Wilson's War
  
• Hal Holbrook - Into the Wild
  
• Tom Wilkinson - Michael Clayton

Hey, Casey Affleck getting an Academy nod. Way to go, Boston. I like Javier Bardem for this award, but Michael Clayton seems to be a favorite among critics, so Wilkinson might pull it off, and don't underestimate some Capote carry-over for Hoffman, who has been tremendously outstanding his entire career, and might be making up for it the rest of the way. I'm still picking the Western.

Best Supporting Actress

• Cate Blanchett - I'm Not There
  
• Ruby Dee - American Gangster
  
• Saoirse Ronan - Atonement
  
• Amy Ryan - Gone Baby Gone
  
• Tilda Swinton - Michael Clayton

I would have liked to see Allison Janney in this category (again, she wouldn't have won, but "verbally abusing an ultrasound tech for comedic affect" is on my shortlist of "reasons I'd nominate you for an oscar" so there you have it).

But I have seen I'm Not There and Cate Blanchett was absolutely amazing as rock 'n roll star Bob Dylan. She runs away with it.

Best Original Screenplay

• Juno - Diablo Cody
  
• Lars and the Real Girl - Nancy Oliver
  
• Michael Clayton - Tony Gilroy
  
• Ratatouille - Brad Bird
  
• The Savages - Tamara Jenkins

Juno was good, but come on, a story about a guy falling in love with a life-size doll? Lars and the Real Girl wins. I'm also predicting a quirky acceptance speech.

Best Adapted Screenplay

• Atonement - Christopher Hampton
  
• Away from Her - Sarah Polley
  
• The Diving Bell and the Butterfly - Ronald Harwood
  
• No Country for Old Men - Joel and Ethan Coen
  
• There Will Be Blood - Paul Thomas Anderson

NCFOM again. From what I understand it's a faithful reproduction of the book and a hell of a good movie. I wouldn't be surprised to see The Diving Bell and the Butterfly win here, but it's four-to-one. (so's There Will Be Blood, NCFOM is two-to-one, and the other to movies split the remaining odds (eight to one each))

(I could probably be a bookie -- I understand fractions. [edit] I understand fractions, but I may not really know how they apply to odds. Maybe I couldn't be a bookie. Or, maybe I could, but my odds would be fair and I'd never make any money)

Some closing thoughts:

Best Animated Movie is a stupid category. If your animated movie isn't good enough to get nominated for a real category (Disney's Beauty and the Beast 1991 Best Song, Best Original Score Winner, Best Picture nominee) you should just be happy for the millions of parents who'll be forking over $25 a pop for the DVD to shut up their whiny spoiled brats instead of plying the Academy with yacht rides and solid gold chocolate bars so they'd invent a category that can only support two thirds of a movie every year.

Disney might get another Original Song, since three-fifths of the nominees in that category are Enchanted.

And I'd handicap the technical categories for you too, because I'm normally right on the money with those, but it's thirty degrees in here, and my fingers are cold.

Oh, and just so you know, of the nominated movies discussed above, I've only seen Juno and I'm Not There. I liked them both. (I really liked Juno).

-t

Party Time - Excellent!

how hilarious would it be if wayne and garth had a blog?

"Blog on Wayne"
"Blog on Garth"
"Excellent!"


Requesting submissions for other likely entries?


-t

(I was re-reading some of my old material (formerly funny) and came across the above comment post script which is too hilarious not to get its own post)

(And we def. would have invited them to MILONYE)

At Capacity (Blogging Drunk)

Reading: "Just thought you should know. It's cold in Boston, so I have my parent's apartment's basement fire on. That's a lie but I'm 4 beers in, so it could be coming soon. BTW I think 4 beers is my optimum blogging capacity."

Optimal Blogging Capacity should be right up there with Blood Alcohol Level as a standard measure of inebriation.

What's your OBC?

-t

Cyborgs, A Life-long Love Affair -or- Probably Where I Get It From

So, do you remember that show, it was a family, they had super powers? And an RV that turned into a couple of motorcycles and a little ATV?

