Ranting. Because I don't do that nearly as much as I should, not nearly enough...

I hate them because they’re morons, and because they do not have any quality that makes me not hate them.

For example, if I had a moronic family member, I would not hate them. The familial bond would lead, instead, to a desire to teach them, to help them understand. This would also work if we played on the same sports team, if they had a cute sister, or if we’d fought in a war together.

None of these people are family.

They do not understand, or, they do not choose to appreciate causal relationships. They say things like “My fund doesn’t want to tie out.”

FUNDS DO NOT HAVE DESIRES. They do not express emotions, they are not conscious. “My computer doesn’t want to work.” WHAT THE HELL IS THAT. Computers do not get “temperamental”,” it’s probably just dust.

Simple equations. This is sixth grade math. Securities accrue at a given rate for a given time period. A times B divided by C. “I can’t find the rate for today, if I just use yesterday’s rate, does it matter?” OF COURSE IT MATTERS YOU DOPE. Sixth grade math.

I would teach sixth graders. I would probably enjoy teaching six graders. They have an excuse. They’re kids. Kids are stupid. That’s their default.

But these morons that I work with have GRADUATED FROM COLLEGE. I do not understand how. They do not have an excuse. College graduates with a major in ECONOMICS should be able to handle sixth grade math.

Percentages. Hey, what’s the interest earned, per day, on a million shares fixed at three percent over three hundred sixty-five days?

DOES THAT SOUND TOO COMPLICATED FOR A COLLEGE GRADUATE? They have freaking calculators on their desks, and on their operating systems, there’s a great program we use here called EXCEL for crying out loud, ONE OF THEM EVEN HAS A DIGITAL CALCULATOR WATCH.

By the way that’s $82.19 a day in interest.

How are you able to argue the merits of communism versus the merits of capitalism AND NOT BE ABLE TO MULTIPLY.

Am I way out of line here? No. Is it totally unreasonable to expect college graduates to be able to perform at least as well as your average sixth grader? No. Trained monkeys could do this job.

Now, could I train the monkeys to do the job? No. Because I’m not a monkey trainer. BUT THAT IS WHAT THIS JOB IS NOW.

Hypermanager: “If you accrue your fund Friday how many days is that?”
The stupid kid: “One?”
Hypermanager: “Yes, very good. Now you accrue your fund through Saturday and Sunday, how many more days is that?”
The stupid kid: “…, …,”
Hypermanager: “How many days?”
The stupid kid: “Well, I guess I don’t have the correct answer.”

THE ANSWER IS TWO YOU MORON.

This isn’t hyperbole. This is not exaggeration. THAT EXCHANGE ACTUALLY TOOK PLACE THIS MORNING NEXT TO MY CUBICLE.

I’m afraid. I’m afraid to get a new job. What if it’s worse out there?

I hate being the smartest guy in the room.

-t