A quick back of the napkin calculation (arrived after researching Half & Half varieties, and seeing the Jesus Shuttlesworth variant)
Ray Allen trails Reggie Miller by just over 260 three-pointers for the all time NBA record.
Ray Allen nets almost 40% of the threes he takes (career 0.398).
Which means, to make 260 three-pointers he needs to attempt 650.
Ray Allen averages 6.1 3-pt attempts per game, which means
He'll need to play 108 more games to break Reggie Miller's all time three-point scoring record.
(assuming, of course 3PA, 3P%, etc remain the same).
Allen has averaged 62 games per season over his career, though three seasons were shortened significantly by injury. I expect 70-75 games is closer to normal, and with that assumption, Ray needs to play one and one-half seasons to hold the record free and clear.
Which is half a season longer than his contract with the Celtics. Here's hoping he can stick around.
-t
(stats from basketball-reference
Friday, May 01, 2009
Thursday, April 30, 2009
The Red Team
First softball game of the season has come and gone. Good news: we won!
We took the lead in the top of the first inning and held it the entire game, winning by a final score of 19-11.
Your author flied out to right field in the first at bat (not knowing his own strenghth, he was just trying to pop one over the first baseman, and instead hit it 200 feet right at their right fielder), then, determined to get on base in the second plate appearance waited for a really good pitch to hit, didn't get one, and walked on five pitches. In the last at bat with runners on first and second he grounded into a fielder's choice (5U, safe at first).
In the field, though, the spectacular defensive prowess was unchanged, save for a fast groundball between first and second that your author didn't even make an attempt at catching.
But, three good picks for force outs saved a few runs over the course of the game.
AVG: 0.000
OBP: 0.333
SLG: 0.000
OPS: 0.333
Hopefully I'll get my average up to...positive numbers, soon.
-t
We took the lead in the top of the first inning and held it the entire game, winning by a final score of 19-11.
Your author flied out to right field in the first at bat (not knowing his own strenghth, he was just trying to pop one over the first baseman, and instead hit it 200 feet right at their right fielder), then, determined to get on base in the second plate appearance waited for a really good pitch to hit, didn't get one, and walked on five pitches. In the last at bat with runners on first and second he grounded into a fielder's choice (5U, safe at first).
In the field, though, the spectacular defensive prowess was unchanged, save for a fast groundball between first and second that your author didn't even make an attempt at catching.
But, three good picks for force outs saved a few runs over the course of the game.
AVG: 0.000
OBP: 0.333
SLG: 0.000
OPS: 0.333
Hopefully I'll get my average up to...positive numbers, soon.
-t
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Watching
I've received numerous (one) complaints regarding the previous post.
Calling the post lazy, boring, tedious, un-original, and slap-dash I have been instructed by multiple readers (two) to post something else "for the love of all that is holy I can't take that accordian anymore!")
So, to honor their request to knock the youtube accordian post off the top of the page, I'm replacing it with the following youtube videos which are, by turns, awesome, hilarious, enlightening, trivial, and watchable.
First up, for the history buffs! Winston Churchill's Great Declaration speech (re-mixed, what!?)
Next! More history! Martin Luther King Jr. and I Have A Dream (re-mix)
There are a bunch of these, including remixing cable pundits and the 2008 presidential and vice presidential debates.
Blame Mental Floss for turning me on to these guys. And for those anit-youtubers out there, take heart. My next post will probably not contain video.
Mostly.
-t
Calling the post lazy, boring, tedious, un-original, and slap-dash I have been instructed by multiple readers (two) to post something else "for the love of all that is holy I can't take that accordian anymore!")
So, to honor their request to knock the youtube accordian post off the top of the page, I'm replacing it with the following youtube videos which are, by turns, awesome, hilarious, enlightening, trivial, and watchable.
First up, for the history buffs! Winston Churchill's Great Declaration speech (re-mixed, what!?)
Next! More history! Martin Luther King Jr. and I Have A Dream (re-mix)
There are a bunch of these, including remixing cable pundits and the 2008 presidential and vice presidential debates.
Blame Mental Floss for turning me on to these guys. And for those anit-youtubers out there, take heart. My next post will probably not contain video.
Mostly.
