Governance

Good government never depends upon laws, but on the personal qualities of those who govern. The machinery of government is always subordinate to the will of those who administer that machinery. The most important element of government, therefore, is the method of choosing leaders.

-Law and Governance       
  The Spacing Guild Manual

Some new movies, and the reason I won't be seeing them:

With the summer movie season upon us and a spat of new releases, you may find yourself on the fence regarding some of the heavily advertised fare. To help you over it, here are the movies I won't be paying for, and why.

Transformers - Shia LaBeouf

Indiana Jones and the City of Gods (working title) - Shia LaBeouf - Seriously, Shia, the funny sidekick thing is getting old, you did a good job in Constantine, I, Robot was tolerable, but I don't want to see you as a leading man. You're starting to slip into Zach Braff territory. Honestly it's a wonder you didn't get Justin Long's part in Live Free or Die Hard - and man, that kid needs to find another "Ed," those Mac ads will only run for so long.

Fantastic Four; Rise of the Surfer - Because I was subjected to the first one.

Evan Almighty - I'll be able to not watch it three times a week for free on TBS in three months.

Harry Potter Twenty-three (or thereabouts) - Ugh. Too much story to fit into a three hour movie, probably another bastardization of the school grounds, and you can't convince me the twins' departure can be half as funny on film as it was on paper. And they're still using the wrong Dumbledore.

I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry - Sandler played a Yankees fan in Anger Management; costars Jessica Biel.

The Bourne Ultimatum - They hijacked the titles of Robert Ludlum's best-selling franchise and jettisoned the plot, characters, mythos, and morality (also see I, Robot); They made Clive Owen a geeky, bespectacled assassin in the first one and then killed him; They killed the girl to open the second movie.

Underdog - Live-actioning a classic cartoon (See: Scooby-Doo, Rocky and Bullwinkle, Transformers); Jason Lee voices the main character.

Stardust - Probably wildly divergent from the book by Neil Gaiman (which was ok, not super); Like Gaiman needs any more money or influence. Let's talk about an author everybody hasn't heard of maybe, ok?

Rush Hour 3 - Because I'm going to buy it on dvd and watch it over and over, just like the first two.

Resident Evil Extinction - I haven't seen the first two in the series based on a video game I'm never going to play.

Knocked Up* - Because I'm way more excited for Superbad, written by the same guy, and without gratuitous birth canal footage or that guy who plays his friend with the goatee who I hate.

1408 - I've never even seen an ad for this movie - what the hell is it? Oh, riiiight, this is that horror movie with John Cusack in the hotel. Yeah, dumb.

License to Wed - Robin Williams as a priest. Jim from The Office as somebody who's not Jim from the Office. No Dwight Schrute.

Captivity - Because I'm not fourteen.

Hairspray - Travolta in drag. Do yourselves a favor and don't look at his giant man hands. It's wicked freaky.


-t

* - My girlfriend is probably going to make me go see Knocked Up (hi, Samantha!), so what can you do?

The Really Early Bird

I was so tired this morning ... (how tired were you?!)

...that I woke up early.

That's not a punchline. I was so tired I got out of bed an hour earlier than I needed to.

Early this morning, as I lay sleeping, birds started to sing, and the sun rose above the treeline, and shone directly into my eyes.

I sat up, looked at my clock, and realized it was already quarter past the hour, half an hour later than my alarm was set for!

I jumped up and ran into the shower, threw on some clothes, flipped on the news, and realized, too late now, than I was in fact, half an hour ahead of my alarm.

I'd been awakened at 7:15AM, not 7:45AM. My alarm hadn't even gone off yet.

So I watched J.A.G. until it was time to leave.

-t

Found: Great New Blog

I accidentally (thanks universalhub) found a ridiculously awesome blog.

Boston 1775: History, analysis, and unabashed gossip about the start of the American Revolution in Massachusetts.

Really, it's tons of fun. What kind of tea did they throw into Boston Harbor at the Boston Tea Party? Was it really Breed's Hill, or was it Bunker's Hill? George Washington's teeth.

