Hey, IT guys who work at my company. FUCK YOU. That's right I said it. I'm on to you now you know. I've figured out your little game. So I'm sending a big Fuck You, from yours truly, to your whole staff.
You blocked the email sites, and I got by. I use my work email address now. I know you like it that way because you can scan and read everything that touches my In-and-OutBox. You get off on that don't you IT guys? Don't you?
You blocked ebay, because you couldn't handle it. Because you wanted me spending more time emailing, so you would have more correspondence to slake your voyeuristic thirsts. But I got by.
Then you blocked craigslist. I grew more and more upset. Because now I can no longer laugh at slimy personals (there is, after all, a little voyeur in everyone), I can no longer search for used ping pong tables. IT guys, I didn't spend a lot of time on craigslist, but you blocked it anyway. You're just exercising your power on whims, trifles. I know you're reading this IT guys.
I've long suspected it. Obviously you have a log of the urls this IP address visits, no doubt this site is high on that list. You checked it out. You thought it would be a hoot to read up on the new guy. I bet it was. Did you spend any time trying to figure out my pseudonyms? Trying to match my descriptions of coworkers and their fake blog-names to the real thing? An amusing afternoon game I'd wager.
I know you're reading this, IT guys, because you just blocked The Random Muse. Get your laughs in now. Go ahead, I'll allow it. Chuckle to yourselves, "we'll block his links, one-by-one," chuckle, enjoy it while it lasts.
Who's next? Mighty Girl? Aha. You were thinking that, weren't you? You were thinking of blocking her next. But now that I've guessed you're reading, will you continue with the plan? If you do block her then you've just confirmed your readership. Or do you wait, try and play it cool, stay safe, in the shadows of the ones and zeros you call home. That's right, run. Run and hide with your brackets and backslashes. Take your command-line prompts and retreat to the IT guy break-room. I'm on to you. And you should be scared.
Because now, IT guys, now I have something I've lacked for a long while. I have motivation. A purpose. Drive. I'm going to hack your system. That's right, I said it. I'm going devote some serious time and energy to the art of hacking. I'm going to be good. Real good, and when the time is right, I'm going to infiltrate your system. The monitors will become the monitored. I am going to hover over your shoulders. I am going to slip through your firewalls, I am going to rewrite programs, re-seed random number generators, reuse code in ways you cannot possibly imagine.
And all the while IT guys, all the while? I'm going to begin a campaign to work my way up the corporate ladder, to establish myself in a position that has authority over your office. And IT guys? I'm going to take it all away. Your perks, your freedoms, your privacy.
IT guys. FUCK YOU.
-Tom
12 comments:
ask an IT girl.
if you need some help i could give some pointers. send me a comment on my lj with either email or im name.
-rosy
s-weet
Who wants to run the pool for wagers on how long until Tom gets canned?
Kelly, I'll totally run it.
My guess is 2 more months.
oh and PS rosy - you are the stealthiest. LOVE that.
You have to pick a specific day. I say September 3rd. He's going to swim through the summer no problem because too many bosses will be on vacation and just not care. But then, as students are going back to school, he'll let his guard down. A week later - canned. September 3rd.
do I win the pool money if I'm not fired by a certain point?
selfishly, I'd suggest yes. but, if that's the case, then I would have that extra motivation to not get fired, so that would skew the data. so maybe not...but maybe if you decide to, on your own out there, you know, give the money to me if I'm not fired by a certain date and not let me know about that arrangement, then I might concveivably go for that.
BAM
See? This is why I never posted from work. Also, hackers are hot. :-p
Man, he'd really have to screw up to get canned on a Saturday, Donny ;)
Fine. September 16th. Which is NOT a Saturday. It's a Friday. Primo day to fire people right?
We all know that, no matter how down the guard is, tom doesn't get fired. he gets raises. That's because everyone else is noticeably slacking while Tom is very stealthy in his slacking. But now that his coworkers are dwindling, they will see him. the IT guys already see him. the managers already see him. and right after tom has trained all the F.O.C. (fresh out of college), they'll can him.
and if i lose, there is no way i'm paying tom my pool money.
you say that now...but really, you're thinking about paying me the pool money.
I just applied for a promotion for a "working senior" position. it means more work for the same money. but I get a new title. "hi, I'm tom, I'm the senior in this group"
that is, of course, if I get the job...
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