-t
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Majorly FugueD
I love this piece of music (usually played on an organ). Kudos to Neatorama for finding the clip:
I've listened to it four times already this morning.
Check out the finger work @ 5:40
-t
I've listened to it four times already this morning.
Check out the finger work @ 5:40
-t
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Over Overtime
I've just received, through three layers of managerial strata, (three strata of management? managerial strata? Is layers of strata redundant?) a policy directive.
Please make sure you are taking and putting in for 30-45 minute lunch breaks. Our workday is scheduled to start at 9AM and salaries are based on a 36.25 hour work week (9AM-5PM, 45 minute lunch). Please make sure you take the allotted time for lunch. We've seen slower than usual trade volume, and overtime is something that is being closely scrutinized.
This was, by the way, received via Blind Carbon Copy (pop quiz: who thought the acronym for "carbon copy" would persist through the electronic age? bonus Al Gore joke: How is Al Gore using e-mail to save the planet?*)
So, receiving the memo via bcc I can assume a few things:
(1) I am not the only recipient
(2) I am not allowed to know the other recipients
(3) The other recipients are not to know me
Rhetorical question: If you had just been passed a note and were aware of the preceding statements regarding that note, would you, or would you not, conclude that you were involved in a criminal conspiracy?
YOU WOULD.
Or, at the very least, an international spy ring operating in enemy territory (everybody wave to the Chinese hackers who are right now copying blogger's source code).
You would not, in all probability, conclude that you were a valued member of a TEAM of PROFESSIONALS built to COOPERATE.
So, to...honor... this request, sent by some anonymous supervisor somewhere up the corporate ladder, and carefully stripped of all details of origin, I will (I know, I know, you're shocked) take a thirty-minute lunch break everyday.
I may take my book and head out to the park to read. I may wander around the city and enjoy the sunshine (or rain, as the case may be). I may sit at my desk staring blankly at my computer screen, catatonic.
Or, I might just take my lunch break at 4:30PM.
I haven't decided.
-t
Friday, April 17, 2009
Monday, April 13, 2009
Global Domination: Patrol and Descent
Science hasn't been keeping up with my plans for global domination, but, to keep all you minions in the loop, I've decided to post a few items I'm planning on incorporating into the design of my evil legions.
1. Armored Patrol Units
These exo-cycles will be outfitted with armor and offensive weaponry to patrol the exterior of my compound, jaywalkers beware.
2. Stairs
I'm also going to install these between each floor of my command center. Possibly in chrome (except in my personal apartment, it will be environmentally-friendly renewable wood.
-t
1. Armored Patrol Units
These exo-cycles will be outfitted with armor and offensive weaponry to patrol the exterior of my compound, jaywalkers beware.
2. Stairs
I'm also going to install these between each floor of my command center. Possibly in chrome (except in my personal apartment, it will be environmentally-friendly renewable wood.
-t
Tuesday, April 07, 2009
Patronizing
I need a hobby, some outlet for my creative impulses.
Naturally, these impulses only hit me when I'm stuck at work, stuck without access to paint, sculpting clay, metal-working equipment, or any physical medium except Bic ink and white copy paper.
Which, as far as it goes, can still be transformed into art, but it usually takes more time, concentration, and studio space than I have the ability to devote since I am, still, stuck at work.
Lately I've been following a number of vinyl toy customizers on Twitter (like, squink, reactor88, and crisr). Naturally my inclination is to now get into the vinyl toy-modding scene. It probably wouldn't take up much room, there are plenty of nice, simple templates to work from, and the community is very vocal and supportive of one another.
It's also a great little outsider-art community because it hasn't been around long enough (hello, painting) to accumulate centuries of entitlement or exclusivity (there are no international universities dedicated to customizing Dunnies).
In lieu of a paint-covered workspace, then, I'm sitting in a cubicle with access to four colors of ink (three I brought from home), no time to explore artistic inspiration (when it strikes), and, worst(?), no way to exhibit the little I do doodle.
I don't have easy access to a scanner, and carting a week's worth of scrap paper scrawling home and digitizing each one has proved too laborious for my laziness to handle. So, no sketch blogs (one, two, three) either.
I'm not saying what I've accomplished (or what I haven't, actually) or what I could accomplish would necessarily be "high art" or even "average height art" (though my tastes don't run toward "low art") I'm only bemoaning the set of circumstances which prevent me from exploration and production of something I could be proud of.
