Past Glories

I'm pretty sure there's a whole section of my brain devoted solely to being awesome on IM.

Consider the evidence.

I'm also convinced this part of my brain shuts down when I'm not IMing. I believe an entire quarter of my cranium has been dark since March of 2008.

*UPDATE* -- Ok, ok, ignore the above link and just jump to this comment thread, which is a better summary than I could give.

-t

---

How To Find Awesome Pictures Of Things

I was browsing my RSS feeds, as I usually do when I get to work, and began to read this article on the isb.

Which led me here: ...

Ok, I closed the window I though had led me places, but, turns out, nothing linked to where I thought it did. It could have started anywhere along the line.

Click around online and you're bound to find an awesome picture of something. Case in point:


-t

---

Reason No.? (I've Lost Count)

Another item for the "Reasons To Hate My Job" list:

(?) Email like this:

---

To: Tom, our hero
From: Another Stupid Coworker

Is there any updates regarding the below?

---

A bachelor's degree is a prerequisite for having this jobs. Subject/verb agreement are not one.

GAH.

-t

---

Big Brother Update

Gmail was blocked, ages ago - and along with it, gchat - but, with google widgety things on the google homepage I could, at least, still view my inbox (the 10 most recent emails received, which is better than nothing).

Then, they blocked twitter.

Today, however, when I signed into my personalized google homepage (with Batman theme!) the gmail widget was blocked! Unbelievable.

I can't even read the subject line of the first ten emails in my inbox anymore!

And when I mentioned it to a coworker they informed me that youtube is also blocked! And not the homepage, either. Get this: You can access youtube.com and you can type a query into the search bar, and search, and view search results, but, if you click on a video to watch any of your results, BAM! BLOCKED!

due to

not kidding

"violence"

Which, maaaaybe makes sense for the NFL video the coworker was trying to watch (not really, it was Michael Vick's press conference, but it could be all NFL=violence)

it does NOT make sense for the next video he tried to pull up: THESE ADORABLE KITTENS!

which I can't embed because the access through youtube is blocked.

Google video is still available, which is why I can post this


[brief aside: Every one of the crazy protestors should have been handled in this same way. Testament to the first amendment, indeed!]



In conclusion: I fear it is only a matter of time before igoogle itself is blocked, and then, most worryingly, google reader. And after that? Who knows.

Which sucks, because this is not the economic climate I want to be in while looking for a new job.

-t

---

Life; Now Up-To-Date

I am married. I am no longer available. I am officially off the market. (I have been unofficially off the market for quite some time, actually, but now it's legal, witnessed, real, etc).

I (we) also bought a house. At some point there will be a housewarming (probably). With grilling, of vegetables (and also meat! burgers! steak tips! chicken! etc!)

So that's (1) husband (2) homeowner

And (3) the baby should be delivered either Thursday or Friday (free two-day shiping with Amazon Prime!)

-t

PS - I am still hilarious.

Ghost Outs (Not Scary)

Last night our opponents tried to issue a two-out intentional walk to the spot in our lineup before a ghost out. (ghost out: when playing with less than three female players the team will be charged an out after the last batter in the line-up in place of the missing player)

This is a bush league thing to try.

Turns out, though, strategic as it may be, it's against the rules of the league (no walk shall be issued to the batter prior to a ghost out) which we didn't know, so after the first pitch went 20 feet over his head, our guy actually jumped across the plate to hit the next pitch which was four feet outside. (grounder to third for the last out)
(Which ended the inning and meant the next inning started with the ghost out.)

But, turns out, when they tried intentionally walking him, they knew the rule about no intentional walks, and were banking on us not knowing it.

Which we didn't

Which prompted our guy to swing at an unhittable pitch

Double bush league. Bush and deceitful. These guys are assholes.

Also, the umpire didn't explain the rule until after the at bat. That I don't understand at all.

Anyway. After the intentional ghost out walk situation played out we were going into the bottom of the last inning down one run.