They were cybernetic, or something, each of the kids had a unique power (strength, speed, etc), and the mom had psychic powers or something, and there was always a shot of the teens chilling in the family room, and it was a mess, and then the Dad would shake a finger at them for being slobs, and then in a whirlwind the place would be spic and span!

Well, ladies and gentlemen, the Internet is a wonderful tool.

It's called The Bionic Six




They were cyborgs (tragically injured when a ski vacation went horribly, horribly wrong, revived, fixed, improved by a benevolent scientist). The fight a small army of bionic villains led (predictably) by the benevolent scientist's evil brother, "Scarab."

Don't miss the African-American kid (super strength and super intelligence) codename "IQ," and the Asian-American (bionic karate-master), codename "Karate-1."

They've even got a fan revival page (here).


Is it any wonder I'm preoccupied with bionics and world domination? Silver Hawks, C.O.P.S. - the list goes on, plus Pinky and the Brain.










Remember, commenters will be reserved a special place in my new world order.

-t

"By the way...job!"

Stick with me on this one, there's a morale.

After the Christmas holiday the stock market takes some time off, shuts down, slows trading.

Unfortunately, I don't get the same time off, but at least there are a couple of slow days that give a leg up on recuperating from the holiday hangover, and, of course, fixing any outstanding issues on the funds.

For you non-finance types: This isn't new. The holiday slow-down is an expected part winter. If you work in finance, the days after Christmas are as good as vacation days; you take it easy, fix some things, take your time.

Which brings me to the email we received from my block-hammer-head manager Dec. 26th:

Subject: Trade activities

Hi All,

Hope every one had a happy holiday. Looks like a very light day today. Let's use this time to clear custody, position and pricing breaks. Please book all your trades then work on breaks.

Thanks,

It's a slow day? Book trades, work on breaks? No kidding. Why not just send an email that says "Hey, friendly reminder, please do those things that you're supposed to do every day." or "Hey, by the way, you should keep doing those things you do, and that we pay you to do, normally."

Or, send these emails the two following days:

Subject: Trade activities

Hi All,

Today is another slow day for us. Please have all your trades booked as early as possible so we can work on breaks. We have a lot of cleaning up to do. If you don't know what needs to be done, please let me or Scott know.

Thanks,


Subject: Re: Trade activities

Hi All,

Today looks to be another slow day for us ( with we can really us to clean up our breaks and other outstanding items ). Let get all of our trades booked in the next hour. Currently a total of 60 trades has been booked. Again, please let me or Scott know if you are not sure on what to work on.

Thanks,

I tend to get a little upset at this type of email. We, the employed, should not need reminders to do what we're being employed to do; and if we do need reminders, or prompting, then clearly management is doing a poor job training/motivating/instructing and should, at the very least, identify specific problem elements (procedures, people, outside distractions (hello, internet)) and take directed action to fix the problem.

But, in the guise of a friendly email, which could probably be reduced to

"Job!"

this motivational tactic certainly doesn't spur me to increased productivity, but does, in fact, the opposite, promptin zero productivity while I stew and post to my blog.

Hilarious, right? Getting an email from your boss that says job, exclamation point. A real side-splitter.

Though, after a week away, it might be nice to get an email from a guy on another team like this:

Subject:Hurry up and come back!!!!!

You can never go on vacation again! God, that was the absolute most painful week of my life!

-Chris

I guess it's nice to be appreciated.

Eight!

Mafia with twenty-three people is awesome. Drawing the joker in a round of Mafia with twenty-three people is awesome. Being paired up with Justin and Justin for the first round of Mafia with twenty-three people is awesome.

Because the Mafia totally won.

Which is a nice little allegory for the MILONYE festivities. My team basically won at everything.

Like when I shot the moon in hearts with a score of 96 and then broke 100 the next hand.

Like when I won the first game of Connect Four against Dan and then none for the rest of the weekend.

Like when Jackie and I got smoked at spades by a (cheating) John and Samantha.

Like when no one at the bar had to pay for liquor. (Seventeen shots for six bucks, total. Three pitchers for sixteen bucks, total.)

