Tell me you know how to work a printer.
I don’t mean Office Space “what the fuck does PC load letter mean?” printers (even though pc load letter means the printer is out of paper, moron), I mean, you know, having the ability to read.
Three times today. Three times.
Thing the first:
The stupid kid comes up to me this morning, wearing the absolute brightest pink shirt I think it is humanly possible to manufacture, I’m talking a supernova of brightness radiating from this very bright, very pink, very bright shirt (with dark green pants and black shoes), and says, “You know those interest lines I asked you about last week? Well, they’re still out there.”
So I say “You told me last week that those lines tied to the payments, all you have to do is let the kid on the other side of the floor know they match and he’ll clear the lines.”
And he replies “Um, ok, but, uh, could you check them – the lines – and see if they’re really tied?”
They don’t.
Mutual funds buy securities, the securities accrue interest, and that interest is paid to the mutual fund on a determined date. We track the security, the days accrued, and the interest rate to calculate the expected payment. Then, we get paid. Simple.
To check if the interest line matches the payment you check the interest line function. To check the payment you check the interest received function.
Two screens. Two numbers. Are they equal, or not? SIMPLE.
If the payment matches the accrual, we clear the line and take in the money. If not, then it’s my job to do the research, determine what went wrong, and fix it. My job gets a little harder when the stupid kid tells me things are clear and I believe him. So really, is the mistake his fault? Or, is it my fault for not checking his work because I assumed he had the comprehensive power to compare two numbers? I leave that to you.
The second thing:
Securities accrue in one of three ways
-30/360 – payments are calculated as if there were thirty days in each month and three hundred sixty days in the year.
-act/360 – payments calculated based on the actual number of days in the month and as if there were three hundred sixty days in the year.
-act/act – payments calculated based on the actual number of days in the month and the actual number of days in the year.
The stupid kid asked me if it was ok that something booked “act/365” was correct because it should be “actual/actual,’ with the actual number of days in the year.
Turns out that yes, it was booked correctly, because 365 is the actual number of days in the year.
Don’t forget, this is the kid who couldn’t remember if there were 52 or 54 weeks in the year. He thinks it’s 52, but it might be 54, like a deck of cards.
Three:
The stupid kid came over to my desk at the close of the day, people are running around trying to finish funds. “Hey, um,” he said, “I just wanted to let you know I think the printer is broken or something. It’s flashing a message on the screen.”
The message was “PC load letter.”
No, not really, but I know you were all hoping it was. You were sitting there wishing, with all your might, that the stupid kid did not, can not, understand “PC load letter.”
“Come on, Tom, have you, please, please, set this post up with the mention of Office Space, and the title, and our previous knowledge of the stupid kid, please tell me that’s the message he got.” That’s what you were thinking.
Sorry to disappoint, but we have nicer printers:
“Printer is out of paper.”
6 comments:
I have people like this in my office, but the worst offender has an excuse: she's 900 years old. Unfortunately, this means that using a computer is a daily nightmare for her, and by association, for me. Someone with more patience than I have came into our cube the other day (yes, we share a cube and I ended up with the critchety research analyst) and was explaining why something was faster because you could use Ctrl+F.
First of all: she's been doing this task for years and has been using the wrong tools.
Second of all: she's a RESEARCH analyst who doesn't default to Ctrl+F.
Third of all: this is the 18th time i've explained or heard this explained to her.
So I bailed the cube.
Then today, the woman who was explaining this to the old lady sent me a screen shot with an error message.
I told her to read the instructions I had written.
She had another error.
I went over to her computer. The pop up box (which I built) asked her for ticker. She was entering CompanyID.
So, Tom, you are not the only one who works with illiterate people.
Would you like to start a company? The no illiterate people allowed company. It's a brilliant business model.
I'm worried that my IT guy writes posts like this about me.
this post told me more than i ever want to know about mutual funds. shame on you tom.
that's only because you've skimmed the other posts that explain mutual funds.
this one kept it short.
skimmer.
you know i don't think i even knew you worked with mutual funds until this post, where you say mutual funds more than once (twice to be exact). i don't know if that makes me a bad friend or an excellent skimmer. maybe a little bit of both.
and don't think i learned anything about your job from this post. just because i SAW the word "mutual" doesn't mean i READ the post. Actually, "mutual" is the universal trigger word for "skim".
i'm not ashamed i am a skimmer. i consider it an art and me, i am the artist.
i just totally took over your blog. sorry. oh yeah, and I'm not an IT guy... it's just that bad. tom: want to get a beer sometime? i work down the street and we can talk about how much we hate the stupid kid. i'm sure i'd hate him too.
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