Ground out
Single
Fly out, no advance
Walk
Single - scored runner from second, runner from first went to third on the throw to the plate, batter took second on throw to the plate
Tie game!
Next batter, walk-off ground-rule double

We win! Suck it bush leaguers!

Woo!

Also, I was informed today that I had enough ABs to qualify for the batting title.

Which I won. I also led the team in OBP. This marks a significant improvement from my first season (and a significant improvement from my broken collarbone)

And now, depending on the outcome of another game, we may have qualified for the playoffs.

-t

---

Red Team!

Lost the first of three make-up games on a walk-off single in the bottom of the seventh inning. It was a tough game to lose, and we need to win the next two by large margins in order to make the playoffs.

My line so far this season is a .750 average in 9 Plate Appearances (one double, one walk, for a 1.653 OPS)

Lately I've been making good solid contact, I plan on doing the same for however many games we have left.

-t

---

Ageism

Last Friday was my birthday. I am 27 years old.

I was not served beer last night at the sushi restaurant, because when they carded me, because I ALWAYS get carded, the waitress noticed that my license had expired.

Actually, it had expired two days previous, on my birthday.

Invalid ID? No drinks for you!

Now, I ask you, what, exactly, is the problem with an ID that two days ago proved I was 27? Hmm?

Now that the license has expired I've magically reverse-aged seven years? Who am I, Brad Pitt? (That question is only semi-rhetorical, because I really am mistaken for Brad Pitt almost twice a week.)


To her credit the waitress did feel awfully bad about the policy and comped the table some iced green tea, which was very nice.

On the other hand, the bartender at the Mircale of Science did serve me beer after looking at my ID and saying "Looks like this just expired." Which is exactly how you're supposed to react.


Because an expired license isn't a magical fountain of youth. That's just not how time travel works.

-t

More Than A Mortgage

House buying is going well. We are mere days away from closing, and giving away a significantly smaller percentage of my money than I thought would be necessary (100% of all my money).

Tonight we're going over to make some final measurements and to make sure that my ping pong table and couch will fit through the basement door. (Sam has still not come around to the idea of a ping pong table in the dining room)

Once we close the fixing up can begin! Upcoming changes:
(1) cut grass, trim hedges, tend garden
(2) replace the electrical service/circuit breaker
(3) rewire the kitchen
(4) buy this
(5) play this, this, and this:


And play as loud as we like.


-t

---

Walk Before you Run (Away From Angry Bat-Wielding Opponents)

Last Tuesday I got the ok for sporting activities from my orthopedist. The collarbone has healed a full 100%.

Luckily, I received the news in time to play in that night's softball game, and would have, but didn't, because it was rained out. (You remember the rain, right? The thirty-three weeks of rain? I blame global warming)

So I had a week to prepare for the next game on the schedule and spent it rebuilding the atrophied muscle tissue and reflexes by playing wiffleball.

The rehad program worked out pretty well. I was two-for-two in last night's game, hitting a single and a double. As I slid, hard, into second base on that double, I was planning on a triple and a home run in my next two at bats to complete the cylce - but didn't get a chance to have two more at bats.

I know, I know, it was going hard into second base that got me the broken collarbone in the first place six (seven?) weeks ago. You're all rolling your eyes at the computer screen now, "Tom, you moron, you broke your other collarbone (or ankle, wrist, etc)?"

Well, no, I wasn't hurt sliding into second base. The game ended prematurely by the slaughter rule. We lost.

We lost because the other team was populated by tools. No one on their team swung the bat. Every single "hitter" went up to the plate looking for a walk. And the umpire was happy to give it to them.

In a typical softball game, when you step up to the plate, you SWING THE BAT and, in a typical softball game, if you're not swinging, the umpire will drastically expand the strike zone to entice you to start swinging.

This umpire did not do that. Which suited this D-league, Co-ed Softball team just fine. Billy Beane would have been proud. Except he wouldn't, because IT'S SOFTBALL! HIT THE GD PITCH, ALREADY.