-t

Won't Go Home

I started this job about four months ago. For the majority of that time I've been trying to figure out what, exactly, is wrong with my coworkers.

Today I might have hit upon something important.

They have strange eating habits. They eat, like, all the time.

Ok, disclosure, it might be me with the weird eating habits, and they seem different only by comparison, but that's why you're here, to act as impartial arbiters. I'm so glad I started this blog.

Anyway. They eat all the time. Maybe I should give you a quick run down of my day, just so you know what I'm comparing them to:

Factors of Importance in Tom's Day-to-day Life:

Sleep - I have a deep affinity for sleep - perhaps a preternatural affinity. If given the opportunity I would sleep fourteen hours a day, unfortunately, work and prime time television conspire to limit me to around seven or eight hours a night. But, it's very important. So important, in fact, that I would rather sleep an extra fifteen minutes in the morning than sacrifice that time to wake earlier and eat breakfast or make a lunch. Ideally I could roll out of bed fully-dressed and showered and head out to work.

Food - In order of importance Food comes right behind Sleep. I miss breakfast sometimes, but almost never miss lunch, which I usually eat at about 12:30PM - or, about four and one-half hours after I wake up in the morning. I usually eat dinner near seven o'clock, or about six hours after lunch.

Money - If I were made of money I would never miss breakfast. In fact, I would probably have it catered. But, as I'm not made of money, on those days I do sleep late and skip breakfast I do wrestle with a choice once I get to work: buy a breakfast sandwich and coffee; or, not. It averages about fifty-fifty (though, due to recent heart palpitations, and a bout with "crazy eyes," I've been staying away from caffeine). On days I do grab something to eat it's usually near ten o'clock, which pushes lunch back an additional hour or so, because I don't like to crowd my meals.

Not Dealing With Stupid or Aggravating People - This is really outside my control. It's necessary to interact with people everyday, and there are a lot of stupid ones out there.


In general it's: Sleep a lot, work, eat lunch, work, go home, eat dinner, sleep.

So, to get back to the thing that I noticed this morning as I returned to work with my Dunkin' Donuts breakfast sandwich and (decaffeinated) coffee.

They eat all the time - constantly.

It bothered me from the beginning of my tenure here that my coworkers never left the office. They would come in early, they would work all day, and they would stay late - much later than I was willing to stay - every day, for no discernible reason.

"Don't they have homes?" I would think to myself? "Aren't they shelling out half of their paychecks for rent on a apartment in the city? If you're paying that much for a place to live, why wouldn't you want to spend time there?"

Because that's the thing: Not only did they not leave, they acted like they didn't want to leave!

And this is what I'm struggling to understand. Presumably these people have lives outside of work. Girlfriends, school friends, roommates, hobbies, whatever. Why spend more time in the office than necessary? The work isn't exciting, it isn't rewarding, it isn't fun. They seem to hate managers as much as anyone I've worked with in the past, it's not a sense of camaraderie. I don't get it.

So, rather than try and divine a solution to this problem, I've decided, instead, to observe, try and note discrepancies, oddities, and compile them, hopeful they'll add up to something that will unlock this mystery.

And today I noticed, that they eat, a lot.

I don't mean they eat large quantities of food. I mean they eat small quantities almost constantly.

I arrive in the morning, they're already here, some munching on energy or protein bars, some with enormous cups of coffee, some with breakfast cereal in bowls and spoons they brought in from home. This goes on for about an hour and a half.

Then it's lunchtime. Lunch! At ten-thirty! Sometimes as late as eleven! Crazy! Folks, I'm not even awake at ten-thirty, nevermind hungry for the second meal of the day!

They eat lunch. Some go out to local eateries (designated by the day of the week, "Qdoba Thursdays," "Wendy's Wednesdays")

Mid-afternoon, an hour or so after lunch they run out "for a snack." And down to 7-11 they go for Cracker Jack, or those gross taquitos things, or assorted Frito-Lay chips.

Then they start to eat dinner! Start.

They have Tupperware containers, or Ziploc containers, or Gladware containers full of chicken and rice, or spaghetti and meatballs, or turkey, peas, mashed potatoes and gravy.

