My favorite is #10, hands down:
10. Someday someone may kill you with your own gun, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty.
But there are lots of other good tips, like "The faster you finish the fight, the less shot you will get."
I've amended some of the rules for application to a number of other activities.
Pillowfight:
1. Forget about pajamas, sheets, and blankets. Bring a pillow. Preferably, bring at least two pillows. Bring all of your friends who have pillows. Bring four times the pillows you think you could ever need.
Eating Contest:
8. If you are not chewing, you should be swallowing, communicating, and running. Yell "Fire!" Why "Fire"? Cops will come with the Fire Department, sirens often scare off the sea gulls, or at least cause then to lose concentration and will.... and who is going to summon help if you yell "Hot Dog," "Ketchup" or "Worchestire?"
Porn Shoot:
6. If you can choose what to bring to a porn shoot, bring a semi or full-automatic long "gun" and a friend with a long "gun."
Raptor attack:
18. Watch their hands. Hands kill. Smiles, frowns and other facial expressions don't. Also watch their teeth. Teeth kill. Also, razor sharp foot claws kill.
Staring Contest:
26. Practice staring in the dark, with someone shouting at you, when out of breath, etc.
27. Regardless of whether justified of not, you will feel sad about staring at another human being. It is better to be sad than to be room temperature.
Living with OCD:
2. Anything worth cleaning is worth cleaning twice. Disinfectant is cheap - life is expensive. If you clean inside, a mop and bucket is your friend. Pine-Sol is cheap - funerals are expensive.
Spelling Bee:
24. Do not attend a spelling bee with a word in common usage, the number of syllables of which is not anything smaller than "4".
Making Out:
9. Accuracy is relative: most make out standards will be more dependent on "pucker factor" than the inherent accuracy of the tongue.
Debate:
3. The only thing worse than a drawl is a slow drawl.
7. In ten years nobody will remember the details of grammar, sentence structure, or speech impediments. They will only remember who lived.
Small Business Management:
25. Use a employee that works EVERY TIME. At a practice session, throw you employee into the mud, then make sure it still works. You can clean it later.
Bodyguard Carrying Contest:
16. Don't drop your guard.
Parent-Teacher Meeting:
21. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet if necessary, because they may want to kill you.
Any other suggestions for the gunfighting rules?
-t
7 comments:
The parent-teacher meeting might be my favorite :)
Right. The last two rules haven't been changed, I just provided alternate scenarios.
-t
Bodyguard carrying contest was cute, but I agree with mance01. The parent-teacher meeting is the best of the lot.
Amusing list. Thanks for making me smile.
Hilarious! Very creative. I loved it. Now I'm glad I read the whole gunfight list. ;-)
Wedding photography
2. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Memory cards are cheap - re-assembling the entire family is expensive.
Break-ups
5. Move away from your ex and go to cover. Distance is your friend. (Bulletproof cover and diagonal or lateral movement are preferred.)
Is the parent-teacher meeting advice for the parent or the teacher? My advice to teachers is always have a positive spin to your negative comments. Say, "You're daughter is very social and well-liked." instead of "You're daughter will be pregnant within the year, and she won't know who's the father."
yeah, that would be a great parent-teacher conference, "you're daughter's a whore! kthnxbai"
Post a Comment