The Taxidermy Analogy

Earlier (here) I said I wasn't going to post about work.

Since then I've changed my mind. Because I have been staring at this email all day long, at the top of my inbox, and I must vent the ever-increasing frustration lest I explode. (That happens to me sometimes.)

First (because I can't resist), a little background:
characters: The Senior Manager, The Lazy Manager, Me, and The New Fund

June:

• The New Fund is introduced.
  
• The Senior Manager begins working with the client to set up the fund by month end.

July:

• I am introduced to the new fund with a tree diagram and a hearty "Someday, this will all be yours"
  
• Neither myself, nor my lazy manager, receive any instruction or training on the new fund.
  
• The Senior Manager continues to work with the client to set up the fund which is, at this point, almost halfway completed
  
• I receive no training whatsoever, I lose the tree diagram.
  

August:

• The Senior Manager continues the set up the new fund.
  
• I get a new tree diagram. No training.
  
• The Senior Manager quits.
  
• The fund setup halts, I go on vacation, the workshirk manager says he will finish setup and process daily activity while I am away.
  
• I return from vacation, the lazy manager says "I didn't even look at the fund at all."

Ok. Caught up? Good.

Yesterday afternoon on my first day back from vacation the lackaday manager tells me to tie out one of the six branches of the tree diagram.

I spend three hours trying to download the reports from the prior week that the lazy manager was supposed to download. The reports are no longer available.

I spend another hour pouring over a giant spreadsheet of the year-to-date activity trying to sort out the entries that were effective last week.

I fail.

This morning I tried again.
Failed again. And sent the following email at, clock this: 11:25AM:

From: OurHero,Tom@workisstupid.company
To:LazyIndolentManager@donothing.company
Subject: New Fund Cash Reconcilliation

The New Fund cash is not tied. Right now the recon is off by $176,845.36

I don’t know what entries to look for to find the difference, which reports to find those entries on, or if those reports are among the unavailable ones that should have been downloaded last week.

-Tom

Ok. That's not crazy, right? Maybe I sound a little upset, but I certainly feel that's warranted. Not the point. The point is I received this response from the lazy manager at exactly 11:26AM:

From:IndolentManager@lazy.com
To:Tom@isthegreatestbloggerever.com
Subject:New Fund Cash Reconcilliation

I’ll get back to you on this, I have a meeting with the VP.


That's it. The whole email. I have received nothing since from him or anyone else. No follow up, no new emails to distract, nothing.

That email has been sitting at the top of my inbox, open-ended, for FIVE HOURS.

The last time this fund tied out was July 31st. The Senior Manager Who Quit handled it then. It is somehow my responsibility to tie out the entire fund (all six tree-diagram brances) for the entire month of August, and then prepare the monthly reporting by FRIDAY.

It is an impossible task. Imagine yourself a newly hired taxidermist. Your only related experience in the field comes from burying your pet guinea pig when you were six. You are told that you will be trained in the art of taxidermy over the next two months, then given small animals to practice on before, gradually and with constant supervision, moving up to the larger game.

The next day you are handed a knife and dumped unceremoniously in the middle of the African Savanah amid herds of antelope, roaming lions, and a rhinoceros, with the words "Get to work."

I don't even know which hand to hold the knife in! Five hours. wtf.

-t