So I'm stuck writing. Writing blog posts, actually. I still don't have the time to construct anything along a narrative arc, no story-telling beyond anecdotes.
Alas, not producing art pays the bills. Stupid Pilgrims.
-t
Naturally, these impulses only hit me when I'm stuck at work, stuck without access to paint, sculpting clay, metal-working equipment, or any physical medium except Bic ink and white copy paper.
Which, as far as it goes, can still be transformed into art, but it usually takes more time, concentration, and studio space than I have the ability to devote since I am, still, stuck at work.
Lately I've been following a number of vinyl toy customizers on Twitter (like, squink, reactor88, and crisr). Naturally my inclination is to now get into the vinyl toy-modding scene. It probably wouldn't take up much room, there are plenty of nice, simple templates to work from, and the community is very vocal and supportive of one another.
It's also a great little outsider-art community because it hasn't been around long enough (hello, painting) to accumulate centuries of entitlement or exclusivity (there are no international universities dedicated to customizing Dunnies).
In lieu of a paint-covered workspace, then, I'm sitting in a cubicle with access to four colors of ink (three I brought from home), no time to explore artistic inspiration (when it strikes), and, worst(?), no way to exhibit the little I do doodle.
I don't have easy access to a scanner, and carting a week's worth of scrap paper scrawling home and digitizing each one has proved too laborious for my laziness to handle. So, no sketch blogs (one, two, three) either.
I'm not saying what I've accomplished (or what I haven't, actually) or what I could accomplish would necessarily be "high art" or even "average height art" (though my tastes don't run toward "low art") I'm only bemoaning the set of circumstances which prevent me from exploration and production of something I could be proud of.
So I'm stuck writing. Writing blog posts, actually. I still don't have the time to construct anything along a narrative arc, no story-telling beyond anecdotes.
Alas, not producing art pays the bills. Stupid Pilgrims.
-t
Wednesday, April 01, 2009
To Sleep, Percha-FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!
The high-pitch wailing of the smoke alarm woke me from the first good night's slumber I'd been in the process of having in a good long while.
It was 3:39AM
The battery in the smoke alarm had, apparently, died, and the smoke alarm, lashing out blindly (deafeningly) for vengeance, blared its squealing peal to wake the dead and dead asleep alike.
I awoke completely stupored, baffled as to the source of what I am kindly describing as noise. The cellphone? No. The alarm clock? No. Auditory hallucination...mmmm...maybe? But, no.
I roused myself as best I could given the circumstances (it normally would take a few hours of wakefulness and a cup or two of coffee before I would willingly step into battle with such a sound), stumbled to the light switch and then stood, neck craned upward, eyelids still drooping heavily, contemplating this well-illuminated rest-ruining screaming plastic banshee.
The smoke alarm was just within the reach of my outstretched arms which I had raised in the hopes of striking at the smoke alarm's battery compartment, its power source, its brain. And strike it I did, with gusto, ripping the rectangular nine-volt battery from its cradle with a gleeful smile on my face, anticipatory joy for the return to slumber I expected.
Erroneously expected, that is. For, as I ripped the battery from this monstrosity of sound, this wailing warning signal, no relief was granted, no, instead, an echo began, released from the alarm's brethren, spread throughout the house, sensing a fellow cacophonous compatriot in dire straights, a call to aid (and ears) was sounded to alert any alarm in the vicinity, or indeed, any sonic sympathizers within range, of the horror ongoing now, at 3:45AM.
The battery, the battery was not enough. No, to slay this siren, now keening its final appeals, there must be another power source found and disabled, or else, its desire for a new battery appeased, before sleep would be granted.
And so I set to work, amid its klaxon clamor, to pry the offender from its ceiling perch, and pry again, the ties that bound the thing to call, its lifeline, the wailer's wire.
Once freed, it died, the soundless source at last, empty, silent, yet whole. A quarter hour more, it would have snapped. Instead, a sort of victory for sleep, interrupted though it was by this nonsense nocturnal notice its signal sounded last at 4:00AM
And heaven help the alarm clock this morning. I'm sleeping with a hammer under the pillow.
