I've been attacked by ladybugs. Bitten. Imagine Peter Parker and a radioactive spider.
I was reclining in my couch, minding my own business, playing video games. It was summer. It was hot.
I felt something on my neck. A dust mote? A lock of hair? An insect?
Yes. An insect. The something moved, and before I could raise my hand to brush it away IT BIT ME! I brushed it the hell off then and it flitted over to the opposite wall, no doubt to stare and laugh, because I had just been bitten by A LADYBUG!
Now, let's just get one thing straight, right off the bat: ladybugs bite. I don't want to hear anybody out there suggesting that it might have been some type of beetle, a mosquito, a tiny tiny mouse, or some sort of radioactive spider.
I know what a ladybug looks like. And, now, I know what it bites like.
I related the incident to my family at the next opportunity. They, like many of you, no doubt, doubted.
It was at that very moment that another ladybug flew down from the ceiling and BIT ME AGAIN!
After about ten minutes of "Tommy got beat up by a girl-bug" jokes and some hysterical laughter, and a few Bug's Life quotes ("So, just because I'm a ladybug that automatically makes me a girl!?") they believed me.
Too little, too late, if you ask me. Where were they the first time I was bitten, mm?
Since then I have been especially wary of ladybugs, which are crawling around in greater numbers than ever. I fear that word has perhaps gotten around the ladybug community that I am easy prey, or perhaps look like a giant aphid.
I am of two minds: one, destroy any and every ladybug I see in order to prevent further attacks.
or, two, allow the ladybugs to keep biting in the hopes that one of them may be radioactive and in this way gain powers beyond those of ordinary men.
A six-foot tall ladybug with the power of speech. Ladybug Man, or something, I'm still working on the name.
My powers would be great. I would have an eye-catching red and black shell, I could fly (and bite, apparently). I may not have very many offensive powers, but, as part of a superhero team I could aid in the retreat, whisking my fellow superheroes back to the safety of home base when they were in trouble.
Of course, the base would probably be on fire when we get there.
-t
6 comments:
You're sure you're not being attacked by one of these? :-p
I vote for the preemptive ladybug attack. Remember, you're either with us or you're with the ladybugs.
may i suggest Ladybuggolator?
ladybugs also spray a stinky something, kinda like when you startle a skunk. but it's much less, cause it's a ladybug. but it still stinks.
and you can't beat them they'll always win.
nice to see you again.
On tour once, in godknowswhere Indiana I was loading equipment into the wing of this old auditorium stage we were playing. I stepped through a doorway and all of a sudden it felt like someone had sprinkled several boxes of Cap'n Crunch on the floor.
The old dude who ran the place appeared: "Yeh they infest bout once a year. Jess sweep 'em away if they bother you"
Thousands of dead lady bugs littering every square foot of the room.
Wow. Probably the only thing cooler than gaining super powers from a radioactive ladybug bite would be thousands upon thousands of reanimated ladybug zombies.
Awesome. I'm drawing a picture of one right now.
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