Won't Go Home

I started this job about four months ago. For the majority of that time I've been trying to figure out what, exactly, is wrong with my coworkers.

Today I might have hit upon something important.

They have strange eating habits. They eat, like, all the time.

Ok, disclosure, it might be me with the weird eating habits, and they seem different only by comparison, but that's why you're here, to act as impartial arbiters. I'm so glad I started this blog.

Anyway. They eat all the time. Maybe I should give you a quick run down of my day, just so you know what I'm comparing them to:

Factors of Importance in Tom's Day-to-day Life:

Sleep - I have a deep affinity for sleep - perhaps a preternatural affinity. If given the opportunity I would sleep fourteen hours a day, unfortunately, work and prime time television conspire to limit me to around seven or eight hours a night. But, it's very important. So important, in fact, that I would rather sleep an extra fifteen minutes in the morning than sacrifice that time to wake earlier and eat breakfast or make a lunch. Ideally I could roll out of bed fully-dressed and showered and head out to work.

Food - In order of importance Food comes right behind Sleep. I miss breakfast sometimes, but almost never miss lunch, which I usually eat at about 12:30PM - or, about four and one-half hours after I wake up in the morning. I usually eat dinner near seven o'clock, or about six hours after lunch.

Money - If I were made of money I would never miss breakfast. In fact, I would probably have it catered. But, as I'm not made of money, on those days I do sleep late and skip breakfast I do wrestle with a choice once I get to work: buy a breakfast sandwich and coffee; or, not. It averages about fifty-fifty (though, due to recent heart palpitations, and a bout with "crazy eyes," I've been staying away from caffeine). On days I do grab something to eat it's usually near ten o'clock, which pushes lunch back an additional hour or so, because I don't like to crowd my meals.

Not Dealing With Stupid or Aggravating People - This is really outside my control. It's necessary to interact with people everyday, and there are a lot of stupid ones out there.


In general it's: Sleep a lot, work, eat lunch, work, go home, eat dinner, sleep.

So, to get back to the thing that I noticed this morning as I returned to work with my Dunkin' Donuts breakfast sandwich and (decaffeinated) coffee.

They eat all the time - constantly.

It bothered me from the beginning of my tenure here that my coworkers never left the office. They would come in early, they would work all day, and they would stay late - much later than I was willing to stay - every day, for no discernible reason.

"Don't they have homes?" I would think to myself? "Aren't they shelling out half of their paychecks for rent on a apartment in the city? If you're paying that much for a place to live, why wouldn't you want to spend time there?"

Because that's the thing: Not only did they not leave, they acted like they didn't want to leave!

And this is what I'm struggling to understand. Presumably these people have lives outside of work. Girlfriends, school friends, roommates, hobbies, whatever. Why spend more time in the office than necessary? The work isn't exciting, it isn't rewarding, it isn't fun. They seem to hate managers as much as anyone I've worked with in the past, it's not a sense of camaraderie. I don't get it.

So, rather than try and divine a solution to this problem, I've decided, instead, to observe, try and note discrepancies, oddities, and compile them, hopeful they'll add up to something that will unlock this mystery.

And today I noticed, that they eat, a lot.

I don't mean they eat large quantities of food. I mean they eat small quantities almost constantly.

I arrive in the morning, they're already here, some munching on energy or protein bars, some with enormous cups of coffee, some with breakfast cereal in bowls and spoons they brought in from home. This goes on for about an hour and a half.

Then it's lunchtime. Lunch! At ten-thirty! Sometimes as late as eleven! Crazy! Folks, I'm not even awake at ten-thirty, nevermind hungry for the second meal of the day!

They eat lunch. Some go out to local eateries (designated by the day of the week, "Qdoba Thursdays," "Wendy's Wednesdays")

Mid-afternoon, an hour or so after lunch they run out "for a snack." And down to 7-11 they go for Cracker Jack, or those gross taquitos things, or assorted Frito-Lay chips.

Then they start to eat dinner! Start.

They have Tupperware containers, or Ziploc containers, or Gladware containers full of chicken and rice, or spaghetti and meatballs, or turkey, peas, mashed potatoes and gravy.

And they eat a little of it, then reseal it, and put it back in the fridge for later.

It's now about four-thirty. They work for an hour, take their dinners out, heat them up, and keep working while they eat!

We're now at least an hour past quittin' time! They're just settling in!!Why????

I don't understand. I get up, eat three (ish) meals a day and want to get out of work as soon as humanly possible.

These guys, it's like they're camping out! GO HOME, YOU LOSERS!

-t