Peddling Influence

I have to say that in my experience writing is a very personal thing – and when I say “personal” I mean “selfish.” Maybe just me? Fine. I’m a selfish guy. I admit it. In fact, I’m pretty sure I admitted it like the last time I posted.

Anyway, I like writing about me. I really like people who like reading about me. Because I’m the center of the universe. Or should be.

Ideally, I’d like the gain enough influence that I can not just affect, but direct, thousands of people. I want the kind of clout Paris Hilton has. I say “it’s cold,” you say “it’s cold.” You follow? Good.

So, to further my quest for power, and respect, and influence, I think I need to take a couple steps:

Get Linked: It’s easier to get a following when more people listen to you, so if more people link to this site, my audience will grow (by leaps and bounds, probably, because I’m such a talent), after the audience is big enough…

Dupe the audience: It sounds cynical, but it’s true: people are sheep. I know, I know, you’re reading this now thinking “I’m not a sheep.” but you are. You’re my sheep. – Hang on, maybe I don’t want sheep. I want to totally direct and control the audience…ok, I’m changing animals, from now on I’m thinking of you as lemmings, and I’m the head of the lemming pack who says “HEY! I’ve got a great idea! Let’s all go for a swim!!” and then point to the water so everybody takes off. Then I sit back in my little lemming beach chair sipping coconut rum and laughing while you all plunge over the cliff side.

Repeat: Obviously, if I send my whole audience to their (metaphorical) deaths (metaphorically, I swear. I would never tell you to actually jump into the ocean (unless I thought I could get you to do it…(because then I would really consider it, long and hard))) then I’ll have to get a new audience. (ha! Did you have trouble following that sentence? Fragments? Split participles or infinitives? Terrible grammar? IT’S ALL PART OF THE DRAW, BABAY!)

So, I’m a big fan of step one, because I don’t have to do anything.
I’m a big fan of step two because that’s where I actually exercise all this power you (the audience) have given me.

Sincerely,

Tom : )