-t
Monday, March 23, 2009
Al Gore Ruined The Economy...On Purpose
Al Gore ruined the economy! It was his master plan all along! The Oscar-winning documentary was just a distraction!
Al Gore is a genius.
I'd still vote him into office even now, after he's tipped his hand on his ultimate plan for the economy:
The first rule about cap-and-tax laws is you do not talk about cap-and-tax laws in an election year!
-t
When the economy slows down, two things happen. First, less carbon is emitted. Nobody likes to say this in polite company, but a global economic near-depression is probably the single best "program" one could imagine for curtailing carbon emissions. Vehicle miles traveled are down in the United States in spite of significantly cheaper gas prices; industrial production has slowed; China and India are not increasing their carbon usage as fast as anticipated. (link)
Al Gore is a genius.
I'd still vote him into office even now, after he's tipped his hand on his ultimate plan for the economy:
The first rule about cap-and-tax laws is you do not talk about cap-and-tax laws in an election year!
-t
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Firewalled Again!
I caught an early train this morning so I would have plenty of time before work to review the teams competing in the NCAA tournament and then submit my bracket on espn.com.
So, at 8:45AM I started filling in the regions, (staying away from upsets) (I've got 3 1-seeds and a 2-seed in the finals)) and was ready to submit by 9:00AM.
I clicked "submit" AND THE CONFIRMATION PAGE WAS BLOCKED!
Kudos, I guess, to the IT department, for stringing me along for the entire deliberatory process only to shove the firewall in my face when I tried to make it official.
I will not, therefore, be participating in the espn bracket challenge, but I'll try to keep updates posted somewhere online.
Also, while we're talking about a firewall, can anyone offer an explanation why myspace, and facebook are blocked under the "dating and personals" rule but craigslist personals are freely available?
I can't check out pictures from my nephew's 1st St. Patrick's day on facebook, but I can pull this up in a full-screen browser (nsfw (my whole point, obv).
Corporate America, where Brackets are off limits, but Boobs are ok.
-t
So, at 8:45AM I started filling in the regions, (staying away from upsets) (I've got 3 1-seeds and a 2-seed in the finals)) and was ready to submit by 9:00AM.
I clicked "submit" AND THE CONFIRMATION PAGE WAS BLOCKED!
Kudos, I guess, to the IT department, for stringing me along for the entire deliberatory process only to shove the firewall in my face when I tried to make it official.
I will not, therefore, be participating in the espn bracket challenge, but I'll try to keep updates posted somewhere online.
Also, while we're talking about a firewall, can anyone offer an explanation why myspace, and facebook are blocked under the "dating and personals" rule but craigslist personals are freely available?
I can't check out pictures from my nephew's 1st St. Patrick's day on facebook, but I can pull this up in a full-screen browser (nsfw (my whole point, obv).
Corporate America, where Brackets are off limits, but Boobs are ok.
-t
Monday, March 16, 2009
Skip This Track
Pandora has ruined my iPod.
Not in any real tangible way, mind you, Pandora didn't up and jack my charger in the wrong way round, or induce a chemical reaction in the battery, but I can't skip songs anymore.
I mean, I can skip songs, I have the ability, the skip button still functions, but now, every time I reach over to jump past a song I don't care for this message flashes before my eyes, and my hand freezes:
Gah! I've been conditioned to listen to sub-par songs since Pandora is going to lock up anyway.
I've had to remind myself three times in the last hour alone that I'm listening to MY music on MY iPod and I can skip WHENEVER I WANT.
Stupid Pilgrims.
-t
Not in any real tangible way, mind you, Pandora didn't up and jack my charger in the wrong way round, or induce a chemical reaction in the battery, but I can't skip songs anymore.
I mean, I can skip songs, I have the ability, the skip button still functions, but now, every time I reach over to jump past a song I don't care for this message flashes before my eyes, and my hand freezes:
Unfortunately our music licenses force us to limit the number of songs you may skip each hour. If you want to hear something else, try creating another station starting with a different artist or song.
Gah! I've been conditioned to listen to sub-par songs since Pandora is going to lock up anyway.
I've had to remind myself three times in the last hour alone that I'm listening to MY music on MY iPod and I can skip WHENEVER I WANT.
Stupid Pilgrims.