And they eat a little of it, then reseal it, and put it back in the fridge for later.

It's now about four-thirty. They work for an hour, take their dinners out, heat them up, and keep working while they eat!

We're now at least an hour past quittin' time! They're just settling in!!Why????

I don't understand. I get up, eat three (ish) meals a day and want to get out of work as soon as humanly possible.

These guys, it's like they're camping out! GO HOME, YOU LOSERS!

-t

Seeking Direction

Hello, readers, I'd like to ask for your help.

What's the best way to get through, or around, New York City? Ideally I'd like to avoid all traffic at all costs.

Also, no low-clearance bridges, I'll be driving a moving truck.

I'm serious. If anyone suggests the George Washington Bridge I'll track you down myself, drag you there by your hair, and pitch you into the Hudson. (GWB crosses the Hudson, right?)

Seriously, help.


Thanks,
-t

a-Fortune

Raise your hand if you own an iPod. Raise your hand if you've ever heard of one.

iTunes? What about e-mail? Do any of you use e-mail?

What I'd like to know is, what will be the next lowercase vowel to start popping up all over our lives for no reason?

It started simply enough, electronic mail became e-mail. It's shorter, it makes sense, it's catchy.

Then, maybe it got a little out of hand - "e-" became the go-to prefix for the internet age: e-mail, ebay, evite, e-trade, e-surance and so on.

And then Steve Jobs came along with his flashy new vowel and suite of software: iMac, iPod, iTunes, iLife, iPhone...

Google's now getting in on the picture with their personalized google homepage, iGoogle.

Is it getting a little ridiculous? Yes. So ridiculous, in fact, that I forsee a shift coming. The i's are out. Time for a new vowel to step up.

Get ready for u-Blog, or aCar, and oBaby, or even y-Knot. (why not? y's a vowel!)

The real question is, who do I see about trademarking those last four vowel-hypens?

The licensing will be worth billions.

-t

Soft-toss

Company softball sixth game wrap-up:

Rained out.

Company softball seventh game wrap-up:

We won. (I know! How exciting! A win! U-S-A! U-S-S-R!... I-J-L!)

Anyway. We finally matched up with a team we can play with. No power hitters, no spectacular fielders, and a pitcher that I could hit.

Oh, right, did I mention? I was hitting the ball. I went 4-4 with three singles and a double, with 2 RBI and 2 runs scored.

Final score 25-16.

Team record 1-6

Season batting average: .460

-t

Apologetically,

Hi there, readers.

My rate of posting has declined steadily since hiring on here at my job. It's all my own fault, really. First, I gave up the frustration and funny anecdotes that came with stupid coworkers, then, I gave up the cavities, apathy, and inane posts spurred by total and utter boredom that came with free soft drinks, zero mangerial oversight, and absolutely nothing to do.

I gave it all up, for this. Look around you: emptiness. Fewer than one post per week!

Zilch.

I'd like to be better. To write a bit more. To create, to contentize, contribute. And maybe I will, maybe even in the near future.

But probably not, because I'm busy all the time here.

I process an endless stream of trades from 9AM until 5:15PM everyday, and sometimes leave the office for fifteen minutes at lunch.

I'd like some free time back. If I get it there will be a corresponding increase in rate of posts.

Until then, I will try and refrain, in my too-few updates, from writing too much about the Red Sox, my company softball team, or how busy I am at work.

But whatever. It's not like you all are updating that often either.

-t

Realtor Reality?

Realtors are getting to me. I'm currently looking for an apartment in the Boston area (at this point, anywhere in Greater Boston).

First on the list, Realtors-Who-Haven't-Seen-The-Apartment-Before-Showing-It-To-Renters

Case-in-point: Cliff, a realtor, arranged to show an apartment in Malden. Upon arrival he and I waited for ten minutes outside for the homeowner to show up and unlock it. As I inspected the place Cliff wandered around marvelling at the hard wood floors and enormous closets.

I'm glad you're happy with the apartment, Cliff, but you're not the one who'll be living here. Maybe you should worry about knowing things like how much it rents for, if there's laundry available, what the parking situation is, and what sort of deposit I'll be looking at.