These guys would take five and six straight pitches. They would only swing with two called strikes on them, prefectly happy to take a walk. It was shameful.

Also, because this is D-league Co-ed softball there are stupid girl rules, in particular this one:

"10.1 The league will adhere to the ASA rule regarding walking a male batter when a female batter is on deck. When a male batter is walked with a female batter on deck, the male batter will be awarded second base." List of stupid Rules

I'd like to scan in the scorecard from the game so you could see exactly how many walks were issued, but I won't, because it will upset me.

I will point out that twice, TWICE, during the game their clean-up hitter, CLEAN-UP HITTER chose to walk because he was followed by a female in the batting order.

THEIR FOUR HITTER WILLINGLY TOOK A TWO-BASE WALK TWICE.

And this is after their team was up by 8 or nine runs. SWING THE FREAKING BAT!

Our entire team was beside themselves. Outfielders were falling asleep. The shortened, five-inning game featured 9 walks.

NINE!

Our team, in an entire season last year, received two (2) walks. Both intentional, both because the opposing team chose not to pitch to our slugger with first base open.

Also, it would have been three intentional walks on the season, except once our guy Mike chose to swing at one of the intentional balls, and he hit it for a double. WHICH IS HOW YOUR ARE SUPPOSED TO PLAY SOFTBALL.

I drew up some new rules for the league. I am emailing them to the league president. I do not expect a reply.

Proposal of Boston West Co-ed rule changes, regarding walks:
(1) Base on Balls will be abolished
(2) Only Intentional Base on Balls will be allowed. The pitcher's intent to walk the batter must be announced by the pitcher and acknowledged by the umpire before the first pitch of the at-bat is thrown. A maximum of ONE Intentional Base on Balls will be allowed per team, per game.
(3) Any player issued an Intentional Base on Balls, if he or she is batting before a female player, shall be awarded two bases (as the current BB rule is written)
(4) A strike will be called on any batter who takes three consecutive pitches (except for an IBB)
(5) The batting team may request a new pitcher if the current pitcher throws more than 10 consecutive pitches that are outside the called strike zone.

Also up for consideration:
-Heckling an umpire who refuses to expand the strike zone after a team has demonstrated a willingness to reach base via walk will be encouraged.
-There will be no penalty for a pitcher who plunks any batter who refuses to swing the bat.
-Any batter who is too picky will be called out after six pitches (called balls or strikes)...unless there are two outs.

Any other changes you'd can think of?

-t

---

Alexander Graham Bell Deserves A Punch In The Nose

I get twenty to thirty phone calls a day, our phone system tracks all incoming and (most) outgoing calls.

There's a little "Call Log" button on my phone that will bring up either the Incoming or Outgoing list, which makes returning a missed call easy, no memorizing extensions, or laboriously typing names into the phone's directory via number pad

--Outgoing Call Log side rant: Any outside number or internal extension dialed from the number pad is recorded in the outgoing call log. Calling your bookie? Number's saved in the phone. Calling the team leader for help? Saved in the phone. BUT the numbers dialed from the directory service are NOT saved. It goes something like this:

"I need to call Leroy Jenkins, but I don't know his extension. I will look it up."

Press [Directory], Press [5][3][6][5][4][6][7], Select "Jenkins," Select "Call." Talk to Leroy, hang up.

Then, remember one more thing you need to ask Leroy, hit [Call Log][Outgoing] and then stare dumbly as you realize his number is not on the outgoing log.

This might be a handy feature if you're a spy and you're trying to hide people you're talking to. If you place every call through the directory your Outgoing Call Log will be entirely blank!

This is NOT handy when you need to call Leroy back for a quick check on a trade detail and you have to type his ENTIRE NAME into the directory, AGAIN. End rant.--

So, of the thirty or so calls made and received every day invariably when I check my Incoming Call Log, invariably, the most recent call is from Buddy.