-t
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Access Denied (Web-Based-Email)
Sometimes I sit at work and daydream about what it would be like to have a job that allows unfettered access to the internet. Then I start pricing Android phones.
-t
-t
Friday, March 06, 2009
Nerd Alert!
To: tom@work
From: Sam@home
Is it wrong that I just entered a sweepstakes to go to the premiere of the new Star Trek movie? And if so, is it more wrong that I referred you and 4 of my other friends to enter so that I would get an extra 5 entries into the contest?
woot star trek!
~Sam
What's the Klingon for "nerd?" Oh, nevermind, I'll just ask Sam...
-t
From: Sam@home
Is it wrong that I just entered a sweepstakes to go to the premiere of the new Star Trek movie? And if so, is it more wrong that I referred you and 4 of my other friends to enter so that I would get an extra 5 entries into the contest?
woot star trek!
~Sam
What's the Klingon for "nerd?" Oh, nevermind, I'll just ask Sam...
-t
References
Still trying to narrow down the list of DJs for the big event. I went to craigslist to find someone local (and cheap). Here is one of the exchanges:
To: djmikey@djing.com
Subject: RE: Availability for 8/15/2009
Mike,
I hope you're still available for the 15th. I'm still trying to decide between a couple different DJs. Can you provide any references or testimonials from some of your clients?
Thanks,
Tom
To: tom@work
Subject: RE: Availability for 8/15/2009
hi tom.
here are a few comments people have made.
Mike did a fabulous job at our wedding reception! We got many compliments on him and will definitely recommend him to anyone looking for a DJ. Thank you so much!
Sheri-ann
Ipswich, MA
Michael was amazing! The dance floor was packed all night and we got so many compliments on the music and how fun the wedding was. Michael was certainly the major player in creating the amazing atmosphere that night and for that we are truly thankful!
Natalie
Mendon, MA
hope these are what you are looking for.
call anytime
michael
And, not for nothing, but I'm pretty sure Mendon, MA is a made-up town name.
-t
To: djmikey@djing.com
Subject: RE: Availability for 8/15/2009
Mike,
I hope you're still available for the 15th. I'm still trying to decide between a couple different DJs. Can you provide any references or testimonials from some of your clients?
Thanks,
Tom
To: tom@work
Subject: RE: Availability for 8/15/2009
hi tom.
here are a few comments people have made.
Mike did a fabulous job at our wedding reception! We got many compliments on him and will definitely recommend him to anyone looking for a DJ. Thank you so much!
Sheri-ann
Ipswich, MA
Michael was amazing! The dance floor was packed all night and we got so many compliments on the music and how fun the wedding was. Michael was certainly the major player in creating the amazing atmosphere that night and for that we are truly thankful!
Natalie
Mendon, MA
hope these are what you are looking for.
call anytime
michael
And, not for nothing, but I'm pretty sure Mendon, MA is a made-up town name.
-t
Wednesday, March 04, 2009
A The Funniest List About Comedians Ever
The Big Lead took a shot at a top ten comedy list over the last 20 years and missed badly. You can find their list and justifications by following this link, but a much better list (complied by yours, truly) is below.
(I, of course, welcome your critique and comments)
(Also, this is, I realize belatedly, restricted to American (check - North American) personalities, and will remain so, simply because I don't have the exposure (or langauges) necessary to rate European, Asian, African, Australian, or South American comics (plus, a lot of their material is messed up anyway)
(Also, as I wasn't comfortable throwing everybody into the same list I've recated categories, Oscar-style, which helped)
Variety/Sketch Comedians
John Steward slash The Daily Show writers
Stephen Colbert slash The Colbert Report writers
Tina Fey
David Letterman
Television Comedians
Matt Stone and Trey Parker
Steve Carrell (also nominated in the "bravest comedian" category)
Stand-up Comedians
Chris Rock
Jerry Seinfeld
Ellen DeGeneres
Stephen Wright
Nick Swardson
Megan Mooney (hon mention)
Jim Gaffigan (hon mention)
Movie:
Ethan and Joel Cohen
George Clooney (hon mention)
Omitted: The Arrested Development guys, Dimitri Martin (he's got time), Dave Chapelle (didn't crack the top three in his category), Will Ferrell (snub), Sandler, Myers,
Basically, if at any point I thought you had "the funniest show on television" you're on the list.