Why are you showing an apartment you've never set foot in before? You're the realtor, you shouldn't be asking more questions than I am. You should find out before you show the apartment.

Second, Realtors-Who-Aren't-Really-Realtors-But-More-Like-Agents-For-Big-Complexes-And-Don't-Do-Any-Work-But-Are-Happy-To-Charge-A-Full-Fee-Anyway

Like...Donna, a realtor who set up an appointment to look at a 2br place near Malden square, and five minutes prior to the appointment called to cancel and instead suggested driving "just a little ways down Lebanon street," but left out the rest of the directions "all the way to a giant apartment complex on Route 1."

Upon arriving, and realizing we'd been duped, we were led into the administrative offices of the complex by Donna who introduced us to the property manager, and then promptly sat down to remain mute and immobile for the manager's entire 45 minute presentation and tour.

Thanks Donna, we could have dispensed with you entirely by placing a direct phone call.

Third, Realtors-Who-Seem-Very-Nice-Until-You-Realize-They're-Probably-Only-Acting-Helpful-Out-Of-A-Desire-To-Maliciously-Twist-The-Knife-Into-Unsuspecting-Renters

Like Maryanne, who was contacted via email about a lovely-looking duplex in Melrose and responded Sunday afternoon with an invitation to an open house that had taken place five hours earlier on Sunday morning.

Maryanne then sent a very thoughtful follow-up email on Monday afternoon which included details about the apartment and a plethora of new photos.

When I called Marryanne Monday after reading her email she said "Oh, I just rented that apartment this morning, sorry!"

Maryanne, if you had already rented the apartment then why did you bother sending us and email with photos?

That's not cool Maryanne.

Honorable mention? Realtors who show tiny 1br apartments with no parking or laundry after you've explicitly stated you're looking for a 2br with both.

-t

Not Exactly a World Takeover Bid, But Interesting None-the-less

I posted a few weeks ago about back room politics and lamented the disappearance of cigar-smoking power brokers secrectly controlling American government.

I got some heat in the comments, but why didn't anybody link to this article?

Surprise Party

which sounds like a viable alternative. Hell, I'm on board. The gist is this:

If you’ve worked in national politics at almost any point in the last forty years, chances are things got worse, not better, on your watch. That can gnaw at you.

A condemnation of the current state of affairs - I'm intrigued...

As the evening wore on, a sense of frustration pervaded the gathering, until finally Jordan exclaimed, “Why are you guys just writing a book? Can’t we do something about this? The country is in serious trouble here!” And then came the leap...

A third party. A real third party, done in a brand new way. Online.

resolved that it would operate on the Internet. That way everyone could join the party online and participate as a delegate, helping to build the party’s platform collectively rather than ceding that task to interest groups, as both major parties tend to do. Ultimately, they hoped, these delegates would select a presidential and vice-presidential candidate in an online convention to be held in 2008

And here's my favorite part, it's got the ring of Cincinatus to it:

Bailey and his confederates envision their enterprise not as the establishment of a permanent third party but as a one-shot affair—a dose of medicine strong enough to bring the two parties to their senses. Only then, they believe, can things truly improve. In other words, they are attempting nothing less than to rescue American politics and put the country back on the right track.

Check it out. Unity08



Or, you know, write-in Gore.
-t

Warning: Don't pick on the little guy

That's it for those of you who doubted: Pedroia's a ballplayer.

Alex Rodriguez made an "unnatural baseball move" on a slide breaking up a double play last night in the Red Sox 7-3 victory over the Yankees, throwing his elbow into Dustin Pedroia's hip as Pedroia attempted a throw to first base.

Was it a cheap slide? In my opinion, no. It was a hard aggressive, yes, slightly unnatural slide, not "honorable" but not "cheap" either.

But, the nice thing about baseball is there's a proven remedy for this very thing: Throw at a guy's face.

Pedroia's post game comment (emphasis added):

"He went in late and kind of threw an elbow. It was a little cheap but no big deal. I’ll remember. I play second base. I’ve got to turn two with the Yankees 19 times a year, so I know now when he’s coming in, my (arm) slot gets dropped to the floor. That’s it."

