On ending relationships (with the opposite sex)

The West Campus Heartbreaker. That's a nickname Donny likes to kid me with. I picked it up last year. When I was breaking hearts, left and right, in west campus. Seriously, I could have had t-shirts made. It was never a goal, but it seemed to be an inevitable outcome. Why must I be so attractive to the opposite sex (females)? Sure I'm charming, handsome, funny, intelligent, modest, and some (very few) girls have wanted to date me - but why must it always end in heartbreak?

I'll tell you why. I'll tell you why because I think I've just figured it out. If you'd've asked me before, I would not have been able to tell you, now, I have a theory: I have problems. Mental ones. Psychological problems. I am driven to destroy relationships.

It's like this:
1. boy meets girl,
2. boy and girl find each other attractive,
3. girl thinks she wants to date boy,
4. boy (me) goes out of his way to be a jerk.
5. girl hates boy.
6. boy is vindicated.

See, because I've got it in my head that any relationship that is meant to be should hold up under strain. I therefore put undue strain on the relationship, and, if it survives, then clearly it was meant to be. (none have survived). It's very simple - if it was meant to be, then me acting like a jerk wouldn't be enough to stop it from happening.

But it gets better. I mean, hey, I'm sure a lot of guys have acted like jerks at some point, and they've still landed the steady girlfriend, here's where my biggest compulsion comes into play. I take the steps - I am compelled - to take the steps necessary to ensure that the relationship is so damaged, so overwhelmed by my ability to be a horrible human being that it can never, ever be salvaged. Like the time I thought I was being nice and sent a letter to this girl I liked, and it was so creepy she thought I was stalking her and almost called her three brothers to find me and beat me to death. (she didn't, but came very, very close). Or the time when just as this girl I was hanging out with was about to ask about "us" when I told her I really liked this other girl who wasn't her, or the topper, which many of you have heard about, when I told a girl I'd been seeing a couple weeks quote: "I feel nothing" That one got the entire staff turned against me, I didn't have a conversation with any of them for about four months.

I drive breakups into the ground. This is not an apology. This is an explanation. Sorry.

-Tom
recommended download:
Cowboy Mouth, How Do You Tell Someone


"Call me old fashioned, but I like a dump to be as memorable as it is devastating."
-Bender, Futurama