Buddy who seems incapable of executing any decision on his own, ever.

I get three phone calls from Buddy for every one call from someone who is not Buddy. My incoming call list looks like this:

BUDDY
BUDDY
BUDDY
SAM
BUDDY
BUDDY
CARL
BUDDY
BUDDY
BUDDY
SAM
BUDDY
BUDDY
TIM
BUDDY
TIM
BUDDY

[Ring] "Hey, I was just going to book that trade you told me to book...is that ok?"

[Ring Ring] "I just sent you an email"

[Ring] "The pricing team asked me to forward them an email...should I go ahead and do that?"

I am not exaggerating. These are conversations that actually happen.

Once-in-a-while he'll walk over to my desk, rather than use the phone, but only for really important matters, like

"Pricing team just called. They said that they were going to email me a possible cash break and that I should ask the cash team to take a look at it...Ok?"

OK!? I know that I sometimes show a lack of initiative, but Buddy is achieving new lows in don'-t-it-yourself-ism.

Yes, you can send a cash break to the cash team! You have my permission! To do your job! Gah!

-t

---

On Improving The Allstar Game

Some quick thoughts on changes to the MLB Mid-Summer Classic

• Belly-Itchers - I've mentioned this here before: Don't let All-Star pitchers pitch, it's boring. Sure, Halladay striking out five of six batters is a demonstration of talent, filthiness, or further proof that he is the dominant right-hander of his generation, but, as Glavine and Maddux put it, "Chicks dig the long ball"
  
  So, instead of Greinke, Halladay, Santana, Marquis, etc, the game should be thrown by middle-of-the-road relievers: the Farnesworths, the Julian Tavarezes, and back-of-the-rotation starters: Wang, Matsuzaka, Willis.
  
  Poorer pitching means more hitting which also means more defense, and who doesn't like defense? Instead of one or two good looking double plays, we'll get dozens of sprinting dives, bare-handed grabs, near-collisions, and daring stabs at liners in the hole.



• School-yard Pick-em - Plunk Everyone has the run down on this. Basically, fans vote, as they do now, but the leading vote-getter from each league becomes the captain of their squad and picks from the rest of the all stars, from both leagues. There should be a special award for the all-star picked last.



• Home Run Catching Contest - This might need to be moved off-venue, but I would love to see a 600-foot outfield fence for the Home Run Derby patrolled by All Star outfielders. Any hitter that gets it past the 410 mark gets credit for a home run, but, if Ellsbury or Ichiro or Hunter can track it down and catch it, they win $500 (or something, incentivize it anyway you want, I'd just love to see these guys be awesome when they don't have to worry about running into a fence at full-tilt.



• Wiffle-Ball! - Make the AL and NL pitching staffs play each other in a wiffleball game before the HR derby. This is brilliant. They can use the short fence from the celebrity softball game. Imagine seeing major leaguers make a wiffleball dance? Alternately, if you're worried throwing a 3 oz. plastic ball will screw up their mechanics, they won't pitch, just hit and field. We'll have a couple position players pitch. Swisher, Kapler, Lowell. In fact, if a position player has been called in to pitch at any point in the first half, they get an automatic pass to the All-Star Pitchers' Wiffleball game.

Other ideas? Make them hit with old school bats that weigh forty pounds like Ruth and Mantle did? Pull a fan randomly from the seats to manage the bullpen or draw up the batting order? Play with tennis balls and plastic bats? Everyone plays the game with their glove on the wrong hand! Others?
-t

---

Good Times MP Pick Me Up

Marcy Playground has just released a new album. It is my duty, as an unapologetic fan, to make you aware of this new album, encourage you to buy it, and provide this embeded youtube clip of a live performance of one of my favorite songs from the CD:



check the rest at wozmusic or marcyplayground.com

This is all I'm going to be doing today. Meetings be damned.