A-Rod running toward you in the way of a throw? Aim for his head. He won't try it again.

So, here's hoping it's Pedroia, and not Schilling, who gets to deliver the message tonight.

Pedroia concluded: "He probably got carried away but it happens. He was trying to help his team win. I’m just trying to turn a double play. I’ll get killed if I have to. I’m just trying to get that out.

Alex Rodriguez was apparently not available for comment.


-t

Sox lose in NY, help Boston fans rediscover themselves

Oh thank goodness. Sox get hammered in New York, 6-2

We can all go back to being worried again. I'm telling you, I couldn't take it.

Last week I had to listen to a caller on WEEI Sports Radio complain that Pedroia was getting too much playing time. The rookie second baseman with the flashy leather work who's been hitting .400 for two weeks? Too much time?

If we're not losing to the Yankees we've got nothing to talk about! I mean come on! Schilling hasn't said something controversial in support of President Bush, or taken Bonds to task, or mouthed off at the New York fans for weeks! Weeks!

But now! Now, Wakefield's ERA is climbing back up to familiar territory, folks are starting to pay attention to Manny's demise at the plate, and we've lost our double-digit lead in the AL East.

(The only reason, btw, the lead was double digits is because we're the only team in the division playing over .500 baseball)

But now! It looks like the Yankees have pitching back! Not all the way back, I grant you, but Wang didn't look terrible last night (well, he didn't look great during the game - something like 73 pitches through three innings) but up on the scoreboard he looked just fine.

Their bullpen didn't implode. Their lineup hit multiple home runs .

We can start to worry again!

I don't know what I would have done otherwise. If we'd gone into New York and swept the series? (Well, I would have done cartwheels), but then I would have lamented the loss fear mongering and scathing criticisms from our Boston sportswriters. Radio callers suggesting wild trades, J.D. Drew bashing.

We can't run away with the division, it's not good for our psyche. We're not the Braves of the nineties.

We need the worry.

-t

Email Exchange: Company Softball Edition

This post is dedicated to Felecia, who can't get enough softball posts.

---

The Players:
Ted: our starting pitcher. Nice guy, generally counted on to come up with the bright ideas (bringing a fully-stocked cooler, bringing a grill for mid-inning barbecue)
Harry: a grizzled old veteran, our captain
Amy, Bonnie, Cara, Steve: teammates
Adam: the jackass who ran into me at second base last game

oh, and me, Tom

---

Team,

Since not everyone on the team knows eachother that well, it may be a good idea to go out sometime. I was thinking that since we could use some practice as well, we could go to Good Times Emporium in Somerville (http://www.goodtimeemporium.com/). There is a bar, batting cages, pool tables and other stuff. Let me know what you think.

-Ted

Ted,

are we talking drinking practice or batting practice?
either way - I'm in as long as its a day when I can make it

-Amy

mmmm that's tough- i don't drink and the bar scene makes me uncomfortable.......
-Cara

If I've got nothing else planned, I'll be in. Does this place offer a senior discount, if I show them my AARP card?

-Harry

well Cara maybe some drinks would bring out your 2b skills....
i'll go!!!

-Bonnie

Great idea, let's try to plan this in advance in order to accomodate all schedules in mind. A Saturday at the cages followed by ice cold pints of quality European beers would make for a nice day. Remember, life is too short to drink cheap beer.

Cheers,
-Adam

Adam - European beers are supposed to be served room temperature. Not "icy cold."
-Tom


Actually it depends if its a lager, ale...etc. But having visited a true Berlin beer festival in Germany I would have to agree with that statement on some level.
-Adam

well it was nice playing with you all, looks like I am off the team - I prefer watery, tasteless, light, American beer! mmmmm USA! USA!
wait a minute wasn't it some "chilled piss in a can" that we all consumed the other night at the game?

-Bonnie

i agree with bonnie... i prefer watery, tasteless, light, american beer! and yes, we all consumed it over the past two games!
go bud light!

-cara

guys, how are we going to learn to play like a team, if we can't act like a team when interoffice emailing?????

