First ham; then bacon; now, spontaneous regrowth of human extremeties. Is there nothing the pig cannot accomplish?
A man slices off own finger while building model
This feat marks a long-awaited and exciting rebirth of the long-forgotten pseudo-science of miracle cure-all powders. Pull out that vial of powdered-rhino horn you've kept stashed in that trunk in your attic, it probably cures diabetes! Curbside peddlers take note: Powdered animal bladder has been proven to work, and the sky's the limit for the next wunder-snuff! Powdered duck galbladders! Pulverized meerkat kidneys! Chicken lungs aren't just for Chicken McNuggets anymore!
Expect a boom in mystery exlirs, salves, and ointments in the coming years, invest wisely. It's only a matter of time before the next Bill Gates makes his fortune crushing dehydrated aardvark intestines, and you'll want in on the ground floor!
In five years everyday expressions "like watching paint dry" could be replaced by "like watching limbs regenerate."
And it's not too great a leap to posit a breakthough in computer science allowing the ability to download a lifetime of memories to portable bio-computer leading to the entire human population plugging in and eternally regrowing host bodies for millenia, ushering in an epoch of peace and exploration the universe has never experienced! Get ready Milky Way! Johnny Mnemonic isn't just a pipedream anymore!
Nothing quite captures the imagination like immortality, with a side of bacon. Welcome, readers, to the new world.
-t
* - Editor's note:
Originally reported, hilariously, as "model guillotine."
Corrected to read, confusingly, "model airplane."
How the hell do you lop off a fingertip with nothing but cheap plastic and crazy glue?[back]
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