Dear book publishers, sir or madam, to whom it may concern,
I would like a book deal.
I realize I’ve mentioned this in the past (twice, if my memory serves me, and it does, usually, though never well enough for more than the standard 15%-20% tip).
I’m talking about it again today because, as you know, I have not yet been offered a book deal.
I would like to take this opportunity to ask if there are things I need to do in order to get such an offer, to ask, specifically, if yes, exactly what those things are.
What are they?
I can write a book, a good book. It will not cost you very much money at all. I think all I would require is an editor. Someone who will befriend me, and criticize my work, and keep me aware – and ahead of – deadlines in order to maximize your investment.
Which is another thing I’d like to mention. I want to make it clear that an advance on the sales of the book would be appreciated but by no means necessary. I am willing to work advance-less so long as you understand that may mean I would need a bit more time to complete the project, as I will be working a regular job (that I hate).
I could write about that job! Maybe that is what the book could be about. People love to read clever everyday anecdotes about stupid coworkers. I bet it would be a bestseller, or, a fake bestseller, because, as I said before, I’m pretty sure the “bestselling books” guy at the NYT can be bought.
Maybe you already have books about jobs. I can also write about childhood. Fun memories, important events, life-changing happenings. It could be very much like that other bestseller, “Lots of Little Pieces,” or something like that and we could avoid the whole “fiction v. nonfiction” debate by including a disclaimer. Something like “to the best of our knowledge the author believes that all these things really occurred. Probably” and we would be off the hook.
No? Maybe a relationship/how-to book. “How to get a date with the pretty girl from your office.” I have some experience that would be very valuable to a book with such a title.
“Learning to hate your coworkers in six easy steps” I also have some experience. (Actually, it’s only three steps, but that would be a short book so I came up with some filler.)
Ah, drat. I’ve begun focusing on the office and job that I hate again. A good editor would have seen this coming and steered me back on topic. You, publishing companies, can provide such an editor. We could win an Oscar, or whatever awards they give out for books… Tonys? Well, it doesn’t matter. “Award-winning” looks good on a dust jacket, just like “best selling.” Those awards guys can probably also be bought.
The only thing you need now is my name on that dust jacket and a whole bunch of words between the covers. About how many words would you say are in a book? Twenty-thousand? Thirty-thousand? Look, I’ve already written Five-hundred thirty six words to this point in the essay. (Actually, I included that sentence in the count, but really, who’s counting?) All I would need to do is duplicate a letter of this, or similar, style thirty-seven times – less if I use a lot of very long words.
Oh, finally, a title: I think I’ll call it “Tom’s First Book” (thereby implying there will be many more to follow, like that hack Sue Grafton and her alphabet bit – though my way isn’t limited to only 26 works. Amateur.)
And there you have it. A book.
I’ll be expecting your call. (Or email.)
Thank you.
Cascadingly (Did I mention I can juggle? Lots of juggling analogies!),
Tom
16 comments:
What's in it for me?
This is the question that any publishing house worth its salt is going to ask you.
...also, you do realize that you know two people who work in publishing, right?
Oh, I realize that, and what have they done to see my dream of a cash windfall and my name on the shelves of retail bookstores everywhere realized? hmm?
As far as "what's in it for me" it's the money.
I'm telling you, my book will sell.
Also, I'd be an instant celebrity, basically ranking among the best of the late-night talk show guests which will prompt subsequent invitations for multiple appearances on the shows, which is a bona fide way to promote more books. I'd even promote books by other authors under the same publishing house.
Leno would love me. I'd be great on Letterman (because he's the best interviewer maybe ever), and the Daily Show. Kimmel knows Bill Simmons, and I read Bill Simmons, so that'd be cool.
I think the only one I wouldn't get along with is Conan. Both of us tall white guys from MA? We'd probably feud on-air/off-air, then years later would reconcile and spoof the feud with a bit on his show to put it all behind us.
I'm telling you, I could totally be a hollywood celebrity.
I'd organize charity golf and videogame tournaments, I would eat at Bobby Flay's resturant on the road and Todd English's at home, I would have Stephen Colbert read the news at my birthday party.
All the while making money in bushels for the publishing house that signs me to a book deal.
I'm ready for the big time, is it ready for me? (right, I forgot to mention my ability to quote the muppets)
bam!
