Not quite an offer I couldn't refuse

per JS's lead: commentary in red

This morning I walked over to hypermanager's desk. "Can I talk to you - in the conference room?" I asked.

I shut the door behind us to ensure privacy Because that's how things are done around here. Heaven forbid someone else hears a conversation that will affect the group and said "I just got a job offer, and I'm going to take it - so I'm giving my two weeks notice."

Damn. That was awesome. I should quit my job every six months.

"So does that mean you'll be leaving on a Wednesday? Or will you be staying the extra two days and leave on a Friday?" What are you, kidding me?

"No, I'm leaving on the Wednesday." I'd be leaving right now if the two weeks weren't required.

And that was that. He didn't say a word. In two days he'd lost two seniors. Three weeks ago he lost an invaluable senior manager and hadn't even been offered an interview for the slot. Almost no reaction from hypermanager. Maybe he was in shock.

Half an hour later CancerFace the AVP cruises by my desk without stopping and calls "Can I see you in my office."
Note the period at the end of that sentence.

CancerFace and hypermanager are there waiting for me. CancerFace launches into his "So, tell me why you're leaving" speech.

I sit quietly. Because I'm not this guy's biggest fan. Also I'm trying to exercise some telekinetic influence over that lip of tobacco he's packing, because if he drooled all over his shirt right now that would make my whole week.

"You're a valuable member of this team, I don't like to see talent leave, especially to the competition."
Right, so it's a good thing you keep everybody around here happy enough that they never think of jumping ship.

"So, tell me, are you leaving for the money?"

"Yes, mostly the money. Also this is an opportunity for me to learn a new aspect of the mutual fund business." It's the money. Also, I hate it here. And, there are no windows.

"Well. Ok. We - Hypermanager and I- feel that you're not quite ready to step up to a management role here, that you need more experience - but I'm prepared to put you into that position now. I mean NOW."

You're offering to put me in a position with more responsiblity that I am even less qualified for? And you think that's going to make me stay? I'll be doing the exact same work I'm doing now for the next six months with a new title, then put in charge of a group that I don't have the ability to train? That's a solution?

I didn't say anything.

CancerFace then proceeded to bash the competition for a few minutes wrapping up with
"But I don't mean to bash the competition." How gracious of you.

CancerFace says:
"So if I go to HR now, and ask about matching this salary, whatever it is - and I'm going to have to check what you're making now, and what we can offer you - but, before I go to HR and ask them to match this offer I need a commitment to you, that if we match this you're going to stay."

Try not to laugh. Try not to laugh. Try not to laugh.

I say:
"I can't make that commitment."

He pauses. The bullying and competition bashing usually works for him, I'm sure. He doesn't like it when people tell him "no."

"Well, think about what it would take to get you to stay here. What it would take? Eighty-thousand a year. The stupid kid gone. Lurch gone. Pony Boy transferred out of the building. A competent manager to assist hypermanager. Better hiring practices, like making entrants pass an algebra quiz. And windows. You understand I don't mean "transfer to a floor with windows" I mean windows here, on the first floor." Unless you'd be willing to pay me to work at another company. And let hypermanager know."

Write my own counteroffer? Ha. I've got news for you buddy.

You can't compel me to stay. Not by loyalty, guilt, obligation, monetary compensation, or magic.


I'm out.
-t