-t
(I, of course, welcome your critique and comments)
(Also, this is, I realize belatedly, restricted to American (check - North American) personalities, and will remain so, simply because I don't have the exposure (or langauges) necessary to rate European, Asian, African, Australian, or South American comics (plus, a lot of their material is messed up anyway)
(Also, as I wasn't comfortable throwing everybody into the same list I've recated categories, Oscar-style, which helped)
Variety/Sketch Comedians
John Steward slash The Daily Show writers
Stephen Colbert slash The Colbert Report writers
Tina Fey
David Letterman
Television Comedians
Matt Stone and Trey Parker
Steve Carrell (also nominated in the "bravest comedian" category)
Stand-up Comedians
Chris Rock
Jerry Seinfeld
Ellen DeGeneres
Stephen Wright
Nick Swardson
Megan Mooney (hon mention)
Jim Gaffigan (hon mention)
Movie:
Ethan and Joel Cohen
George Clooney (hon mention)
Omitted: The Arrested Development guys, Dimitri Martin (he's got time), Dave Chapelle (didn't crack the top three in his category), Will Ferrell (snub), Sandler, Myers,
Basically, if at any point I thought you had "the funniest show on television" you're on the list.
Bonus link Funniest Bit Ever
-t
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Jindal the NBC Page
For those of you, like me, who spent last night, not studiously listening to President Obama's speech and the GOP response by Govenor Jindal, but partying for Fat Tuesday and gorging on all those things you'll be giving up for Lent (Call of Duty) I'm here to inform you that you missed the Next Big Thing and you should be prepared to log on to Facebook immediately after reading this entry so you too can join a group and be on the cutting edge of this phenomenon:
Gov. Bobby Jindal is Kenneth the NBC page.
The Huffington Post has been kind enough to post comparative videos. You can really start to hear in in Jindal's story about his grandfather, just after the 1:20 mark.
Golly!
Who is this better for, and when can we expect Kenneth to host SNL by playing Jindal in the opening sketch?
-t
Gov. Bobby Jindal is Kenneth the NBC page.
The Huffington Post has been kind enough to post comparative videos. You can really start to hear in in Jindal's story about his grandfather, just after the 1:20 mark.
Golly!
Who is this better for, and when can we expect Kenneth to host SNL by playing Jindal in the opening sketch?
-t
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Don't Bring A Licorice Whip To A Knife Fight
These rules for gunfighting (from kottke) are hilarious and awesome.
My favorite is #10, hands down:
But there are lots of other good tips, like "The faster you finish the fight, the less shot you will get."
I've amended some of the rules for application to a number of other activities.
Pillowfight:
1. Forget about pajamas, sheets, and blankets. Bring a pillow. Preferably, bring at least two pillows. Bring all of your friends who have pillows. Bring four times the pillows you think you could ever need.
Eating Contest:
8. If you are not chewing, you should be swallowing, communicating, and running. Yell "Fire!" Why "Fire"? Cops will come with the Fire Department, sirens often scare off the sea gulls, or at least cause then to lose concentration and will.... and who is going to summon help if you yell "Hot Dog," "Ketchup" or "Worchestire?"
Porn Shoot:
6. If you can choose what to bring to a porn shoot, bring a semi or full-automatic long "gun" and a friend with a long "gun."
Raptor attack:
18. Watch their hands. Hands kill. Smiles, frowns and other facial expressions don't. Also watch their teeth. Teeth kill. Also, razor sharp foot claws kill.
Staring Contest:
26. Practice staring in the dark, with someone shouting at you, when out of breath, etc.
27. Regardless of whether justified of not, you will feel sad about staring at another human being. It is better to be sad than to be room temperature.
Living with OCD:
2. Anything worth cleaning is worth cleaning twice. Disinfectant is cheap - life is expensive. If you clean inside, a mop and bucket is your friend. Pine-Sol is cheap - funerals are expensive.
Spelling Bee:
24. Do not attend a spelling bee with a word in common usage, the number of syllables of which is not anything smaller than "4".
Making Out:
9. Accuracy is relative: most make out standards will be more dependent on "pucker factor" than the inherent accuracy of the tongue.