And Donny got way drunk. It was great.

I'm having some trouble getting pictures uploaded to flickr for no understandable reason. But some are online.

Last Minute Xmas Shopping For Blog Readers

From Matthew Baldwin's
Holiday Last-Minute Survival Guide for Slackers:

Hey, here’s a thought. Why not buy pretty much anything sold at dealextreme.com? JFC, I don’t even know where to begin. The Braised Pork Cell Phone Charm? The Professional Laser Guided Precision Scissors? The Stainless Lighter With 4GB USB Disk? The LED Light Illuminated Ear Pick? The Hamburger 12 CD Flannel Storage Bag? The Shock-Your-Friend Electrified Dummy Digital Camera? The Digital Buddhist Jukebox in Tibetan (5 Songs)? The TDR USA 16-inch Crossbow? The Whatever-the-Hell That Promotes Bowel Movement for Pets?

I’m pretty sure this web site is based in some alternate dimension where Lincoln used kung fu to disarm his assassin and now everything is AWESOME.

I concur.

-t

Screwed on Christmas

A few weeks ago I started checking my vacation calendar. How many days I'd used, how many I had left that wouldn't roll over to the new calendar year, which days in the upcoming weeks I could burn.

As I was about to request some time off (specifically, the last few Fridays of the year) we got an email stating someone else in the group had beat me to it.

He was flying to Cleveland last Friday, so he put in for the time, got it, and then thought "why not try forthe remaining Fridays" and did, and got them (12/14, 12/21, 12/28)

I don't begrudge him the time off, it's unfortunate for me that he got there first.

So, I did the next best thing, I requested the remaining Mondays off. I doubled checked. I realized that Monday is Christmas Eve and some people may have already requested it. I checked the calendar for approved requests, and I checked the calendar for pending requests. Nothing. It looked open. Sweet.

So I got last Monday (12/17) and slept most of the day, and asked for next Monday (12/24), Christmas Eve, and was denied.

Denied! I couldn't believe it! Here's this new kid in the group who gets three Fridays in a row off, and I can't get two Mondays?

I asked my manager about it. "Sorry, too many people have the day off." I told him I'd checked the calendar, and no one had the day off. Turns out, he took Christmas Eve for himself. He is "too many people." You know what? Fine. If I were managing a group you can bet I'd give myself the pick of the vacation calendar. Screw the working man, managment is taking it easy. Fine. No vacation for the underlings.

So, imagine my surprise this morning when I received an email from my manager:

"Please cover the new kid's funds today and Monday, since he will be on vacation both days."

What the hell?!

I requested Monday off when last week and was denied! When did this kid sneak in his request, and why did you approve his request and not mine?!

And now I've got to cover his work? While he's on vacation? On Christmas Eve?

What the hell.

Overheard

My girlfriend spent last weekend with me at my apartment. We went out and got wasted Friday night at a bar downtown, then came home went to bed, and crashed.

So, the next morning, when I wake up she's already in the living room watching television, so I go right over to the kitchen and start cooking some eggs for breakfast. She turns around and puts her finger to her lips "shh" mouths "Mike" and points at the couch. So I lean over, and there's my old roommate passed out on the couch in his boxers.

I guess he couldn't make it back to his apartment so he used his old key and let himself into my place. And, you know, no big deal, right? We hadn't heard him come in last night, and better he crash here than try and drive home.

Anyway, I start to cook breakfast and she's watching tv, and then Mike wakes up, pokes his head over back of the couch, looks right at me over the stove, and - it's not Mike.

-What?

It's not Mike. It's some guy I've never seen before. He's looking right at me, completely confused, a little unnerved, and, eyes wide, he says "Where...the hell...am I?"

And Amy's sitting right there next to him on the couch and she's like "Who the hell are you!?"

Turns out it's some guy that's in town staying with my next door neighbors. He'd been out drinking late, and come in to my apartment instead of theirs - I guess Amy didn't shut the door completely behind her when we came in the night before, and he'd just come in, stripped down, and passed out on the couch.

