Mr. Sandman and I are gonna have a long talk the next time I see him...

WHAT A DREAM I HAD LAST NIGHT! Man it was great, in that “man, that dream was so freaky I’m going to remember it for a really, really long time in a very creepy way” sort of way.

So. I think what prompted this was a conversation I had with my friend Kate, she’s moving to a new apartment. This conversation reminded me about the last time I was in her current apartment: I crashed there after a night of heavy drinking. So, that became the setting of my dream. Now, since none of you have seen Kate’s apartment I want you to instead picture instead a person you know named Kate, and that person’s apartment, as the setting of my dream, because, as you will later see, the description and layout of the apartment is immaterial to the important parts of the dream.

So. I’m sleeping on the couch in Kate’s apartment (picture your friend Kate’s apartment with a couch that I could fit on). And I wake up, it’s morning. And I go to the bathroom to brush my teeth. And I’m a little blurry-eyed (probably from being super tired and also hungover) and I reach for my toothbrush, and a tube of some name-brand toothpaste, Crest maybe, it’s light blue and there are sparkles or some stupid gimmick. And, without really looking I put some on my toothbrush and start brushing my teeth.

Ok, this is the good part of the dream coming up. I just wanted to warn you so you can put down whatever you’re doing before you read on…

So I’m brushing, and I’m realizing this toothpaste is bad. It doesn’t taste bad, but it’s…dry, sort of…paste-y. So I look at the tube, and in one glance I see that it’s expired, and that there are tiny little spiders living in the toothpaste. TINY SPIDERS IN THE EXPIRED TOOTHPASTE! Can you believe it?

So, my brain, accustomed as it is to figuring things out, offers an explanation in my dream state: Clearly these little spider eggs were in the toothpaste and it was ok to brush with it as long as they were still eggs, but after the expiration date those little eggs hatched to become spiders. Which were now crawling all over my teeth.

Ok, here’s how the dream ended:

I started to get freaked out because there were thousands of tiny spiders in my toothpaste, and then I thought “well…I’m bigger than they are.” And finished brushing my teeth totally UNCONCERNED about the spiders that may or may not be crawling around inside my stomach and esophagus.

That’s when I woke up for real.

-t


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