-Amy

I support American beer - have some pride. [usaflag.gif]!

-Steve

---

He's a tool.

"Icy cold pints" indeed.

-t

Open letter to the MBTA: No one of intelligence thinks this is working

To whom it may concern at the Massachusetts Bay Transport Authority,

My bag was searched for explosive material this morning by your MBTA police at Oak Grove station.

So, tell me, was there a tip? Was there word from a local terrorist cell by way of a well-trained, well-placed MBTA counter-terrorism informant? If I get on that train is there a danger it's going to explode?

No? This is a random check? I think you're mixing up your terminology. "Random" isn't correct. The phrase you should be using is "completely and utterly pointless."

Was there a credible threat to commuters?

If so, please, please, search passenger bags. Oh, also, if you've got information that one of your trains might explode, I don't know, maybe TELL YOUR PASSENGERS! Because, you know what? I'm more than happy to walk back home on this rainy Friday and call in sick in lieu of a fiery death on the train.

If I were carrying a bomb in my backpack this morning, do you actually think I would voluntarily wait in line to let you search my bag?! No fucking way! As soon as I saw the thirty-three passengers waiting to have their bags swiped and analyzed I'd turn right around and head one mile over to Malden Center and board a train there!

Hell, you don't think some two-bit terrorist group would be coordinated enough to scout the train station before bringing a bomb in? You don't think they'd send in a guy with a cell phone before they sent in a guy with a bomb!?

"Hey, Bomb Guy? It's me, Cell-Phone Guy, they're searching bags - so, um, don't bring the bomb into the station."

You're idiots.

Maybe it wouldn't be a big deal if MBTA wasn't a laughing stock. When was the last time someone's ride into Downtown Crossing was ruined or delayed by an explosive device smuggled onto a train?

Wait, wait, I know this one... NEVER!

When was the last time someone's commute was delayed by MBTA ineptitude, shoddy signal equipment, lack of repairs, or a disabled train?

OH, I REMEMBER, LAST MONDAY MORNING (20 minutes), TUESDAY MORNING (20 minutes), TUESDAY NIGHT (one hour 30 minutes). And that's just me, off the top of my head, in the last week alone.

Why bother blowing up trains that don't work anyway!?

Do you feel this anger? Do you want a way to make the morning commute safer? How about rather than spending my fare money on two MBTA pretend cops searching my backpack (which, by the way, contains a hat, a book, a pen, some coins, and my cell phone), you instead provide your passengers with a complimentary cup of coffee? Free downloadable iTunes songs on the train? Trains that work?

Wait, I've got a better idea:

Why not just get out of my way?

-Tom

Bad baserunning, softball recap

It's the second inning, I hit a hard grounder to third and beat out the throw. That's my first hit of the season. (woo!)

I play first for a few innings. No problems. And we're totally in this game after the first three (which is a new thing for us, we're usually down by twelve or so by then).

Jump ahead, it's late in the game, we're down by two runs, no outs, two men on.

I step up to the plate. I swing and ground the ball sharply to the third baseman who fields the ball and steps on third for the force out. This brings my average down from .200 to .167.

Now, you may remember the story I told last week about a jackass who walked onto the field and took the ball from the pitcher. I think we've all agreed he's a jackass.

Well, it's not just us, readers, it's the rest of my softball team, too. They've started leaving him off of team-wide emails, and "forgetting" to give him a schedule, hoping he'll miss as many games as possible.

Well, he showed up last night. And he was hitting behind me in the batting order.

And folks, it's not about him being a bad player. That's ok. I'm a bad player (one error and a .167 BA four games into the season, ugh). It's about him being a jackass.

Earlier in the game he'd made a nice catch in left field, and he's a good solid hitter.

What he's not, is a team player. What he's not, is a listener. What he's not, is a smart baseball player.

To recap: It's late in the game, we're losing, but still in it. Runners on first (me) and second (some girl), one out. Jackass guy comes to the plate.

He hits the first pitch for a single to left field, a solid line drive over the shortstop's head. The runners are off on contact, and, almost immediately, the third base coach, and everyone on the bench throws their hands in the air. "Stay, stay!" they yell, and, to the first runner, "Hold at third!"

