Email thread!
To: Mike@supervisor
From: Buddy
cc: Tom
Subject: Hey
Hey,
I have a control alert on one of my portfolios. Could you check this out when you get a minute. Thanks
Mike's reply:
To: Buddy
From: Mike@supervisor
cc: Tom
Subject: Hey
This is all set now.
Also- I'm more likely to notice and respond to e-mails that don't have subject "Hey" FYI.
Thanks,
Mike
-t
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Monday, July 28, 2008
Staph-ing Problems
"I could use another coffee."
-Buddy
This is how it started. "I could use another cup of coffee."
He couldn't use another cup of coffee. His cup of iced coffee was sitting on my desk, my desk, still half full. But, I had said "Ok, I'm going to go get a coffee now" meaning, of course, "I can't take this anymore. I have to get out. I need air!"
"This" is day one of buddy training.
It wasn't an invitation, I was trying to be nice, and I chose coffee as a convenient excuse because I knew he didn't need any more coffee - but Buddy invited himself along anyway.
Fine.
I've been holding back all day. I have been keeping the conversation on point: Training oriented jargon; Lots of acronyms. I have not recounted funny anecdotes from my vacation. I have not made small talk. Just the facts.
So we're standing in the elevator lobby, not saying anything, and Buddy, just to be saying something, I guess, says
"I had surgery this weekend...I actually got a staph infection. It's the kind you only get in hosptials."
[Pause]
"It's resistant to like 90% of medicine, so they gave me two antibiotics to take and the it's been making me feel really sick the past few days."
So, your slimy staph-infected surgery wound wants to come with me to Dunkin' Donuts? I don't think so, Buddy. I'm going to to CVS for some hand sanitizer, stat.
-t
-Buddy
This is how it started. "I could use another cup of coffee."
He couldn't use another cup of coffee. His cup of iced coffee was sitting on my desk, my desk, still half full. But, I had said "Ok, I'm going to go get a coffee now" meaning, of course, "I can't take this anymore. I have to get out. I need air!"
"This" is day one of buddy training.
It wasn't an invitation, I was trying to be nice, and I chose coffee as a convenient excuse because I knew he didn't need any more coffee - but Buddy invited himself along anyway.
Fine.
I've been holding back all day. I have been keeping the conversation on point: Training oriented jargon; Lots of acronyms. I have not recounted funny anecdotes from my vacation. I have not made small talk. Just the facts.
So we're standing in the elevator lobby, not saying anything, and Buddy, just to be saying something, I guess, says
"I had surgery this weekend...I actually got a staph infection. It's the kind you only get in hosptials."
[Pause]
"It's resistant to like 90% of medicine, so they gave me two antibiotics to take and the it's been making me feel really sick the past few days."
So, your slimy staph-infected surgery wound wants to come with me to Dunkin' Donuts? I don't think so, Buddy. I'm going to to CVS for some hand sanitizer, stat.
-t
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Softball Wrap-Up
I believe Blogger dropped my last wrap-up post, apologies if you're reading this twice.
We lost our last game of the season (got smoked, actually), but overall were very encouraged by our improvement as a team.
I finished the season with a .625 batting average (up from .500 last year) and with three doubles and a triple, an OPS of 1.418.
I think, if the roster stays pretty much the same all we'd need to do to push us over the hump and into the playoffs is add one really good bat. I'm going to draft an email to Barry Bonds' agent - he's looking for something to do, right?
-t
We lost our last game of the season (got smoked, actually), but overall were very encouraged by our improvement as a team.
I finished the season with a .625 batting average (up from .500 last year) and with three doubles and a triple, an OPS of 1.418.
I think, if the roster stays pretty much the same all we'd need to do to push us over the hump and into the playoffs is add one really good bat. I'm going to draft an email to Barry Bonds' agent - he's looking for something to do, right?
-t
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Buddy Coach -or- How The Hell Did I Get Roped Into This
This Buddy Coach thing is dumb. Duh-umb.
And I don't mind telling you this after spending only about an hour and fifteen minutes (total) with my "buddy" (note the quotation marks) over the last five days.
First, an hour for small talk and get-to-know-you chit-chat over watered-down coffee and stale pastry last Friday (handily scheduled on the busiest day of the month for processing) that could have been handled, no problem, in fifteen minutes, or, if you include name tags, three minutes.
After covering what floor our team is on and what time to show up for work he proceeded with the small talk.
I hate small talk.
"So," my "buddy" says, unprompted, "I'm originally from Salisbury, Massachusetts."
Ok, I think to myself, as I sip from my lukewarm cup of coffee, you were born local, moved away, I can probably have the rest of this conversation in my head.
"Do you know Salisbury? Near Ipswich? So, anyway, I'm originally from Salisbury, but I moved to Newburyport."
Cripes! Newburyport? FROM SALISBURY? You know how he said it? He said it like "I was born in New York, but at sixteen I really felt like I needed to see the world, so I jumped on a steamer to Bombay and backpacked across the Indian subcontinent." Newburyport is FIVE MILES from Salisbury! Wait, wait, let me google map this... TWO POINT FOUR MILES
View Larger Map
This is, mind you, five minutes after meeting this kid for the first time.
"But I'm thinking about moving closer to the city, like, Gloucester, maybe. So I'm only forty-five minutes from Boston."
Whoa. Hang on there buddy. You have just blown my mind. You're talking about expanding your little circle of habitation to a whopping seven-mile radius? You're really seeing the world.
I hate training. I didn't volunteer for this. I stopped babysitting when I stopped needing pocket money for baseball cards.
This kid is supposed to sit with me for another four hours Friday afternoon. Luckily, I'll be taking a half day to fly to Alabama.