Also, publishing a book is actually very expensive. Not only are they paying for your editor, etc., but they also have to pay for the actual production of the book and for its promotion, which would ostensibly include flying you around the country for signings and readings. Plus there's the registration and copyrighting fees (you have to pay for ISBNs), and then there's your agent fee, random expenses, overhead, etc.
It's acually not worth publishing a book unless you can guarantee revenues of at least $400K or so.
I can guarantee that. Just look at my blog readership! If even just half, my readers buy my book (and who are we kidding, I know you all will) then Publisher XX will only have to charge like ... hang on let me do the math ...
...
...
like $100,000.00 per copy! Now, I haven't been out in the book-buying world very often, but that doesn't strike me as a ridiculous price to pay for an original from your very own Tom, author of this blog, does it? No.
Also, I can totally sign those four copies. Hand-signed. Don't tell me that doesn't count for something in the retail mark-up.
Nevermind the dozens of people who haven't heard my name before. They'll buy into the hype. If even just half of them buy a copy, that's another $600,000!
Now, as I said, I'm not too familiar with the current price of books, but let's assume 100K is a little pricey. Then all we'd have to do is get J. Simpson or P.Diddy to hold a copy of the book, only print twenty copies and promote it in the elite billionaire market. Exclusivity creates its own demand.
ooh, and then we could publish cheap knock offs: change a few letters of my last name, sell inferior copies of the book to the masses (ones with all the letter f's taken out) and double or triple the return!
Ok, that's the plan so far. I don't want to reveal too many of the details or you'll all think you can get a book deal.
And maybe you can. But I still want it more.
haha...you are waaaay too excited about this idea.
Also, J. Simpson doesn't know what books are. And I think most people know that. Ooh, you should get J.K. Rowling to hold it..and then people might think you are somehow associated with her, and that you may have some Harry Potter spoilers in your book.
Harry Potter = Solid Gold.
Tom, this post (and its comments) are WAAAY too long and blathering to read. Remember in elementary school when they taught you "K.I.S.S." - keep it simple, stupid! No ones gonna wanna read Blah Blah Blah gimme a book deal Blah Blah Blah. So chew on that and get back to me with something clipped and pert.
I remember K.I.S.S.
I remember it being the most inane pneumonic I'd ever heard. First, there's an extra "S." In order to keep it simple that hypocritical, and derogatory, last word has to be dropped.
Second. That's ridiculous. I'm not here to appeal to the lowest common denominator. If you want something shorter you've got to woo me with language I'll appreciate.
Shove your "K.I.S.S." and give me "economy of language." Illustrate your point with Heart of Darkness, one of the most densely painted works I've ever read, with meaning and symbolism dripping from every syllable and punctuation mark.
"Keep It Simple Stupid" is used in low-rate grade school classes and bottom-of-the-barrel college statistics courses.
Toenails are clipped. Pert is a shampoo.
I'm better than that.
"bottom-of-the-barrel" statistics? Ouch. That hurt.
specifically the 213/214 sequence taught by Prof. Lou "I could use both of these blackboards to derive this formula from the calculus because I'm smarter than you, but I'll just write it here for you to memorize instead" Bianco.
tom you've written some pretty angry comments in your day but i have to say your reply to the uninterested publisher is by far your angriest yet. SO ANGRY THAT YOU MENTION HEART OF DARKNESS HOLY CRAP.
K.I.S.S. is also used in many collegiate journalism classes.
...before you go all "Conrad's writing style, blah blah blah again" remember that Heart of Darkness was written in 1902 and the way society recieves information and entertainment has radically changed.
Actually, I've never read Heart of Darkness.
Is anything you ever write true?
I'd say yes, but you might think I would be lying.
Also, just to clarify, I never said I'd read Heart of Darkness and you were the one who mentioned Conrad. I do not know who wrote it, only that there is symbolism and meaning dripping from every word.
I have, however, read every single one of the Where's Waldo books and have even gone so far as to find all of the missing bonus items listed in the back of each book.
Those are also amazing work.
-t
"Illustrate your point with Heart of Darkness, one of the most densely painted works I've ever read... "
You did too say you've read it... and how do you know if there is symbolism and meaning dripping off of every word?!
Ooh. Good point. And I know about the symbolism because I have read a research paper or two on the subject. I also had a very knowledgeable TA in my fiction for non-majors class. He used to bring it up all the time.
Post a Comment