The left fielder had handled the ball cleanly on one bounce, the lead runner stopped at third, I stopped at second, and as soon as my foot touched the bag I turned around to put my hands in the air and yell "Hold at first! Stay!" to make sure the jackass guy knew what was going on.

But as I turn, what do I see, but the kid barrelling around first base, head down, running full-out, trying to get himself a triple on a short line drive!

"BACK!" I scream, "Get back to the bag!!" and then, I say

"uufff!!" as he RUNS INTO ME!! THE GUY STANDING STILL ON SECOND BASE!!

He knocked me off the bag!

At this point the left fielder, only about ten feet from the infield, had tossed the ball to the shortstop who promptly tagged the two of us near second base for an inning-ending double-play.

I couldn't believe it! I still don't believe it! Everyone in the park knew it was a one-base hit, everyone was yelling for the runners to hold. What the hell?

I stood there, totally bewildered. I was just staring at the ground as the other team trots off the field, this kid gets up, dusts himself off, and says "You should have been running."

I couldn't even look at him. "They were holding the runner at third," I said, with as much menace as I could muster through my shock.

"Well," he said, "she should have been running."

They were holding her at third! There was one out! YOU HIT A ONE-BOUNCER RIGHT AT THE LEFT FIELDER!

I couldn't believe it. The next inning they opened the game up and we lost by the slaughter rule in the sixth. But we had a shot until this moron ruined our chance at a rally.

I'm going to pop his tires before the next game.

-t


Season so far:
3 games, no wins
Batting average: .167 (1 for 7)
One error

Slugging Percentage

We played again last night. We lost. Our softball team is now 0-3 on the season (0-2 in games I've played).

I attribute this, mostly, to other teams in the league being vastly superior to our team. Also, yesterday, a bunch of jackasses showed up to play.

The problem with fielding a company team is that the company, personified by the team captain, is obligated to make an open call for players, and can't cut anyone.

People who like softball and want to have fun show up.

People who are good at softball and want to win show up.

People who think they're good at softball and are jackasses show up.

I hate that third group.

Apparently, during the first game, one of the jackasses walked from his position in right field to the pitchers mound, and took the ball from the pitcher. Took it out of his glove. "I'm pitching now" was the unspoken statement.

He proceded to walk three batters in a row, let up two singles, and walk two more batters.

He was one of the three jackasses to show up at last night's game. He insisted on playing first, and insisted on batting clean up. He went 0-2 with two errors on easy ground balls.

Now, as I was properly raised to respect authority, I defer to the team captain on batting order and positioning. I can't help it if the captain's a pushover, or just a nice guy who doesn't like confrontation.

It's one thing to be a jackass who hits (Bonds, Jeter, etc) and in that case I don't have a problem with him hitting cleanup, but, if you can't hit you should absolutely be punished an extra spot or two in the lineup for being a jackass.

The game went five innings, we lost by the slaughter rule, I had one at bat and struck out swinging on five pitches.

I also played right field for three innings and fielded three grounders cleanly, caught a long fly to end the third, and almost caught a long, high, foul ball to end the second (it was hit out of play to the bushes and I missed it by about four inches).

I played first base for two innings and was involved in two routine infield outs.

Second game:
Batting: 0-1, 1K,
Fielding: RF, 1B, no errors

-t

Tim McCarver, no longer sucks as a person (still sucks as color guy):

Hi, do you know me? I'm the Red Sox fan that hates Tim McCarver (and, parenthetically, Joe Buck). I hate his voice, I hate his pro-Yankee, anti-Red Sox slant, I hate his anecdotes.

But I just read something at Red Sox Chick that may redeem him:

"[I was] Watching the Yankees/Mariners game on Fox yesterday, Ken Rosenthal came out and said that it was a no-brainer, if Clemens wants to win another World Series, he goes to the Red Sox. Buck came back talking about how it wasn't about money and McCarver responded with "If it isn't about money, let him play for nothing.".

Tim McCarver has the Rocket's number."

Wow. I mean, come on, wow.