Wow, I'm looking forward to going to Alabama in the middle of July.
Basically, I'd rather die from heat stroke than sit with this kid. I guess that antipathy is a good sign for you blog readers.
-t
And I don't mind telling you this after spending only about an hour and fifteen minutes (total) with my "buddy" (note the quotation marks) over the last five days.
First, an hour for small talk and get-to-know-you chit-chat over watered-down coffee and stale pastry last Friday (handily scheduled on the busiest day of the month for processing) that could have been handled, no problem, in fifteen minutes, or, if you include name tags, three minutes.
After covering what floor our team is on and what time to show up for work he proceeded with the small talk.
I hate small talk.
"So," my "buddy" says, unprompted, "I'm originally from Salisbury, Massachusetts."
Ok, I think to myself, as I sip from my lukewarm cup of coffee, you were born local, moved away, I can probably have the rest of this conversation in my head.
"Do you know Salisbury? Near Ipswich? So, anyway, I'm originally from Salisbury, but I moved to Newburyport."
Cripes! Newburyport? FROM SALISBURY? You know how he said it? He said it like "I was born in New York, but at sixteen I really felt like I needed to see the world, so I jumped on a steamer to Bombay and backpacked across the Indian subcontinent." Newburyport is FIVE MILES from Salisbury! Wait, wait, let me google map this... TWO POINT FOUR MILES
View Larger Map
This is, mind you, five minutes after meeting this kid for the first time.
"But I'm thinking about moving closer to the city, like, Gloucester, maybe. So I'm only forty-five minutes from Boston."
Whoa. Hang on there buddy. You have just blown my mind. You're talking about expanding your little circle of habitation to a whopping seven-mile radius? You're really seeing the world.
I hate training. I didn't volunteer for this. I stopped babysitting when I stopped needing pocket money for baseball cards.
This kid is supposed to sit with me for another four hours Friday afternoon. Luckily, I'll be taking a half day to fly to Alabama.
Wow, I'm looking forward to going to Alabama in the middle of July.
Basically, I'd rather die from heat stroke than sit with this kid. I guess that antipathy is a good sign for you blog readers.
-t
Monday, July 07, 2008
My Buddy And Me
Buddy Coach Meeting
Hello All,
Congratulations on being selected to be a Buddy Coach for a 2008 Summer Orientee! Attached, you will find the Orientee agenda, a Buddy Coach checklist and an article on the Buddy Coach System. Please bring all three of these to our meeting.
[attach: buddysystem.doc; buddychecklist.pdf; Julart.doc]
What's going on here? Did I sign up to participate in the buddy program? Did I even know the buddy program existed? Is the company afraid their newly-hired college graduates are going to accidentally fall out of the canoe?
We are asking for all of the Buddy Coaches to attend a quick 15 minute meeting on Monday to explain the following:
-your role
-your Supervisor's role
-the agenda
-Day 4 (all day), Day 6 (afternoon) and Day 11 (afternoon) on the agenda. HAVE A PLAN.
-answer any questions or concerns you may have.
Thank you for your cooperation and continued support with the Onboarding to Excellence Program, please be prompt.
My role? In the buddy system? "Hold hands with your buddy and make sure he doesn't drown or get lost on the elevator" Really?
A small excerpt from the FOUR PAGE cover letter:
The Making of a Good Buddy
The most appropriate buddy would:
(1) want to be a buddy
(2) be proud of the organization
(3) be well-regarded and accepted by other employees
(4) be a positive role model
(5) be of compatible age, education, temperment, etc, with the new employee
(6) be employed by the organization less than one year
(7) have patience
Based on the above criteria - base on, in fact, the FIRST of the above criteria, I would not make a good buddy, as I certainly do NOT want to be a buddy.
I also have some problems with meeting criteria 2 (not proud),6 (over a year), and 7 (zero patience); and additionally, (5), how the hell am I supposed to know if my age/education/temperment is compatible before I've me the orientee?
At minimum, the buddy should:
(1) Show the orientee around and introduce them to others
(2) Show them where to get equipment and supplies
(3) Go to lunch together the first few days
(4) Provide an open atmosphere for questions
(5) Offer encouragement
I've only got two problems with this list. (1) I don't know anyone's name. I don't care to learn them. I'm not even going to learn the name of my buddy. And, (3) I don't eat lunch when I'm at work. I get a cup of coffee in the morning, and that's it, I work through closing. I don't have time to take lunch, I certainly don't have time to take somebody else to lunch. And if they really wanted us to eat outside the building and get to know each other they could give me a company card, at least, right? I might make time if lunch was already paid for.
The buddy is a resource for questions beyond the org-chart: Whom should I watch out for? What are the potential land mines? What are the "sacred cows"? Where is the nearest restroom? What issues are not questioned in this organizational culture?
Potential land mines? Asking me about "sacred cows." Whom to watch out for? Me. I'm the guy to watch out for. Ask me about 'questioning issues in this organizational culture,' and then try finding a restroom with your nose cupped in your hands to keep blood from dripping on your first-day-of-work outfit.
I didn't ask for this. I'm resigning as buddy coach. A pre-emptory retirement.
Remember, a buddy is the new employee's first workplace friend!
Fuck that noise.
-t
I Did It! One Thousand Posts!
Celebrate! I am now the proud author of one thousand posts! Woo!
I had planned an elaborate party with streamers, noise-makers, some animated .gifs, but that's a lot of work, and we all know, that's just not my style.
Speaking of work. I thought it would be fun to kick of the next thousand posts with a small rant about a dumb office policy.
Stay tuned.
-t
1000
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