Tweedle Dum

Now, “hate” is a word I toss around freely. I hate lots of stuff. I hate books that suck but are popular and best-sellers anyway (davinci code), I hate sappy tv shows (extreme makeover home edition), I even hate entire television networks (lifetime).

But I really hate the new guy.

When I started I had a lot of free time. I would sometimes sit at my desk for four hours at a time with nothing to do. I started a blog. What I did not do was walk around telling anyone I met that I had four hours of free time at a stretch. I especially didn’t start talking to people if I didn’t know who they were, and how high up they were on the corporate ladder.

Not this new guy though. He’s got no compunctions about that at all. Not one. He will talk to anybody, and does. For example: Friday, on the booze cruise, I was talking to a group of managers and senior managers on the boat. A few of them were a little drunk, a few of them were telling stories about other senior managers that really should not have been repeated. The new guy walks up. He starts talking about the four hours of free time he has a day, about how he can handle seven or eight more funds, wondering why they don’t fire half of the people in the department, and just double the workload for the half they keep. After all, he’s still have two hours of free time a day, right?

Now, I may be naïve, but I’m not stupid. I had four hours of free time and I figured, suspected, thought that maybe, as I was there longer, I’d get more to do. Which is exactly what happened. After two months I was working on a whole bunch of funds, and had much less free time. This new guy, though, he’s stupid. He didn’t ask who people were, he didn’t wonder if he was talking to “important people,” he didn’t wonder if talking about all his free time would make the group look bad, like we aren’t giving him enough work, or that we don’t know how to train people. He just started talking. So now there are “important” people who think my group doesn’t know what it’s doing. Which, in a way, is true. Because if we’re hiring stupid people we’re doing something wrong.

Today the manager of another group was walking past the new guy’s cubicle. The manager was carrying a toothbrush and toothpaste.

Stop. Think: Why would someone be carrying a toothbrush and toothpaste? Take your time. No hurry.
If you guessed “because he was brushing his teeth” you’d be right! Congratulations. Now pick door number one or number two.

The new guy asked what the toothbrush was for, no kidding.
[NG]    Why do you have a toothbrush?
[Man.]  I just brushed my teeth.
[NG]    Oh, do you always brush your teeth?
[Man.]  Yes. That’s why I keep a toothbrush here in the office.
[NG]    Oh. So it’s not just for today.
[Man.]  …No.

Maybe it’s because he’s from Vermont. Maybe it’s because he just rejects this perception of reality, and is working from a whole different perspective.
But I think it’s because he’s just stupid.

Also, one of the girls in the group thinks the new guy is gay, and that he has a thing for me.

-t