We all know Clemens needed to make a statement. The $28 million is the largest contract ever signed, which is exactly why it had to be $28 million - it's not the number "28" it's the adjective phrase "largest in the history of baseball."

Clemens is never going to retire. He won't stop playing until someone (probably in the Yankees organization) arranges for him to be cast in bronze (probably live, in the middle of an outing in front of thousands in the house that Ruth built).

I have no doubt the Yankees will put it back together by July. No doubt that every single one of their injured starters will come back to the regular rotation just in time to make a run for the pennant. They're the Yankees, it's what they pay to do.

But I can't see Clemens factoring in. All the numbers suggest he'll be a pitcher to match up against opposing front-of-the-rotation guys as only a five- to six-inning starter (albeit with a superb ERA), which bodes ill for the Yankees bullpen. I don't see how that's much different than what they were planning on with Igawa every fifth day, minus the shades.

The Red Sox already have a fifth starter averaging five innings at the back of their rotation, and (if I've estimated correctly) he's costing John Henry & Co. forty-five million dollars less than the luxury tax Steinbrenner is paying on the Rocket's contract.

And Tavarez this year is the guy the Red Sox have trotted out to throw against opposing aces Chien-Ming Wang, Johan Santana, and Roy Halladay (twice), and has gone 1-2 against them, not too shabby for a fifth starter.

The Yankees will win games because they've got the most powerful lineup in the bigs, top to bottom.

The Rocket will reclaim fame, notoriety, and infamy, because his ego won't let it be otherwise.

The Red Sox will win the World Series.

-t

I think Roger Clemens is a little confused:

I can't really explain it. Maybe Clemens hasn't actually been watching American League baseball since he retired to Texas...

Some snips from yesterday's press conference announcing Clemens has signed with the New York Yankees:

1. During his press conference, Clemens called Derek Jeter the greatest clutch hitter he's ever played with.

No, Roger, you're thinking of Big Papi, David Ortiz, of the Red Sox .


2. He said he could now hand the ball to the greatest reliever in the game, Mariano Rivera.

No, Roger, you're thinking of Jonathan Papelbon, of the Red Sox.


3. "Make no mistake," Clemens said later, "I'm here to help this franchise do the only thing it knows how to do, win a championship..."

Oops, it looks like you're the one who made the mistake, Roger - once again, you mean the Red Sox.


I'd like to be at the game when he realizes he's playing for the wrong team.

They've got full audio of the press conference over at LoHud.

Co-ed Company Softball

Tonight's my first company softball game.

I'm holding out hope it won't be lame, but we're playing in an uncompetitive, co-ed league.

You've all played in co-ed leagues before, right? The intramural flag football in college, the CYO volleyball games, what have you.

They are, perhaps by definition, lame. Peppered with ridiculous sexist rules adhered to by (usually) militant umpires or referees who must feel that lives hang in the balance on each and every call.

I certainly don't have any problem with women playing sports. I do have a problem with preferential, or down-right ludicrous, treatment of both the men and women who suffer under these guidelines.

To whit:

---

10.1 The league will adhere to the American Softball Association rule regarding walking a male batter when a female batter is on deck.

-When a male batter is walked with a female batter on deck, the male batter will be awarded second base.

-If there are less than two (2) outs, the female batter must bat. If there are two (2) outs, the female batter has the option of accepting an automatic walk or batting.

---

I want to play competitive ball. I don't like being handcuffed by trivial rules.

I say, if you're going to make distinctions between players, and those distinctions will play a role in the rules of the game, don't separate players into groups of "men" and "women," but rather, separate them into groups of "good" and "not good."

Field two teams. Anybody who sucks can go play in a league with automatic walks, free bases, ghost runners, four outfielders, "safety bags," and God bless them for it.

The rest of us just want to play softball.

-t

Update:

11:15 PM Back from the game. I had fun - and even if I didn't, I wouldn't be looking for a more competitive league, because I suck.

It might have something to do with not picking up a baseball or bat for six years.

I'm sure next game will be better. It could hardly be worse.

Tom's First Softball Game:
0-3 with 2K, 2 errors