Paper: In The Year 2000!

Amazon has released their brand-spankin'-new e-book reader, the Kindle. And it's dumb.

First, I applaud the name. "Kindle" is a great, rarely-used, related-to-interest word that has loads going for it (two syllables, begins with 'K').

I applaud the e-ink technology. Some really great stuff is being developed: low-power, high contrast, thin & lightweight devices.

I don't applaud the design. White is ugly, the keyboard layout is ugly, and the thing looks like an airfoil from a Rebel Snowspeeder.



It also costs $400, plus the cost of (non-transferable) e-books, plus the cost of subscribing to blog RSS feeds (that's right, the ones you get for free online!).

But, far and away, it is another mile marker on the way to a paperless world. (Not truly paperless, of course, there will always be important uses for paper, like origami.)

I'd originally conceived this post as an outline for a future writing career, making money by observing on the state of things and commentary on the way they used to be. Column headlines would run something like "Remember Paper?" and discuss the advent of e-book readers and their ilk.

I'll be sure to archive this post so me, a future columnist, can look back and harvest my early impressions as filler.

I'm also hopeful that in my future as a curmudgenly columnist I have an editor to cut things like the preceding paragraph.

Not literally cut, of course, because we'll be publishing on plastic screens loaded with a low wattage electric charge in shapes that look like letters.

Or, you know, beaming features directly into your brain.

-t

Shortcut for Bemused Frustration is Ctrl+P

First note: The employees here are running on a mishmash of operating systems from Win 2000 (now six years old), to Win XP (four years old?), and Vista on the shared terminals, and VP's desktops, Blackberries, etc.

Second note: Since moving cubicles I have been unable to print.

So I called IT.

Phone Transcript:

Tom: Since moving cubicles I'm unable to print. Can you configure my PC to fix this?

IT: Ok, do you know how to add a printer?

Tom: No.

IT: [exasperated sigh] Click on the start menu, there's a button for printers and faxes.

Tom: No there isn't. I have a menu option for Settings>Printers, though.

IT: [confused pause] - Oh. You're running 2000.

Tom: I guess.

IT: I'll - I'll send you a document with instructions.

For those of you readers laughing at my ignorance, and savy enough to figure out what OS you're running, or to add your own printer, I would like to point out that I could probably have figured that stuff out on my own if I had any permissions at all on this machine.

I don't.

I can't even access the clock on the taskbar, nevermind open up the hidden "My Computer icon." Asking to modify network permissions is certainly out of the question.

I've added the printer, but now can't print to it. I'm waiting for IT to get back to me.

It would be nice if the computers here were standardized. Having one set of standard instructions would make the IT guy's job easier. Having an upgraded computer would make my job easier.

Not working here at all would make my job really easy.

-t

PC Load Letter

Tell me you know how to work a printer.

I don’t mean Office Space “what the fuck does PC load letter mean?” printers (even though pc load letter means the printer is out of paper, moron), I mean, you know, having the ability to read.

Three times today. Three times.

Thing the first:
The stupid kid comes up to me this morning, wearing the absolute brightest pink shirt I think it is humanly possible to manufacture, I’m talking a supernova of brightness radiating from this very bright, very pink, very bright shirt (with dark green pants and black shoes), and says, “You know those interest lines I asked you about last week? Well, they’re still out there.”

So I say “You told me last week that those lines tied to the payments, all you have to do is let the kid on the other side of the floor know they match and he’ll clear the lines.”

And he replies “Um, ok, but, uh, could you check them – the lines – and see if they’re really tied?”

They don’t.

Mutual funds buy securities, the securities accrue interest, and that interest is paid to the mutual fund on a determined date. We track the security, the days accrued, and the interest rate to calculate the expected payment. Then, we get paid. Simple.

To check if the interest line matches the payment you check the interest line function. To check the payment you check the interest received function.

Two screens. Two numbers. Are they equal, or not? SIMPLE.

If the payment matches the accrual, we clear the line and take in the money. If not, then it’s my job to do the research, determine what went wrong, and fix it. My job gets a little harder when the stupid kid tells me things are clear and I believe him. So really, is the mistake his fault? Or, is it my fault for not checking his work because I assumed he had the comprehensive power to compare two numbers? I leave that to you.

The second thing:
Securities accrue in one of three ways
-30/360 – payments are calculated as if there were thirty days in each month and three hundred sixty days in the year.
-act/360 – payments calculated based on the actual number of days in the month and as if there were three hundred sixty days in the year.
-act/act – payments calculated based on the actual number of days in the month and the actual number of days in the year.

The stupid kid asked me if it was ok that something booked “act/365” was correct because it should be “actual/actual,’ with the actual number of days in the year.

Turns out that yes, it was booked correctly, because 365 is the actual number of days in the year.

Don’t forget, this is the kid who couldn’t remember if there were 52 or 54 weeks in the year. He thinks it’s 52, but it might be 54, like a deck of cards.

Three:
The stupid kid came over to my desk at the close of the day, people are running around trying to finish funds. “Hey, um,” he said, “I just wanted to let you know I think the printer is broken or something. It’s flashing a message on the screen.”

The message was “PC load letter.”

No, not really, but I know you were all hoping it was. You were sitting there wishing, with all your might, that the stupid kid did not, can not, understand “PC load letter.”

“Come on, Tom, have you, please, please, set this post up with the mention of Office Space, and the title, and our previous knowledge of the stupid kid, please tell me that’s the message he got.” That’s what you were thinking.

Sorry to disappoint, but we have nicer printers:
“Printer is out of paper.”