-Whoa. Really?

Yeah, so I made him some eggs and he left.

Allegedly, the list of players named in the Mitchell Report on Steroid/HGH in MLB

I don't have any problem publishing this list. It was forwarded to me, through email, by a guy "who knows a guy, who knows a guy" in MLB. Or something.

Probably not a big deal, as I doubt I'm going to get significant traffic between the time I post this and the release of the actual report by Senator George Mitchell.

I forwarded it to Samantha and to my dad, because I figured they'd be interested.

Anyway, here's the list:

"Brady Anderson, Manny Alexander, Rick Ankiel, Jeff Bagwell, Barry Bonds, Aaron Boone, Rafaeil Bettancourt, Bret Boone, Milton Bradley, David Bell, Dante Bichette, Albert Belle, Paul Byrd, Wil Cordero, Ken Caminiti, Mike Cameron, Ramon Castro, Jose and Ozzie Canseco, Roger Clemens, Paxton Crawford, Wilson Delgado, Lenny Dykstra, Johnny Damon, Carl Everett, Kyle Farnsoworth, Ryan Franklin, Troy Glaus, Rich Garces, Jason Grimsley, Troy Glaus, Juan Gonzalez, Eric Gagne, Nomar Garciaparra, Jason Giambi, Jeremy Giambi,

Jose Guillen, Jay Gibbons, Juan Gonzalez, Clay Hensley, Jerry Hairston, Felix Heredia, Jr., Darren Holmes, Wally Joyner, Darryl Kile, Matt Lawton, Raul Mondesi, Mark McGwire, Guillermo Mota, Robert Machado, Damian Moss, Abraham Nunez, Trot Nixon, Jose Offerman, Andy Pettitte, Mark Prior, Neifi Perez, Rafael Palmiero, Albert Pujols, Brian Roberts, Juan Rincon, John Rocker

Pudge Rodriguez, Sammy Sosa, Scott Schoenweiis, David Segui, Alex Sanchez, Gary Sheffield, Miguel Tejada, Julian Tavarez,Fernando Tatis, Maurice Vaughn, IJason Varitek, Ismael Valdez, Matt Williams and Kerry Wood."

And for you confused readers, here is Samantha's response:

"I don't understand. what is it? some alphabetical list of baseball players?"


Turns out, an alphabetical list of players is exactly what my dad suggested:

"NO ASTERISKS NEEDED, EVERYONE WAS ON THE JUICE!"

-t

Good Writing.

Hey. All you college graduates.

You tried too hard.

Great effort, really, but as it turns out, you only needed to complete high school to read this blog.



But really, thanks for overshooting. Good optimism.

-t

test your own blog!

gAIMing

Hey! Gmail users! Google is finally going to start talking to AIM! No more only chatting with the four other people you know on googlechat, you can sign into AIM from gmail and get your whole buddy list!

I feel like I'm in an AT&T commercial from the eighties. Reach out and touch someone.

Well, I would if I could access gmail at work.

-t

Update: Call to arms and Keyboards

I'm updating a post from last year, because it's still important! (updates in red)


Folks, I need your help.

In 1990 TNT produced a made-for-tv movie of Robert Louis Stevenson's Treasure Island. It is the greatest adaptation ever. Ever.*

Plus! It stars Christian Bale as Jim Hawkins (and you know how good he is) and Charlton Heston as Long John Silver, and folks, I am not kidding you when I say that this was the role he was meant to play.

Better than Moses, better than Ben Hur, better than NRA president. Charlton Heston is Long John Silver, Long John Silver is Charlton Heston, Heston Silver John is Long Charles. - you get what I'm saying?

All of the performances floored me, this is the production I think of whenever anyone mentions the story. It is absolutely unthinkable that this movie has not been released on dvd.So, I need your help. Go here. Click on the "vote" button on the right-hand sidebar. They ask for an email, but there's no confirmation, so if you're not busy, vote lots of times with made up email addresses!

It's up to #3 in the rankings! We can push that over the top! #1! #1!