Debate:
3. The only thing worse than a drawl is a slow drawl.
7. In ten years nobody will remember the details of grammar, sentence structure, or speech impediments. They will only remember who lived.
Small Business Management:
25. Use a employee that works EVERY TIME. At a practice session, throw you employee into the mud, then make sure it still works. You can clean it later.
Bodyguard Carrying Contest:
16. Don't drop your guard.
Parent-Teacher Meeting:
21. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet if necessary, because they may want to kill you.
Any other suggestions for the gunfighting rules?
-t
My favorite is #10, hands down:
10. Someday someone may kill you with your own gun, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty.
But there are lots of other good tips, like "The faster you finish the fight, the less shot you will get."
I've amended some of the rules for application to a number of other activities.
Pillowfight:
1. Forget about pajamas, sheets, and blankets. Bring a pillow. Preferably, bring at least two pillows. Bring all of your friends who have pillows. Bring four times the pillows you think you could ever need.
Eating Contest:
8. If you are not chewing, you should be swallowing, communicating, and running. Yell "Fire!" Why "Fire"? Cops will come with the Fire Department, sirens often scare off the sea gulls, or at least cause then to lose concentration and will.... and who is going to summon help if you yell "Hot Dog," "Ketchup" or "Worchestire?"
Porn Shoot:
6. If you can choose what to bring to a porn shoot, bring a semi or full-automatic long "gun" and a friend with a long "gun."
Raptor attack:
18. Watch their hands. Hands kill. Smiles, frowns and other facial expressions don't. Also watch their teeth. Teeth kill. Also, razor sharp foot claws kill.
Staring Contest:
26. Practice staring in the dark, with someone shouting at you, when out of breath, etc.
27. Regardless of whether justified of not, you will feel sad about staring at another human being. It is better to be sad than to be room temperature.
Living with OCD:
2. Anything worth cleaning is worth cleaning twice. Disinfectant is cheap - life is expensive. If you clean inside, a mop and bucket is your friend. Pine-Sol is cheap - funerals are expensive.
Spelling Bee:
24. Do not attend a spelling bee with a word in common usage, the number of syllables of which is not anything smaller than "4".
Making Out:
9. Accuracy is relative: most make out standards will be more dependent on "pucker factor" than the inherent accuracy of the tongue.
Debate:
3. The only thing worse than a drawl is a slow drawl.
7. In ten years nobody will remember the details of grammar, sentence structure, or speech impediments. They will only remember who lived.
Small Business Management:
25. Use a employee that works EVERY TIME. At a practice session, throw you employee into the mud, then make sure it still works. You can clean it later.
Bodyguard Carrying Contest:
16. Don't drop your guard.
Parent-Teacher Meeting:
21. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet if necessary, because they may want to kill you.
Any other suggestions for the gunfighting rules?
-t
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Dumpster Diving
I'm reneging on my promise to stop complaining. I've got to rant, that's the whole reason this blog is here in the first place! To wit:
I've been assigned to the month end audit review team. This is not an enviable assignment, it is, in fact, an unenviable one. The audit review team's task, simply, is to review every single break across all aspects of each of the funds before the actual audit team performs their review.
This is exactly like tidying up before the maid comes to clean your apartment; except the funds aren't so much your apartment as they are the squalid dumpster in the alley behind your building.
It went down like this:
[ring, ring]
Hello, this is Tom
Will you be the contact for the audit team?
No
Well, you have to. And you're good at it. So you have to - the meeting's at two.
[click]
L-A-M-E.
Of course I'm good at it. I'm good at a lot of things. Mr. Clean is good at cleaning I doubt even he'd get excited about that back alley dumpster. Ability does not equal affinity.
I have been compelled into similar projects in the past. I have always resolved breaks at an above average rate. I have yet to see any substantial career gain.
And, since the economic meltdown has necessitated a salary and promotion freeze, I know for certain that the best possible outcome will be a hearty pat on the back from my immediate supervisor.
If I'm going to come out the other side of this being paid the same, having gained zero recognition within the firm, having moved not at all up the ladder, and, if it's all the same to you, I'd much rather spend the next month doing exactly what I've been doing which will net the same effect and avoid the entire back alley altogether.
Right?
-t
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