What fuels the compulsion we humans have to make lists? Why do we torment ourselves?
I'm not talking about grocery lists, or "people to contact in case of emergency" lists. I'm talking about unnecessary lists. The lists we make up, spontaneously, for no reason: "greatest Red Sox outfielders from 1960-1983" or "favorite songs of 2007." There is no reason for these lists to exist. None. And yet, there they are. People are compelled to list things.
The most worrisome is the great achievement list.
"Things to do before I die"
How depressing is that? "Things to do" by itself is pretty cheery, right? That list is a great way to fight boredom. Play a video game. Visit Grandma. Stage an all-you-can-eat-pasta contest. Write a letter to an old college friend.
What a nice list.
Then you go and tack on "before I die." Way to kill the mood! Not only have you just introduced death into an otherwise happy thought, but you've managed to put a deadline on it - (wow. "deadline" I'm going to have to do some research into the etymology of that word. it's this line, right, and when you reach it, you're...dead. how ominous) - so right away you're running out of time, trying to cram things in to the few precious moments you've got left on this green earth.
Not to mention the list is almost always depressingly unaccomplishable tasks:
Get elected US president
Fly a plane
Walk on Mars
Get married
End hunger
Write a detective novel
Maybe you cross one off. Maybe you even get two. But if you care enough about any of those to put them on the list, then you're looking at disappointment any way it's sliced.
For the vast majority of list makers the time, energy, and luck needed to train for a pilot's license, fall in love with your instructor, be accepted into the astronaut program after your beer-and-mary-jane-heavy college lifestyle, while simultaneously campaigning for the Oval Office where you can effect the budgetary, philosophical, and R&D changes necessary to make manned flight to Mars possible, get there, discover a clean, renewable source of food and energy, fly back, and then find a publisher for your Hammett knock-off, is unreachable.
So, sorry. Forget the list. Right?
Wrong. Because, reason though I must, that it's a dumb idea, I am still compelled. I've got a list jotted down right here in front of me. And I hate disappointment.
So I've decided to make the list a little easier. Real goals, that I actually care about, the unattainable, they'll go on the list. But I'm broadening my perspective, the list is going to be more than just the "climb mt. everest" caliber goals. Here's a rough draft:
THINGS TO DO (before I die)
1. play Halo the whole way through
2. visit Alaska
3. buy a house
4. coach little league baseball
5. get a law degree
6. do the crossword everyday
7. visit all 50 state capital buildings
8. win an election
9. get published
10. finish the book I'm currently reading
That's for starters.
Hard goals. And easy goals too. Any potential big disappointment will be mitigated by the sum of the smaller accomplishments, each valuable in their own way, no throw-away goals. "wake up" "brush teeth regularly" and "watch NBC thursdays" aren't making the list.
You may notice I left myself some room on the loftier goals. "get published" is easier to achieve than "write the next A Tree Grows In Brooklyn," and "win an election" isn't as hard as "get elected world president."
I also intentionally left off any "funny" suggestions like "start a religious cult." While they're good for a chuckle now, I'd certainly hate to stumble across the list when I'm old and senile and think I actually meant to do it. Because even old and senile I'd be charismatic enough to lure people into a cult. People are easily lured. look at Forrest Gump. Or the Mormons. And then one hundred eighty years down the road some yokel who believes whatever the senile old me decided to write down will be a front runner for the Republican Presidential nomination....
Ok, I'm changing my goals:
1. Get a believer of my wacky religious cult elected President of the United States of America
2. Climb Olympus Mons
-t
9 comments:
dude, i have been totally planning an all you can eat pasta contest recently with my friend.
Somehow I knew Adina would comment on the pasta contest :-p
A law degree? Really?
I have 40% of your list done already.
Wait, wait, it's
2. visit Alaska
3. buy a house
6. do the crossword everyday
and....
10. finish the book I'm currently reading
and I'm positive it's not:
1. play Halo the whole way through
5. get a law degree
7. visit all 50 state capital buildings
How'd I do?
one time i was at a party and there was this book called "100 Places to Go Before You Die." My friend was like, "I am going to open to a random page in the book and that will be the one place you have to visit." So he randomly flipped through and opened to....wait for it....Amish Country.
Whoever wrote that book had some pretty low expectations for life.
I made a stretch winning the election for senior class president (It was big at the time!). And I'm getting published in different way than what you mean. The lab that I worked for in BU is using some of my work for a paper. So, I'll be listed as one of the authors. Sure, it's not the next Lolita, but it's just as frightening.
Currently I just try to do the crossword once a week. But daily is a goal.
You should make #11 be:
Live in Japan and buy all the cool electronics before they are released in the US.
Because teaching in Japan is lucrative ($25/hour) and no one has high expectations of you. You could make enough money to go to law school, travel to Alaska, and buy a house. If you didn't spend it all on a Wii and all the cool Japanese games that go with it.
And yes, I still tutor Japanese. I'm cheap - $15/hr.
I've already got a Wii! Samantha gave it to me as a Christmas gift last year. (It's totally awesome)
But, that's a nice idea. I'm totally down with low expectations.
-t
and I was going to, but will refrain from, making an "I'm cheap" joke
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