Let's make this happen people!

-t


* the notable exception being Muppet Treasure Island. I maintain the TNT version "best ever," but readily concede that the Muppet version is undoubtedly the best adaptation with music, the best adaptation not starring Charlton Heston and Christian Bale, and the best adaptation with Muppets. (jump back)

WNFL: Worldwide Neo-Football Leage

Sarcos has developed a motorized, computerized, human-sized, exoskeleton. Check out the video it's amazing.

http://gizmodo.com/gadgets/humanoids/sarcoss-exoskeleton-is-more-amazing-than-we-thought-326128.php

Now, I know what you're thinking: "Tom is going to incorporate this super-powerful piece of equipment into his plan to take over the world by strapping a rocket pack on it and arming it with taser-shooting shotguns."

Well, you're half wrong.

I will certainly incorporate this exoskeleton technology into my world takeover bid, but I won't be using them militarily, as we've all seen how bad things can get when space travel, genetic manipulation, cloning, species subjugation, and exoskeletons mix.

No, my plan is athletics, and economics.

If you've watched the video above, or finished reading this sentence, you'll know that the exoskeleton amplifies strength without sacrificing agility. They demonstrate the e-frame's benefits by loading ammo cannisters, but I say, imagine Tom Brady strength magnified 200%. Exo-Brady could throw a football 300 yards!

Clearly, with this mechanical upgrade our modern-day football stadiums will be too small to hold the enormous mechano-athletic potential of these future. Therefore, we will need to construct venues that are significantly larger to house the playing field, and this will provide, in turn, vastly greater seating capacity, providing vastly greater profit.

So, by harneessing the economic impact of F-frames (football frames), I will beecome the richest man in the world, and from my mountain of wealth proceed with the world takeover.

I've already got my order in for the first eighteen frames.

-t

Paper: In The Year 2000!

Amazon has released their brand-spankin'-new e-book reader, the Kindle. And it's dumb.

First, I applaud the name. "Kindle" is a great, rarely-used, related-to-interest word that has loads going for it (two syllables, begins with 'K').

I applaud the e-ink technology. Some really great stuff is being developed: low-power, high contrast, thin & lightweight devices.

I don't applaud the design. White is ugly, the keyboard layout is ugly, and the thing looks like an airfoil from a Rebel Snowspeeder.



It also costs $400, plus the cost of (non-transferable) e-books, plus the cost of subscribing to blog RSS feeds (that's right, the ones you get for free online!).

But, far and away, it is another mile marker on the way to a paperless world. (Not truly paperless, of course, there will always be important uses for paper, like origami.)

I'd originally conceived this post as an outline for a future writing career, making money by observing on the state of things and commentary on the way they used to be. Column headlines would run something like "Remember Paper?" and discuss the advent of e-book readers and their ilk.

I'll be sure to archive this post so me, a future columnist, can look back and harvest my early impressions as filler.

I'm also hopeful that in my future as a curmudgenly columnist I have an editor to cut things like the preceding paragraph.

Not literally cut, of course, because we'll be publishing on plastic screens loaded with a low wattage electric charge in shapes that look like letters.

Or, you know, beaming features directly into your brain.

-t

Left Brain

I used to be smart. Well, I used to appear smart, anyway. I'd go out of my way to stand up straight, enunciate, and ditch the Boston accent. This was around middle school (when I noticed my smart friends sounded retahded when they talked).

And for a while (high school and most of college) people bought it.

Then I graduated, and got lazy. Talk to me now, you'll hear me mumble, in a Boston accent, and surround every pause in my speech with "and...uh's."

Which is too bad. I also suspect my writing has suffered.

The culprit is, as always, my job. Demanding eight straight hours of focused attention doesn't leave room for me to worry (and correct) my own shortcomings. Focusing on numbers doesn't even light up the same side of the brain I want to improve! I'm not even gleaning ancillary benefits from this numbers job. (Only the non-ancillary kind: health insurance, retirement plan, income).

-t

recommended download (that's right! it's back!):
Journey, Wheel In The Sky