-t

---

A Short List

Things I'm thinking about putting in my new house

• Professional Grade Ping Pong Table -
  This table will be kept in the secure, concrete-lined basement, as required by law
  [see Utah State Nuclear Waste Disposal Survey addendum (j)ping pong related containment recommendations], in order to conatain the ping-pong-awesomeness.
  



• Bookshelf Stairs -
  Form + Function = Fantastic Staircase in this shelf-turned-ascender, or one like it, that I'll custom build to hold literary treasures
  



• Secret Passage -
  Of course, to hold treasures of the literal,not literary, variety, I'll need a secure, secret space, so I'll be building some type of secret passage or hidden room.
  



• Musical Instrument - And, I'll need some way to trip the hidden mechanism to allow access to the secret lair, and why not use what Batman uses: A dissonant piano chord! I may ditch the grand piano for something a little different, though...
  
  



• Aaaand...something for the lawn...-
  
  

-t

---

My Enemies Will Call Them Feathered Furies

Ok, I've found a new helmet for my jet-pack minions. Future minions, are you paying attention? You may qualify (after an arduous and terrifying examination of both your physical and mental toughness) to be a jet-pack trooper (which means you get A JET-PACK) and this badass mask:


Same designer as the old mask/helmet, but way more awesome and theatrical.

Also, I will probably equip a few of my whiny lackeys with jet-packs for coffee runs and small errands for this same reason:

-t

PS -My enemies probably won't call them "feathered furies" cool though that might sound...they probably won't call them anything because they'll be too busy screaming in terror.

---

Big News!

My collarbone is mostly healed. (roughly 67% now).

Still no sporting activities, until it's completely healed, but then, it's like you'll never know it was broken, except for the giant hideous lump.

Oh, also, I'd like to apologize for disappointing the residents of Tempe, Arizona, I will not being moving out to your desert community anytime soon, as our realtor just called to inform us that the sellers have agreed to our offer on a house here in the great Northeast.

But don't despair overmuch, Tempe, you're still in the top three retirement cities. Thirty-years isn't too long to wait.

-t

---

Two-weeks Healed

Mini blog update: I'm still in the sling, and typing is still a chore, but, hopefully, it will come off tomorrow. Then I can go back to not-posting with two hands.

-t

This 11 points blog is a great read. Frying turkeys, movies reviews, fun facts, you name it...and quotes like this:

Once you open someone's eyes to a food orgy, they can never un-see it...

-t

---

Softball & Injury Update

Sorry for the delay, I've been typing since Wednesday morning, left-handed, because my right arm is out of commission.

The game started off strong. we were smoking the other team (who couldn't hit at all) and I'd made a few good stops in the field (and one put out on a kid going second to third which turned a routine 6-3 ground ball into a 6-3-5 DP. Bad base running).

Anyway in my first at bat I tried stretching a single into a double after a bobble in the outfield, git beat to the bag by the throw (a good three feet), and tried jumping over the tag, which, if it had worked would have put me in short center field, where I would have been out anyway, but I never made it, because their shortstop, an ogre of a kid swung the tag around at hip-height, taking out both my legs, up-ending me in the process, and sending me, shoulder-first, into the hard-as-concrete-painted-like-dirt infield.

I lost my glasses, and couldn't move my right arm. Took one pitch the next inning at first base (soft liner, right to me), then walked off the field, unable to throw, or hold a bat, or even lift my right arm.

I drove myself back, fearing a dislocated shoulder (not the injury as much as the repair), and went to the hospital.

x-rays revealed a distal clavicular fracture. No sports activities for 4-6 weeks. arm in a sling for at least two.

Hence, the left-handed typing.

-t

---

Not A Superfan

I didn't know this bit of Star Wars trivia.

Apparently, today is Star Wars day. Which, fine, ok, whatever.

BUT

Do you know why TODAY is Star Wars day?

Because it's 5/4 and people can say "MAY the FOURTH be with you"

which is probably the worst thing I have ever heard....ever.

-t

---